Chapter Twenty-Five
Catrina sat on the rock until her legs fell asleep. She stood, readjusted herself, and sat back down. She did not know what else to do. Her stomach rumbled. She had not eaten. A wiser person would have brought food. A wiser person would have made a plan.
A wiser person would not have run away with Jack Steward. There, she had allowed herself to say his name in her mind. What did it matter now? She could not pretend that he did not exist. He did exist and he would go on existing, no matter how far into the wilderness she traveled. Even after he died, he would still exist inside her memories. She would never be free.
“Catrina?”
Catrina flinched and spun her head around. Someone had found her.
“Greta?”
Greta Miller waved and skidded down the embankment with a yoke balanced on her shoulders.
“What are you doing here?”
Greta looked surprised. “I could ask you the same thing. I come here every day to draw water.”
Catrina’s body tensed. She glanced around the woods. “You cannot mean that I am behind your homestead?”
Greta nodded. “Where else would you be?”
“Well, not here.”
“Where then?” Greta continued to smile as she shrugged out of the yoke and dropped a bucket into the river.
“I walked for hours.”
Greta laughed. “You walked in circles, then.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake.” Catrina put her face in her hands. Could she do nothing right? She couldn’t even get lost in the woods properly. Who couldn’t get lost in the wilderness?
Greta stopped laughing. She pulled the bucket from the river and set it down with a thump. Water splashed over the lip and sloshed over her leather shoes. “Something’s wrong.”
“Ja.”
Greta sighed. She stared at Catrina for a moment, then walked to her and sat down on the rock. “Move over.”
Catrina scooted to the edge of the rock to make room. “I’ll fall off.”
“You might.” Greta pushed her gently, then pulled her back by the sleeve before she toppled off the rock.
Catrina gasped.
“That got your mind off it for a moment.”
Catrina tried not to laugh. She could not help but smile. “You are as incorrigible as Abram Ziegler.”
“Ja.” Greta leaned back onto her hands, stretched out her legs, and crossed her ankles. “Now tell me what’s wrong. Why are you here and why did you walk for hours?”
“Ach.”
“It’s all right. You can talk to me.”
“No, I can’t.”
Greta looked hurt. “Of course you can.”
“No. You are too good. I can’t tell you.”
“Too good? Tell Jacob that, please!”
“He adores you.”
“Ja. But nobody’s perfect. We have our conflicts, our ups and downs, just like anyone else. And then we make up and everything is better than it was before.” She put her hand on Catrina’s shoulder. “It will be the same for you and Eli.”
Catrina stiffened. “How do you know this is about Eli?”
Greta smiled. “Because you’ve only been married a few days. No one learns how to get along right away. It takes time.”
Catrina shook her head. “No. It’s more than that.”
Greta continued to stare at her. Catrina felt as if the entire world were staring at her and judging her in that moment. Her face felt hot. She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. She was tired of running from herself. The words came out before she could stop them. “I ran away with a man.”
“Oh.” Greta sounded surprised. She twisted around on the rock. “Where is he?”
“What? No.” Catrina shook her head. “He’s not here. I don’t know where he is. Still living in Philadelphia, I suppose.”
“Oh.” Greta let out a little noise that sounded almost like a laugh. “I thought you meant that you were running away with him now.”
“Now?” Catrina shook her head so hard that a strand of hair slipped from her prayer kappe and fell across her face. “No. Of course not.”
Greta smiled. “Ah.”
Catrina pinched the bridge of her nose. “I meant I ran away with a man two years ago.” The smile faded. Greta would not be her friend anymore. It had been nice while it lasted.
“And?”
“And what?”
“Well, what’s the problem?”
Catrina spun around to face Greta. “I just told you!”
“No, you told me you had a problem two years ago. You are here now, married to Eli, so obviously you solved it.”
“Oh.” Catrina’s expression changed. She looked as if she’d never had that thought before.
“You should go home now.”
Catrina shook her head. “Eli doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.”
“He said that?”
“Yes. Well, no. Not exactly. He said that I shouldn’t have married him.”
“Hmmm.” Greta narrowed her eyes. Her fingertip tapped against the rock. “I know a little something about misunderstandings. It’s a wonder that Jacob and I ever managed to marry. But all our difficulties could have been avoided if we had simply told each other the truth—the whole truth.”
“Yes, I’m sure.” Catrina watched the river bubble and jump as it swirled past the rock. She thought how nice it would be to escape as easily as water does. “But you had nothing to hide. All you had to do was admit your feelings. I have to admit what I’ve done.”
Greta readjusted her legs. She waited a while before speaking. “Do you trust Eli?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“If you trust someone, you will trust them no matter what you have to tell them.”
Catrina sighed. “I cannot argue that.” She gave Greta a sidelong glance. “I wish I could.”
“And besides, what harm is there in telling him? You’re leaving anyway. You may as well tell him before you go.”
“How did you know that I’m leaving?”
“You said you’ve been walking for hours.”
“Oh, right.”
“Thankfully, you are no better with directions than you are with mucking out a pigpen.”
“I am not laughing at that. I am entirely too upset.”
“You thought it was funny.”
“No, I did not.”
Greta raised her eyebrows.
“All right. It was a little bit funny.” Catrina slid off the rock. Her knees buckled and she had to hop to catch her balance. She had been sitting too long. “Thank you.”
“For my wit?”
Catrina laughed softly. “For your advice.”
“I hope you take it. I’ve seen the way Eli looks at you. He has to love you.”
Catrina brushed off the back of her skirt. “But is love enough?”
Greta looked surprised. “Of course it is.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
Greta smiled. “Not everything has to be as complicated as we make it.”
* * *
Catrina felt foolish. She never should have snuck away in the night. She should have confronted Eli and asked what he meant when he announced that she shouldn’t have married him. The worst thing he could say could not be worse than the worst thing she could imagine him saying.
She rushed into the cabin, breathless and damp with sweat. She had run most of the way home. Her hair must be a mess. She pushed the loose strands beneath her prayer kappe as she glanced around the room for Eli. “Where is he?”
Gertrud sat at the spinning wheel, but she was not spinning. She stared out the open window with a blank expression. Her face came alive when she saw Catrina. She spun around on her stool. “You came back.”
“Ja.”
“I thought you’d left us.” Us. The word caught Catrina’s attention, but she did not have time to dwell on it.
“No. Well, sort of. I mean, I thought he wanted me to leave.” Catrina shook her head. How could she explain? “I mean . . . I’m here now. I’m not leaving him. I love him.”
Gertrud jumped up from the stool. “You mean you’re not leaving us?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I didn’t mean for it to get this far out of hand. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”
“No?” Gertrud searched Catrina’s expression with hurt eyes. “How else were we to feel?”
Catrina stared at Gertrud with a blank expression. She could not believe what she was hearing. Gertrud was hurt that she had disappeared in the night? Gertrud wanted her to come back?
“I know that you left Jack Steward. That was his name, wasn’t it?”
“I left him?”
Gertrud nodded. “That is what they say.”
Catrina could not think or speak. It was all too unjust. So bitterly unjust. “Where is Eli? I must speak to him.”
“I don’t know. I’ve been sick with worry. He’s beside himself. Neither of us knew where you were.”
“You were worried for me?”
“Of course I was.” She glanced out the window. “And for Eli. I have no idea where he is. And after what I said . . .”
Catrina felt weak. She put her hand against the wall for support. “What did you say?”
Gertrud’s face crumpled. “I told him what I had heard.”
“What exactly did you hear?”
“That you left Jack Steward after you tired of him. You played a game with him and didn’t care about the consequences.”
Catrina swallowed. The dirt floor felt unstable beneath her feet. They all believed him over her. Her word meant nothing because she was a fallen woman. Jack Steward had done the same as her, but his word was still good. Society greeted him with a pat on the back and knowing smiles, even as they banished her to the ends of the earth. “I have to find Eli. I have to tell him the truth.”
“I don’t know where he is.” Gertrud wrung her hands and stared out the window.
“I’ll find him. And when I do, I’ll tell him everything.”
“I didn’t think that you were coming back. When we woke up and you were gone, I thought . . .”
Catrina saw a deep, broken regret in Gertrud’s eyes.
“I never meant to leave,” Catrina said in a soft, reassuring voice. “I was afraid that Eli didn’t want me.”
“I thought you weren’t coming back.”
“It’s all right. I did come back. And I’m not leaving again.”
“No, you don’t understand.” Gertrud continued to wring her hands in sharp, anxious movements. “I went to the bishop.”
Catrina felt the room swirl around her. Her hand clutched a rough, round edge of the log wall. She forced herself to stay on her feet. “Why? Why would you do such a thing?”
“Because I was afraid. Eli was gone and you were gone. Everyone left me. I was alone and I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted someone to fix the problem. I just wanted it to be all right.”
“So you told the bishop everything.”
Gertrud looked down and nodded. “Ja. I thought it was for the best. I was afraid that you were lost in the woods and that Eli would be lost looking for you.”
Catrina did not answer. She stood clutching the wall, her face pale.
“I thought the situation had spun out of control. I thought we needed help.”
“Now the situation truly is out of our control.”
Gertrud nodded. “I’m sorry. This is not what I meant to happen.”
Neither woman said what they were both thinking—Catrina might not be able to stay now, even though she wanted to. If the community rejected Catrina, there was nothing they could do to keep her in New Canaan.
* * *
Eli came home long after the sun had set and the moon had risen. “I could not find her.” He looked as though he had aged ten years. “I went everywhere. I didn’t tell anyone what has happened though. I didn’t want to embarrass her. No one knows that she has left and no one has seen her except for Greta Miller. She said not to worry and that I should check to see if she’s come home yet.”
Gertrud was still sitting by the spinning wheel, staring out the open window. “She was here. She has not left you.”
“Thanks be to der Herr.” Eli looked as if the weight of the world had lifted from his shoulders. “Where is she?” His eyes darted across the empty hearth, the bare dirt floors, and the silent table.
“She went back out to find you. To make things right.” Gertrud could not shake the expression of surprise that was still on her face. “I was wrong about her, Eli. She came back. I was so sure that she would leave you and never come back.”
“Everything will work out now. I’ll find her.”
Gertrud shook her head. Tears eased from her eyes. She did not bother to wipe them. “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
Eli froze. “What have you done?”
“I told the bishop everything that I had heard.”
Eli ran his fingers through his hair. He did not know what to say.
“What will happen now?” Gertrud asked in a trembling voice.
Eli swallowed. “I don’t know.”
“What will you do?”
“We will face tomorrow when it comes.” He hurried to the door. “Stay here in case she comes back. If she does, tell her to wait here for me. I won’t rest until we make this right.”
* * *
It was close to midnight, judging by the moon. Eli did not know where to go. Was Catrina wandering the woods alone, searching for him? Surely not. She was too sensible for that. Where would she go? He rubbed the back of his neck and swept his eyes across the clearing. A light flickered through the slats in the shutters on the Witmer cabin. He saw a movement in the darkness. The slivers of yellow light disappeared, then reappeared. Eli broke into a run.
He watched the slim shadow move across the field toward him as he ran. The dark form slowly took shape in the moonlight. He could see pale skin and flowing skirts. His feet beat across the field faster.
And then she was there, standing face-to-face with him, her long black hair tumbling down her back, her blue eyes wide. They both stopped and stared at each other. Eli was not sure what to say or do. What would happen now? He rubbed the back of his neck and looked down. Her feet were bare.
“You aren’t wearing shoes.”
“No. When I saw you coming, I didn’t take the time to put on shoes. I had called on my grandparents to find out if they had seen you and I took off my shoes because my feet hurt from walking all day.”
Catrina looked away. “There is so much that I should have told you. I’m sorry, Eli. I’ve made everything worse by keeping it from you.”
He stared down at her. She did not meet his eyes. “What happens now?” The words sounded thin and shaky.
He lunged for her and picked her up in a quick, strong motion. She gasped, then laughed.
“I know how you hate to get your feet dirty.”
She relaxed in his arms and laid her face against his chest. “Does this mean that you still love me?”
“Of course I still love you.”
She buried her face in his shoulder. “I wasn’t sure. After what I did.”
“What did you do?”
Her hands tightened around his shirt. He could feel her breath catch in her chest. “Don’t you know?”
“No. I don’t know because you haven’t told me.”
“But, Gertrud told you.”
“Gertrud told me what she has heard. That doesn’t mean it is the truth.”
Catrina shifted her weight and turned up her face to look at him. He readjusted his arms around her body so that she could meet his eyes.
“You don’t believe what you heard?” she asked. Her face looked pale and desperate in the moonlight. Eli could see how much she wanted to be loved.
“I don’t know what to believe. Not until I hear it from you.”
Catrina could hear Eli’s heartbeat beneath his homespun shirt. He smelled of wool and soap. She was not sure what to do. It would take all of her courage to say it all out loud. But she would do it because she had to. For Eli’s sake and for hers.
“I’m taking you home,” Eli said. “Then you can tell me everything. Ja?”
“Ja.” She whispered the word into his shirt.
He lowered her to the ground and set her gently on her feet. “Wait.” He put a hand on her shoulder for balance, then lifted one foot and tugged at his leather shoe. “Here,” he said as he pulled it off and handed it to her.
Catrina took it and laughed. “It’s much too big.”
“Wear it anyway. Can’t let you walk home barefoot.”
Catrina slid her small, soft foot inside and wiggled her toes. “Thank you.”
Eli smiled and handed her his other shoe. He waited until she fastened the leather straps as tightly as she could, then took her hand and walked slowly toward home. They didn’t speak. Catrina tripped over Eli’s shoes a few times, but he steadied her. They kept walking, hand in hand beneath the moonlight, until they reached their own front yard. The thin white light gave the clearing a soft, unearthly glow.
“Let’s not go in yet,” Eli said. He motioned to a stump beside them. “I’d like to hear what you have to say first. Just you and me.”
Catrina nodded and sat down on the stump. She looked down at her feet. They stuck out from beneath her long wool skirt and looked comically large in Eli’s big leather shoes. She would have laughed if it had been any other time. But she could not laugh now. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She could not look at him while she said it. “I met a man two years ago.”
Eli flinched. “So at least some of it is true.”
Catrina swallowed again. She did not want to remember. “He was charming, dashing, handsome. He was everything a girl is supposed to want and I fell for him with all I had. He made me feel loved. He made me feel alive.” She opened her eyes, but refused to meet Eli’s gaze. She looked down, but could still feel Eli’s eyes on her. “He convinced me to run away with him. He promised we’d be married, but we weren’t. When he learned that I was with child he abandoned me.”
Eli did not respond. Catrina did not look up. She kept staring at his big leather shoes. “He told everyone that I abandoned him. He made himself out to be the innocent. He made me out to be a temptress. The truth was bad enough. I did run away with him. That alone was enough to ruin me. But he made it so much worse!”
“Why would he lie about you?”
Catrina tried to interpret Eli’s tone of voice. She still could not bear to look at his face. “Because he went on to ruin other girls. It was much easier for him to seduce them if he kept a reputation as an innocent.”
“Ah.”
“He came from a prominent family. Everyone heard the story. It became the scandal du jour.”
“And everyone believed him?”
“Yes. Of course. As I said, he came from a prominent family.”
“So do you.”
Catrina shook her head. “A woman’s reputation is far more fragile than a man’s.”
“It isn’t right,” Eli said in a hard voice. There was a trace of anger there, and Catrina wondered if it were directed at her or at society.
“No. But that’s what happened.”
“Yes.”
“I went home to my parents and they would not have me again.” Catrina looked up. She could not read his expression. Was the hurt in his eyes for her or for himself?
“You said that you were with child?” he asked gently. His hand moved and she thought he might touch her. She wanted to feel the warm comfort of his hand on her shoulder. But he ran his fingers through his hair instead. He did not touch her.
“I miscarried. Early on. My mother said it was the stress that did it.”
Eli breathed in and out. He did not say anything. Catrina waited. Still, he did not speak.
“My mother said that I should pretend it never happened. My grandparents had just converted and were leaving for New Canaan. They thought I could have a second chance at life if I went with them. I had no choice, really. There was nowhere else that I could go. No one else would have me.” She wished he would say something. Anything. She wished he would reach out and put his hand on her arm. He did neither. “It was terrible, at first. I didn’t fit in. I couldn’t farm. I wanted to go home so badly I could not bear it. But, I had no home to go back to. My father will never speak to me again, you see. But then, I met you. And I felt loved again. I felt that I belonged again.” Catrina’s eyes flicked up to meet his. They stared back into hers, warm and steady. “That is all of it, I suppose.”
Eli nodded. He closed his eyes and let out a slow, shaky breath. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“You loved me.” Catrina put her face in her hands. “And I didn’t want you to stop loving me.” Eli didn’t respond. He opened his eyes and stared at her. Catrina had to know what he was thinking. She could not bear it. She kept her hands over her face. “Are you angry that I kept it from you?” The second question was harder to ask. She did not know if she could bear the answer. “Are you angry that there was another before you, when I was still unmarried? Can you still love me?”
* * *
Eli felt his world spin away from him. His wife, his perfect wife, had hidden the truth from him. She was not so perfect, after all. He did not speak for a long time. He did not want to hurt her. He did not want to be unfair to her. But why, why had she kept it from him?
He stood up and backed away from her. He thought she would tell him none of it had happened, that Gertrud and all of Philadelphia had been wrong. But Gertrud had been right. Oh sure, Gertrud had been wrong about some of the details—but enough of it was true. Catrina had not been honest. She was not trustworthy. She was not innocent. She was not perfect.
“Eli?” Catrina watched him back away. “Please. Say something.”
Eli did not trust himself to speak.
“Eli?” Catrina’s breath caught in her throat. She looked away and pressed her palm to her mouth.
Eli wanted to make her pain go away. He wanted to touch her face and tell her he understood. But he didn’t understand. Why didn’t she trust him? Why had she kept the truth from him? Eli ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know why . . .” He walked away before he said more than he should.
He stood at the edge of the woods, his back to Catrina, as thoughts swirled inside his mind. Why was he upset? Was it because his wife wasn’t perfect? Eli’s jaw clenched. He shook his head. No. Only a fool would believe someone could be perfect. What mattered was that she was perfect to him. And she was. Heaven help him, she was.
She still was.
He frowned and rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t care about Jack Steward. He didn’t care that she had run away with him. She was still the same woman he had married. She had not changed. She had done all those things before he met her. He just didn’t know about it until now.
And that was the problem. He did care that she had kept it from him. Hadn’t they believed in each other? Hadn’t they trusted each other? Why had she shut him out of her heart? He would never do that to her.
Eli stopped short. He could hear the sound of his breath in the silent woods. His heart thudded in his ears. He couldn’t believe himself. He had done that to her. He had not trusted her enough either. He had not told her what he had done.
Eli turned around.
Catrina had not moved from the stump. She watched him with wide, anxious eyes as he strode toward her. He did not stop to think before he spoke. He needed to know why she did not trust him. He did not blame her for keeping her past a secret—he had withheld his past from her too. But he had to understand why. So he plunged right back into the conversation he had run away from.
“No, I’m not angry,” he said. “I’m hurt. Why would you keep it from me? How could you think that I could ever stop loving you?”
“Because Jack Steward stopped loving me. Everyone stopped loving me. My own family disowned me.”
Eli lifted her chin with his hand until her eyes stared into his. “I am not any of those people. I will never stop loving you.”
* * *
Catrina could not breathe. She could not speak. He still loved her. Thanks be to der Herr, he still loved her. She stared into his eyes. She expected his face to be hard and condemning, but instead his eyes looked soft and his expression thoughtful. No one had ever looked at her like that after they knew. Catrina could not quite believe it. Would everything be all right? “When you wouldn’t speak to me . . . when you walked away, I thought . . .”
“I needed some time. I didn’t want to say anything I might regret. I didn’t understand why you didn’t tell me.”
Catrina’s stomach churned. She should have told him. She knew she should have told him. She had been wrong to believe any good could come from hiding the truth. “I’m sorry. I should have trusted you enough to tell you. I knew that you were not like anyone else. That’s why I fell in love with you.” Her lips trembled. He put a hand on her shoulder. His touch felt warm and comforting. It made her feel brave enough to go on. “But now that you know, do you see me . . . differently?”
“No.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I was shocked at first, I guess. I didn’t believe it when Gertrud told me. But the worst of it isn’t true anyway. And I don’t hold the part that is true against you. I don’t care that you were with another man before me. As long as you chose me, that’s what matters.”
“I did choose you.”
“Ja.” Eli gave a faint, hesitant smile. “You did.”
“You’re not angry, truly?”
“Oh, I could be.” He rubbed his eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “Maybe I was, for a moment. But not at you.” He looked away. “I could be very angry at Jack Steward, and your father, and everyone else who spoke ill of you.” Eli’s jaw flexed. He paused and stared into the dark, silent woods. The moonlight painted the leaves silver. “But if it had never happened, I would not have you now.” He looked back at her and smiled. “It’s funny where life can take you. And if we can let go of the past, we can enjoy where we go. I can be angry that they hurt you, or I can be thankful that it brought you to me. I think I’ll choose the latter.”
“Thank you, Eli.”
“For what?”
“For believing me. For believing in me.”
“I wouldn’t be worthy of you if I didn’t.”
Catrina did not know what to say. No one had spoken of her with such reverence before. No one had thought she was worthy of anything after what she had done. Catrina grabbed Eli’s sleeve and tightened her hand into a fist. “I’m so sorry I left in the night. It’s just that, after what you said yesterday . . . I was so afraid that you didn’t want me anymore. You said you wished you had not married me.”
Eli looked confused. Then he clamped his eyes shut. “No. Oh no.” He slid his arms around Catrina and pulled her against him. Her cheek pressed against the hollow in his throat. “I meant that you shouldn’t have married me because of what I had done. Not because of what you had done.”
“But you have not done anything.”
Catrina felt Eli’s Adam’s apple bob against her cheek. “I kept a secret from you too.” He hesitated. “And mine is far worse than yours.” Eli pulled away from Catrina and looked at her. She had never seen his face so serious.
“I cannot believe that.”
“I killed Gertrud’s husband and son.”
Catrina’s mouth fell open. She could not find words. Eli’s hand raked through his hair, then ran across his brow. His jaw clenched. “It was an accident, but it was my fault.”
“Tell me.” She reached for his hands. “I will understand, I promise. Just as you understood what I have done.”
Eli nodded. “We had just come to Pennsylvania and we had to build a cabin. I didn’t know what I was doing. Neither of us did. But what else could we do? I was pulling the logs up to make the wall and I lost my grip on one. He was standing beneath it and couldn’t get away in time. It struck him on the head.” Eli exhaled. His hand trembled. “He died the next day. And so did their son. Gertrud was expecting and she went into labor from the shock. It wasn’t time yet and the baby was too small to live. All of that happened because I was too weak to hold onto the log. Gertrud lost everything because of me.”
“Oh, Eli.” Catrina threw her arms around him and drew him to her. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was. Nothing you say can convince me otherwise. That’s why I have to be good to Gertie, no matter what she does. Don’t you see? I owe her everything. If it weren’t for me, she would be happy right now. She would have her husband and son.”
“Accidents happen, Eli. They cannot be helped.”
Eli shook his head. “This one could have been.”
“But you have forgiven me for something that I did intentionally. Can’t you forgive yourself for something that you did by accident?”
He took her hand in his and tightened his fingers around it. “Please understand. Nothing can free me from this guilt.”
Catrina did understand. But she knew that he was wrong. She also knew that she could never convince him of that. Thanks be to der Herr, he loved her. He still wanted her. But their problems were not over. No, they were not close to over.