| |
January 2016
It’s colder than Hades, and the mucus of my nose has dried up, even sheltered underneath my Harry Potter-themed scarf as I walk home from the metro stop. The walk is only ten minutes, but ten minutes in the cold, dead heart of winter is enough to feel like a generation long.
It’s the second week of the New Year and I’ve already failed my resolution to be more mindful and stop worrying so much. Which has me worried ‘cause apparently when making any type of goal-like thing, it’s supposed to be concrete and time-bound, and mine don’t make a lot of sense.
Whatever.
My black jeans are so cold that they’re stinging my skin against my semi-exposed legs, and I know it’s time to upgrade my ten-year old North Face coat that has seen me through the good times, and the bad.
Which also makes me sad since this is the coat I was wearing when I moved out to my old place, and it was in my closet as the season got warmer and I finally met Hunter. It was the coat I was wearing when Hunter surprised me with a car ride in Baby two Christmases ago.
I’ve been places with this coat. It’s been with me through ten different winters: some of them really awful and terrible, it’s been with me when I moved out of my family home and lived by myself, and now finally it’s on its last legs and I don’t know how to feel about it.
I mean, it’s just a coat. A coat I wear in the middle of the winter, so I don’t freeze to death. But it holds a lot of sentimental value because I wore this coat before I even met Hunter and Matty, and I feel weird about letting it go.
I finally make it inside my building, the heat on full blast that it sort of dries up all the moisture in my eyeballs and makes me want to immediately start stripping right here in the lobby before I’m able to catch the elevator (don’t have to wait a hundred years this time!)
When I unlock the door to our condo, it’s to be greeted by a yelling Matty, zooming around the place, his arms wide, pretending to be an airplane. Hunter’s chasing him around the apartment, and they both turn to look at me when they hear the door close behind me, a matching grin on either of their faces.
I’m home and everything is already so much better now.
“Mommy!” Matty crows, running towards me at full-speed, his bare feet slapping at the ground, squeaking until he collides with my thighs all before I can even take my boots and coat off.
“Hey, little man,” I say, grinning. Matty puts his chin against my thigh, looking up at me with bright blue eyes, the longer part of his hair up top flopping back, the sides freshly shaved short from just a few days ago. “Why are you running around so much?” I push his hair off his forehead and Matty just grins even wider.
I glance up to Hunter, wave at him even though we’re a living room apart. Hunter’s smile gets wider too, and man, it makes me feel awesome.
“He had a really good day at school today,” Hunter says, notching his chin towards Matty. “Got a sticker on his worksheet and everything.”
I glance down. “No way, you did? Should we put it on the fridge?”
“He already took the sticker off and he’s wearing it,” Hunter supplies.
I laugh. “Hey, kiddo, you think I can take off my coat and boots, huh?”
“Wait can we go outside? It’s snowing!” Matty yells, as if I’m a football field away from him instead of being wrapped around me.
“It’s so cold outside, Matty. Freezing cold. Look at my hands, look how red they are,” I say, flashing my fingers at him.
“Baby, did you lose your gloves again?” Hunter asks on a sigh, coming to stand close to the pair of us, holding out his palm for me to place my hand in his grip.
I don’t want to since I’m going to get scolded but then I wouldn’t get to hold Hunter’s hand and I think that’s a crime.
“It’s not my fault that my coat pockets have a glove-eating monster in their depths. Have a heart, Hunter. It’s not like I do it on purpose. And the walk over from the metro station wasn’t that bad – ten minutes, tops.”
“Ten minutes for your hands to get this red,” he says, looking down at my hands and holding onto the one with the both of his, pressing in the warmth of his palms to the front and back mine.
“So we can’t go outside?” Matty asks, and I shake my head, my little boy letting go of me like I’ve physically hurt him with my answer. “Why is the world so cruel?” he says to the ceiling, waving his arms around, and I know he got that from a movie, but it still feels weird hearing a five-year-old say it out loud.
“Matty, it’s freezing. Come on, let’s help Mom with supper, yeah?” Hunter says, helping me wrangle off my coat and hang it up.
“But Daddy, I want to go outside,” Matty whines, pressing his entire body up against the balcony door while I toe off my boots and try not to fall over.
“Baby, that skirt. Are you allowed to wear that to work?” Hunter asks, pushing into my space, acting a little flirtatious and a lot playful.
“You saw what I was wearing this morning,” I say, now that it’s winter Hunter leaves a little later so we can share breakfast more often than not. “It’s my work clothes.”
“Yeah, but you’ve been coming to the gym with me and I don’t think you should do anymore squats. Ever again.” Hunter says, kissing my cheek, moving his lips down to my throat and making me shiver.
“I basically just started. Want to find the perfect wedding dress,” I say on a sigh.
Hunter moves out of my neck and leans back so that we make eye contact. He bites at his bottom lip and I don’t know why my belly swoops but it totally does. “It’s going to be perfect because you’re in it. I just want to see you coming down that aisle, I don’t even care if you wear a white dress or not. Wear sweatpants. I don’t care at all.”
I smile at him, place a palm along his stubbly cheek, and I grin wider when he moves his face to place a kiss in my palm. “Pretty sure going naked in a Greek Orthodox church is a big no-no, Hunt. Besides, it makes me feel better. Getting stronger.”
“It doesn’t make me feel better. I haven’t worked out properly since you started going to the gym with me. Do you even know how distracting you are?”
“Why don’t you let me know later? After supper?”
“Yeah, yeah, I can do that,” he laughs, then kisses me, his chest rumbling with his laugh and it’s honestly one of the best places in the world to be. “We’re only eight months away from the big day.”
I shake my head at him, and Hunter tugs my hand, pulling me into the kitchen.
We get some chicken breasts out of the fridge, and start on the marinade to bake later. Matty’s stomping around the place, angry in his own little kid way.
Eight months away.
Hell, I’m getting married to Hunter MacLaine in August and it’s crazy. Absolutely crazy.
Who would have thought this would happen to me?
I have a list of shit to do when it comes to the wedding but every single time I look at it, I get this nervous pit in my belly that no amount of looking at all the tasks that need to be done will make me feel any better.
I want to recruit Katie to help me, but I already know she’s so busy with her own stuff, even though I know how her brain works – she’d thrive on making timelines and spreadsheets for me, as if my wedding day is nothing but a project deadline.
Which let’s face it, it is.
I have the running tally of tasks running around in my head on a loop at all times, and the major one is talking with my mom and dad. Which is going to be a great conversation, about inviting them to the wedding, if they want to be part of the wedding party or not.
If they want to both walk me down the aisle, even though it feels disingenuous to do so.
That’s a can of worms I want to open never.
Supper’s ready in half and hour and Matty has found it in his little heart to forgive us for not taking him outside when it’s freezing, and I know my little boy will do nothing but whine about how cold it is once outside.
“How was your day?” Hunter asks, glancing over at me, Matty seated in his chair, his booster seat making it so he can see above the surface of the table and eat comfortably on his own – everything’s been pre-cut anyway.
“Same old, same old. There’s talk of starting a yoga class in the department during lunch time, so I might do that. I don’t know, I’m feeling restless in the office.”
“We still on for the gym tonight? Or did you want to take a break?”
I tilt my head at him. “Is this your way of telling me to stop doing squats in your vicinity?”
“Do I get to stay with Uncle Dean again and the doggies?” Matty asks, and we both nod at him, and Matty fists pumps into the air, munching around his chicken slowly and carefully. Seriously, the kid will spend five minutes on a single bite of food and it drives me crazy worrying that he’s not eating enough.
Not that his doctor has said anything, but I’ve been in Mom-mode for a long time, and I can’t help it.
“Your dad and I are going to go to the gym for a little bit and then we’ll come and pick you up after. How are you feeling, kiddo?”
Matty closes his eyes, and focusing on what he feels, before opening his eyes and looking at us with a smile on his face. “I feel good!” He nods quickly. “I feel really good!”
The evening passes by quickly, and Hunter and I get our gym gear together, and drive over to Dean’s apartment, being enthusiastically greeted by Dean and his dogs: Pongo, Kal and Potter. Matty loses his mind over the dogs, cuddling them and kissing heads and asking the dogs to play while he runs inside.
“Thanks for doing this, man. It’ll only be a couple of hours, and it’s Eddie’s day off,” Hunter explains, and Dean nods.
“Yeah, man. I’m glad to do it. You got his glucometer and everything? Great, we’re just going to chill together. Watch Paw Patrol. I’ve gotten into it, man, those little dogs break my heart,” Dean says, laughing.
Hunter and I head over to the closest gym, and while I walk on the treadmill for fifteen minutes to get my muscles warmed up, Hunter is right next to me at a light jog, his whole body in ‘work-mode’ and it shouldn’t be as sexy as it is, but here I am, ogling at my fiancé.
I head over to the leg press, my favourite machine since the new year began, and I’ve been working out in earnest instead of just hitting the treadmill every day for an extra half hour. I want to feel stronger, and setting my weights to a warmup, I start doing my reps, ignoring everything and anything else.
So it’s a surprise to me when Hunter comes up to me with a grin, and I pull off my ballcap the better to see him with and take off my headphones so I can hear what he’s telling me.
“Sorry, what?”
“You almost done?” Hunter asks, and I shake my head, confused.
“No. What’s wrong? Is your sugar okay?”
“Nah, I want to watch you do a hamstring curl and glare at any asshole who looks too long at your ass.”
I laugh, smack his forearm. “Hunt, I can’t help it if people look. I’m wearing my squat-proof leggings and everything. It’s just the position of the machine, I can’t help it.”
Hunter rubs at his eyes, looking completely out of it when I give him my logic.
“I’m going to get into so many fights,” he groans, tilting his head back.
“No you’re not. It’ll be fine, I promise. Go and do your work out. Nobody gets to touch my butt, but you.”
Hunter nods, then keeps nodding like he forgot the fact.
“It’s a privilege,” he says, leaning in close to kiss me on the cheek and then whistle at the amount of weight I’m using for my warmup. “Shit, baby, remember when you couldn’t do a single rep at this weight and now you’re doing it to warm up? That’s fucking hot,” he says, kissing me on my sweaty cheek again, making me laugh.
“Yeah, yeah, get away from me, you pervert. I’ll see you in a bit.”
I get back into my zone, and move through the rest of my exercises, Hunter circling me like a shark when I do my four sets of hamstring curls, lying prone on the bench, basically assuming the position, my ass almost up in the air.
It would be funny if I could concentrate on anything else other than the pain in my hamstrings right now.
I head to the water fountain, waiting for my turn because some guy’s hogging it, chugging down water, and then finally filling up his giant water bottle that makes me wonder if the guy’s gotta pee every twenty minutes when he turns around and smiles sheepishly at me.
Everything stops.
I know that face, I know that face.
Ah, frak, really? Right now? This is going to happen right now?
“Joey,” I say, the word wrenched out of me, a statement of fact.
“Shit, Sera? Is that you?” My brother looks me up and down, as if he doesn’t recognize me, and I know it’s because I used to be a lot bigger than I am now, took up more space as I hid from the world. “What happened to you?”
My brother looks up at my face, searching my features, maybe for the person he once knew, I don’t know.
I haven’t seen or spoken to him in a couple of years now, and we just happened to meet at this gym, one of the chain locations that Hunter and I pick and choose where to go depending on who we can get to babysit for us.
“I don’t know what you mean...” I shake my head at him, confused, alarmed. A touch along my shoulder has me turning to find Hunter standing beside me, wrapping an arm around my waist, waiting for me to make an introduction.
“Oh, hey, uh, Hunter...this is my brother, Joey.” I point to Joey across from us, as if Hunter can’t see him there.
“Your brother?” Hunter asks, and I feel him tense up beside me, as if getting ready for a fight. Hunter knows all about the shit with my family, the way I was treated for years and years, and now that he’s confronted with my brother?
Well, I’m surprised that he’s showing any kind of restraint, and honestly, I think I fall a little bit more deeply in love with him.
Yes, definitely, I’m so in love with Hunter MacLaine.
Joey puts out a hand, waiting for Hunter to shake it, and when Hunter stares a beat too long and looks like he’s not going to do a handshake, my cheeks erupt in fire and I get embarrassed for my brother, even though I know it’s totally warranted.
I don’t know why I’m like this, I blame my nerdy fangirl status – feeling too much all the damn time.
“Hey, man, nice to meet you,” Joey says, pumping Hunter’s hand in a one-two shake before dropping his hand, flexing it as if Hunter gave him a squeeze too hard for him to handle.
I sort of want to laugh, but now doesn’t seem like the right time, nor does it seem like the right time to be having this kind of conversation right in front of the water fountain at a gym, no less.
We move over to the side, all three of us crab-walking over and staring at each other the way strangers might do even though I lived with my family for basically twenty-five years of my life before I needed to move out, and go my own way.
Joey is a stranger now, totally.
He doesn’t know who I am now, what I like or don’t like, who the people in my life are.
He doesn’t know anything about me and I want to keep it that way, I think.
I don’t need my family at my own wedding if they’re going to make me feel like shit, I don’t need that extra stress on that day. Nope, don’t need it, don’t want it.
I still have to make that call, though, because I need to make it. It’s more for me than for them. Or should I skip it altogether?
Is this a sign to call them, Joey showing up here?
“It’s been a long time, Sera,” Joey says, and I gulp down a snort for the ages.
“Yeah, sure has been. Listen, Hunter and I have to go-” I say, lifting up my hand to indicate Hunter and I, as if my words didn’t make it abundantly clear and I can practically feel the very moment that Joey sees my ring on a very important finger.
Shit, shit, shit!
“Wait, Sera? What the fuck is this?” Joey says, grabbing onto my hand and looking down at my ring, then staring up at me with wide eyes, eyes that look like mine in the mirror. There’s some family resemblance there, for sure, but I don’t like that I can see some of myself in his face, that we look like siblings.
Shouldn’t siblings be treated with respect and trust at the very least? Nobody says we had to be best friends, but this?
And now he’s acting like he has a right to know about my life?
“Sera? Are you getting married? When? Where?” Joey asks, still holding onto my hand.
I pluck my hand away from him, pulling back, taking a whole step back, too.
“It was nice seeing you, Joey, but we have to go.”
“Wait, Sera, come on-”
“Look, man, she doesn’t wasn’t to talk to you right now,” Hunter says, his voice steely, body taught against mine. “Give it a rest.”
“Sera, come on. Can I have your number? No? Look, I work out here five nights a week, same time. Just...can we talk? When you want to?”
I shake my head, not ready for that right now.
Not ready for it at all.
But what if they don’t show up to your wedding? What’s going to happen then?
What does it even matter?
You can pre-order Never Been Happier here.
