A couple of times throughout this book, I’ve referenced not excusing away abuse or dysfunctional behavior. You know from reading so much about my personal experiences with abuse, my heart is very tender and compassionate toward anyone facing this harsh reality. I wanted to provide this information, both as a point of compassion and clarity around what abuse is and how to potentially find help if you’re in an abusive situation.
In an article published by Psychology Today,1 I found this definition of abuse:
Abuse within families is behaviorally nuanced and emotionally complex. Always, it is within a dynamic of power and control that emotional and physical abuse is perpetuated.
Abuse may manifest as physical (throwing, shoving, grabbing, blocking pathways, slapping, hitting, scratches, bruises, burns, cuts, wounds, broken bones, fractures, damage to organs, permanent injury, or even murder), sexual (suggestive flirtatiousness, propositioning, undesired or inappropriate holding, kissing, fondling of sexual parts, oral sex, or any kind of forceful sexual activity), or emotional (neglect, harassment, shaming, threatening, malicious tricks, blackmail, unfair punishments, cruel or degrading tasks, confinement, abandonment).
So, what does the Bible say about abuse, and what do we do regarding forgiveness in situations like this? Let’s look at what Paul wrote to Timothy:
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. (2 Timothy 3:1–5 ESV)
I’m thankful for verses like these that clearly state to avoid abusive people. But how to avoid them and exactly how this is carried out in our daily realities are so very complex. It’s impossible to put a broad sweeping formula on top of hard relationships. There are so many factors that must be sorted out with people trained to recognize danger and to help lead those in abusive situations to know what to do and how to do it.
Here are some things to consider:
•It is good to have wise people speaking into our lives and to process life concerns with godly mentors and trusted friends. Here’s a good verse to help discern people of wisdom in your life:
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (James 3:13–18 ESV)
•These trusted friends and godly mentors speaking wisdom into our lives can help us recognize behaviors that cross the line and should be brought to the attention of a professional counselor educated on the issues at hand or, in more urgent situations, to the attention of authorities.
If you need to find a professional Christian counselor in your area, both Focus on the Family and the American Association of Christian Counselors have recommendations listed on their websites, or your church may also have a list of trusted Christian counselors they recommend.
Please know, friend, you are loved, you are not alone, and you don’t have to walk through this without help. Remember, the person who is hurting you needs help that only trained professionals can give them. Getting the proper authorities involved isn’t being unloving . . . it’s actually for your safety and theirs.