Helena helped James up the steps to 14 Ledbury Road. When they reached the top, she pressed the bell and waited. She turned and looked around her at the neighbouring Georgian mansions. How had Rowan and Aidan afforded to live at this address? Sure, Aidan had a good job as a director, but even with generous bonuses there was no way he earned enough to buy a home on this street. Their neighbours were either tech millionaires, embassies or large-scale property developers that had made their money during the Celtic Tiger days; ordinary people didn’t buy houses here.
Suddenly the door was being pulled back and Helena was jolted out of her thoughts. This was a bad idea. She felt as though her stomach was spinning inside a washing machine. Aidan was standing there wearing a faded grey T-shirt, joggers and sliders, dressed casually like it was any other Saturday morning and not the day when they were about to deliver a sledgehammer to the last remaining pieces of his life.
James had insisted on going to see Aidan straight away. She had tried to persuade him to take some time to think about it all and the repercussions that telling the truth would bring, but there was no convincing James to wait. He was adamant that he needed to see Aidan and said he’d take a taxi if she wasn’t willing to drive him, so in the end she had had no choice but to go with him.
Now, seeing Aidan standing in front of them like this, she wasn’t sure if she could go through with it. She felt sick to the pit of her stomach. What on earth would they say to him? How could she even begin to explain what she had done? They could make up some silly reason for their visit – it wasn’t too late – she could pretend that James had just come to apologise once again and then they could turn around and go home instead of dropping the bombshell that was weighing her down. Was honestly really the best policy? It was one thing thinking you were doing the right thing, but the truth also had a darker side. Helena knew that more than anyone. Perhaps in this situation it was kinder to lie. She didn’t know what was right or wrong, good or bad any more.
‘Aidan,’ Helena began. ‘How are you doing?’
‘What do you want?’ Aidan cut across her, his eyes were locked on James’s. For a moment, she thought he might reach across the threshold and punch him.
‘We’re sorry for calling over like this…’ Helena continued, trying to stay calm even though she was a mess on the inside, ‘but…well… we wanted to talk to you about something.’
‘Who’s at the door, daddy?’ Milly said, coming out beside him and wrapping her arm around one of his thighs. ‘Oh it’s Lena!’ she cried as she spotted them.
Helena’s heart sang. That precious child. She was everything Helena wanted but had been denied. She represented all of her hopes and dreams, the future that she had yearned for but couldn’t have. She was wearing the cutest pink and white gingham pyjamas, the outline of her sling visible beneath the top. She grinned up at Helena with a mouthful of tiny teeth, her dark hair gleaming in the sunlight. Helena could definitely see it now – she had the same eyes as James. She risked a glance at her husband and she knew he could see it too.
‘Hi, Milly,’ Helena said, hearing how her voice danced with nerves.
Her face clouded as she spotted James. She pointed at him with her index finger. ‘You were in mama’s car when the scary bang appened.’
They all shifted awkwardly.
‘Come on, Lena, me show you my new teddy. Daddy got it for me cos I was so brave in the opital.’ Then she reached for Helena’s hand and slotted her own small hand inside it. Milly had led her inside the house before Aidan could stop her, leaving James to hobble after them on his crutches. As they walked down the hallway together with the warm softness of the child’s hand inside her own, Helena felt a longing inside herself, so ferocious that it frightened her.
They entered the large, open-plan area at the back of the house where morning sunlight flooded in. There was a kitchen area with an island in the middle, a lounge area with a sofa and TV sat at one end of the room and on the opposite end a dining table, over which a gallery of family photos in mismatched frames were displayed. The colours were so dark, Helena thought. Being an old house, the room was dark anyway, but the navy blue cupboards and lead-coloured walls made it feel even darker.
Helena surveyed the messy kitchen; it looked as though a bomb had gone off in the place. Pots and pans were piled up in the sink and mugs and plates were scattered across the worktops, toys were strewn around and a pair of Nike trainers lay kicked off in the middle of the floor, but despite the chaos, it told the story of a relaxed family room and Helena knew she would gladly trade it for her own orderly kitchen at home.
A boy of around nine or ten was watching TV, lying on the mustard-coloured sofa with his chin resting on his hands. He too was still in his pyjamas even though it was nearly lunchtime.
‘You must be Jack,’ Helena greeted. ‘Your dad told me lots about you. I’m Helena.’
‘Hi,’ he replied, barely looking up at them.
‘Daddy maded Mickey Mouse pancakes,’ Milly continued chatting, oblivious to the unease between the adults. ‘They’re not as good as Mama’s ones, but they’re okay if you put lots of marshmallows on them.’
‘Milly and Jack, why don’t you two go upstairs and get dressed and then we’ll go on our cycle, yeah?’ Aidan suggested.
Reluctantly, Jack picked himself up off the sofa. ‘Come on, Milly, I’ll help you to get changed.’
‘Me going to show you my ballet costume, Lena,’ Milly said, heading out of the kitchen with Jack. ‘Stay there,’ she ordered. ‘I show you…’ The warmth was suddenly gone as Milly’s hand slipped out from inside her own and Helena felt emptiness fill her once more.
Aidan waited until the children had left the kitchen and they heard their footsteps on the stairs. ‘To what do I owe the pleasure?’ he asked sardonically, his eyes still fixed on James.
Helena looked at James, to see if he still wanted to do this. It wasn’t too late to back out of it.
‘Helena can explain it better than me,’ James said, nodding at her, telling her to begin. As the person who had carried out the test, she knew it had to come from her.
Although they had been through this, it felt as though the words had evaporated from her brain. Her hands were trembling. She took a deep breath, hating herself for what she was about to do. ‘Back when Milly was in hospital,’ Helena began, ‘you mentioned that your blood type was O and the doctor said that Milly’s was AB.’
‘And?’ Aidan asked. She knew by the expression on his face that he clearly didn’t want them there but she had no choice but to continue.
‘Well, a person with an O blood type cannot have an AB child… I mean, there are very rare instances of it in Asia where there is a genetic mutation, but on the whole it isn’t scientifically possible.’
Aidan narrowed his eyes at her, clearly wishing she would spare him the medical lecture. ‘What are you getting at?’ he said impatiently.
Helena knew his world was about to come crashing down even further but she had gone too far to turn back now.
‘Well, when I heard you say that and I had also recently, like you, just found out about the one-night stand four years ago, I couldn’t help put it all together in my head. I was so torn, Aidan…’ she broke off.
‘There has been enough damage done and it’s time for honesty,’ James was saying now. ‘No more lies. I think we all have a right to know the truth.’
‘For Christ’s sake,’ Aidan said with fury. ‘What the hell are you saying?’ The anger in his eyes couldn’t disguise the fear that lurked there. ‘You’re both talking in riddles!’
‘Helena did a paternity test on Milly,’ James continued as Helena held her breath, ‘I’m so sorry to tell you this, Aidan, but I’m Milly’s biological father.’
Helena watched Aidan’s features change through anger to disbelief and back to anger once more. She could see the pain deeply etched on his face and thought she might actually be sick. She knew there was never going to be an easy way to tell Aidan all of this, but seeing his face crumple in front of her, his whole body suddenly looking smaller, it was so much more awful in reality than she had imagined.
Aidan looked from James to Helena and back again in disbelief.
‘Get out, the pair of you,’ he roared. ‘Haven’t you caused enough trouble? How dare you!’
‘I know you won’t believe me, but I’m really sorry, Aidan. This is the last thing I want to do to you,’ Helena said as they turned to leave the kitchen.
‘GET OUT NOW!’ he roared after them.