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This could backfire, it totally could, with the way Callum always seems to keep himself apart.
Do I care? Not really.
Then again, my heart’s beating hard enough that it’s like I sprinted up too many flights of stairs, and I’m struggling to catch my breath. My palms are clammy around the presents that I bought Callum and Luna, my hands a little slippery around the handles of the bags I’m carrying. My toes are icy in my boots, and my breath rattles in my lungs, but shit, I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna. I just need to convince my body that this is the way to go.
Callum deserves this.
I’ve been on the receiving end of many a Valentine’s Day gift—usually as a placating booty call gesture that was nothing more than chocolates, but hey, they were chocolates. This is different, very different, if the invisible fist around my heart is any indication.
I’ve never given a Valentine’s Day gift to a man before, have always been on the receiving end, or to my sister, cousins, parents. This is different.
I knock on Callum’s front door and hold my breath, getting dizzy for a second before the door is swung open and Callum is there, dressed like he’s been invited to a cuddle party and he aims to please. He’s wearing gray sweatpants and a huge sweater that’s been rolled up his forearms, his feet bare. I’m dressed casually too, not trying to push my luck, and honestly, I just wanted to be comfortable.
Except Callum isn’t looking at me, he’s looking at the bouquet of flowers in my grip, staring down at them with his mouth open. His gaze flickers between my face and the flowers before he shakes himself out of his trance and steps backwards into his apartment, Luna giving an excited yip as I step inside and start toeing off my boots.
“Izzy...Izzy, what?” Callum stutters, reaching his hands out, and I hand him the paper bag of presents I have for my new two favorite people—well, Luna still counts as my favorite, even if she isn’t a person. “What is all this?”
“Ah, I see, you forgot what day it is,” I say, nodding to myself, heart wanting to make a evacuation run right up my throat. It’s fine, totally fine. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Callum.”
“Valentine’s Day?” he questions, tilting his head at me, just as Luna does the same thing, her tongue lolling out and tail wagging hard and fast so her furry butt shakes and wiggles. “Valentine’s Day? It’s not actually Valentine’s Day, though.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m like a couple of days late because we were working, and we’re off today and tomorrow, so I decided to celebrate today. So Happy Valentine’s Day, Callum Johnston. Here’s some of my heart,” I say, grinning, trying to make a joke about it, but Callum’s still looking utterly and adorably confused. “Callum? Are you all right?’
“Uh, no, not really. I’m confused,” he says, walking backwards, and I walk forward for every step he takes back, following him into the kitchen. Luna hobbles after the both of us, breathing a little hard like she’s expecting this all to be some kind of wonderful game.
Well, I just hope it doesn’t end in tears.
“Why are you confused? Callum? It kind of feels like you’re a laptop that’s stuck in the shutting down process. Tell me what’s wrong. Did I do something wrong?”
I bring over my bouquet of flowers and round the kitchen counter so that we’re standing on the same side, looking at each other. Callum’s eyes are big and wide, and his face is completely lost. “Sweetheart, won’t you tell me what I did wrong?”
Callum blinks, and I can tell his eyes are wet. “I...I...I don’t know. I’m confused, so very confused.”
“Okay, um...is there something I can do make you not so confused? Hey, can I get you a glass of water? My dad has this idea that a glass of water cures everything, which is stupid, but now I think a glass of water remedies every little problem I have in my life, so, we’re gonna try it for you, too. Here,” I say, placing the flowers on the counter still wrapped and ready to be opened like the present they are.
I walk slowly around him, moving to the cupboard where the glasses are, and take a couple down, heading to the sink to pour us some water.
I do the hand-over and settle his glass of water right in front of him, where Callum is still looking down at the flowers, trying to make sense of them. “I don’t understand,” he says, looking at me. “Izzy, why would you get me flowers?”
“Because I like you, and I think you’re pretty great, and I think giving flowers to someone you care about is a nice thing to do, Callum. Aren’t they pretty? I thought they would look good here, and I was hoping if you displayed them, that you would think of me every single time you looked at them.” This might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but Callum needs to hear the words. What’s the big deal if I get rejected? What does it matter?
“I just...I never got flowers before, from anyone, let alone you, and I’m having a hard time with it.”
“Why?”
Callum shrugs, reaching out gently to rub his fingers over the flower petals, his hands shaking just a little. I want to squeeze him in a hug, but I’m afraid to right now. “I don’t know. You’re being kind to me again, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.” Callum turns his face towards me, and his eyes are shining bright with unshed tears. “Where have you been all this time, Izzy? How come you’re only here now?”
My heart cracks, and I mash my lips together so my chin doesn’t start to wobble. I need to make this stick, and it’s not gonna stick if I burst into tears.
“I don’t know what you mean, Callum, I really don’t.” I don’t want to push it, I don’t want to make this worse, but Callum needs to tell me, too, that he’s right here with me. “I’m here now, though. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Can I hug you, Izzy?” he asks, turning his body toward me, and standing close as we are, he could swoop me up and crush me into a hug that I would reciprocate, but here he is, being careful with me when I don’t think anyone’s been careful with him his entire life.
I nod enthusiastically, smiling at him even though my throat flares with pain and my nose tingles with oncoming tears, my arms spreading out wide. Callum gathers me close, his arms banding around my ribs tightly so it’s just a little hard to breathe, but I don’t mind giving this to him, I don’t mind doing this for him.
“Thank you for the flowers, thank you, Izzy,” he murmurs over the top of my head, and I feel Luna spring up on her hind legs—which she shouldn’t be doing, honestly—because she wants to get in on the cuddles, too. “Thank you for making my day.”
I rub my hands up and down his back in soothing circles, trying to calm him down, trying to soothe him. “Callum, Callum, you didn’t even see the rest of your presents yet.”
“I don’t care about any of that. Not that I don’t care, but shit, Izzy, I don’t think I can survive if you give me any more presents.”
“No one’s ever doted on you, huh? Well, sign me up to do the job. I’m ready,” I say, wishing I could salute him, but Callum isn’t done with our hug yet. He even squeezes me closer, and he kisses my forehead and just lingers there, shivering in my grip. “I didn’t mean to make you upset. I wanted you to feel good, I wanted to make you happy.”
“You know the first time I saw you—” he says, and I try to lean back to see his face, but again, Callum isn’t done with our hug yet. “I understood why so many people are attracted to you, why so many people can’t seem to look away. Do you even know how bright you are, Izzy? How much you shine? I heard your laugh for the first time, so loud and unapologetic and I thought to myself That is a person who is happy; I want to laugh like that, too.”
“Ah, shit, you’re gonna make me lose control of my tear ducts, Callum. Shit, shit,” I sniff, squeezing him tighter to me, as if we’re both going to fall apart if we let go, even for a second. “You laugh like that, too, though. You have a great laugh that makes everyone around you laugh.”
“Are you sure you want to do this with me?” he asks, the words sounding like they’ve been ripped out of him.
“We’re all a little broken, Callum, all of us. Let’s try, at least. Let’s try. Okay? Can you do that for me? I’m not some monster, I’m not going to make you do things you don’t want to do. We go at your pace. All I really need is a few hugs every day and I’m good to go.”
“Only hugs?”
I rock us a little side to side. “Well, kisses would be nice, too, but we’ll figure that out as we go, huh?”
“Yeah, yeah. You make me so nervous I feel like I’ve swallowed a thousand butterflies.” Callum laughs and presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“Let me show you what else I got you,” I say, unwinding my arms from his waist and waiting for him to let me go, increment by increment.
“Here, these are for Miss Luna,” I say, pulling out a chew toy where you can shove a tablespoon of peanut butter in and apparently the pup will be occupied for hours trying to get every single drop; there’s a tennis ball with ropes attached to it for a playful game of tug-of-war, and finally a squeaky chew toy in the shape of a chicken drumstick that I think Callum will get a kick out of whenever he sees it in Luna’s mouth.
I drop the toys to the ground, waiting for Luna to make her decision. She attacks the tennis ball first, grabbing on to the rope and twisting her head from side to side, like something a wolf might do when it finally catches its prey. Scary stuff, but kinda cute on a tiny husky-mix that is growing steadily with a proper diet.
“And these are for you,” I say, pulling out the heart-shaped box of chocolates, and then the carton of rocky road ice cream, Callum’s favorite. I’ve added other things in the bag that I’ve learned about him—a Blu-ray disc of Space Jam because he lost his during his latest move to this apartment; I’ve added his favorite book that has fallen to pieces in the 50-year edition with notes from the author, a scented candle that smells like fresh laundry because it’s one of his favorite scents, and finally a few sheet masks so he can pamper his skin and himself when he wants.
It’s nothing major—I haven’t laid down big bucks on a sexy watch, or a suit, or a fancy pair of shoes, but Callum’s acting like I put down a couple of grand on his Valentine’s Day presents and it’s sweet, although it makes me a little sad. I wonder if he ever got a birthday present growing up, if they were passive-aggressive gifts that highlighted his learning disability or made him feel inferior in some way.
“They’re nothing big, just a couple of small things,” I murmur as Callum places all his presents on the countertop, spreading them out that even I think they’re inadequate, just sitting there, looking like that. “I also bought you the audiobook for this book,” I say, tapping the hardback with my finger. “I have the download code for you, and I’ll send it to your email right now, if you want to read the book that way. I just wanted you to have this physical copy—”
“Izzy,” he groans, turning to me, raising his hands up slowly so either one is on my cheeks. “Can I kiss you, please? Please can I kiss you? I’ll die if I don’t kiss you right now, at this moment, please—”
I’m the one that initiates, pressing our lips together, and at first touch Callum groans against my mouth, desperate. He does nothing to make me feel uncomfortable, doesn’t push for more than I can give, so I tentatively heat up the kiss, and Callum’s the one that falls under my spell.
Hours could pass, getting lost in each other in this way, my hands running into his close-cropped hair, feeling him shiver in my hold.
Luna whines, and I get a paw raked down my leg and startle, laughing a little when I look down at Luna, her tail wagging, glancing between the both of us.
“I think your daughter wants kisses, too,” I say, my voice breathy as I pant against his lips, and Callum takes the opportunity to kiss me again, wrapping his arms around me now and lifting me clear off the floor and making me squeal in surprise and laugh against his lips. “Callum, Callum, don’t hurt yourself,” I say, kissing him between words.
Callum settles me down onto the kitchen counter, being mindful of all his presents and his flowers, my hand settling on his shoulders as he looks up at me like I’m the princess my entire family has always made me out to be. “You’re crazy for bringing me all of this, on Valentine’s day no less.”
“I want you to have a good day, today. I want you to know that I care about you, and I think you’re pretty great.”
Callum ducks his head, shy all of a sudden, and I carefully touch his head and place a kiss to the top of it. Callum lifts his head carefully when I’m done, as if making sure I’m completely clear of the danger zone. “Izzy, what the hell? How am I ever going to repay you for all of this?”
I shrug. “It’s not about repaying...it’s about giving and taking, but making sure that it’s even, I think,” I say, thinking about my own parents, where it feels like it went right, and where it went wrong.
I blink at Callum, smile at him while he stares at me as if I’m the one with all the magic in the room, as if I’ve put him under some kind of thrall.
“Happy Valentine’s Day,” I say, pressing another kiss to his mouth.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Izzy. It’s perfect, everything you got me is perfect. But I don’t have anything for you, and that makes me feel like shit.”
I shrug. “Yeah, but I get cuddle time with both you and Luna, so like, who’s the real winner here? And sweetheart,” I say, because Callum might be the sweetest person I have ever met, “there’s some smoke coming out of the oven.”
“Ah fuck, fuck,” he groans, whirling to the oven and opening it, a billow of gray smoke coming out of it in tendrils that sets off the smoke alarm in his kitchen. I take off my zippered hoodie and start waving it over the smoke alarm so it stops ringing shrilly, scaring the crap out of Luna, who keeps barking long after the beeping stops. Callum made us something that looks like shepherd’s pie that’s gone all black on the surface, smoking as he settles it on the stove top, his bright red oven mitts making him look even cuter.
“We can order food,” I hedge, but Callum’s shoulders are slumped, and he keeps looking at the charred shepherd’s pie as if he can raise it from the dead and make it edible again. The kitchen stinks with the scent of charred mashed potatoes, and I move over to comfort Luna from the loud sound that must’ve been a hundred times louder for her sensitive ears.
“Pizza is always a good idea, huh?” I say, tucking Luna close to my chest, being mindful of her cast. I get a few excited licks for my trouble, but her breathing is still kind of fast, so I think she’s still a little spooked.
“Hey,” I call, and Callum looks toward me, tearing off his oven mitts as he stalks over to me and drops himself into my hug.
“You got me some awesome gifts, and I ruined dinner.”
“Well, that’s okay. We can eat whatever. I’m sure it’s delicious but just not in its current state, yeah?” Callum hums in assent, and it’s all I need. “Pizza for tonight and then we can have some of that ice cream I brought over.”
“Yeah, yeah, okay.” He places a kiss to my cheek and walks backwards trying to look for his phone, locating it next to his flowers and doing his thing on a food-ordering app. “Hey, Iz? I don’t know how to take care of these flowers. What am I supposed to do?” he asks, placing his phone carefully on the kitchen counter.
“Sweetheart,” I say, watching as Callum’s cheeks catch fire with a blush and he grins at me sheepishly.
“Never mind, I’ll look it up.” He picks up his phone again, his thumbs a blur over the screen. “Oh, okay. I’ve got to cut the stems first. All right, I can do that. I can do that. Oh, man, these flowers are only gonna last me a week? Only a week? Shit.”
“I can buy you flowers every single week if you want,” I offer, and Callum looks like he might die at the prospect of me bringing him a bouquet every time we meet up for studying and cuddles and now kisses.
Callum shakes his head, sighs, and then goes back to figuring out how to display his first bouquet of flowers from yours truly. Luna licks at my cheek again, demanding some attention, and I coo at her and kiss the top of her head, frowning when I leave behind some traces of lipstick.
I watch Callum, too, being delicate and careful with the flowers, as if he’s almost afraid his touch will make them disintegrate in front of his very eyes. When he’s done, he lifts the vase and shows them to me, grinning wide and looking so, so happy that it’s a wonder it took me this long to get here.
Shit, I’m falling in love with him.
Shit, I’m already halfway there.
