Chapter 25
Elaine’s Story
She didn’t exactly know where the melodic sounds were coming from, but it was definitely nearby. Elaine turned her head and could hear her own quiet murmurs, but she couldn’t understand the words that were attempting to come out of her own mouth. Yet, the lyrics continued.
“Steal away, steal away, steal away, steal away to Jesus, steal away, steal away, I ain’t got long to stay here.”
Again Elaine tried to speak, but couldn’t. She was thirsty, hungry, tired, and hurting. If she could get the attention of whoever was near her, perhaps she could get some relief from her pain and discomfort. Using all the energy she could muster, Elaine pushed out the loudest groan possible.
The singing stopped and was replaced by a voice. “’Bout time you woke up, child. I been sitting here near ’bout all day long, waiting for you to come to.”
Elaine struggled to open her eyes, but the weight of her eyelids was too heavy. Only darkness surrounded her. “Wa . . . Wa . . . ter.” The word was barely audible, but at least, now she could hear herself speaking. “Water.”
“I got you, I got you,” the woman said.
Elaine could hear the sound of water pouring in a glass, and it was the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard. Her throat felt like it hadn’t been irrigated in ages. It felt like someone had laced it with baby powder, and then shoved in cotton balls to top it off. Footsteps approached her bed, and Elaine knew that relief was only a moment away. She felt the head of her bed raise, and then a strong, but soft hand cradled the back of her neck, lifting her head forward. When she felt the glass touch her lips, Elaine parted them and tried to take in as much of the liquid as she could. The cold liquid felt blissful.
“Got enough, or you want more?” the Good Samaritan asked.
Elaine hated to be a bother, and her mother had raised her on the rule of never accepting anything from people she didn’t know—especially food. But until she could do for herself, Elaine decided that she had no choice but to depend on the kindness of strangers. “M . . . M . . . More.”
“Child, you sho’ ’nuff was thirsty,” the lady said once the contents of the second glassful was drained.
Something about those words and the chuckle that followed sounded oddly familiar to Elaine’s ears.
“Got more if you want it,” the woman offered.
Elaine really did want more, but she responded with a whispered, “No, thanks,” then listened to the sound of scuffling feet as the lady walked away. “Wh . . . Where am I?” Elaine was afraid that if she stopped talking, the kind stranger would leave, and she was too afraid to be left alone right now. Too many unanswered questions. Too many cloudy, mangled, snapshot-type memories.
It sounded like the woman had taken a seat somewhere to the right of her. “Dumb people end up in one of three places, sugar,” she said, taking Elaine by surprise. “The cemetery, the jailhouse, or the hospital. Now I ain’t saying that everybody in them places is dumb, ’cause they ain’t. Not by any means. I’m just saying that them are the places where dumb folks end up. And you been mighty dumb lately, so you in the hospital right now. They brought you in this morning.”
“The hos . . . pital?” Elaine was too healthy for the need of a hospital.
“Uh-huh. Pale as a ghost. Sick as a dog. Skinny as a stick. Dumb as a box of rocks. Laying up in a hospital bed.”
Suddenly, Elaine felt that being left alone wasn’t such a bad option. The only problem was that if she suddenly banned the woman from her presence, she might not get her other questions answered. “Who are you?” She laced the question with as much attitude as she could, but she was just too weak to incorporate the raised voice, the neck roll, and all of the other accessories that would be needed to do the job just right.
“Oh, that’s right,” the lady said. “On top of all that, you ’bout blind as a bat too, ain’t you?” She had a good laugh at Elaine’s expense. “Let me see what I can do to help you out.”
Elaine could hear the woman stand from her chair. If she’d had the strength, when the lady got close enough, she would grab her around the neck and see who would get the last laugh then.
“Let’s see here.” The woman’s hands covered both Elaine’s eyes. Her touch had a soothing, almost medicated type effect, like how Halls cough drops felt to a sore throat.
It felt good, but Elaine was still fuming from all the earlier comments regarding her stupidity. She appreciated the water and all that had been done to help her, but she didn’t know who this woman thought she was. Elaine hadn’t allowed anyone to speak to her in such a tone since . . .
“Ms. Essie!” Elaine yelled, eyes wide with disbelief when the hands that covered them had been removed. She couldn’t believe the figure that stood at her bedside. Elaine’s depleted strength wouldn’t allow for her to bolt from the bed and run through the concrete wall of the room, leaving a gaping hole in the shape of the outline of her body like she’d seen cartoon characters on television do when she was a child.
But her voice had returned, and if she could talk; she could scream. And she did. For what seemed like an eternity, she closed her eyes, braced her head against her pillow, gripped the railings on the sides of her bed, and screamed to the top of her lungs. When she was all yelled out, she opened her eyes to see Essie doubled over with laugher.
“Child, cut that foolishness out,” she said through a sigh as she calmly made her way back to the chair. “Common sense ought to tell you that if I’m here, then something’s going on that ain’t natural. This is God’s doing, girl. Them doctors can’t hear you.”
“Am I dreaming? What’s happening here?” It was then that she took note of her covering. It was the blanket. Her eyes were fixed on the pink and blue weaving that rested on top of her hospital sheets. How did that get here? What on earth was going on? Elaine reached beneath the covers, trying to feel her way through to the cotton fabric of the hospital gown that covered her nakedness.
“Lord have mercy.” Essie sighed. “There you go with all that pinching yourself and going on. Just like Jennifer did. Stop it ’fore you break something. Ain’t no meat there no way. Last thing you need to do is pinch yourself so hard that the skin breaks and a bone come sticking through.”
Elaine felt as though she was genuinely losing her mind. Everything about her current situation felt surreal. All of the wild details blended together to make an even-layered dish of sense and nonsense. She’d never felt so out of it, yet so fully aware at the same time. “What’s going on here, Ms. Essie? You can’t be here. You just can’t. It’s not possible.”
“With God, all things are possible,” the old lady replied, pointing toward the ceiling. “Now, I’m gonna need you to stop trying to figure all this out and listen to what I got to say. I ain’t got long to say it, and you ain’t got long to listen. So, for the next few minutes, I need you to lay quiet and let me do the talking. Deal?”
Elaine nodded. What other options did she have? Agreeing with Essie just seemed like the right thing to do. It seemed like the only thing to do. Elaine’s initial fear had evaporated all of the water that she’d drunk. Swallowing was nearly impossible now. There was no moisture left on her tongue or in her throat.
Like she had some sixth sense, Essie walked back to the cart where the pitcher of water and glasses stood. She filled one of the glasses and walked back to Elaine, handing it to her. This time, Elaine was able to hold her own glass. When she reached for it, she realized that she had a needle inserted in the back of her right hand and another one going into a vein of the opposite arm. Elaine’s eyes trailed the length of the tubes and they led her to bags of liquid that were hanging on metal poles that stood behind her bed.
“Scary sight, ain’t it?” Essie said, pulling Elaine’s attention back to her.
Elaine thought hard. The last thing she could recall was sticking the key to the front door of her home into her shoe and jogging up the street to begin her morning run. How did something that she did every day lead to this?
“Too much exercise and not enough eating will send anybody to the hospital,” Essie said, answering Elaine’s unspoken question. “What’s gotten into you, child? I mean, you always did run. That’s what you were doing the first day I ever spoke to you.” Essie smiled like the memory was a fond one. “Wanting to be healthy is one thing, but you been eating like a squirrel lately. You been exercising more and more and eating less and less. Look at you.” She pulled the covers off of Elaine’s body, then pulled up the hem of the gown so that her slimmer thighs and legs were in full view. “This don’t make no kind of sense, Elaine. You went from being a beautiful, healthy woman to a dried-up bag of bones.”
Elaine reached to try to cover herself, but Essie’s voice stopped her.
“What you trying to hide it for? You worked for this. It ain’t like you been sick or forced to live in some third world country. You actually put on clothes and shoes every morning to go out and work to have this kind of body. What’s wrong with you, child? You trying to kill yourself?”
Every question that Essie hammered out sounded accusing. Elaine didn’t want to answer, and she wasn’t going to. Besides, Essie had asked her to just be quiet and listen; so that alone gave her permission to remain silent.
“Don’t try to get smart with me, girl,” Essie warned.
Clearly, the thoughts in Elaine’s head were somehow being transmitted to Essie’s ears. The old lady always did have an oddly keen sense of hearing, but this . . . this was just too weird.
“Answer me,” Essie insisted. “What are you trying to do?”
This was a battle that Elaine knew she couldn’t win. She had always had a mulish streak, but her stubbornness had never been any match for Essie’s persistence. “I’m not trying to kill myself, Ms. Essie. I just want to do whatever I can to make myself attractive.”
“Attractive to who? Dogs? They the only ones who want bones.”
Elaine smiled. “You’re just saying that to try and make me feel good, Ms. Essie. I’m not skinny and you know it.”
A frown began forming between Essie’s eyebrows and soon covered her entire face. “You think boney is a compliment?”
“I think weight-loss is a compliment, yes. I’m not skinny and I’m not boney. I just want . . . need to lose a few more pounds; that’s all.”
“For what? You can’t weigh over a hundred twenty-five soaking wet. You look worse than them skinny, flat-chested girls on that show ’bout women trying to be big-time models. Half of them look hungry, and the other half look like they need to eat. Society might call it pretty, but it ain’t. Not for them, and it sho’ ain’t pretty for you. You ain’t even built to be like that. God gave you them hips for a reason, child. They ain’t no curse, they’re a blessing. You always been beautiful, Elaine, and you ain’t never been fat. Who got you thinking like this? You used to be so much more confident than this. What done got into you?”
Elaine could feel tears stinging the backs of her eyeballs. Why was Essie torturing her like this? Surely, she already knew the details. That Mason hadn’t touched her in over a year. That she slept alone in the bedroom, while her husband snuggled nightly with the sofa. That she was losing the weight as a desperate last attempt at making her husband desire her again. God had probably told Essie all of that before He sent her down, or whatever had transpired to bring this dead woman back to life and into Elaine’s hospital room.
Essie’s heart must have softened at the sight of the stream that trickled down Elaine’s cheeks, because she returned Elaine’s covers back to their rightful place, then lowered the bedrail and sat on the side of the mattress. Elaine thought that Essie was going to start one of her lectures, but the old lady said nothing. All Essie did was cover Elaine’s right hand with her left and sat in silence. Her hand was as soft as butter, and her brown eyes radiated kindness as they locked on Elaine and remained there. Without verbalizing, Essie seemed to be telling Elaine that everything was going to be all right. That she was there to listen and to help. That she wasn’t leaving until she knew Elaine was okay.
“Ever since the morning after, things have been a mess, Ms. Essie.” Elaine used her free hand to dry her cheeks.
“The morning after?”
“The morning after you died.”
“Oh. I see.” Essie squeezed Elaine’s hand and smiled. “It ain’t really dying when you got Jesus, you know. It’s living. As a matter of fact, it’s life eternal. Imagine beautiful weather every day. Peace and happiness every day.” Essie stood from the bed and twirled around like a ballerina. “No more sickness. No hurts. No pains.” She spread out her arms, and her eyes took on a far away gaze. “Everywhere you look, it ain’t nothing but good people. Ain’t no killin’ and stealin’, ain’t no cussin’ and fussin’. Just good people lovin’ God and lovin’ each other. Angels singin’, music playin’, people worshippin’. No loneliness, no sorrow, no judgin’.” Essie looked back at Elaine and chuckled as she approached the bed again. “No wonder my Ben left me so early to go there. I can’t blame him one bit.”
The words struck a chord in Elaine, forcing her to face a reality that she’d never before admitted to herself or anyone else. “Then maybe I did wanna die.” New tears threatened her eyes. “I think I did. I mean, I didn’t know that I was trying to kill myself, but maybe I was. I’m just so tired of being judged. Tired of being in pain. Tired of being rejected. If I die and go to heaven, then I won’t have to worry about any of those things.”
“Child, if you kill yourself, going to heaven is the thing that you ain’t gonna have to worry about doin’.”
Elaine pressed her thumb and her middle finger in the corners of her eyes. She just couldn’t win for losing. Living or dead, she was doomed to hell.
“Talk to me ’bout you and Mason.” Essie straightened out the blanket that she’d knitted with her own hands. “What’s been going on ’tween the two of you?”
“Nothing, Ms. Essie; that’s what’s been going on between us. Absolutely nothing.” Elaine became annoyed at the thought of it. “I might as well be dead. As far as Mason is concerned, I am.”
“That’s not true, baby. He’s just—”
“Yes, it is!” Elaine was fed up with people making excuses for her husband. “I know I messed up, Ms. Essie. I know I did. And I admit that I deserved to be punished. One month, sure.
Two months, maybe. Three months, understandable. But a whole year? A whole year of sleeping in separate rooms? A whole year of no touching, no kissing, no lovemaking? Mason might as well have divorced me. I can’t tell you how many days I’ve wished he had.”
“Hush your mouth, girl.”
“I mean it, Ms. Essie.” Elaine wiped more tears. “I would have felt lonely and abandoned for a while, but so what? I feel that way anyway. I would have wallowed in pity and soaked in guilt for a while, but so what? I do that anyway. I would have missed having him lying beside me at night, but so what? I’m sleeping by myself anyway. If he had left me, at least by now I might have been able to get over him. Maybe I could have been able to pick up the pieces and move on with my life.”
Essie’s hand was back on top of Elaine’s. “I know it’s hard, honey, but sometimes things aren’t as black and white as they seem. You’re not the only one in torment. Mason’s hurting too.”
“Hurting? Are you kidding me?”
“You don’t think he’s hurting from all this?” Essie searched Elaine’s face. “There ain’t no way for a marriage to go through the changes that yours has without both people being hurt.”
“I know I hurt him, Ms. Essie, but—”
Essie held up her hand. “Time for you to stop talking and just listen again.”
Elaine released a heavy sigh and sank deeper into her pillows.
“I ain’t talking ’bout what happened back then. God forgave you for that a long time ago. He ain’t punishing you, and Mason ain’t trying to punish you either, sugar.”
That was the same message that Angel tried to relay to her. Elaine found it hard to accept then, and she found it hard to accept now. “Then what is it about?”
“You and Mason need to talk, Elaine. Ain’t nothing ever gonna be solved if y’all don’t sit down and talk it out. Pray and talk. That’s what y’all need to do. You ’round here killing yourself, running for miles, half-eating, making yourself vomit . . .”
Elaine’s eyes widened. She didn’t think anyone knew. Essie kept talking like she hadn’t even noticed Elaine’s reaction.
“You doin’ all this ’cause y’all ain’t talked. If you talk to Mason, you’ll find out that he prefers you the other way. With some meat on your bones.”
“I doubt it, Ms. Essie. He didn’t touch me when I was that way either.”
“But it ain’t had nothing to do with your size.” Essie stood from the bed and paced for a moment. “When he was looking at you funny the other day, when he said you needed to do something about your weight, he was trying to tell you that you were losing too much; not that you were fat.”
Using her hands for stability, Elaine tried to pull herself up. “What?”
“You would know that if you talked to him.”
Mason thought she was too thin? She never would have guessed. Had she known that, she would have handled things a whole lot different. Why wouldn’t he just say that if that’s what he thought? Why did she have to be the one to talk? Why couldn’t it be Mason’s responsibility to get the ball rolling? “What about him?” Elaine blurted. “Why can’t he come talk to me? When did starting a conversation become my responsibility?”
“Child, women been the ones doing the most talking in marriages since the beginning of time. God made us to be better communicators. More expressive. More open. Men don’t talk as much as us. They show everything through . . . well, they’re more physical creatures.”
Elaine let out a grunt and rolled her eyes. That sure didn’t sound like Mason. He hadn’t made a move to be physical with her in forever.
“And I can’t believe you been sitting by for a year without confronting your husband ’bout this.”
“I promised that I would give him time. That I’d be understanding and patient.”
Essie propped her hands on her hips. “Did you promise him you’d be a fool too?”
Elaine leaned back against her pillows again. Nobody understood her plight.
“Sugar, you listen to me and you listen good,” Essie said, approaching the bedside once more. “This ain’t about pointing fingers, ’cause if the marriage falls apart, it ain’t gonna matter whose fault it was. Besides, if the whole truth be told, ain’t neither one of y’all doin’ what you s’posed to be doing. Ain’t y’all learned nothing from experience?”
Confusion etched its way onto Elaine’s face. What kind of experience was Essie hinting at? Elaine had never been in this position before. There was no history to draw from.
“It might be a different situation, but it’s being brought on by the same problem,” Essie said, challenging Elaine’s thoughts. “Both of y’all acting just like you did back yonder when you fooled around and messed wit’ that other boy.”
Elaine turned her face toward the window in protest. She didn’t need to be reminded of her past sins.
“Think about it,” Essie said, apparently disregarding Elaine’s nonverbal attempt to shut out her words. For added effect, she walked around to the other side of the bed so that she was in Elaine’s view once again. “Back then, Mason was dealing with issues and so were you. Remember?”
She did, but Elaine chose not to answer.
“Everybody knew ’bout your problems ’cept Mason, and everybody knew ’bout his problems ’cept you,” Essie pointed out. “ ’Fore you knew anything, Mason was trying to soothe his pain by buying expensive cars and hanging out with the wrong friends, and you was scratching your itches with some other man’s fingernails.”
Elaine frowned. She wasn’t particularly fond of Essie’s choice of analogy.
“All of that could’ve been avoided if the two of you had just talked to each other and told each other what you were dealing with. Do you see what I’m getting at, child?”
Elaine remained silent.
“A few minutes ago, you was telling me about the morning after. But something else happened the morning after too. God extended another chance to you and Mason. Your marriage was all but over, but God used my going away to put y’all back together.” Essie glanced toward the ceiling, like she was getting her words directly from heaven. “When I was here, it had got to where you would lean on me. You’d talk to me. Tell me ’bout your hurts and pains.” A smile stretched her lips. “I needed to go so you could lean on him. Mason. Your husband. And you did. He became your rock, and he comforted you on the days you was hurting real bad. I had to go so you could see how much that boy loves you. He proved it by sticking by you in spite of what had happened. For his own reasons, Mason was distant from you for a certain time during your marriage, and that was the excuse you used to run out and bring truth to that old seven-year-itch theory, but he was there for you when you needed someone the most.”
Elaine released a soft sigh. “You’re right.” She had to give credit where credit was due. “Mason was very much there for me. From the time you took your last breath, he was right by my side. Talking to me. Praying for me. Sometimes crying with me. We even rededicated our lives back to God on the same Sunday.”
“I know. See?” Essie exclaimed. “That’s exactly what I’m talkin’ ’bout.”
“But Ms. Essie, that’s no more than any good friend would do. I could have gotten Angel to do any of those things for me.” Elaine noticed the sparkle in Essie’s eyes at the sound of Angel’s name, but she wanted to keep the subject on her and Mason. Besides, she wasn’t finished making her point. “Mason and I weren’t the only two to come to Christ that Sunday. Jennifer walked to the altar right along with us. Don’t get me wrong. I thank God that Mason was there for me as a friend, but I already had friends. What I really needed him to be was my husband. He wasn’t my husband on those days when I yearned to be held, caressed, kissed, made love to.” Elaine wiped away a new tear. “He wasn’t there for me as a husband then, and he hasn’t been there as a husband at any time since.”
Essie looked at her watch like she was pressed for time. “I wish I could just tell you everything you need to know ’bout Mason, sugar, but that ain’t the way God wanted it to go. He sent me here to point you in the right direction. After that, it’s all up to you.”
If that was supposed to be some kind of hint, Elaine wasn’t sure that she was getting it. She shook her head from side to side, needing more information, but wondering if Essie had enough time to supply it.
“The right direction is to talk to him,” Essie urged. “Don’t just sit by talkin’ ’bout you promised to be patient. You have been patient, Elaine. Can’t nobody accuse you of not keeping that promise. But now, it’s time to talk. Just like there were deeper reasons why he was distant back then, there are reasons now. And if he ain’t got the guts to come to you and talk about it, then you go to him.”
Elaine stared at the blanket that covered her lap, wondering how she could bring up the subject of her need for intimacy to Mason without upsetting him. She didn’t know how she could do it without him seeing it as a broken promise.
“Pray,” Essie stressed. “Then talk.”
Elaine lay in silence. Pondering.
“No excuses, baby.” Essie bent forward and kissed Elaine’s forehead. “Now, you get yourself some sleep so when you wake up, you can have a fresh mind.”
Elaine looked up at Essie, blinking her eyes and wondering why she was all of a sudden becoming fatigued. “Thank you, Ms. Essie.”
“If you really want to thank me, you’ll do one thing for me.”
Elaine yawned. “Talk to Mason?”
Essie chuckled. “That too. But I was talkin’ ’bout something different.” She tapped the blanket. “Jennifer put this over you when she came by to visit on her lunch break. I need you to give it to Angel the first chance you get.”
Fingering the knitted yarn, Elaine said, “You’re not gonna be here when I wake up, are you?”
“I’m always here, sugar,” Essie reassured. “I’m always here.”