They had driven home from Fitzwilliam Square in silence, each of them processing their thoughts after the meeting with Laurence Jones. Helena had let them into the house and wordlessly they had both sat down at the kitchen table.
Wedges of white autumn sunlight spread out across the kitchen tiles. The tension was sitting thickly in the air, so thick that Helena was sure if you took a pair of scissors, you would be able to cut right through it. The meeting had been an eye-opener for her. Up until then she had thought that destroying Aidan was their biggest worry, now she realised there was so much more at stake here. She had thought they would be able to keep the matter between their respective solicitors, but Laurence Jones had informed them that if they did decide to proceed, then their next step would be to make an application to the District Court. The thought of their deepest darkest secrets being aired in the midst of a court battle was awful. She was also worried about her professionalism being called into question. The thought of her family and colleagues learning what she had done filled her with shame.
‘So what do you reckon? It sounds like we’ve got a good case, doesn’t it?’ James began.
Helena felt as though they had been at two different meetings. She had been thinking over everything that Laurence Jones had told them, with something close to despair.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, picking up on her muted reaction. ‘You’re not happy?’
‘I don’t think I can do it,’ she said.
‘Of course you can, I know it seems daunting right now, but it will all be worth it when we have little Milly in our lives, I promise you,’ he coaxed. He reached across the table and gave her hand a squeeze, but she quickly pulled it away from him.
‘You’re the only person who wins in this, James – Aidan loses out, Milly too, even I will lose out.’
‘Why would you say that?’ he asked, sounding wounded.
‘You heard what Laurence said: there’s a risk I could be struck off! I can’t take that chance. I spent so many years studying, working crazy hours as a junior doctor, then doing my GP training. But it’s more than that – I love my job, I love helping my patients. I’ve been out of work for three weeks and I can’t wait to be back. I’m sorry but I can’t put all of that in jeopardy. I’ve so much more to lose than you.’
‘Laurence was just pointing out the worst-case scenario – that’s his job, it doesn’t mean it is actually going to happen.’
‘But it could. And even if I didn’t get struck off, something like this would ruin my career if people found out. It would be all over the press. Imagine what my colleagues would say? Or my parents? They’d be horrified. And by the way, even if we decided to go ahead with the court application and were successful, have you even considered what we would tell our families? How would you begin to explain Milly’s sudden presence in our lives to them? You’d have to go right back to the start and tell them about the one-night stand – they think that Rowan was just giving you a lift on the day of the crash. Imagine what they would say if they knew all of this?’ Helena’s elderly parents were extremely religious and she knew this wouldn’t sit well with their traditional values at all. ‘It would kill Mam and Dad and I don’t think your parents would fare much better.’
‘If we want to be happy then we can’t live our lives worried about what other people will think. Come on, Hel,’ he coaxed, ‘I know it will come as a shock to a lot of people – hell, it’s even come as a shock to me – and maybe some people won’t be supportive of us, but this is our one and only chance to be parents and if people aren’t happy for us, then they’re not worth having in our lives,’ James went on. ‘Who cares what people think! They don’t know the full story. They don’t know us, they don’t know what we’ve been through or how much we want a child. We’re doing the right thing. I know this is horrible and a stressful situation, but the end result will justify the means.’
‘It’s different for you, James. You might be her father, but even if you’re successful, it doesn’t change the fact that I’ll never be her mother – she’s your daughter, not mine.’ She’d finally said the words that she had been skirting around but she needed to make James see it. No matter what way he tried to dress it up, Milly would never be her daughter.
‘But you’re my wife – we’re in this together. We’ll be a family together When I woke up in hospital after the crash, I knew I had got a second chance. When something like that happens to you – when you look death in the eye like I did – you know you will never take another day for granted again. We get one life and I want to live mine with no regrets and I swore I was going to do everything I possibly could to live my life properly.’
‘Just listen to yourself, James, you are consumed by this! Too many people will get hurt; there’s Aidan, Callum and Jack, there’s me and the risk to my job, and of course the child caught in the middle of it all, Milly. She’s too young to understand, she’s been through enough. If you really cared about Milly, you would put her first and do what’s right for her instead of yourself.’
‘We would do it slowly, just an hour here and there initially and then build it up. She wouldn’t even realise what was happening.’
‘And would you get her to call you Dad as well?’ Helena pushed.
‘I never even thought about that… but let’s not get hung up on the technicalities. I don’t care what she calls me, I just want her in my life.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t think I can be a part of it.’ How she wished she could just climb on board James’s train and fight for this chance to be parents. She wanted everything that he wanted; she wanted a child for them too, but this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. She didn’t want their chance at parenthood to come about at the expense of somebody else. How would they begin to live with themselves? Helena knew she could never be happy knowing they had done that to Aidan.
‘Why the hell did you start all of this if you weren’t prepared to stay the course?’ he blazed. ‘You’re in this too whether you like it or not. You’re the one who told me about the paternity test. You started all of this!’
‘I know and I’m sorry, I wish that I’d never done that damned test.’
‘How can you say that? She was my child all along and I never even knew it, you’d rather I had been kept in the dark?’ he asked in disbelief. ‘You can’t just bow out now when the going gets tough –.’
‘I know it’s all my fault, but it’s not too late, we can stop this from going any further before we ruin any more lives. It isn’t about us, it should be about Milly and what she wants. She’s grieving for her mother, you can’t force the issue now. We’ve told Aidan the truth, so it’s up to him what he wants to do with this information.’
‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this!’ James shook his head, with fury lighting his eyes. ‘What did you expect me to do with the knowledge that I had a child?’ he shouted. ‘Did you think I’d just continue on and forget all about it? I don’t get you, Helena. You can’t just give me a chance of making my dreams come true and then snatch it away from me again!’ he blasted.
‘I just never imagined it would go this far.’ She couldn’t hold it together any more as her voice dissolved into tears. She wanted all this madness to stop. She wanted her old life back. Even in her darkest hours of infertility struggles, she had never felt as low as this. ‘I just hoped we would have been able to deal with Aidan on our own without bringing solicitors and court hearings into it.’
‘Well then you’re very naïve. Did you think Aidan was just going to roll over and hand her over to us? Come on, Helena, get real! We have to fight for her!’
‘I don’t think I can,’ she whispered.
‘Well I’m not going to give up on her, I’m not going to be made a mug of any more. With or without you, I’m going ahead with the application.’