‘That right arm’s still a bit sticky,’ Norman said.
‘My fault,’ Ludokrus said. ‘I should not make him do the cartwheel.’
‘It was pretty funny though.’
Artificial Albert turned his head and glared at them. ‘I didn’t think so.’
Norman and Ludokrus had a control glove each. Coral had one too, but hers was just for head movements. She also had a whisper-mic — a fine wire strand tucked in her abundant hair. When activated by her glove, Artificial Albert would say whatever she whispered.
‘Not very natural, guys,’ Tim called.
Albert was striding ahead of them, following the gravel road that led to the farm, but with his head turned completely backwards.
‘Oh chill out, Timmo,’ Coral said through Albert as Ludokrus made him dance.
Alkemy shook her head. She didn’t approve of the undertaking and was unnerved at how life-like the replica had turned out. With flesh on the bare metal skeleton, some of Albert’s clothes, and a voice pattern copied from the memory bulb, the likeness was uncanny. At least until he started to break dance in the middle of the road.
The robot actually walked more smoothly than Alkemy, and even though they adjusted their pace to hers, Tim could see she was struggling. She insisted she was fine, saying the sooner her new muscles got used to it, the better, but when he offered to find her a stick, she accepted gratefully.
Round the back of the farm house, in the shade of a rata tree, they found a long trestle table set with plates, cutlery and a selection of side-salads. On one end was a mountainous pavlova topped with fresh strawberries and cream.
‘Yum!’ Norman said.
Frank had taken charge of a smaller table covered with bottles and glasses.
‘There’s water, fizz and fruit juice over there. Help yourselves.’ He turned to Albert. ‘What I reckon you need is a beer.’
‘I reckon you’re right,’ Albert said.
Frank poured him one and raised his glass. ‘Cheers.’
‘Cheers,’ Coral whispered and glanced at Norman.
Norman stroked his glove and Albert raised his glass.
It stopped halfway.
He stroked it again, harder.
Nothing.
And again.
Alice and Em emerged from the house, carrying steaming dishes. Frank turned towards them as Albert’s arm suddenly engaged and flung the contents of his glass over his shoulder — most of which hit Coral.
Frank turned back. ‘Now that’s what I call a thirst! Here, let me top you up.’
‘You did that on purpose!’ Coral hissed at Norman.
‘It’s that right arm.’
‘Well use the left! Look at me, I’m soaked. And you can stop laughing.’ She slapped Ludokrus, who laughed even harder.
Lunch was serve-yourself, but Coral attended to Albert to avoid further mishaps.
‘More lamb?’
‘Yes please.’
‘Bean salad?’
‘Thanks.’
Tim grinned and nudged Ludokrus. ‘Talking to herself again. She’s a natural.’
‘Stop whispering, you lot,’ Albert snapped at them. ‘It’s not polite. And sit up straight, Ludokrus.’
The three controllers were forced to pick at their food. They couldn’t eat much as they had to stay focused on manipulating Albert.
‘Don’t you want those chicken wings?’ Tim said to Norman.
‘Yes, I—’
‘Here, I’ll swap you for some brussels sprouts.’
‘No way!’
‘More chips, Alkemy? I don’t think Norman wants these.’
‘I’ll get you for this, Townsend!’ Norman hissed.
Albert apologised to Em and Frank for their late return the day before.
‘I have to admit we were getting a bit worried,’ Em said, ‘but you did the right thing in waiting out that storm.’
Albert smiled and shoved a forkful of lamb into his chin.
Norman snorted, then pretended to choke on his food, which distracted everyone long enough for Ludokrus to correct the mistake.
‘Still got a spot of gravy there,’ Tim said out the corner of his mouth.
Norman made a wiping gesture on his glove, but nothing happened.
‘Use his left—’
Norman did it again and Albert suddenly slapped himself in the face.
Everyone stared.
‘Sandfly,’ he muttered.
The meal continued.
Alice, seated diagonally across from Albert, gave him a curious glance. Tim noticed, and had a look himself. It took a moment to realise what was wrong.
‘He’s not chewing,’ he whispered to Coral.
‘Oh give me a break. I’m trying to hold a conversation here.’
‘Yeah, well, someone’s noticed.’
Coral corrected the problem. Then, when only Alice was looking, she made Albert swallow a boiled potato — whole. It travelled down his throat in a lump, looking like he’d swallowed a tennis ball.
Alice stared in horror. Albert grinned at her. She looked away.
‘Where’s he putting it all?’ Tim said to Norman.
‘You’re asking him?’ Coral grinned.
‘Hey!’ Norman said.
‘You want to know?’ Ludokrus said quietly. ‘Listen.’
They heard a faint sloshing sound.
‘What’s that?’
‘Look under table.’
‘Not all at once!’
They took turns, sitting back in their chairs, glancing under the tablecloth. One of Albert’s legs was raised and he was shaking it vigorously.
‘Is the beer, I think,’ Ludokrus said.
‘Not the first glass. Coral’s still wearing that.’
‘Very funny. He’s got hollow legs. Just like Norman.’
‘Hey!’
‘Actually,’ Coral said, ‘you probably don’t want to do that too much.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because it’s beer. It fizzes.’
A sudden froth of foam burst out of Albert’s nostrils. Norman tried to steer his hand to cover it, but the arm jammed halfway. The only thing Coral could think to do was stick out Albert’s tongue to catch it.
‘Oh, gross!’
Em and Frank looked up the table. Coral turned Albert’s head away just in time, but not before Alice caught a glimpse. A look of mute horror crossed her face.
They were laughing so hard that no one knew what to do. Fortunately, Albert’s head was turned towards them, the same way as the other adults. Unfortunately, foaming bubbles were still streaming from his nose. The sight of it made them laugh even harder.
‘What on earth’s got into them?’ Em said.
Tim nudged his sister. ‘Open his mouth.’
‘God no, he’ll puke it out.’
‘He won’t, trust me. It’s a pressure thing.’
‘I’ll point him at you if he does.’
Coral stroked her palm and Albert’s mouth opened. There was a faint hiss, like a sigh, and the nose foam stopped bubbling. Norman worked his left hand, bringing it up with a serviette, and Coral managed to make him shake his head in a disapproving, adult fashion.
‘I reckon they’ve been at my beer,’ Frank said.
‘Not us,’ Tim said, and the others laughed even harder.
* * *
‘I wonder if I could have a word,’ Alice said to Albert when they’d finished dessert. ‘In private.’ She moved to the seat directly opposite him.
‘We’ll do these.’ Em took an armful of dishes from Tim and handed them to Frank. She nodded at Albert and Alice, then said in a lower tone, ‘You lot make yourselves scarce.’
Em still had hopes for her sister. A few days earlier — before all this talk of spaceships — Alice had seemed rather keen on Albert. So much so that she’d made him a plate of her special wholemeal pikelets. He was a sensible chap. Perhaps he could talk her round. Perhaps he could help her shake off some of the silly ideas she had.
‘Can’t go far,’ Ludokrus said. ‘The gloves have not much range.’
‘My bedroom,’ Coral said. ‘It’s nearest.’
Out of range of the transmitters, Albert slumped a little as they went inside. Alice didn’t notice. She was fiddling with something in her bag and set it on the table.
Albert straightened again as they reached Coral’s room and he came back in range of the control gloves. Through the open window they could hear what was going on.
‘Well,’ Alice said.
‘Well, well, well,’ Albert replied. ‘Three holes in the ground.’
Coral sniggered.
Tim elbowed her.
‘Ow!’ Albert said.
‘What?’
‘Nothing. You wanted to talk to me, Alice?’
‘Yes. I want to know who you are for a start. And what you’re doing at the reserve.’
‘I want a cup of tea,’ Albert said. ‘And some ice cream. And a bowl of cherries. And to look into your lovely bloodshot eyes.’
‘What?’
‘Nothing.’ He gave her a silly grin.
‘You can’t distract me, you know. I won’t let you. I know what you’ve been up to. I know everything. I know all about the spaceship,’ she leaned forward significantly, ‘and the mice.’
‘Pipi and Paua?’
‘Pardon?’
‘The mice. They’re called Pipi and Paua.’
‘Oh ... are they?’
‘You didn’t know that.’
Alice checked herself. He’d distracted her again.
‘Look,’ she said, ‘I want to know who you’re working for.’
‘The government.’
‘Which department?’
‘Pest control.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
Coral whispered to Ludokrus and Norman, ‘Lean him forward.’
Albert leaned forward and said quietly, ‘I could tell you ...’
‘Yes?’ Alice leaned closer.
‘... but then I’ll have to kill you. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-hah!’
Alice lurched backwards, startled, and fell off her seat.
* * *
Coral was still laughing when they reached the shortcut. Ludokrus and Norman were making Albert walk like a zombie: stiff-legged, arms outstretched, his head lolling to one side.
‘That was so funny!’
‘You shouldn’t have said that,’ Tim said. ‘You know what she’s like.’
‘Oh relax. Who’s she going to tell? No one will believe her anyway.’