Helena caught James by the elbow, to assist him as he lowered himself stiffly into the passenger seat of the car. She took his crutches and placed them in the boot, then she climbed into the driver’s seat.
‘Well, that went well,’ James said sardonically, pulling his seat belt across his body and slotting it into the buckle.
‘What did you think was going to happen? Look, we both knew coming here that it was never going to be easy,’ she replied as she started the engine. She indicated and checked her mirrors before pulling out into Ledbury Road.
‘Well, I didn’t think it would go that badly,’ James retorted, looking out the window where luscious autumn leaves had rained down from the trees and carpeted the footpaths in colours of saffron and rust.
‘Put yourself in his shoes,’ Helena said. ‘Imagine what a shock it would have been for him to hear those words. Telling him that he might not be Milly’s dad will have completely shattered his world. After everything he has been through in the last few weeks, who can blame him for reacting like that?’
‘I know it’s difficult for Aidan – he’s been through so much – I feel awful for him, I really do, but I’ve been deceived too. I can’t just stand by and do nothing and lose out on being a part of my daughter’s life!’
Helena felt a pang of sorrow at his use of the word ‘daughter’. She still felt despair balled up inside her, sitting in her stomach like curdled milk whenever she thought about the baby she would never carry. ‘Well, he isn’t going to just roll over and let you into her life.’
‘So what can we do then?’
There it was again. He was using ‘we’ instead of ‘I’. She knew she had started them on this journey, but she felt as though she was being pulled along a road she didn’t want to go down. While she was just beginning to get her head around it all, James was ten steps ahead of where she was. He was racing along and she felt she was running after him, trying to keep up.
‘I’m not sure, to be honest,’ she sighed as they stopped at a red light. They had told Aidan that they wanted him to know the truth – ‘no more lies’, James had said to him – but was there not a part of her that yearned for a connection – no matter how tenuous – with Milly? Seeing that child again, it felt like she was under her spell. The pudgy softness of her small hand as it had slipped inside her own, Milly’s sweet excitement rushing up the stairs to put on her ballet costume to show Helena; she was so innocent. To think that beautiful little girl shared the same genes as her husband… She couldn’t help but wonder what would it be like to have her in their lives? She could imagine snuggling up with her on the sofa, watching Disney movies and sipping hot chocolates together. She would play princesses with her, they could dress up. When she was older, she would take her shopping and they would get mini-manicures together. It was like a fantasy that seemed so close, yet so far out of reach. The more she got carried away by the idea, the more the tapestry of the dream was sewn in her head, but Helena knew she had to stop it, she couldn’t risk getting swept along by the current of James’s actions, it was too dangerous.
‘But he doesn’t even believe us, he thinks we’re making it all up,’ he continued, pulling her out of her thoughts.
‘Today was a shock for him, James, maybe when he calms down, he might be more willing to listen to what you have to say.’
‘Aidan isn’t the only one suffering here, I’m losing out too,’ he said as the lights turned green and they set off again.
‘It isn’t that straightforward,’ Helena reasoned. ‘Aidan has raised her as his own all her life – I’m assuming Rowan put his name on her birth certificate. He loves that child just like he loves Callum and Jack, no matter what the paternity results say. He’s not going to let us waltz in and take her off him.’
‘She’s the image of me – it was like looking in a mirror,’ he said wistfully. ‘I know you saw it too, Helena. I don’t know how I didn’t recognise it straight away when I sat in Rowan’s car that morning.’
He was right. The resemblance was uncanny. James had a cow’s lick to the right of his forehead and when they had been standing in the kitchen, she had noticed that Milly’s hairline followed the same pattern. As well as sharing his blue eyes and dark features, they had similar mannerisms too. Milly blinked rapidly when she got animated about something and James did the exact same thing whenever he was excited.
‘Now that I’ve seen it, it’s all I can see. My child has been right there all this time and I didn’t even know… Just think, Helena, what would it be like to have her in our lives? Imagine it – imagine being able to tuck her up in bed at night and read her a story or watch her opening her presents on Christmas morning – having all the excitement of Santa Claus.’
Helena had thought about nothing else; that was the problem. She had imagined the scenarios and images that James was planting in her head a million times already. Yes, the lure of having Milly in their life was a seductive notion, but she was terrified to open herself up to the possibility because her heart wouldn’t survive another crush.
‘We could have all of that,’ James continued. ‘It’s like we’re getting another chance at being parents – another way of doing it. It’s not the way either of us imagined it and I know it won’t be easy, but I think, with time, we could make it work.’
There it was again. She felt as though she was a passenger in a car that was travelling too fast. James was spinning a fantasy and had cast her along in its threads. He was talking about the three of them as a unit, but at the end of the day, Milly was James’s child – not hers. And her heart was already so sore as it came to terms with the dreams of motherhood that would never happen for her. Did she really want to be a part of this? Yes, she had started this whole thing, she was the one who had lifted the lid on Pandora’s box, but she hadn’t been prepared for the strength of James’s feelings. His desire to have a child at all costs.
‘She’s a living, breathing child,’ Helena said cautiously. ‘We have to think of her too, we need to be careful – Aidan is the only father she has ever known. And what about Callum and Jack? This would devastate them too. She’s their little sister, for God’s sake.’
‘I get that – I would never try to take her off Aidan, that would be cruel, but I think we could work something out.’
‘Like what?’ Helena exhaled heavily.
‘I don’t know… some kind of arrangement… maybe she could stay with us every second weekend or something…’
‘Can you imagine how traumatic that would be for poor Milly? At the moment, she associates you with the car crash that killed her mother! She’s too young to understand. We would be ripping her away from her family!’
‘It wouldn’t be like that, Helena, we’d do it slowly.’
‘But how? Aidan won’t even talk to us!’
‘Well, actually… I think we should get legal advice.’
Helena felt a tightness in her chest. ‘Oh, James, do you really think that is a good idea? I think you need to bide your time and maybe then we could come to some kind of arrangement with Aidan. When all the drama and anger has died down and he has had time to process it, he might be willing to allow us access to Milly without bringing lawyers and solicitors into it.’ The last thing any of them needed right now was a court battle, Aidan had been through enough.
‘But I’ve already lost enough time with her, I don’t want to lose any more!’ James snapped. 'If Aidan’s not going to listen to what we’re saying, then what choice do I have? I have to fight for her – she’s my daughter, Helena!’
‘This could all get really messy,’ she pleaded. ‘We have to be fair to Aidan.’
‘I can’t let him rob me of what might be my only chance to be a dad!’ James blasted.
Helena felt the old wound of her infertility struggle begin to sting once more. Previously they had shared that pain together, but since James had learnt he had a child of his own, the cut was deeper. It was painful to realise that their inability to conceive a child was solely her fault. He had another shot at this, but she would never get the chance to carry her own child. Helena had never felt more alone.
‘I think we should give him a few days to process it and then we can see if he’d be willing to talk to us again – maybe when he calms down, we’ll be able to have a rational conversation.’
‘No way, Helena. The softly-softly approach won’t work here. He’s going to try to protect what is left of his family at all costs. I know it’s awful and I hate that we’re doing this to him after everything that has happened, but we don’t have any other option, we have to go legal, it’s the only way—’
‘Just think about it, James,’ Helena tried. She felt so torn; Aidan was a good man and he didn’t deserve this, but she also knew that if someone told her that she had a secret child somewhere after everything they had been through she would stop at nothing to fight for her own child, so it was only natural that James was feeling this way. ‘This could all blow up – once you go legal, there’s no turning back, who knows what will happen…’
‘I’ve missed out on enough time, Hel, I’m going to contact my solicitor.’
Her heart started to hammer. She felt as though the car had picked up speed and now it was out of the control. He was like a man possessed, ploughing ahead, not caring about the shrapnel flying in his wake. But she only had herself to blame. She had done this to everyone – it was because of her that this was happening. All actions have consequences and now she was reaping what she sowed.