Chapter Twenty-Six
Eli, Gertrud, and Catrina listened for the knock to come. The bishop would come calling today, surely. And he would bring the rest of the elders. Eli’s greatest fear was that they would tell him and Catrina to leave the settlement. He squared his shoulders and set his jaw. If they had to leave, they had to leave. He would stand by Catrina no matter what came.
Gertrud slumped over the spinning wheel, distractedly feeding the wool. She was not at all herself. Well, none of them were. And it was Gertrud’s fault. She should feel bad. He hoped she felt bad. He frowned and ran his fingers through his hair. Dash it all. That wasn’t the right way to feel. If he kept that up nothing would ever get better. They would just keep going in circles of resentment until their family fell apart.
Catrina dropped a pewter cup on the hearth and the sound rang out against the silence. Everyone jumped. Catrina glanced at Eli and he tried to give her a reassuring smile. She looked much paler than usual. She was not herself at all. Catrina did not drop things. She did not fumble and stumble as he did. She was perfect.
No, he remembered. Catrina wasn’t perfect. Eli understood that now. She was a person, like anyone else. She had a complicated, regrettable past. But that made him love her all the more. She was better than perfect—she was human, with all the flaws that came with that. She wasn’t a caricature of a woman. She was real. And she had overcome her past to become a better person. Didn’t that show more character and strength than someone who had never had to overcome anything at all?
Someone pounded on the door. Eli straightened in his seat. Catrina flinched. A look of panic flashed across Gertrud’s face. The bishop was here. The knock came again, louder this time. Well, there was nothing to be done but stand up and face the situation. “I’m coming.” Eli glanced at Catrina and tried to give a reassuring nod. It came out more like the stiff bow of a man headed for the executioner’s block. Oh well, nobody’s perfect. Not even his lovely Catrina.
Eli took a deep breath and opened the door. He did not see the serious face of the bishop on the other side. Instead, he saw the smiling face of Abram Ziegler. Eli had never been so happy to see anyone. “Come in, man! Come in!”
Abram’s smile dropped into a serious expression. He glanced over Eli’s shoulder, looked at the women in the room, then turned his focus back to Eli. “I need to speak to you. In private.”
“Oh.” Oh. Abram knew. Perhaps the elders had sent him to let them down gently. How long until the entire settlement descended on them, shouting and waving pitchforks? Eli ran his fingers through his hair. His imagination was getting out of control. But could anyone blame him? They were in a mighty uncomfortable situation. A weaker man might have just walked away or, at the very least, blamed his wife for the stress that had descended upon them. A realization jolted through his bones. He swallowed and stood up a little taller.
He was not a weak man. He might not shoot or hunt or skin game or lift heavy objects. But he stood by his wife and knew right from wrong. That made him a strong man. Suddenly, unexpectedly, he felt pretty good about himself. He felt satisfied with who he was. Catrina loved him for who he was, after all. Not for who he was not.
Eli stepped outside and pulled the door shut behind him. He was ready to hear whatever Abram said. And it could not be good. Abram looked too nervous for it to be good. Abram took off his beaver-felt hat and turned it around in his hands. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other. “I don’t know how to say this so I’ll just go right out and say it.”
Eli swallowed. He braced himself for the condemnation that was coming.
“I’d like to marry your Gertie.”
Eli’s face jerked. “You’d like to what?”
Abram shrugged, then gave a sheepish grin. “She’s not getting any younger and neither am I. It’s almost too late for us. So I can’t see waiting any longer.” He kept turning his hat around in his thick, meaty hands. The hat looked small when held in those large hands. “So, what do you say? Do you give us your permission?”
“My permission?” Eli cleared his throat. He closed his eyes and slumped against the back of the door. He had never felt so relieved. This was not about Catrina, after all. He opened his eyes and shook his head. “You want to marry Gertie?” He lowered his voice and leaned closer. “Are you sure?”
Abram laughed. His eyes sparkled. “I’m sure all right.”
Eli cleared his throat again. He glanced toward the window to make sure no one could hear. “But why?”
Abram slapped him on the back so hard that he stumbled forward. “Why ever not?”
“Oh well . . .” Eli could think of a few reasons, but he did not think it would be nice to name them.
“She’s tough, Eli. She’s a survivor. I like that. And, she’s got a heart of gold beneath that no-nonsense exterior, you know. I see how she cares for you. Everything she does is to protect you.”
Eli nodded. This was true, but it did not make it easy to live with.
Abram shrugged. “I like a woman who keeps me on my toes. I’ve met my match with her. And I think she’s met her match with me. It’s a good fit.”
Eli nodded again. He knew that Abram enjoyed teasing his sister. He knew that Abram seemed to enjoy her company. Eli suspected he had begun to court her. But marriage!
Abram sighed. He kept turning his hat in his hands. “All right, Eli. Don’t make me say any more. I’m not the type of man to sweet-talk about a woman. Can you just take my word for it that I love her and let’s be done with it?”
“Done with what?” Eli felt lightheaded. He had been so worried that it was hard to calm his nerves. Was Abram not going to talk about Catrina at all? If not, where was the bishop?
Abram frowned. “This conversation. Give us your permission and be done with it.”
Eli laughed. “You don’t need my permission. Go ask Gertie for yourself. She’s her own woman.”
Abram nodded, but his expression remained serious. “That she is. I would not try to tell her what to do any more than I would tell a wildcat what to do.” He put his hat on his head and tapped it with a relieved, carefree gesture. “I suspected you would agree with me on that matter. You aren’t like other men, Eli.”
“And Gertrud isn’t like other women. She might turn you down flat. I’ve no idea what’s in that mind of hers. It’s her decision to make. Not mine.”
“Challenge accepted.” Abram winked, cut around Eli, and marched into the cabin.
Gertrud straightened in her seat when she saw Abram. Her hands flew to her hairline and she worked to tuck loose strands beneath her white linen prayer kappe. “Abram, what a surprise.”
“A pleasant one, I hope.”
“That is yet to be seen.”
Abram smiled. The twinkle returned to his blue eyes. “I’ve a proposition for you, little lass.”
Catrina glanced at Eli, who stood by the door with a look of surprise still on his face. He was not quite sure what would happen. Would Gertrud storm out of the cabin? Would she tell Abram to never speak to her again? Oh, this was going to be good. He raised his eyebrows at Catrina in a just wait expression.
“A proposition?” Gertrud frowned. “I cannot imagine.”
“No?” Abram cracked his knuckles. “I think you can. I think you’ve been imagining this for some time.”
“Humph.”
Abram smiled. “We both know that you are madly in love with me.”
“Abram Ziegler, I ought to throw you out of my cabin for your insolence.”
“And yet, you do not deny it.” He glanced at Eli. “She does not deny it.” Eli did not reply. He had no intention of getting in the middle of this.
“If you have something to say, you best go on and say it. I’ll count to ten and then I’ll throw you right out of my cabin.”
“It’s high time we married, little lass.”
“Well, I never.”
Abram grinned. “You’ve been thinking the same. Admit it, old girl.”
“I most certainly have not.”
Abram’s expression weakened. A flicker of concern danced across his features, then disappeared. He sighed. “Ah, well. Can’t win them all.”
“No.”
“I’ll go before you kick me out.” He headed to the door.
“Now wait right there, Abram Ziegler. I said that I had not been thinking the same. I did not say that I would not accept.”
“Ah.” Abram froze. He turned around slowly. “And?”
“And nothing. I would like to, but I cannot.” She turned away, straightened her lips into a tight line, and stared out the window.
Abram glanced at Eli, then back to Gertrud. Eli frowned. He was not sure what was happening.
Abram looked thoughtful. He pulled the bench from beneath the table and sat down. “Why can’t you?” Abram rested his elbows on his knees and leaned toward Gertrud. Eli had never seen him look so serious.
Catrina stood up. “Eli and I will go for a walk. You two will want to be alone.”
“No,” Gertrud said. “Stay. It involves you. I cannot marry Abram because of you.”
Catrina could not believe what she was hearing. “Because of me?”
“Ja.”
Everyone stared at Gertrud. She maintained a tight expression that gave nothing away. Her eyes stayed on the woods beyond the window. She cleared her throat. “I took away your chance for happiness—yours and Eli’s. I do not deserve to find happiness myself.”
“Oh.” Oh! Catrina had never been so surprised. She suspected that Gertrud felt contrite. But this!
“What happened?” Abram asked.
“I thought that I was protecting Eli. You must understand that. After everything that I had heard about you . . .” Gertrud swallowed and swiveled in her seat until she faced Catrina. “I should not have believed such spiteful gossip. I should have given you a chance.”
“I have no idea what’s going on,” Abram said.
Gertrud sighed. “I can’t tell you everything. It isn’t my place. Just know that I hurt Catrina because I believed something about Catrina. And I . . . I told that something to the bishop.”
“Ah. A very indelicate something about Catrina?”
Gertrud cleared her throat. “Ja.”
“That involves a scoundrel by the name of Jack Steward?”
Everyone in the room but Abram gasped.
“How did you . . .”
“Ach. I was a trapper before I settled here—you know that. Trappers trade their furs. And when you trade you hear things.”
“You mean . . .” Catrina’s face lost its color. “You knew? All this time, you knew what I had done?”
“Ja.”
“And you never held it against me.”
“Why would I? The only one I would hold it against is that Steward fellow.”
“Abram, I don’t know what to say.”
Abram shrugged. “I’ve made my own mistakes. And I wouldn’t want them to follow me for the rest of my life. Doesn’t seem right that your mistakes should follow you.”
Catrina felt a warm, happy glow build inside her chest. She had not realized how loved she was until now. Eli, her grandparents, and now Abram. All of them treated her as if she was worthy of their love. It made her feel that she was worthy of it.
“I wish that I had treated you as Abram has,” Gertrud said. “Can you forgive me, Catrina? And can you, Eli?”
Eli nodded. “I know why you did it. I understand.”
Catrina did not know what to say. Gertrud was asking for forgiveness? From her? Then she realized that there was only one thing to say and she must say it quickly. “Ja. I forgive you.”
“You’re sure?”
“Ja.”
Gertrud nodded. “Very well.” She turned to Abram. Her eyes glinted with something that looked like joy. Catrina had never seen the expression on Gertrud’s face before. “I accept.”
“Do you?” Abram cocked his head to the side. “Do you really?”
“I just said it, didn’t I?”
“Yes. You sure did.”
“And you have pointed out that I am a woman of my word.”
“That I have.”
“Then there we are.”
“Ja. There we are.”
Abram hesitated. It was the first time that Eli had ever seen him at a loss. The poor man looked as if he did not know what to say or do. “I thought it would take a while to wear you down.”
“I am entirely too sensible for that type of nonsense. You should know that.”
“Ja.” Abram shrugged as a goofy grin lit up his face. “So here we are.”
“Ja. Here we are.” They continued to stare at each other. “What happens now?” Abram asked finally.
“I have no idea,” Gertrud answered.
Eli smiled. It would be a very unusual marriage. And a very good one.
* * *
The mood changed in the cabin right away. A great weight had lifted from Gertrud. She actually smiled—smiled!—as she sat on the bench beside Abram and murmured about their wedding plans. They sat with their heads together like two schoolchildren conspiring at their desks. Catrina even thought she heard Gertrud humming a cheerful song. How very outrageous.
Catrina knew that she should be spinning, but she could not. She was too restless and distracted. The comforting, familiar feeling of wool between her fingers could not keep her mind off her situation. It felt so strange to sit in a room where everyone knew her past, and no one cared. She almost felt free. She could have been free. Gertrud had apologized and would no longer hold Catrina’s past against her. If only the story had not gotten out first!
When the knock came, Catrina was prepared. She straightened in her seat and nodded to Eli. He nodded back and mouthed, “I love you.” Catrina smiled and looked down. The humiliation was bad enough to endure alone, but having to put Eli through it was even worse.
When Eli opened the door, Amos Knepp and Abraham Riehl stood with their hats in their hands. Both men looked acutely uncomfortable. Eli turned back to Catrina. “The bishop’s here,” he said. His face turned red and Catrina knew that he was embarrassed. Oh, how awkward this would be!
Catrina stood. She remembered to keep her posture straight and maintain her poise. She would not show the humiliation that she felt. She would believe in redemption, even if they did not. She knew that the rest of the people in the room believed in her redemption too, and that knowledge increased her strength. Eli, Gertrud, and Abram were on her side. But would that be enough if the rest of the settlement condemned her? “I’ll get some redroot tea.”
The men nodded.
“Come, sit down,” Eli said, and motioned to the bench beside the table. The two men shuffled to their seats in silence. The room felt very tense. Amos’s finger tapped against the table. The sound echoed against the stillness. Abraham readjusted his feet. “I suppose you know why we are here,” Amos said at last.
Eli nodded. “Ja.”
Catrina did not look up as she ladled water from the cauldron into two pewter cups. She tried to put all her focus on the tea.
“We do not like to have to call on you over such a matter.” Abraham’s hand ran over his beard. He frowned. Catrina dropped a handful of redroot leaves in the pewter cups and carried them across the room. Her footsteps sounded too loud against the soft dirt floor. Catrina set the pewter cups on the table and glanced at Gertrud. Her sister-in-law’s face looked as white as her linen prayer kappe.
Amos picked up a pewter cup, blew across the top, and set it down again without taking a sip. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. This was going to be painful. No one wanted to start the conversation.
“We may as well go on and say it,” Abraham said. Catrina’s muscles tensed. She waited for everyone to turn and stare at her. But instead, Abraham and Amos turned toward Gertrud.
She shot up from her seat. “I was wrong. None of it is true!” Gertrud shook her head. “No, it is true—most of it anyway. What I mean is that I was wrong. It was in the past and does not matter now. I never should have told you.”
Abram put his arm around Gertrud’s shoulders. “She’s right. I’ve known all along and I say it matters not.”
Amos and Abraham looked at each other. Their faces looked strained and serious. Amos ran his fingers through his beard. Catrina’s heart thudded against her breastbone. She sat down on the stool in front of her spinning wheel. She did not think that her legs would hold her if she stood. And then a very strange thing happened. Amos smiled and Abraham returned the smile. “Then our visit has been in vain.”
“What?” Gertrud looked confused.
Amos spread out his hands. “Catrina cannot be held responsible for what she did before she converted to our ways.”
“No?” Gertrud sat up straighter. “No.” A faint smile tugged at her lips.
Catrina felt a great weight lift from her shoulders. Her entire body seemed lighter. Eli looked as if he had just heard the happiest news he could ever hear. His face was alight with joy. Abram nodded thoughtfully.
Abraham cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “So, you see, we did not come to reprimand Catrina. We came to ask Gertrud to stop sowing division within the settlement.”
Gertrud flinched.
“But,” Amos cut in. “It seems that it is unnecessary for us to bring up such an unpleasant topic, since Gertrud has already brought it up herself. And has admitted her wrong in it.”
“Indeed,” Abraham said.
No one spoke for a moment. No one quite knew what to say. The visit had gone far, far differently than anyone had expected.
Amos and Abraham waited a few moments, then nodded and stood. “Looks like the barley crop is doing well,” Abraham said.
“And I hear the flax harvest brought in a good store,” Amos added. Eli and Catrina nodded, then looked at each other. Was that all? Was it really over?
“We’ve got the evening chores to see to,” Abraham said as he put on his hat. “Best be getting on.”
“Wait.” Catrina jumped up from her seat. “Did you . . . I mean . . .” She bit her lip. “Did you tell anyone?”
Both men shook their heads. “No,” Amos said. “Of course not.”
They had not told! She was not ruined! She could go on living as she had been!
Although that was not strictly true, was it? She would not go on living as she had before because she would no longer be running from herself. She would not live in fear that someone would discover the truth. The worst had already happened and she was still accepted. She was still loved. Suddenly, she did not care if anyone else in the settlement found out. It did not matter anymore. She was free.