TUESDAY

→  5 DAYS remaining.

Today Sergeant BullyBeef decided to teach me how to physically defend myself against an alien.

I was really excited about this.

Not because I wanted to beat up aliens, but because it was my chance to impress that bully with my mad combat skills.

I knew I'd be good at hand-to-hand combat.

Firstly, because I play rugby (even though I'm on the D team) and secondly, because I rock at all martial arts PlayStation games.

My sidekick gaming move is particularly impressive.

Sergeant BullyBeef and I made our way back out on to the beach, where he demanded that I try to attack him.

Now, you must understand that I was supremely nervous about this call to action. Firstly, because he was triple my size, and secondly because he was triple my size!

Nevertheless, it was a good opportunity to give him some serious PAYBACK for the way he'd been treating me. That warty toad could do with a SERIOUS thumping.

Even though I'm not a violent person by nature, I prepared for the attack.

I knew I had to hit first and hit hard, because there was absolutely no way I was going to survive a direct hit from him. My plan was to aim for one of his vital spots, incapacitate him and then finish him off.

Mission accomplished!

I took a run-up towards him, preparing to kick him in the stomach, followed by an elbow jab to the head.

Unfortunately, my plan of attack went horribly wrong.

X X X  It was TOTALLY HUMILIATING!!

I seriously considered going to retrieve one of those energy bombs and blowing him to bits.