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“So why you were you an asshole in class the other day?” I ask, pushing air over my shoulder to indicate the passage of time.
Callum ducks his head, avoiding my gaze, and honestly the duality of him—looking like he can murder you without breaking a sweat, his aura taking up more space than his body, voice deeper than the ocean—and being a shy person makes me lose my mind just a little bit.
That could also be the sleep deprivation, though—the hunger for sleep that makes everything seem so much funnier to me, that makes me wonder about him in this odd liminal space that we find ourselves in.
“Ah, I don’t do well around other people. I don’t enjoy people trying to make small talk with me,” Callum says, then winces when he realizes how it sounds. “I find it tiring, being around certain people. I don’t know if I’m saying this right, honestly, without coming off like a dick.”
I shrug. “I don’t fully understand, but I know what you’re talking about.” Evie would totally understand, my perfect cousin would totally get the way he’s feeling without him having to explain it out loud.
Callum nods, rubbing the back of his neck and sighing. He takes another gulp of his coffee, downing it and finishing it, and then puts it off to the side of the table, waiting for the refill. Our waiter moves over to us quickly, probably trying to fight off the exhaustion of his own night shift. I push my mug over for a refill, too and once that’s done, we’re alone again, fixing up our coffees: black with a lot of sugar for me, Callum liking it creamy and sweet, which again, isn’t what I was expecting, like at all.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know, working at the bar, being a woman, it’s exhausting. I get it, so it sucks that you feel like that all of the time. I promise you’re interesting and it’s been fun getting to know you.”
“You’re just saying that so you can convince me to bring Luna with me wherever we decide to work on the O.M. case together later.”
I raise an eyebrow, cupping both hands around my hot mug, fighting off the over-exhausted shudders running up and down my spine. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind, but where the hell are we gonna go that you can bring Luna with you?”
We don’t talk about how she’s still at the vet, still getting medicated and getting her therapy without either of us there. We circle around the fact that she might not survive the next few hours. We don’t talk about that at all.
“My building has a conference room of sorts. I could book it and bring Luna along. That could work,” Callum says, nodding to himself while he takes another few gulps of coffee, finishing yet another cup and then moving it to the side of the table, waiting for yet another refill.
I like that he doesn’t invite me to his place, I like that he has the forethought to think of how that would make me uncomfortable. Maybe I’m projecting; everything feels different this late in the day, this early in the morning. Man, I miss my bed, so, so bad.
“Sure, that could work.”
The conversation moves to favorite TV shows when we were kids.
“My sister’s three years older than me, so we watched whatever she wanted to watch. It was My Little Pony reruns before the reboot, and that show actually, Reboot, but like the same episode over and over.” I start telling him about it, and he’s leaning forward on his elbows, looking at me in the face so that I feel seen, so very different from all those times the guys I served drinks to looked at me before.
It’s enough to fluster anyone, but I just keep talking and talking, to the point where I’m the only one actually contributing to the conversation.
“Callum? I’m talking too much, huh? Why don’t you tell me about you?”
Callum shakes his head, eyes flaring in surprise or alarm, I can’t tell which. There’s a dune’s worth of sand in each of my eyeballs, and all the coffee I drank hasn’t chased away the tired feeling in my bones or the exhaustion coating my skin, but it has made my heartbeat sprint in my chest, so I feel exhausted while I’m about ready to have a heart attack.
Stick to water for the rest of the morning, okay, Izzy?
“I don’t know, I like listening to you talk.”
“But I’m not really saying anything important,” I say, alluding to the fact that Callum is uncomfortable with small talk.
“Sure you are, I’m learning about you, about what you like, about what you don’t like.”
“Yeah?” I question, raising an eyebrow. Are we flirting? Is this what’s happening between the two of us?
We both notice at the same time how close we’ve gotten to each other, both of us leaning our elbows onto the table, close enough that Callum’s face is all I can see. When did that happen, and how come I didn’t notice it before?
“You have a little scar on your left temple,” I remark, tracing the place on my own temple, mirroring him when Callum goes to drag his finger down it, too. I trace my left eyebrow where he’s got that thicker scar running through his own.
“There was an unfortunate accident with my brother. We were fighting for the remote. It got bloody,” he says with a grin.
“You have an old piercing scar on your right cheekbone,” Callum says, tapping his own cheek. “Was it a dermal piercing gone wrong?”
I nod slowly, holding my breath for a split second. It feels like something’s going to happen, but I don’t know if it’s one-sided or not. Callum’s green eyes track over my face, as if memorizing the exact placement of my features, as if he’s making a memory.
“Yeah, you got it in one.” And with that, I lean back, back into my own space on my side of the booth, taking deep breaths through my nose.
There’s a moment that feels a whole lot like a tipping point, the feeling of crossing over a line, moving from one place to another when I’m still seated in the booth, heart rattling in my chest like a caged bird wanting out, out, out.
Which utterly breaks to pieces when Callum’s phone buzzes on top of the surface of the table, dancing for a few seconds before Callum stirs himself out of his trance—am I the cause of the trance?—before swiping open the phone call and pressing it to his ear. “Hello?”
His eyes leap to mine, earnest and getting wider by the second. “Yes, I’m Luna’s dad,” he murmurs, hunching closer in on himself, planting on elbow on the table, pressing his phone almost painfully to the side of his head, his eyes locked to mine, like I’m the one that can anchor him to the here and now.
“All right...all right. Oh.” Callum blinks quickly, and if I didn’t know any better his eyes get wet, shining underneath the bright lights here.
“Yes, yes, I’ll be there within the hour. Okay, great, see you then, Dr. Robert.” Callum nods then ends the call.
My heart beats harder and faster, and I hold my breath waiting for his answer. “Callum?” I whisper, running a hand over my mouth, breath whistling out of my nose with how fast I’m breathing.
Callum sniffs hard and lets out an incredulous laugh as he plonks his phone on the table, making me wince for the device. “Holy shit, holy shit. She must’ve been in so much pain all this time, holy shit. I feel like such an idiot,” he murmurs, putting both his hands over his head, rubbing over it, self-soothing.
“Callum? Is Luna going to be all right?”
He sniffs again, runs his hands over his face, his face all pink from the rough contact when he looks at me dead on.
“Yeah, yeah. She’s going to need some medications, and she’ll have to wear a cast on her back leg, and special food for her sensitive stomach and skin, but yeah...shit, Izzy, she’s going to be okay. If you didn’t come when you did, I don’t even know what would have happened. She would’ve died of cold because I’m a fucking idiot. Shit, Jesus Christ.”
“Callum? Callum, do you want a hug? Would it be okay to touch you like that?” I ask, having leaned over the table so much that the edge of it presses hard into my stomach and ribs with me trying to reach over and offer some kind of comfort, but he hasn’t given me any kind of permission yet.
“Callum?” I whisper, glancing around, noticing that we’re the only ones in here, the waiter kid having run away, probably at the first sign of an emotional outburst.
“Uh,” he says, sniffing hard, and I push over a stack of napkins to him, waiting for him to mop up his face. “Uh, shit, I’m just pissed off at myself, I’ll be all right.” He looks...skittish and afraid.
“The offer of a hug is still on the table,” I say, wanting him to make the decision for himself even though my skin vibrates with the need to comfort and reassure. “If you want it. Only if you want it, okay, Callum?”
He rubs his face, wipes his cheeks, and blows his nose, and I don’t know why—I find him cute, doing that, and super endeared that he’s comfortable enough in front of me to show some kind of emotion. I mean, I’ve never ever seen my own father cry in front of me, and that Callum is so visibly upset in front of me feels kind of important.
“Maybe...maybe later. Did you want to get some breakfast so we can soak up all the caffeine we had? How about a stack of waffles?” he suggests, pulling in a deep breath so his chest bellows out and then concaves on a heavy breath. “I need to eat something or else I’m going to be a wreck for the rest of the day, sorry.”
“I’m fine,” I say, shaking my head. “Everything’s good. Yeah, sure, let’s get an early bird breakfast and then we’ll head over to the vet’s. No problem.”
“I appreciate you being here, Izzy. A whole lot. I don’t think you know what it means to me.”
“I just drove you over. I promise it’s not that big of a deal.”
Callum shakes his head, his cheeks still a little red, a lone tear tracking down his face, his smile toward me utterly heartbreaking.
“Of course it’s a big deal. Not a lot of people would have dropped everything to get me to where I needed to be, to get Luna right and healthy. To have waited for me all this time. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, and I’m going to make it up to you, you’ll see.”
I snort, uncomfortable as all hell. “That sounds ominous. Ominous.”
Callum gives me another sad smile, glancing away when I stare at him for too long. “Yeah, a little bit, huh? Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
I shake my head. “I’m not freaked out. It’s my knee-jerk response—I gotta make a joke or else I’ll die, like a shark who can’t stop swimming,” I babble. “I’ve had too much coffee,” I sigh on a shaky breath, my bones feeling like they’re vibrating underneath my skin.
“A stack of waffles drowned in maple syrup sounds like heaven. Yeah, yeah. Where’s our waiter?” I raise my hand, wave it around, and look for the kid, who moves towards me with eyes too wide like he’s forcing them open against all odds.
We place an order for even more food, and I hear the change of shift, the cook changing out in the back, and I can already hear the clanging of pots and pans, and a rundown of cleaning that’s happening, the conversation much too loud for this early morning. It’s barely six a.m., and the early birds are starting to come in. A harried-looking college kid with a long braid of hair hanging down the middle of her back takes over our table, letting us know she’ll be right back with our orders, and how about some more coffee?
We both snap a ‘no’ too quickly, then I apologize and ask for glasses of water because we need to dilute all of that caffeine we’ve ingested.
We share breakfast, and the longer we take to finish, the more fidgety Callum gets, like a puppy knowing that its owner’s getting ready to take him out for the walk of a lifetime. I excuse myself for a quick bathroom break, then slap some cold water against my face and head back out, only to find that Callum has paid for both of us already and is placing down a twenty-dollar tip for the kids who waited on us.
I gape at him as he crumples the receipt and then smooths it out to place in his pocket, smiling at me softly all the while.
My heart flutters, like movie-type fluttering, and I forget what my feet are doing, and I hope I don’t trip on the flat surface that’s separating us, even as time slows.
Shit, shit, shit.
Okay, Izzy, you gotta be cool, you gotta be cool about it.
Nobody knows about this but you—except maybe Evie when I call her to yell at her to talk me down this ledge!
Having a crush isn’t a ledge, Izzy, but they do call it a crush for a reason, don’t they?
We head out, and I blink at the dark sky, wishing the sun was out, the bright light doing something to chase away this lethargy, but I navigate in the dark, unlock my car and start it. The heating vents roar to life, and we quickly put our seat warmers on—the fastest part of the car that’ll set me to boiling sooner rather than later. There’s nothing to do but sit in silence, that cursed silence that’s starting to make me uncomfortable.
Callum clears his throat, and I turn to him, waiting for him to fill the quiet with something, anything, but I go first. “Thank you for the dinner and breakfast, and the vat of coffee I drank. You didn’t have to do that. But thanks, anyway, and we’re basically even now.”
Callum laughs, turning to thread on his seatbelt, clicking it closed. “No, we’re not even. I’ll let you know when we are.”
“Callum, I’m just driving you to the vet. I’m not looking for you to pay me back for the rest of your life.”
Callum shakes his head. “I’m not going to make you uncomfortable, and I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, either. But what you’ve done for me and Luna tonight, I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.”
“Sounds to me like no one’s ever really been that kind to you before,” I murmur, wanting to keep the words to myself, but shit, we’re in my car, and the space isn’t that big enough for the words to get eaten up by distance, so of course he hears.
Way to go, Izzy, way to make this awkward between the two of you, just when it feels like it could possibly turn into something more.
Callum stares at me for a long time, like he’s not sure he can trust me with the truth.
“Well, that’s kind of true, I guess. You don’t really realize until you’re older, until you’re not so isolated within a family that you see what everyone else’s life is like, and what that means about how you were brought up. I have a learning disability, and it made school difficult for me. Between my home life and school life, I’ve been miserable for most of my life.”
“And yet you pulled a hurting puppy out of the dumpster and tried to nurse her back to health when you’re already stretched so thin.”
“Yeah, and nearly froze her to death, and then you came along,” he says, dragging his gaze away from staring out of the window and turning to me, his eyes dark in the lack of light, practically mesmerizing me where I’m sitting.
“I started out at a...disadvantage, let’s call it that.” Callum nods to himself but doesn’t look away from me, and I know that he’s actually seeing me, and not just looking at me like I’m an object he can possess.
“I haven’t known a lot of kindness in my life, so maybe I’m overvaluing what you’re offering—a drive to the vet so I can pick up my dog and bring her back home with me. But I can’t help the way I feel, the way it does mean everything to me. I’ve never fallen in love so fast than I did with Luna, and it would seriously mess me up if something bad were to happen to her.”
“Me, too,” I murmur, nodding. “Luna...she’s special,” I say, because in a way all dogs and pets are special, but I’ve never been ensnared by nothing but a look from a dog in my entire life, as if she was meant to be mine—but she isn’t, so what does it all mean?
“So paying for your meals is honestly not that big of a deal. I wouldn’t mind doing it more often, because you saved Luna’s life. I know you did.”
I balk, snort, and squirm in my seat, fiddling with the vents, the air finally wafting warm now.
“Yeah, right. Okay. Come on, let’s get going, and then I can drive you to go buy jumper cables and give you a jump.”
“See, Izzy? Kindness. I’m not used to it.”
“Well, that makes me kind of sad,” I say, needing to push it past my tightening throat. He’s not like what I imagined him to be at all. At all. What is this, what is happening? “Everyone deserves kindness, everyone.”
“Doesn’t mean they’re going to get it, Iz,” Callum sighs.
I reach out slowly, my fingers shaking from all of the caffeine I ingested—and that’s the only reason why—until they make contact with the back of his hand.
My heart stops beating altogether in that moment between seconds when neither of us move, when time stops and we both look down at the point of contact, waiting for it to make some sort of sense to move forward.
I hold my breath, waiting for Callum to either pull away or reach for my hand, reach for the kindness I’m offering and what he deserves.
Callum’s breathing is loud in the cabin of my car, or maybe that’s my own breathing, I don’t know. I watch my fingers lose contact with the back of his hand, the crushing blow followed by elation as he brings his other hand on top of the one I reached out with, covering it, clasping it gently with reassurance on top of his thigh. I glance up to find him smiling at me softly, leaning his head back against the headrest, his throat working with a hard swallow.
“You’re not wearing a scarf,” I murmur, noticing for the first time. “How are you surviving the winter without a scarf?”
Callum shakes his head. “Is that what you want to do, Izzy? Take care of me?”
“I don’t know, it seems like a good idea right now, but that could be the coffee talking,” I say, grinning at him, letting him know it’s all a joke. “Will you let me do that for you, for the next little while?”
“What if I get used to it, what if I want more? What if I can’t take care of you?”
“I’m old enough to know what I want, Callum. I’m old enough to make my own mistakes, if that’s what you’re going to be. Come on, let’s go get Luna. We’re both sleep deprived, and we still need to figure out your car situation before either of us are going to sleep. Plus, there’s all that schoolwork we gotta do. Remind me why doing a graduate diploma was a good idea, again?”
Callum snorts but takes my hand hostage.
I let him.
