Helena continued down the corridor towards the room where James was recovering, wondering what had just happened. She was still reeling from what Aidan had said. Had she misunderstood? Picked him up wrong? But, no… the pain that haunted his face told her that this was real – Rowan was dead, and their little daughter, Milly, was in a critical condition? How on earth could that be? Aidan was in an awful state – dazed and faraway – she knew it was shock. She didn’t know him well, she had only met him a handful of times, but the man was a shell of his former self. It almost hurt to look at him, seeing the weight of grief cloaked upon him. How ironic it was that on the same day she had learned her husband had very nearly lost his own life in a road traffic accident, Rowan and Milly had been involved in a crash too. What were the chances? It certainly put her own problems into perspective; she realised once again just how grateful she was that James was alive and she was getting another chance to put things right between them.
She rounded the room door and saw James’s parents sitting at his bedside, suddenly looking every one of their seventy-plus years. She herself felt she had aged at least ten years with the fright of having a Garda call to her door with that awful news. When Breda and Kevin had arrived at the hospital earlier, they had taken her in their arms and gripped her tightly. Her in-laws had always made her feel like part of the family, like the daughter they had never had. They didn’t know about their struggles to have a child and she didn’t want to worry them by admitting how strained things had been between James and her in recent months. Even though they had a lot to work through, she would never take her husband’s love for granted again.
‘I just met Aidan Whelan in the corridor,’ Helena blurted to Kevin and Breda as soon as she came into the room. She needed to talk to someone about it because the interaction seemed dreamlike and she was starting to wonder if she had imagined it. She of all people knew that shock could do funny things to people.
They both looked at her quizzically.
‘Remember James’s friend Rowan from UCD?’ she prompted. ‘Well, he’s her husband.’
‘Ah yes,’ Kevin said as it clicked into place for him. ‘I remember her well. She was at his twenty-first, remember, Breda?’
‘Are Rowan and Aidan here to see James? How did they hear about the crash so soon?’ Breda asked in bewilderment.
Helena shook her head. ‘No, Rowan and their daughter Milly were involved in a crash this morning too…’ She paused. ‘He said Rowan didn’t make it…’
‘Oh my goodness, Helena, are you sure?’ Breda stood up and walked over towards her, gripping her arm fiercely, bringing her back to the present.
‘I-I think so… I mean, that’s what he said…’ She was starting to doubt herself. It all seemed such a weird coincidence to think that her husband and his old college friend had both been involved in separate crashes on the same morning.
‘My God… what are the chances of our family and Rowan’s being involved in two serious accidents on the same day?’ Kevin shook his head.
Helena nodded, although she was having the same thoughts herself. Her head was still spinning from the news as she tried to make sense of it all.
‘There by the grace of God go I,’ Breda mumbled as she made the sign of the cross. ‘It makes me realise just how lucky we were today.’ She nodded towards James. ‘God love poor Aidan; it just doesn’t bear thinking about.’ Her voice quivered.
‘Did anyone tell you any more about whose car James was travelling in?’ Kevin asked suddenly.
Helena had forgotten what the doctor had told her about James being a passenger in the car. She had wracked her brain to think whose car he might have been in but had come up with nothing. She had told Breda and Kevin when they had arrived at the hospital, and they seemed as surprised as she was. ‘But he cycles everywhere!’ they had said.
‘I haven’t heard anything more,’ she replied, shaking her head. ‘They won’t release any details until all the next of kin have been informed.’
‘He was probably in a taxi,’ Breda reasoned.
‘Yeah,’ Helena agreed. But if he had been travelling in a taxi, would he really have been sitting in the front passenger seat? He must have been travelling with a colleague, she thought, that was the most logical explanation. Guilt crawled its way inside her; if she hadn’t been giving him the silent treatment, she would have known his plans for the day, but now she didn’t have a clue what her husband was doing in the moments before he had very nearly lost his life.
‘I’ll go get you a coffee, love,’ Kevin suggested, standing up. ‘You look like you could do with one.’
‘I’ll go with you,’ Breda said. ‘I need to get some air.’
‘Thank you,’ Helena said, sitting into the chair Kevin had just vacated, as her in-laws left the room.
She reached for James’s hand. He looked so vulnerable lying there and she wondered how she had ever been mad with him. Well, she promised, as soon as he was feeling stronger, they would talk it through properly. She would tell him that she was sorry for how she had handled things. She would never fly off the handle with him again. She was beyond grateful that she had been given a second chance with him.
She felt flooded with shame when she thought about poor Aidan Whelan and all he had lost today. She vaguely recollected that they had three children. Here she was celebrating at being given another chance with her husband, but poor Aidan was living her worst nightmare. He would never again get to tell Rowan that he loved her and now their children would have to endure life without their mother. Her heart tore thinking of the pain that they were now experiencing and would be for the rest of their lives.
She stroked her finger along the creases in James’s forehead. She ran it down the vertical line near his left temple from sleeping on the same side every night. ‘I’m here, darling, whenever you’re ready to wake up, I’m right here waiting for you,’ she whispered.
His eyelids began twitching, and Helena held her breath.
‘It’s me, James,’ she encouraged. ‘I’m right here.’
She watched as his eyes opened and tried to focus on his surroundings.
‘Hey, how are you doing?’ she said, tenderly stroking his hand across the starched white sheets. She felt tears of relief pool at the corners of her eyes.
His lids fell closed again before opening once more and his pupils began to dart around the room. She guessed he was panicked by his surroundings.
‘Hey, it’s okay, darling,’ she soothed, as she gripped his hand firmly to reassure him. ‘You’re in the hospital. You were in a bad car crash, but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.’
His lips began twitching and she knew he was trying to say something.
‘Do you remember anything?’ she prompted.
His reply came out as a choking sound as he began to cough and splutter.
‘It’s okay, take your time.’ She reached for the water jug and poured him a glass and held it up to his lips for him to take a sip.
When he was finished, she put the glass down and watched as he began moving his lips once more. She knew that whatever it was that he was trying to say was important to him.
‘What is it? What are you trying to say, James?’ she encouraged.
‘Ro—’ The sound was propelled from his lips with great effort, and she wondered if she could have heard him right.
‘What was that, love?’ she tried again.
‘Rowan.’ The word came out clearer this time and Helena knew there was no mistaking what she had heard.
‘Rowan?’ she repeated, feeling cold beads of sweat break out all along her neck.
It seemed just saying the word had exerted him and his eyelids fell closed once more as he drifted off to sleep again.
As Helena stroked her husband’s tanned forearm with its dark black hairs, she couldn’t shake the feeling of unease. Why was Rowan’s name the first word he had mentioned after waking up? For both him and Rowan to have life-altering car accidents in the same city, on the same day, on the same morning, seemed almost too coincidental to be true. It was as if he had a sixth sense and had known she had passed away. But he couldn’t possibly have… She couldn’t even begin to get her head around it. Unless… No… it had to be the medication messing with his brain.
The door opened and Kevin and Breda came back into the room. ‘Here, you go, Helena dear,’ Kevin said, handing her a takeaway coffee. ‘I took the liberty of adding a little bit of sugar, you know, to help with the shock. I hope that’s okay?’
She could do with something a lot stronger right now, but a sugary coffee was better than nothing. ‘That’s very kind of you, thank you, Kevin,’ she said, taking it from him. ‘I… eh… I have some good news – James woke up for a few minutes.’
‘Oh my goodness,’ Breda squealed as tears filled her eyes. ‘Thank God.’ She hugged her husband.
‘Did he say anything?’ Kevin asked hopefully.
‘Not really… I mean, he tried… but it wasn’t very coherent,’ she lied.
‘Well, that’s to be expected after everything he’s been through,’ Breda said. ‘We need to take it one step at a time.’
‘I know it’s early days, but at least he’s on the road to recovery,’ Kevin agreed, putting his arm around his wife’s shoulders.
How Helena wished she could share their exuberance, but she couldn’t help feeling off-kilter. She was obviously relieved that he had woken, but why had Rowan been the first person he had thought about? Suddenly it hit her that perhaps somewhere in his consciousness he had heard them talking about Rowan’s death just before he woke, so naturally it was the first word he had spoken. The brain was a very powerful organ. This explanation sat better with her, and she felt herself relax again.
‘What is it, love?’ Is everything okay?’ Breda asked, pinching her eyebrows together. Helena knew they were surprised by her muted reaction.
‘Of course, I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed, I think it’s all just hit me…’ she sighed.
‘I know, love, we’re all still in shock to be honest,’ Kevin said kindly as he patted her arm.
‘When I think about poor Aidan and what he must be going through,’ Breda shook her head. ‘We’re the lucky ones here today, isn’t that right, Helena?’
‘We really are,’ Helena agreed. She stood up and forced a smile on her face. ‘I should probably go and report the good news to the nurses’ station.’