Aidan stayed sitting in the car outside his house and held his head in his hands. How was he meant to go in there and face the children? It would kill him to see Milly. He had just been for a meeting in Brendan Waters’ office and things had gone even worse than he had expected. Brendan had wanted to discuss their next steps following on from the results of the paternity test.
‘Thank you for coming in to see me today, Aidan.’ Brendan had pumped his hand before taking a seat across the desk from him. ‘I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to tell you that James’s solicitor, Laurence Jones, has been in touch and they’ve mounted a case…’ he had paused. ‘I’m very sorry but… well… I’m afraid, there’s more…’ His voice had sounded stretched, like a catapult pulled backwards, causing Aidan’s breath to hitch in his chest. He’d picked up a pen and twiddled it between his fingers before putting it down again.
‘Go on,’ Aidan had pushed, almost impatiently but feeling equally terrified for what was to come, wishing he could hold back Brendan’s words forever.
‘Well… there is no easy way to tell you this, Aidan, but James is seeking full custody. I know we had expected him to apply for access to Milly, but it seems he has gone a step further.’
Aidan had felt the world around him stop, Brendan’s voice had faded into the background and all he could hear was an angry ringing sound in his ears. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. Aidan had asked Brendan to repeat what he had said, he was sure that there must be a mistake. But, sure enough, Brendan had repeated those same cruel words. James wanted to take his child. It was outrageous. So callous. James was going for the whole shooting gallery. He wanted to snatch his daughter away from him like she was an inanimate object – like you might take back a book you had loaned someone or a coat that a friend had borrowed. But Milly was a child. She was his daughter!
As bad it had been losing Rowan, Aidan couldn’t lose Milly too; he knew he would never have the strength to survive it, it would finish him off completely. And what on earth was he supposed to tell Callum and Jack if the worst happened? If James was successful in his challenge, how would he begin to explain something like that to them? They had just lost their mother; they couldn’t lose their sister too. Hadn’t they been through enough? He couldn’t allow it to happen. He wouldn’t allow it to happen. Aidan knew that he had to protect what was left of his family with every cell in his body. He would lay down and die for his daughter if that’s what it took.
‘I will need to get some direction from you on how you would like to handle it, whether you want to defend—’ Brendan had pulled him out from the maelstrom that was circling inside his head.
‘Of course I’m going to bloody defend it! She’s my daughter for God’s sake!’ He had lowered his voice so that it was deathly calm before adding, ‘I will fight for that child with every breath in my body.’
‘I thought you might say that, but you have to realise, Aidan, that the results change everything. I can’t see any judge denying a biological father access.’
‘But Milly has been through so much.’ He had stabbed his index finger against his chest. ‘I’m her father. Me, not him,’ he had added fiercely.
Brendan had avoided his eyes. ‘It’s not black and white any more, Aidan. As I explained previously, the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child recognises a child’s right to know their parents—’
‘Whose side are you on here, Brendan?’ Aidan had demanded.
‘I wouldn’t be doing my job properly if I didn’t point out what could happen. It’s Solomon’s choice, I don’t envy the judge.’
‘You’re saying I’m going to lose her, aren’t you?’ Aidan had blazed.
‘Calm down, Aidan, I’m not saying that; I just need you to be aware of the worst-case scenario. I do think there will be some element of compromise involved here though.’
‘How the hell can I compromise? This is my child we’re talking about here! What kind of a dad would I be if I stood by and watched her being taken away from me!’
‘But on paper she’s not your child, Aidan. James has rights too.’
Aidan had sat back in the leather-clad chair and gripped the armrests fiercely until his knuckles were white. ‘So what are we going to do then?’ Aidan had demanded. ‘Without putting too fine a point on it, what am I paying you for, Brendan? I’m not just going to step aside and let him take my child!’ He hated being confrontational, but these events had brought out the very worst in him. He couldn’t just sit back and roll with it and see how they got on as seemed to be Brendan’s stance. Someone had to fight for Milly.
‘Well, we will of course be arguing that the disruption to Milly’s life will be damaging given recent events, namely the loss of her mother, but Milly’s biological father has rights and feelings too and it’s most likely that James’s team will argue that his rights have been infringed by the falsification of the paternity details on Milly’s birth certificate. You need to be prepared to fight and, even then, it’s unlikely that you will be happy with the outcome.’
Aidan had questioned how any sentient human being with feelings could allow Milly to be ripped out of the bosom of her family after everything that had happened to her, but Brendan had stated that the judge would want to be seen to be fair to all parties.
‘So, you’re saying that one day Milly could be living with the only family she has ever known and the next be taken away from us and sent to live with someone else? I’m failing to see how that could be in the child’s best interests? Could you imagine how traumatic that would be for her?’ He’d had a sudden image of Milly’s red face, screaming as she was pulled out of his arms, or waking up crying during the night in a strange bed, wondering why Aidan wasn’t there to comfort her. The thought terrified him. It was cruel; why should she pay the price for her mother’s deceit? She was too young to understand this; it wasn’t like he could prepare her; she would never be able to grasp it. Her world was simple – it was Mammy, Daddy, Callum and Jack, or at least it had been before Rowan died. ‘Doesn’t the person at the centre of all this matter? Doesn’t what Milly want count for anything?’
Brendan had shaken his head. ‘It wouldn’t happen overnight, it would most likely be a stepped arrangement, starting with an hour here or there, probably with you present initially or perhaps in the presence of a social worker, then the time would build up gradually.’
‘So even if the judge was only willing to allow James limited access initially, you’re saying that, over time, he could build up a case for full custody?’ Aidan had asked. ‘Basically either way I’m going to lose her?’ Brendan had seemed resigned to the fact that James was going to get some form of access to Milly – the only question was how much.
‘Any decision made will be in Milly’s best interest and although she is very young, they will try to ascertain her wishes.’
‘How the hell can you do that? She’s three – she just knows that I’m her dad, her understanding doesn’t go beyond that!’ he’d said in exasperation.
‘Children are remarkably adaptable at that age, and I’d imagine that they will also involve play therapists specially trained in these matters.’
‘Do you have children?’ Aidan had finally asked.
‘Well, no… I—’
‘Well then, you’ll never be able to understand,’ Aidan had said, getting up and walking out of the office as temper overtook him.
As Aidan had drove through the city streets towards home, he was left with no doubt that he was going to lose Milly – if not now, in the future. He couldn’t hold back the awful inevitability that he was going to lose his child.
He knew he couldn’t stay sitting in the car forever, so eventually he took a deep breath, steeled himself and stepped out of the car. He made his way wearily up the steps to their house, where Gemma was staying with the children after collecting the boys from the school and Milly from the crèche.
‘How did it go?’ his sister asked, hurrying to greet him in the hallway as soon as she heard the door open.
He continued wordlessly into the kitchen and tossed his keys down on the island. The smell of baking filled his nose – it had been a long time since their kitchen had smelled homely like this. When Aidan had tried to bake cookies with Milly recently, he had ended up burning the dough.
‘Daddy!’ he heard Milly sing and she ran over and collided with his leg, throwing her arms around him. There was no sign of the boys, he guessed they were upstairs in their bedrooms, hopefully doing their homework but probably hunched over their devices. Callum’s behaviour had improved in the days since his run-in with the gang down at the petrol station and although it was early days, Aidan was praying he had finally turned a corner.
Aidan picked her up from the ground and held her in his arms.
‘Me and Auntie G maded cupcakes. I maded one for you, Daddy.’ She was already wriggling to be let down even though Aidan wished he could keep her there safe in his arms forever. She ran over to the worktop where baking trays full of steaming buns were cooling.
‘They smell delicious,’ Aidan said.
‘Milly, why don’t you go wash your hands in the bathroom and I’ll see if they have cooled down enough for you to eat,’ Gemma suggested.
‘Okay,’ Milly said, running off down the hall.
‘Was it that bad?’ Gemma asked, her whole face creased in concern.
Aidan nodded. ‘According to Brendan, it’s just a matter of time before I lose her.’
‘Oh, Aidan,’ she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. ‘I’m so sorry.’
On his better days, he tried to believe that Rowan hadn’t realised that Milly was James’s child, but on days like this it was hard not to think that she had purposely deceived him by attributing the child’s paternity to him sheerly because it was the easiest thing to do. Even though it had been a surprise when Rowan had told him she was pregnant, they weren’t using protection, so it wasn’t unexpected. They were married, they already had two children together, why would anyone suspect this baby might not be his? Or perhaps she was afraid to reveal the truth, knowing how their lives would have been unravelled so instead she had left that until after her death to be discovered. The irony of it was that if this situation had happened when Rowan had still been alive, Brendan had told him that Milly would never be taken away from her mother and the most James would probably have got was access, but instead it was Aidan who had to deal with this mess on his own and the very real fear of losing his daughter.
That night as he brushed his teeth before bed, the events of the day really hit him. The emotion – the fear – overtook him and he felt hot tears in his eyes. The reality slammed into him: he was going to lose his daughter. It was only a matter of time. Suddenly anger overcame him, and he lashed out at the vanity unit where all of Rowan’s glass perfume bottles stood and swiped them from the shelf. The bottles landed with a crash on the tiles, some smashing instantly and releasing their musky aromas into the air.
Aidan stood looking at the shards of glass that lay all around his bare feet, where pale barley shades of liquid were running across the floor and he knew that dead or alive, if he lost Milly, he would never forgive Rowan for what she had done to them.