Chapter Twenty-Seven
Catrina was free, but Eli was not. The upcoming wedding kept him distracted, but his thoughts kept turning back to Gertrud’s first marriage. Today’s happiness would not undo the pain she had experienced in the past. There would always be a black hole in her life from that loss. And it would always be his fault.
No one seemed to notice his concern. The cabin was a whirl of activity. The women ran about doing a baffling array of chores to set up house for Gertrud. They made lye soap from ashes, laundered clothes, aired linens, sewed bedcovers, and goodness only knew what else. It was all a man could do to focus on his weaving.
Best of all, Catrina and Gertrud did all of it together. Sometimes Eli had to listen very carefully to believe what he was hearing. They often laughed together—laughed! Once he even heard Gertrud giggle. It was enough to give him the vapors from the shock of it, if men could have such a thing.
Seeing Gertrud’s joy was almost enough to draw Eli from his guilt. Almost, but not quite. For that dark, unspoken fear continued to whisper against the back of his mind. Happiness like this cannot last. What if another tragedy strikes? And what if it is your fault again?
He tried to push the thoughts away, but every time he closed his eyes, he heard the crack of the log as it crashed down on his brother-in-law. He felt the panic tear through him again. At night, he often shot up in bed, the image as fresh as if it had happened that day.
Worst of all, Eli knew that a wedding meant that there would be a work party. They would have to enlarge Abram’s cramped cabin to make room for Gertrud. Eli lived in fear of work parties. He dreaded marriages and births because it meant he would have to help build a new addition or a new cabin. He usually managed to take the least risky job—after all, no one looked at him and thought he was fit to haul logs. But, this would be the work party for his sister’s marriage. He could not get out of that. The thought gripped him like a vice. How would he manage? What if he hurt someone again?
* * *
Finally, the dreaded day arrived. Catrina was nearly as nervous as Eli. She knew how he feared that he would make a mistake. But he would not hear of backing down. He would do his part for his sister. There was nothing else to be done. How could he refuse to do his job when the entire community was watching?
Abram greeted Eli with a slap on the back that was much too hard. It was going to be a difficult day. Catrina frowned and took Gertrud by the sleeve. “I’m afraid,” she whispered.
“So am I.”
“What do you say we get started?” Abram asked in his loud, booming voice.
Eli swallowed. “I say . . . great?” He looked around. “But where is everyone?” The clearing was empty except for Jacob Miller, who stood with one leather boot on a felled log and an ax in his hand. He looked like the very picture of manliness. Eli felt like the exact opposite.
Abram laughed and slapped him on the back again. “Too busy with the planting. Jacob and I felled the trees a few days ago. We’ve already stripped and notched them. All we have to do is put them in place. That’s easy for just three men to do. Couldn’t spare anyone else.”
Eli nodded, but the color drained from his face. Catrina and Gertrud looked at each other. This was much worse than they thought it would be. With only three men, Eli would be integral to the work. He would have to do the same job he had done when he had the accident.
Gertrud shook her head and spoke to Catrina in a low voice. “Everyone came out to build your cabin. Eli managed to do the small jobs. He can’t get away with that now. There’s no one else to do the work.”
“But he can’t do it,” Catrina whispered.
“At least the felling is done. He only needs to help stack the logs to make the walls.” Neither of the women said what they both knew. That was the job that scared Eli the most. It was what had killed Gertrud’s first husband.
They watched Eli walk across the clearing to where Jacob stood beside the felled logs. Eli’s hands clenched open and shut. Catrina wanted to cry. She knew how scared he must feel.
“How high are we building?” Eli asked.
Abram jogged to Eli and held up his hand so that it was higher than his head. “High enough so that I can stand upright inside the addition.” Abram grinned. Eli did not. He swallowed and adjusted his hat. “That’s pretty high.”
“Ja. That it is. But it’s just a lean-to. The construction is fairly simple.” Abram rubbed his hands together. “Let’s get started!”
Catrina could not watch. She sat down on a stump and faced the other direction. Gertrud sighed and dropped onto the ground beside Catrina. “We ought to find something to do. I cannot bear to hear them work, even if we can’t see them.”
“We shouldn’t have come.” Catrina scratched a patch of skin beneath her neck cloth. “I think I’m breaking out in hives again.” They could hear the sound of logs being dragged across dirt and grass. Eli grunted. Wood thudded against wood. This could not be over soon enough. “How much longer will it take?”
Gertrud twisted her head to see behind them. “They’ve only laid the foundation for the lean-to. They’ve barely even begun.”
Catrina rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. “Let’s go put lunch on. I can’t take this anymore.”
Gertrud nodded. “Neither can I.”
* * *
Eli was having a very bad morning. The logs were so heavy he could barely roll them into place. His hands were already damp with sweat and the smooth wood slid off his palms. And the worst was yet to come. His stomach felt queasy and his mouth was dry. Everything in him warned him to walk away. He could not be trusted with this.
When Abram and Jacob put the skids up, Eli knew that the real trouble had begun. They would have to roll the logs up the skids to get them into place. Eli stared at the log wall and wiped his mouth. It was only chest high. They would have to stack at least three more logs. He was not sure that he was strong enough. And if his strength gave out . . .
But he would not back down. He would do his part. And he would make Gertrud happy. It was the least he could do.
“Keep your attention on the log, Eli!”
“What? Oh!” Eli shifted to get a better grip on the log as he, Abram, and Jacob rolled it up the skids. “Mind your work or there’ll be trouble for the both of us.”
Eli nodded. He knew that all too well. His shoulders burned as he pushed the log upward. Every muscle in his body strained. He gritted his teeth and pushed harder.
“Almost there!” Abram shouted as the log cleared the top of the skids and slid into position. “Steady, now! Hold it!”
Eli used all of his strength to hold the log steady as Abram and Jacob fitted the notches carved in each side into the notches carved in the log beneath it. The log locked into place with a satisfying thud. Abram sighed and wiped the sweat from his forehead.
“It’s getting too high,” Jacob said as he studied the wall. “I’ll work from above. You two work from below.”
Eli nodded and let out a long exhale. Thanks be to der Herr they didn’t ask him to hold the log from above. That was the worst thing they could ever ask him to do.
* * *
Catrina could not stand it anymore. She had hidden in the kitchen long enough. All morning, she had heard thumps and thuds and shouts. Each time she cringed and prayed to der Herr for Eli’s safety. Catrina wiped her hands on her apron and straightened herself. She had been leaning over the hearth longer than she realized and her back ached. “I’m going to see the progress.”
Gertrud set down the bowl in her hand and nodded. “Surely it is almost over.”
Catrina walked around to the back of the cabin and shook her head. Eli and Abram stood at the bottom of the skids, their arms bracing a log, while Jacob worked from above with a length of rope. The rope whirred as the log bounced and scraped up the skids. “I can’t look,” she whispered, and turned away. “It’s bad enough that Jacob is leaning over far enough to lose his balance and fall on his head. But poor Eli! He looks about to faint. He’s like as not to be crushed!”
Gertrud put her hand on Catrina’s shoulder and held it there. “Bear up, Catrina. There’s nothing we can do. And best to keep your voice down. Eli’s liable to hear if you keep hollering like that. It will only make him more nervous.”
“I don’t holler.”
“All right.”
Catrina sighed.
Gertrud shielded her eyes from the sun with the blade of her hand. “This was a bad idea. Let’s go back inside.” But she stayed riveted to the ground. “I don’t like how far Jacob is leaning over.”
“He knows what he’s doing. He’s done it for years, remember? He’s the best builder in the settlement.”
Gertrud nodded, but did not answer. Her mouth was too tight.
That was when it happened. Afterward, Catrina could not remember exactly how it had happened, only that it had. Abram looked over at them and grinned at his fiancée. Gertrud smiled back. That one small moment was all it took to distract him. It was a moment that could change everything forever.
Jacob leaned forward another fraction to help ease the heavy log over the top of the skids. The log was almost in place when Jacob lost his balance. Catrina watched in slow motion as his mouth opened and a low, surprised shout roared from his lungs. He teetered on the edge of the highest log for a long, terrible moment, and then plunged off the wall. The rope flew from his hand and whirred through the pulley.
Abram’s attention shot from Gertrud’s smile to where Jacob had just been. But Jacob wasn’t there anymore. Abram’s face flickered with surprise. He didn’t know what had happened. Both he and Eli stood in the log’s path. There was not time for them to jump out of the way. The skids blocked their escape on either side. Catrina heard a high-pitched shriek and realized that it came from her throat. She wanted to look away, but her eyes could not close in time.
* * *
Eli could not jump to either side; the skids blocked his path. He could not step backward in time; the log would catch his legs and crush them. Some instinct told him to duck and take Abram down with him. Or perhaps his knees buckled from fear. He preferred to believe the former. Either way, he collapsed in a crumpled heap with Abram beneath him as the log roared past his head and thudded onto the ground. It kept rolling for several yards. He stayed crouched on the ground for a long, agonizing moment. Had he survived? Yes, he realized after a few heartbeats. He had. He uncurled his body as Catrina bounded toward him. She knocked into him so hard that he hit the ground again. He held on to her and stumbled to his feet to see if he could stand. He could. He really was all right.
“You’re alive! You’re not hurt!” Catrina’s eyes scanned him in a quick, panicked motion before she threw her arms around him again. “I thought it hit you.”
“Abram?” Gertrud hovered over Abram, her face twisted with fear. She shook him and he groaned.
“I’m alive,” Abram said. “But I won’t be for long if you keep shaking me like that.”
“Don’t ever do that again!” Gertrud said. She was almost crying, and the words came out in a shout. Abram turned to face his fiancée. He was smiling. “If fear of the grave won’t keep me in line, then you certainly will.”
“You’re not hurt, then?”
“No. I don’t think so. Except for where Eli walloped me. I’ll have a bruise in the shape of his fist, I wager.” He stood up, stumbled a little, and managed to slap Eli on the back. “Reckon you saved my life. Thanks for that.”
“I did?”
“Ja. You did.”
“Wait!” Catrina shouted. “What about Jacob?” Everyone froze. They had been so relieved that they had forgotten him for a moment.
“I’m all right,” a weak, shaky voice said from around the corner of the half-built wall. “Just knocked the breath out of me.” They heard his boots scrape the dirt and a groan as he straightened his back. When he rounded the corner of the cabin, his face looked drawn and pale. “I don’t know what to say.”
“What do you mean?” Eli asked.
Jacob looked beside himself, and Eli realized the man was overcome with fear and shame. He knew those emotions well. “I could have killed you both,” Jacob said. He held his hand over his mouth for a moment, then dropped it. “I nearly did.” He shook his head. “I know better than that.” His voice sounded very low, as if it might break.
“Eli pushed me down in time,” Abram said.
“But what if he hadn’t?” The shame and fear showed in Jacob’s expression. “I’ve never made a mistake like that.”
Eli could not bear to see the look on Jacob’s face. “It was an accident. Sometimes accidents can’t be helped. They just happen.”
Jacob looked thoughtful for a moment. Finally, he nodded, but his face stayed grim. “You forgive me, then?”
“There’s nothing to forgive. It was an accident.”
Jacob nodded again. He turned and studied the log wall, then looked back at Eli and Abram. “Do you mind if we quit for the day? The truth is, any one of us could have died today, and I’m pretty shaken up about it. I’d like to go home and tell my wife I love her. I ought to do that more often. I will do that more often.”
“I don’t mind at all.”
Eli waited until Jacob had gathered his tools and left before he turned to Gertrud. “I’m sorry you had to see that. Are you all right?”
“Ja.” But her face still looked too pale. Eli knew that everything must have come rushing back to her in that terrible moment when the log crashed down on Abram.
“I’m all right because of you,” Gertrud said. “You saved Abram.”
Eli swallowed. “I did.” The full weight of the moment began to hit him. He had saved another man. And not just any man—Gertie’s man! But that would not bring her first husband, Johan, back. It could not be enough. Why couldn’t he have done something like that before? Eli shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Gertie.”
Gertrud’s eyes narrowed. “Whatever for?”
“I should have saved Johan too. If I could save Abram, why couldn’t I save Johan?”
Gertrud’s mouth opened and closed again. Her expression shifted from surprise to sorrow. “That is where your thoughts are at this moment?”
“Ja.”
“Oh, Eli. I’ve seen you hold on to the guilt for so many years. I cannot bear it anymore. The reason I was so worried about Catrina’s past was because I knew how much you were hurting over Johan’s death, and the baby I lost, and I didn’t want anyone to ever make you hurt again. Don’t you see? All I want is for you to be happy. I want you to be free of it. I’ve got Abram now. And you’ve got Catrina. It’s time to let the past go and enjoy the future.”
“You don’t want me to feel guilty?”
“No. Of course not.”
“But, after what I did . . .”
“Do you want Jacob to feel guilty about what he did today?”
“No. That would be ridiculous.”
Catrina and Gertrud both smiled at him.
“Ah. I see.”
“Yes,” Gertrud said. “I hope that you do.”
Eli thought about it for a moment, then he pulled Catrina to him. She felt so right in his arms. His life had not gone as he had planned in the past. Neither had hers. But that was the past. Now they were here, together, and everything was going to be all right. There would still be challenges—life could not exist without challenges. But they would face those challenges together, without guilt and without condemnation.
And, they would face life’s challenges with family at their side. Georg, Frena, and Abram would always stand by Catrina. Even Gertrud would now. And soon, there would be more family, if der Herr blessed them with sons and daughters and nieces and nephews. It would be a good life, whatever it brought, because Catrina and he knew how to face it—together, without looking back.