When they finally returned to the house, Helena was exhausted, but she felt wired and knew she would never sleep. They were both so relieved and overjoyed that Milly was going to be okay.
‘Thought you might like this,’ she said, handing James a glass of wine from the bottle that she had just opened. She rolled her shoulders back, trying to ease them out. They burned with tension and her neck ached.
‘Thanks,’ he said, taking it gladly. ‘What a day.’ He shook his head.
‘What a few months,’ she replied, joining him at the kitchen table.
‘I was never so glad to see you when you arrived earlier. The longer it was going on, I wasn’t sure she was going to make it…’ his voice choked. ‘I saw the whole thing happen; it was awful.’
‘But why were you even at the playground?’ She still hadn’t had a chance to get the full story from him.
‘I was walking through the park, doing my new exercises from my physio, and I spotted Aidan and the kids in the playground together, so I stopped to watch them for a moment. The place was packed, so they didn’t see me. Aidan was pushing Milly on the swings, and she was laughing like she hadn’t a care in the world. She looked so happy, Hel; you should see the way she looked at him – I had always hoped that our baby would have looked at me the same way when he got a little older… if he had lived.’
Helena felt winded, like he was pulling the pain from a place deep inside her, where she had buried it long ago. ‘George…’
‘Sorry?’
‘I named him,’ she said quietly. ‘George is his name.’
James fell quiet as he digested this new information. ‘That’s a good name,’ he said eventually, nodding his head in agreement. ‘That day when we lost him… well, something died inside of me… I had his whole life planned for him, y’know? I was going to take him to football training, maybe I would even help out with the coaching for his team, then we’d go mountain biking when he was old enough. He would do well in school, we’d have to keep the pressure on to get him to study of course, but he’d breeze through his exams because he’d have your brains,’ he smiled sadly. ‘I would take him for his first pint when he turned eighteen and even though we were both men…’ his voice choked with emotion, ‘I’d never be afraid to hug him.’
Helena was stunned. She had thought it was only her that felt George’s loss so deeply like a knife had scored her heart, but James had planned a whole life for him just like she had. And yet neither of them had spoken to the other about it. He had suffered so much too, he just showed it differently.
‘When I looked at Aidan in the hospital today, he was broken. It reminded me of that same pain that we felt. I keep thinking back to that time and how awful it was and how sad I still feel about what might have been…’ he continued. ‘Seeing Milly lying on that stretcher changed something inside me today and coming so close to losing her, it’s put everything into focus … I was looking at it all wrong – I kept thinking about it from my point of view – about what I was missing out on and what I was being deprived of, but, you were right, I never stopped to think about Milly. I realised that it’s not about me or Aidan or even Rowan – I got caught up in the battle and lost sight of the person who really matters here. How could I take her away from him? Her happiness is in my hands – I could destroy her life. She’s too little to understand. How would I be able to look her in the eye, knowing I had taken her away from the only father she has ever known? She would think I was a monster. She would grow up hating me. I want her so badly, Helena, she’s beautiful and precious, and everything I imagined a daughter of mine to be and more, but if I take her away from Aidan, she’ll have lost two parents. I can’t do that to her. I don’t want to put her through any more trauma.’ His voice choked. ‘Even though it kills me to think about all I’m losing out on, getting to know my own daughter – my only chance to be a father – her happiness matters even more. I only want the best for her, and if that’s with Aidan, then that’s the way it has to be.’
Helena felt her heart stop. ‘What are you saying, James?’
He suddenly began to cry, shocking her – it was the first time Helena had seen him overcome with emotion during all of this mess. Even in the hospital, at the height of his pain, he hadn’t broken down like this. Despite everything that had happened between them, she couldn’t help but move towards him and put her arms around him.
‘When I watched her being carried off on that stretcher, I made a promise that if she came through, I’d stop all this. I can’t go through with it.’ He shook his head. ‘What I’m doing to Aidan is wrong, I know it is, Helena. She’s not some doll who can be split down the middle to keep us both happy. I was just so desperate, and I couldn’t see a way out. It felt as though I was losing you; you were slipping away from me and I don’t know…’ He sighed. ‘I guess I thought if I could just give us a child, I could fix us. Like Milly was some kind of plaster for our marriage. I know it sounds ridiculous and selfish and I hate that I thought like that, but I was angry with Rowan too – I still am – I think she knew this secret and yet didn’t tell anyone. She caused all this heartache for so many people and now I’ve gone and made everything worse. I think that day of the crash she was going to tell me – I have to believe that she wanted to do the right thing and that’s why she asked to meet me, but what would have happened then? Would we still be in this same situation we find ourselves in now?’
‘Rowan isn’t here to give her side of the story,’ Helena said. ‘Maybe she was frightened and just didn’t know what to do and so she made a bad call. I don’t want to vilify the woman when she is no longer around to defend herself and you’re no angel either – sleeping with Aidan’s wife behind his back was wrong – but I’ve also played a part in this, I have to shoulder my share of the blame too. We’ve all made mistakes, but we can do the right thing now – it’s not too late.’
‘I don’t want to lose our marriage, I don’t want a life without you in it, Helena. The last few days have been awful: I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep – it’s been hell. Life doesn’t mean anything to me if you’re not by my side to share it with. I love you. I’ve always loved you since you blew me away that very first day you walked into my shop.’ A smile crossed his lips at the memory. ‘I knew you were the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.’
‘Oh, James, what have we become?’ She began to cry then as months of hurt and stress overtook her. ‘How have we ended up here?’ Through her work, she was well aware of the emotional and psychological impact that infertility wrought on couples, but she’d always thought that they were different. She believed that they’d be able to withstand it. Put their backs to the wind and survive the onslaught together, but she now realised it had driven a wrecking ball through their marriage and the worst part was that she hadn’t even seen it coming. Their journey to become parents had broken them. Their desperation to have a child had clouded everything: their love for one another, their judgement about what was right and wrong. It had blinded her to the love she had for her husband. Helena had always thought that secrets were better off aired, but now she realised that some secrets were better off not being discovered. They could cause too much heartache and pain. Sometimes you were better off not knowing the truth. It was kinder that way.
They sat there for a long time, crying and hugging. When they got up to go to bed, everything seemed to sit better, like they had been trapped in a little rowboat, being tossed around by a storm and had been cast amongst the debris like flotsam and jetsam but now the water had settled again, and they were emerging damaged but stronger. She didn’t know what the future held for them, but she knew they would take it on together.
‘I need to tell Aidan,’ James said.
She nodded and reached for her husband’s hand and wrapped her own around it. ‘We’ll do it together.’