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I’m having a hard time concentrating because Callum is flustered, and I’m the root cause.
I haven’t even done anything. I haven’t pulled out my best moves, or overtly flirted in the way that I do when I’m at work, trying my best to get as many tips as possible.
Callum doesn’t really respond in the way I expect him to, but honestly has he ever responded in the way I expect him to?
He gets more and more flustered until he drops things, and then I feel bad for making him flustered, and he eventually has to pull in deep, deep breaths to calm himself.
It doesn’t take me long to figure out that Callum can’t really take a compliment. It’s easy to see with the way he always subconsciously shakes his head whenever I praise him or point something out that he’s good at.
He’s great at explaining things to me when I don’t get the concepts right off the bat, and he’s really great at taking his time to feel out the words he’s going to use to.
I find all of it enthralling.
“Do you want me to stop?” I ask, sitting at his kitchen table, pushing my books and notes around because my brain needs a break. I’m tired, the kind of tired that needs a solid twenty-four hours of sleep, and I have a sneaking suspicion that as soon as I let my body relax, I’m going to get sick. And I seriously don’t have time to get sick.
Callum glances up at me, one earbud in his ear only so I know he can hear me. “Uh,” he says and shakes his head.
“You know I mean it, right? Because I do. I mean it, Callum, whatever I say.”
Yeah, right. You’ve been called flighty your entire life and a princess. You change your mind a thousand times a day. How in hell is he going to take you as being genuine?
Luna thumps over to me underneath the table, whining for pets, and while I’m pretty sure Callum and I are spoiling her rotten, it’s hard not to whenever I look down at the cast on her leg. I lean over, nearly toppling off the chair to get her situated in my lap, the pup giving off a sigh of contentment that I wish I could bottle and turn into medication.
“I’m not used to it,” he says. “As you may have noticed.” He’s looking down at his notes instead of at me, and if that makes it easier to speak, then I’m not going to demand he look me in the eye.
“Yeah,” I say, acknowledging it out loud for the first time. “I guess I just have to keep telling you how great you are, huh?”
Callum scoffs, but his shoulders hike up to his ears, and it still boggles my tiny brain that Callum, huge, hunky Callum turns into a puddle of goo whenever I say something good to him.
A fierce longing boils in my belly to want to shower him in praise and kisses and love, because honestly, I don’t think anyone deserves it more.
“Do you want to take a break? I’m starting to get hungry,” he says, removing that lone earbud from his ear and leaning back in his chair for a big stretch. He blushes when he finds me looking at him, but honestly how could I not?
I thought I liked the idea of men in three-piece suits, looking slick and neat, but honestly I much prefer the way Callum dresses: huge clothes that cover his body that look like they’re made with the softest material.
I don’t know how this happened so fast, but here I am.
“Yeah, I could take a break. My head’s starting to hurt, staring at all of these numbers,” I say. “My poor eyeballs. And my hand kills from taking all of these notes, too.”
Callum licks his lips and grunts. I smile at him in question, and he slowly puts both of his hands out, like he’s cupping invisible water.
“If you’d give me your hand?”
I place my hand palm up in the cradle of both of his, my heart starting to pump fast and hard at the moment our skin makes contact. I chew on my inner cheek and try to take calming breaths, semi-appalled with myself that I’m this affected by a mere touch.
Who am I? And what has Callum done to me?
He gently closes his fingers over my hand, his thumbs digging into the meat of my palm, and I let out a Luna-sigh, content to stay here forever and let Callum touch me in exactly this way.
He’s massaging my writing hand, digging his fingers into my palm and working out the soreness. I keep my groan to myself, not wanting to spook him.
“How’s that feel?” he asks, finally glancing up at me with those eyes of his, the kind of eyes that light up whenever I walk into a room.
Yup, I’m totally screwed.
“Better, thanks,” I say. Callum nods, and then start manipulating my wrist, gently rolling it from side to side so that all the tension’s finally removed. I hold on to his hand when he tries to let go, and he smiles at me sheepishly.
“I’ll do you this time,” I say, and try to mimic what he did to me, but I’m pretty sure I’m bad at it. “You know, I’m used to being grabbed,” I say, concentrating on using my fingers to dispel some of the tension in his own writing hand. “I’m used to people touching me without my consent, demanding my time and attention all because I’m in charge of getting them drinks,” I say. “And the fact that you are always so careful with me means the world.”
I glance up at Callum, his blue eyes big and wide, his mouth parted on a breath.
I nod at him. “It does. A hundred percent. I want you to know that.”
“I have to watch people a lot, you know that,” he says, still letting me gently manipulate his hand.
Who knew the deadly bouncer would love having his hand held? Who knew?
“Okay, yeah, I get that,” I say, watching his cheeks go super pink.
“And by default, I watch you a lot, well, the bar.”
“I’m not mad about that, Callum. It’s literally your job, right? To keep everyone safe? Trust me, I know how nutso people get when you don’t get their drink to them on time, or to their specifications.”
He sighs. “I watch you a lot because you’re a distraction.”
I grin at him. “Yeah?”
“Come on, Izzy. I shouldn’t be as distracted by you, now that I’ve gotten to know you. And yet...”
“And yet?”
He stammers an apology and shakes his head. “You hate being watched, you hate the men that come in there and demand something that you can’t give.”
“Callum...”
“No, let me finish. Because you think I’m this wonderful human being, but I’m honestly just as captivated by you as the next asshole who walks in and demands a shitty beer from you.” He sighs. “Izzy, what the hell are we doing here? We’re getting to know each other, and I don’t want you to know certain things about me.”
“Same here,” I say. “Wait, do you have a criminal background that I should know about?”
Callum shakes his head. “I’m not going to be the best at this, at treating you right. I’m broken, Izzy.”
I give his hand a squeeze. “Cal, look at me a sec, would you? Thank you. So, like, you feel crummy about watching me when it’s your literal job, right? So what’s that say about me, huh, watching you whenever we’re alone together? Do I make you feel uncomfortable? Because I never want to do that. Ever.”
“Izzy...”
“Well, tell me, okay? I can take it.” I lick my lips and Callum just stares at me.
“You don’t make me uncomfortable. It’s the complete opposite. I can relax with you.”
I smile brightly at him, my chest bursting with all the affection I want to dote on him.
Aren’t we moving too fast, like we always do? Searching for something we never find?
“Honesty?”
Callum nods, and flips his hand over in my grip, so I can hold it properly now. “Yeah. Conversation isn’t one of my strong suits, and you make it easy to talk.”
“Ah, that’s part of barmaid charm,” I say. Now I’m the one who’s embarrassed. “I’ll be gentle with you, Callum, I promise.”
He blinks at me slowly, like you would waking up from a really good dream. “I had a girl once,” he says, “who made me feel stupid because of my learning difficulties. I couldn’t go to med school like I wanted because I tanked too many classes in undergrad. I had to learn my limitations fast and find out what worked for me because no one else was willing to help.”
Callum squeezes down on my hand like he’s afraid I’m going to let him go.
Absolutely not. I want to see where this goes! It finally feels like I’m taking the right kind of chance without it blowing up in my face.
“Everyone has parts to themselves they don’t want to show, but hell, Callum, I want to find out, I want to know you.”
Callum nods, his eyes dipping down to where we’ve clasped hands. His throat bobs on a nervous swallow, and he keeps nodding to himself like he’s having an internal monologue. “I don’t know how to do this, to be with someone like you. You’re so open and brave.”
I snort because those aren’t the words in the history of the English vocabulary that I would use to describe myself, like ever. And yet...he’s giving me those words like they aren’t as precious to me as they are.
I have so many questions, but now’s not the time to ask them. He’s already given me so much, and his stomach rumbles with hunger loud enough that Luna barks at the noise, tilting her head in canine confusion.
“Yeah, food,” Callum says, knocking his free hand on the table. “Let me take care of that.”
“It’s my turn, actually, remember?”
“Izzy, come on, we talked about this.”
“We totally didn’t though,” I say, refusing to let go of his other hand. It’s so nice and warm, especially since my fingers are so icy. “I’m here practically all the time.”
His lips quirk at the corners until he’s giving me a full-blown smile. I’m pretty sure I’m smiling back like a total idiot, but it doesn’t even matter. “A couple of times a week isn’t all the time.”
“You do know we see each other every single day? Hell, I see you more than I see my own family,” I say, watching Callum like a hawk as he tries to fish his phone out of his pocket to bring up the app we’re going to order food from. “Callum, let me buy us supper. And then we can take a break and watch something on Netflix.”
Callum raises his eyebrows at me. “Sure, if you want, but I’m still getting us some food. What do you feel like?”
I could get used to him letting me have my way all the time. It’s a dangerous place to be.
“What a loaded question,” I say, watching him stare at me in surprise. “Are you a sushi person?”
Those hulking shoulders of his migrate up toward his ears, and I might just pass out here and now with how cute it all is. Luna lets out a whine from my lap, and I glance down at her, her tail wagging at supersonic speed.
“Your daughter wants attention,” I say, using my free hand to give her pets on the head and behind her ears.
“Yeah, I need to take her for a W-A-L-K. But let me order us something first.”
“I should be the one ordering, though.”
“Izzy, I’m never going to get to pay you back. Please let me do this.”
I shake my head, point down to Luna in my lap, and raise our clasped hands. “This is more than enough. I’m getting overpaid, actually, being with the two of you like this.” I laugh, thinking about the fights I’ve been having at home with my sister, or the way my parents want to kick me out of the house so I will stand on my own two feet.
I can see the future spiralling out in front of me where I finally hit those milestones you’re supposed to hit when you’re younger, and I become less of a placeholder for the ‘problem child’ as compared to my golden sister, Max.
“I don’t know how this is enough,” he says, shaking his head in disbelief.
I tilt my head at him and sweep a hand through my hair to get the longer bangs out of my face. “If I make you relax, then this is a place to rest for me, too, okay?”
Callum’s eyes go bright and wide as he looks at me, a small smile spreading across his mouth until it’s blinding enough to rival the stars. Wow.
“I still don’t know what you want to eat, though,” he says on a laugh that begs me to join in. Luna demands to be part of the festivities and starts leaning up on my chest to lick all over my face and ears.
Callum orders us burgers and a side of steamed vegetables ‘because we need to eat healthy, Iz, or our brains won’t work right.’ We take Luna for a walk while we wait for the food to be delivered, and the pup has been getting used to her cast day by day until she’s an old pro at it now.
We hold hands the entire time, and I pepper Callum with a thousand questions, like I do every single time we take Luna out.
It could be anything—his favorite memory as a kid, what was his favorite candy growing up, his favorite car that he always wanted —a lot of favorites that spark more and more questions until we’re trading answers back and forth.
I learn a lot in my roundabout way that Callum was made to feel small and worthless just by his answers alone. I don’t think he even knows how much he’s divulged to me.
“I used to sit up at night and hide under the covers. It’s stupid, huh, how we think a blanket is going to save us from evil?” he answers, responding to my question about childhood phobias.
My heart gallops in my chest as his words ring around in my head, hitting me from different angles.
“I was scared of the dark for a long time, and it inconvenienced my parents, so it was a punishment. Some kids got stuck in corners for timeout, I got stuck in a closet with a broken light bulb.”
I gulp his misery down and try to figure out a way to turn this around.
Callum doesn’t really talk about his past, and I can see now for good reason.
I have no idea what to say to him now, but I know he doesn’t expect me to move closer to him so that I’m up in his space, telegraphing every single movement and waiting for a ‘no’ that never comes.
“Okay?” I ask when I wind my arms around his neck, and Callum sighs hard and fast like he was holding his breath, waiting for me to reprimand or condemn him. “So what you’re telling me is that you have a cool night light in your bedroom?”
Callum’s mouth kicks up on just the one side, and honestly, that just won’t do.
“How do you do that? Just take a situation from a ten down to a zero like it’s nothing?”
I snort. “Callum, you’ve never met my family. The Prewitts are intense. There’s so much yelling.”
“Maybe I’ll get to find out one day,” he says, shying away from looking at me in the eye.
God, who made him feel so small that he can’t even look at me? I’d love to sling a bottle of gin at their heads. I can’t help it, though, that he’s thinking about meeting my family. He’d be the first one I’d bring home as a serious boyfriend.
My mom will be going on and on about wedding bells soon enough.
And the thought isn’t as terrifying as it should be.
I can admit to myself that I want what my cousins have, what my sister seems to be developing with Logan, and I can admit to myself that I want it with Callum (and Luna). We’d make one hell of a family, I think.
“I would like that, as soon as hell week is over with all these assignments and midterms coming up. Honestly, I don’t remember how I survived undergrad. Granted I wasn’t working fifty hours a week, but still, Callum, it makes me feel old.”
Callum laughs and presses a kiss to my cheek, and it surprises the both of us.
“Huh,” I say, and Callum squirms in my arms like he’s trying to get away, but he stays in place. “Look at that.” I laugh when his cheeks turn red.
“I should’ve asked you if that was okay. Really, I don’t know where my head’s at sometimes.”
“It’s okay to admit you were blinded by my smile. I won’t judge.” I grin at him and have a fleeting thought that he may be unsure of me because I act like this when I work. I turn my flirtatious side ‘on’ when it shouldn’t matter, when I’m trying to convince Callum that I’m genuine.
“What? What’s wrong? Should I not have kissed you in that way?”
I bring an arm down from behind his neck and start counting off on my fingers. “For one, cheek kisses are awesome, only to be trumped by forehead kisses,” I say. “Plus, as long as you want to kiss me, except when I explicitly say so, then kisses are fair game. What about you?”
“What about me?” he asks, shaking his head.
“Callum, the same goes for you. I want to make sure that you want me close a hundred percent of the time. We’re old enough now to know that certain behaviors may be a big ‘no,’ and I’m okay with that. If touching you in a certain way is going to bother you and upset you, then I want to know. Not for nefarious purposes,” I’m quick to add, and Callum shakes his head, like he wasn’t going there, either.
“But like, I totally plan to sway you with my charms and cute smile, anyway, so going about it by nefarious means feels a little redundant. Not to mention exhausting. I’m a full-time student, and I work full-time; I don’t have time or the energy to manipulate you.”
I nod to myself, hoping I’ve cleared the air enough.
Callum laughs, winding his arms tighter around me before freezing.
“Nope, it’s good. I’m happy to be here,” I say, patting along his hulking shoulder and wondering what it’s made out of. It’s disconcerting to know that his baggy clothing hides all of his strength and mass, and it makes me a giggly kind of nervous.
Guys that looked like Callum were never really my type, and I guess I didn’t really know what I was looking for until he sort of fell into my lap with a puppy in his arms.
Imagine that.
He gingerly hugs me close until his arms are like a steel band around my waist and he’s hauling me up so my feet dangle off the floor. Shit, I knew he was strong, but he’s strong.
His door buzzes, and he reluctantly lets go of me, Luna moving in between my legs for demands of her own affection. Callum stoops down and lifts her in his arms, heading toward the front door after buzzing the delivery guy inside.
I set the table after getting directions of where everything is, and we spread out the food between us, Luna occupied with her own dinner, and start going to town on our meals.
I already knew that Callum was a pristine eater, and that maybe that could have been a product of how he was raised. I don’t know much about victims of childhood abuse, and I don’t want to probe a sore spot until Callum trusts me enough to let me in.
I know I just have to be patient, and to make him smile and laugh as often as I can. I have to let him know that he never has to repay me for my act of kindness, and that he deserves kindness more than any person I’ve ever met.
I keep a mental tally of the days left in January, and how many more times we’re going to be seeing each other and studying together like this.
I don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day or that a single day should be used to guilt you into buying shit for your partner.
All the manufactured holiday is doing is allowing me an opportunity to indulge Callum (and Luna) with gifts and kindness.
Because I’m pretty sure Callum hasn’t had enough of that in his life, and I want to go about changing that. Soon.
