Aidan crept into the room to see Helena tenderly stroking the hair back off Milly’s sleeping face. She hadn’t heard him come in and so he stood where he was and watched the scene before him. Helena was brilliant with Milly, she had such an easy way with children. She was kind, patient and caring and would have made a brilliant mother. He was grateful to her for staying with Milly especially when he knew it might have been difficult for her. From the bits she had told him of their fertility struggles, it was such a shame to think that she would never have a child of her own.
‘Hi there, how was she?’ Aidan asked as he took the other seat beside Milly’s bed.
Helena startled. ‘Oh hi, sorry I never heard you come in.’ She straightened up quickly. ‘She was in good form, Aidan, I think the blood transfusion seems to have done its job. She was awake for over two hours.’
Aidan exhaled loudly. ‘That’s such a relief.’ Although he hated that he had missed out on seeing her awake, he knew it was a positive step forward in her recovery.
‘We had a great time playing games and singing songs together. I really think she has turned a corner.’
‘Thank you for staying with her, Helena, it’s been such peace of mind to know you were here.’
‘It was my pleasure, she’s an amazing little girl. So, how was it?’ she ventured.
‘It was awful.’ He sighed and closed his eyes as he remembered the crushing finality of seeing Rowan’s coffin being lowered into the freshly dug earth as the boys stood looking on. In many ways, it still seemed surreal. He kept waiting to wake up from this nightmare, but it never happened.
After the burial, a long line of mourners had queued to shake their hands and express their sympathies and Aidan had gone through the motions, shaking hand after hand, thanking people for coming, while the boys stood beside him, their faces sticky with tears. He had longed to take them out of there, away from all those people and their whispered condolences.
Sheila and Philip had organised a meal at their golf club after the funeral, and they had taken the boys with them, while Aidan had returned to the hospital. He was glad to avoid it to be honest. He didn’t think he could shake another hand or listen to one more well-meant platitude about how ‘heaven needed another angel’ or something equally banal. He hated having to leave the boys so soon after they had laid their mother to rest, but he needed to see Milly.
Helena reached across the bed linen and gave his hand a squeeze. ‘I can only imagine.’
‘I made a mess of the eulogy,’ he continued. ‘I just went blank when I was standing up there with all those faces watching me. I couldn’t get it together. Philip nearly hauled me down off the altar.’
‘Don’t beat yourself up. It’s not like you ever get to practise writing a eulogy for your wife’s funeral. Emotions can run high at these things,’ she soothed. ‘How are the boys doing?’
‘They’re so lost, they’re in so much pain and the worst part is I can’t even help them.’
‘It’s going to be rough, I won’t lie, but time will help you. And this little girl would lift anyone’s spirits.’ She nodded towards Milly. ‘She will light up your home.’
Aidan couldn’t help but smile with pride. ‘She’s pretty amazing, isn’t she?’
‘She is,’ Helena agreed and Aidan was sure he could detect a wistfulness in her tone. He guessed Helena was still coming to terms with the fact that she would never have a child of her own. ‘She was asking for Rowan,’ she continued.
Aidan drew his hands down along his face and groaned. ‘I know, she’s been asking me too – I don’t know what to say to her. She thinks Rowan is at home and hasn’t come to visit her,’ he admitted. He had already spoken to the hospital grief counsellor about what was the best way to approach it and they had told him that he had to be honest and speak in clear, simple terms, but he still hadn’t been able to face doing it yet. He kept waiting for the right time, but would there ever be a right moment to tell a three-year-old that their mother was dead?
‘I think she might remember the crash,’ Helena said anxiously.
‘Really?’ Aidan asked.
‘She told me that after the big scary bang, her arm was sore and she was calling for her mama.’
Aidan’s heart sank. It was awful to think of her being scared and helpless while trapped in the wreckage of the car with her dead mother. ‘Oh God,’ he said.
‘I think the time has come to tell her,’ Helena suggested kindly. ‘I know it’s awful to think about shattering her world like that, especially when she’s been so poorly, but the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to break the news to her. I’d imagine her doctors will allow her to go home soon if she keeps going the way she is and you don’t want her to run through that door and expect her mother to be waiting for her.’
‘You think it might be soon?’ What a relief it would be to see the back of this hospital. At least he would be around more for the boys too.
‘I don’t want to speak for her medical team, but I can’t see why she wouldn’t be, everything is going in the right direction.’
Aidan nodded. ‘I guess I need to do it soon then. But what am I supposed to say? She’s three years old! She won’t even understand.’
‘I think you just have to be honest and explain it in really simple terms. There’s no easy way through it unfortunately. I can help you if you want?’
Aidan shook his head. ‘Thanks, but it’s probably something I need to do on my own.’
They both fell silent before Helena spoke again, ‘James is being released tomorrow. They’re very happy with his progress. It seems his fitness before the crash has really helped him and his rehabilitation is going well so far.’
Aidan’s eyes darted to the floor. He could feel the anger rise within him; his heart beat a little faster, and the blood warmed his veins as it always did whenever he heard James being mentioned. ‘So you won’t be around the hospital any more?’
Helena nodded.
Aidan felt a wave of sadness flow through him. His bedside chats with Helena would be over. They had been the only good thing in such a dark period. She had become a confidante and good friend to him over the last few days. She was always there with a listening ear and a word of advice. She was the only person who knew the full story. He could be completely honest with her; if he wanted to offload about Rowan’s betrayal or tell her that Philip was being an arsehole or to share his worries about the children, he could and she would listen without judgement.
‘I’ll miss your company,’ Aidan said. ‘You’ve been a rock for me over the last few days. I know it hasn’t been easy for you either. You’re the only one who understands what I’m going through. I wouldn’t have got through it without you.’
Helena’s eyes darted away from his. ‘Well… you’ve helped me through as well, Aidan…’ she mumbled as she stood up. She hurriedly picked up her handbag and slotted her arm through the strap, keeping it close to her. ‘I should go—’
‘Sure…’ Aidan said awkwardly as he stood up too. ‘Sorry, I’ve taken up enough of your day. You’ve probably lots of things to be doing to get ready for James coming home…’ He wondered if he had said something wrong? It was like he had flicked a switch and the atmosphere had completely changed. She seemed to be embarrassed by the compliment. Maybe he had been too gushing and she had felt uncomfortable?
‘I’m sorry, Aidan, I really am,’ she blurted.
He opened his mouth to reply but before he could say anything else she had turned and left the room.