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I’ll leave you alone now.
Callum’s message resounds in my head like a gong, and I feel more than see somebody take my phone out of my lap. Someone hisses, and then I’m being coddled, and it just feels sad and good all at the same time.
“How can he just do that, how can he just turn it all off?” I sniff, swiping at my cheeks feeling my cheeks sting from all the constant mopping of my face.
“Well, hold on. This doesn’t really mean anything,” Amber says, her voice floating to me as I close my eyes to blow my nose hard enough that I feel something twinge inside my nostrils. “It really doesn’t. He’s putting the ball in your court. He’s leaving the choice up to you, Izzy.”
“Yeah, but why? Why is he doing this to me?”
Amber clears her throat, and I turn to Max, who’s glaring at our eldest cousin like she’s going to say something we all don’t want to hear.
“It’s just... tell me more about him, about this guy, Callum. Because someone who doesn’t care about you doesn’t really act like this,” Amber says, holding on to my phone and waving it around for emphasis. If she drops it, I’m going to drop her.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Amber? Can’t you just let me be miserable and drown myself in sushi and beer?” I say, waving my own arms around.
“Of course we can let you do that. I’m just giving my two cents is all.”
“Look, some of us can’t be perfect like you and Brody, or hell, you and Michael, Vick. I haven’t even met Max’s guy and I know she’s besotted. Maybe some of us don’t get to have a chance at that, all right? And he clearly wants me to leave him alone, so screw this. Somebody better start putting sushi onto my plate and mixing wasabi in my soy sauce so I have a real reason to cry. Please. Anybody, somebody.”
Max does it, grabbing ten pieces at random from one of the giant trays that Amber bought for supper, and Evie gets to work on doctoring my soy sauce so that I can really feel the pain in my nostrils when I start eating, so I can have a real reason for tears instead of crying over Callum.
We (kinda) watch all the movies in the Jurassic Park franchise, harkening back to our childhood and then speeding forward into adulthood and Chris Pratt looking mighty fine.
“I, too, want a pet velociraptor,” I say to the room at large, too full from all the food, hitting my sushi loaf stride so that all I really want is someone to roll me over, wrap me in a blanket, and let me fall asleep for the next two years.
I’m lucky that only Amber and Evie have left earlier on in the night since they have to get up early for work, and Vick and Max make their own hours, so they decided to keep me company while everything feels like it’s gone to shit.
“She’s not tame, Izzy,” Max says around a yawn, and when Vick slumps over on top of my sister, Max lets out a whine. We all ate too much, trying to keep up with Vick and her enhanced physique now (something called bulking, I think, but I wasn’t really listening), but we all failed. Except Vick is also exhausted from all of the food she’s eaten, too, and we’re all out of it.
I blink at the TV more often than not, my heart still aching in my chest, but I’m numb to it now.
“Are we really not going to talk about this?” Max asks, and Vick hums, turning over onto her side, head in her palm, looking up at me in a silent question.
“Talk about what? It’s over. Callum doesn’t want me. Do I have to say it out loud as a confirmation? Does that make everyone feel better about it, except for me? Well, there you go. He doesn’t want me. I’m not going to go crawling back when he doesn’t want me. I’ve done that too many times in my life, waiting for someone to love me like I need them to, and then getting burned in the end, countless of times.” I hold up my hand and start ticking off my flaws.
“I’ve got a job that’s usually reserved for kids straight out of school, I work at a club and not a serious office job surrounded by cubicles and depressing beige walls; I hardly eat any vegetables and I’m starting to gain weight which is only making me feel worse about myself; I still live at home, like a loser; and I haven’t achieved any of the adult milestones yet, and I’m three years shy of being thirty.”
Vick sighs, good and long, then sits up properly so she’s partially blocking the TV. If I say something, I’m pretty sure I’m going to get decked, and I don’t want to move to reciprocate so I’m going to keep my silence and just pretend like I know what’s going on in the movie plot.
Right, because you watch Jurassic World for the plot. You watch because you root for the dinosaurs, that’s why.
True.
“Okay, well, if we’re going to go over our flaws, I want in, too,” Vick says, slapping the ground with her hand, as if we’re in some kind of wrestling match and she’s ending it by doing the countdown. “Come on, Izzy, at least seventy-five percent of that stuff doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t, you know it doesn’t, you’re just hurting right now. You guys had your first fight, it doesn’t mean it’s the apocalypse, it’s not the end of the world.”
I shake my head. “Then why does it feel like it is? Why does it feel like I blew my one shot at love?”
“That’s not true, you know that’s not true. And you know all those ‘flaws’ you were talking about? A lot of people feel like that, all the time. We all feel a little disappointed with ourselves, how we wish we could be better,” my sister says. I turn to her, and she’s blurry from all of the tears welling in my eyes.
How can there possibly be any tears left? How?
“This is not a zero-sum game, kiddo,” Max says, ruffling my hair, moving around the forty braids or so that she plaited a while ago during one of the movies. “It’s not that you only get one shot at love. You get many shots, if you’re willing to take them.”
“I don’t know, it always seems like I’m the one taking them. That I’m always the one putting my foot out first, taking that first step. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of putting myself out there only to get burned.”
“Izzy, you’ve never been in a serious relationship before,” Max says gently. “And while I know that was a conscious decision on your part, to keep things casual and basically running away from your feelings—let me finish, let me finish. You never gave yourself a shot at something more, and now that it’s here...you’re scared.”
I huff. “You’re supposed to be making me feel better, not worse,” I groan, knuckling under my aching eyes as more tears fall. “I really like him, like a lot. And I think it could even be love.” I admit it, finally, out loud to someone other than myself (or Evie).
“Yeah, kiddo?” Max asks gently, and it makes me cry all the harder at her kindness to me. It’s like she was never pissed off at me in the first place and ditched me in the labyrinthine store that is IKEA. “You think so?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what that feels like.” I’m doubting myself still. Everything hurts, and nothing feels like it’s ever going to get better.
“It means you care about Callum, and that you want to make him happy. You’re invested in his well-being, and you want to take care of him,” Vick supplies.
“I thought it was just kissing and snuggling most of the time. Sex more often than not.”
Vick shrugs. “Sure, it can be, but it doesn’t have to be. Everybody’s different, and as long as you’re on the same page about those needs, then I think everything will turn out okay.” Vick runs a hand through her teal-blue hair, and I’m wondering myself what it would feel like to have fun hair again, to build a better version of myself that Callum might want.
But how many times have I tried to fit into the mold of what a guy wants from me, instead of it being the other way around, instead of him doing the changing for me?
I’m probably being stubborn, but the fight I had with Callum happened earlier today—well, yesterday now with all of the time spent throwing my own pity party. It’s still fresh, still new, and I’m still raw about it.
“Love sucks,” I murmur, just because I’m feeling a little petulant and a whole lot sad.
“Excuse me, the song does not say ‘love sucks,’ but I’ll give you a pass for that one,” Max says, undoing all the braids in my hair, one by one. She’s being so nice to me and playing with my hair that it’s like being on a one-way ticket ride straight into dreamland.
“I’m tired,” I yawn. “I just want today to be over.”
“It can be, if you want to go to sleep,” Max says, and Vick stands up quick like lightning and starts doing a few stretches, things popping in her body that make me vaguely nauseous. “I can stay here, in your bedroom if you want. I have something to ask you, anyway.”
Vick takes her time leaving, pilfering a whole tray of sushi for herself because she’s trying to get Michael into it.
“Guys, it was really nice not talking about my impending wedding for once. I feel like that’s all I talk about. Izzy, you’re going to be fine, whatever happens, one way or the other.” Vick kisses my forehead even though I’m a little bit taller than her now, not like when we were little kids and the older cousins always seemed to tower over Evie and me. “Let me know how it goes, all right?”
The house is still and quiet, Mom and Dad sleeping over at a friend’s house because my dad drank a little too much, and my mom has never been comfortable driving at night, so Max and I have the house all to ourselves.
We move off in different directions, making sure all the doors and first-floor windows are locked, setting the alarm for the night before we both head upstairs. I’m able to fish a brand-new toothbrush for Max to use in my bathroom, and then go about finding her another pair of sweats and a comfy shirt to sleep in as pajamas. Max has larger hips than I do and hence is a size bigger than me, so I’m hoping the oversized sweatpants (on me) fit her comfortably.
We brush our teeth, Max pilfers some of my skincare because sharing is apparently caring, and then we both brush our hair out before bed, faces still a little sticky before getting underneath my covers in the dark, my phone battery at fifty percent, Max hogging the phone charger since she’s going to need to be at fully charged rather than me.
I don’t have to go in to work until the early evening tomorrow night, working at the bar and on the floor during supper time, and I wonder how it’s going to feel to see Callum there, like I always have without giving him a shoulder bump and a kiss on the cheek.
“I’m going to see him tomorrow, you know. We do work together, not in an official capacity, but he’s going to be there, and I’m going to have to see him, and it’s going to suck really, really bad.” I sigh and stuff my face in my pillow to attempt to suffocate myself. Max lets me until I have to pull back for a real, deep breath.
“I know, I know it will.”
“So what am I supposed to do about it?” I hiss. “I need directions, a manual, a standard operating procedure, something.”
Max laughs, and I want to pelt her with my pillow, but I sort of want her to stay with me tonight, and hurting her (even if she deserves it for mocking me) is not the way to go about it. “I know, I know, but you kind of have to go with the flow.”
“I hate the flow, it’s the worst.”
Max snorts, but I can tell she’s not really into it.
“How are you doing, Max? You’re...you’re not yourself.”
Max pulls the blanket higher up on my neck so I’m covered from throat to toes. She even hikes it up that much higher, covering my ears because that’s the way I like to sleep. It’s my safety blanket—if my ears are covered, demons and ghosts can’t whisper to me throughout the night and make me have nightmares. See? Perfectly logical.
“I’m a little sad. Logan’s having a hard time, but I think...I think he’s the one for me,” she sighs. “But his mom just passed away, and I’m trying to give him some time. He’s crazy about me, and we might even make plans to buy a place together. Which brings me to what I wanted to ask you. Do you want to move into my old place? Because you can have it, you know. I know your plans fell through with the other place you wanted. It helps me keep it as an investment, and you can pay me rent to cover the mortgage cost, condo fees, and the internet. You think that would work out for you?”
“Holy shit, are you kidding me right now? Really? Your place is going to be my place? Max, you would do that for me, even if I’ve been a shit, pumping Mom and Dad for cash?”
“I’m sorry about all that, and I’ll keep saying sorry. I was an asshole, okay? I took it out on you. You’re just doing your best, like we all are, and I should have seen that. I was angrier at Mom and Dad more than anything else, and I wanted them to be pissed off at me, and I took it all out on you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
I sniff again and stuff my face in my pillow, the material getting wet with my tears. I come up for air like a drowning man breaching the surface of the ocean and suck back oxygen with everything I have, flopping onto my back as the tears run down the sides of my temples and into my ears. “I hate it when we fight, I really do.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“Is this a pity condo? Am I getting a pity condo?”
“Hey, this time, you’ll be the one helping me out. We can draw up a contract and everything, and you’ll have to pay me for all the shit at cost. I get to keep the condo for as long as you decide to live there.”
“It’s got two bedrooms,” I murmur, thinking back to Callum’s one bedroom apartment and how much I would love to see him in my own proper space, Luna bouncing off the walls in Max’s condo when it finally becomes mine. “Sold. When can I move in?”
“I need a couple of weeks, maybe three. It’s going to take me a solid week to store up my makeup collection.”
“I’ll come over and help. It’ll take my mind off of all of this. I can spend the day studying for my finals at your place, too, in between helping you pack. Please, let me do something. Please?”
Max sighs, and I know I’ve got her. “Yeah, okay. That’ll be great. I still have my Christmas tree up, believe it or not.”
“Yeah? Max, that’s the first thing that’s gotta go. Or are you going to take it with you?”
“I’ll have to ask Logan about that, so we’ll see. I’m glad you’re going to lease it from me. It would make me sad saying goodbye to that place forever. A lot of stuff happened there, and I’ve gotten attached.”
I nod slowly, swiping at my cheeks again, all tacky from tears that are drying up. “I don’t think I’m going to miss this place at all. I’m anxious for my next step. Like, I want to start going through my giant checklist of things that I want to buy for the condo, and I’ll have to have stuff delivered, and then there’s a whole bunch of decorating to do to Izzify the place...”
Max shushes me, patting my head as if I’m Luna. “It’s time to sleep now. There will be time for organizing later. You’re talking to the Queen of Lists; I’ll help you out.”
“You know, Max, you made me feel a lot better. Thanks for being here.”
“Thanks for letting me be here. I know I can be a bitch sometimes, okay, well most of the time, but I really have no patience for assholes, or people who like to make passive-aggressive comments on my makeup, hair, or on my clothes. I get it. You’re going to be okay, you know? I know it sucks right now, but everything turns around eventually, and then when you look back you’ll wonder how it ever felt like you’d be stuck there forever. I promise you that feeling goes away.”
“Even if I love him? Even if I’ve given him a piece of my heart? And there’s Luna, the sweetest, cutest dog in the world. I’ll die if I never see her again...”
“Izzy...” Max sighs.
“I know, I know. She’s just really great. And super smart. I love her.” I shrug. “And I love Callum, and I have to see him tomorrow, ugh.”
“Even if you see him, it doesn’t mean that you have to talk to him. Give yourself time. Okay?”
Time’s the enemy, I know. It’s the reason why Callum’s decided to kick me to the curb, to back away from this because maybe he’s just afraid as I am of screwing this up irreparably.
“Go to sleep,” Max orders.
“Hey, you’re not the boss of me.”
“Just go to sleep.”
I don’t say anything but shut my eyes and tell myself to sleep.
I have to see Callum tomorrow, and I need to look amazing and unaffected, and lack of sleep isn’t going to help matters.
It still takes forever for me to start dreaming.
