“The scariest thing about distance is you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget about you.”― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
went up to my room and pulled my journal out again to write some more passages for Leigh’s eulogy. I talked about brownies, John Hughes movie nights, and Pepto Bismol pink bedrooms. I did my best to capture on paper who my friend was when we were growing up and how relentless she was in trying to keep us connected. I pushed her away time and time again. But she never gave up.
The words started to swim around the page as my eyes got heavy. It didn’t take too long before I drifted off to sleep.
The sound of an engine was my alarm clock the next morning. Benny’s Jeep was warming up outside. I didn’t even hear him come in last night and he was already leaving this morning. Slowly cracking open my eyes, I could see the morning sunlight coming through my windows. It was 6:30. This was sleeping in to him. I rolled my eyes and groaned, then put my head under the pillow until I heard the tell-tale crunch of tires on gravel as Benny drove down our long driveway.
Rolling over and fluffing the pillows, I tried to curl up and go back to sleep but it was a lost cause. My mind was already awake and thinking about everything that had happened the past couple of days; all the people I had reconnected with and all the people I still had yet to see. With a sigh, I flung the covers back and got up in the cold room. The mornings were still chilly though soon enough the sweltering Virginia heat and humidity would blanket everything in its suffocating embrace. I tried to remember that while I cursed the cold air as I pulled clothes out and quickly dressed.
Running had felt good yesterday so I was going to start the day that way again. I put on my running shoes and pulled my top blanket up on my bed, covering the knotted-up sheets underneath. That was my version of making the bed. It drove Benny crazy. His bed was made with such precision, the strictest military drill sergeant would have been proud.
Within twenty minutes I was back at Jack’s field parked outside the gate. My car had never looked or run so well. Uncle Rob and Benny had put new tires on it and gave it a much-needed tune up and probably new brakes. I needed to do something for them to say thank you. Plus, I hadn’t seen Uncle Rob yet since I’ve been back. If I was being honest with myself, I had been avoiding him. I got nervous in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about going to see him; he would not let me off the hook as easily as Benny and Ruby had.
Uncle Rob had been there for us since we were born and did everything he could to support us after our parents died. The last conversation I had with him before I left hadn’t gone well. He was the only person who called me on my bullshit attitude and didn’t treat me with kid gloves.
“You know you aren’t the only one around here that lost your parents,” Uncle Rob yelled. I was sitting at the kitchen table in our house while Uncle Rob paced around the small room waiting on the coffee pot to finish its percolations. It was about 4 a.m. and Benny was on his way back home from being out looking for me. They’d both been looking since about two, when Benny realized my car wasn’t in the driveway. Uncle Rob found me driving through downtown Harrisonburg. The streets had been empty, all the businesses closed, and the homes dark. The sound of a loud car horn had broken the silence. Looking in the rearview mirror, I saw my uncle’s truck on my bumper. Not caring about the double lines, he pulled up beside me, rolled down his passenger window and pointed to the side of the road, yelling to me to pullover.
When I came to a stop on the side of the road, Uncle Rob came around to my driver’s side window. “Tess, what are you thinking?” Not waiting on any type of response, he walked out in the middle of the empty street and started pacing. He looked like he was literally about to pull his hair out. After a couple of deep breaths, he stopped pointed at me. “Get your ass home or, so help me, that car of yours will be nothing more than a shitty lawn ornament by the time I’m done with it.”
He followed me on my bumper the entire way home and started yelling as soon as we got in the house.
“You know your brother and me open the shop in less than three hours. People depend on us to be there. We have jobs scheduled that need to be completed so people can have their cars when they need them. That’s part of being a responsible adult. You are not a kid anymore, Tess. You leave for college in two weeks. You need to grow up. Your brother had to grow up and take on huge responsibility and it’s about time you did your fair share too.”
My uncle had a point. I should feel bad because he and my brother would be exhausted today at work. I could already see the bags under my uncle’s eyes. But, I didn’t feel any guilt. I didn’t feel anything except for maybe a little thankful that he would have to leave soon to get ready for work.
Remembering that last encounter with him got my heart racing faster than the light jog I was doing around the field warranted. I would have to face him. The longer I avoided him, the harder it was going to be. Uncle Rob was a good man, but he wasn’t an easygoing man. He wasn’t afraid to call people on being an asshole and he wouldn’t just let it go if you hurt him or worse, someone he cared about. I didn’t want our first encounter to be at Leigh’s funeral.
With a sigh, my jog slowed to a walk. I would go to the shop today. It would take more than one visit and one conversation to get right with Uncle Rob again, but I needed to start somewhere. The business plan would be a good excuse because it was a valid one. Maybe it would give us something to focus on and discuss without getting into the past right away.
Even if Uncle Rob let me change the focus today, he wouldn’t let the past go forever. He would want to hash it out and get some explanations. The problem is, I don’t know if anything I said would be good enough. He cared for Benny and me like we were his own kids and when I left like I did, I know I hurt him worse than almost anyone ever had.
I was walking around the field, lost in thought, picking at some stray long grass along the border of the fence when I heard a truck door.
Jack’s truck was parked next to my car and he was climbing over the fence. The sun was shining on him as he walked towards me, highlighting the blond in his light brown hair. He hadn’t shaved and was showing at least two or three days of beard on his face. His wasn’t a fashion statement like you see on movie stars or in magazines; spring was a busy time on the farm. He just hadn’t had the time or energy to shave. On purpose or not, he did look good.
There were still traces of the boy I grew up with in his face, but he only showed up here and there in a grin or a quick laugh. Otherwise, the boy Jack was gone. He was a man now. You’d have to be dead or close to it not to notice that he carried himself like a man with strength and confidence.
“Hey, I was driving by and saw your car,” he said as he got closer.
“Hey,” I said as he started walking next to me. My mind was racing a little bit. It used to be perfectly natural for Jack to show up at the field when he knew I would be running, but we lost that comfortableness a long time ago. “Where are you headed?” I asked before things could get awkward.
“I’m going to get some feed for the horses and pick up some deworming meds for the cows. What are you up to today?”
“Ha, I was just thinking about that.” I stopped walking and looked out over the field.
Jack leaned back against the fence, calm and relaxed, and waited on me to go on. I felt a tinge of jealousy that he knew what he was doing today, that he was sure about his relationships with his friends and family, that he knew who he was and his place in the world.
“Benny and Uncle Rob fixed up my car. I need to go by the shop and thank them and maybe get started on the business plan for Benny,” I said after a minute. “I think Benny meets with the small business loan guy at the bank next week.”
“Have you seen Rob since you’ve been back?” Jack asked.
“No.” I couldn’t hold back the long sigh that escaped.
Jack looked at me and his expression said it all. It was a mix of “I’m not sure that’s a good idea” and “good luck with that”.
“Thanks, I know how well this is going to go,” I said with a little laugh.
Jack smiled. “He’s your uncle and he loves you. You guys can work through this, it just may take some time.”
We started walking again and headed back to the fence gate.
“So did you stop just to say hi?” I asked.
“No, my folks heard you’re back,” he said. “They asked about you and if I’d seen you.”
The swarm of bees known as anxiety that seemed to have a permanent residence in my stomach perked up. Another person I wasn’t sure I was ready to face was Jack’s mom. Jenny Hallowell cared for me like I was one of her own and was thrilled when Jack and I started dating in high school. And then I broke his heart and humiliated him at his senior prom. Jesus may forgive but a mother doesn’t forget. In a place where we all went to church together, school together, the same Walmart together, Mrs. Hallowell managed to avoid seeing or speaking to me after that night. I haven’t seen her since she took our picture standing on the front porch before we left to go to the prom all those years ago.
“Oh.” I grabbed another blade of long grass to have something to do with my hands. “How is everyone?”
“Doing good. TJ is taking over more and more of the business end of running the farm. Dad and Mom are actually travelling more and leaving the farm to us to take care of. We’re expanding into the horse business now.”
“TJ convinced your dad?” I remembered Mr. Hallowell had always been dead set against getting into the business of breeding, training, and selling horses. Said it was a money pit and quick way to end up bankrupt. He and TJ would argue about it all the time.
“Well, not quite. It was Max,’” he said.
“Max?”
“Yep,” he sighed as we reached the gate where his truck and my car were parked.
We both climbed over the fence like we always did, instead of bothering with opening the gate. Jack opened the door to the cab of his truck and pulled out a thermos. Then he put the tailgate down to sit on and poured some coffee in the thermos lid. I sat beside him and drank some when he passed the lid to me.
“Max ran off about three years ago. Him and Dad had a big blow-up fight because Max wanted to try riding in the rodeo circuit.”
“The rodeo?” I said with a little bit of disbelief.
“It has always been a dream of his. Not that he told any of us that. I knew he loved horses, loved riding but never imagined that’s what he wanted to do. You wouldn’t know it by the way he acts, but he’s a very private person underneath it all.”
Max Hallowell was always the life of the party type of guy. Friendly, cute, charming, and well-liked, he always had a joke ready to break the ice or lighten someone’s mood. He was the guy you thought was going to have a blessed, easy-going type of life. He had the same pressures of working on the farm and keeping the family business going as everyone else in the Hallowell clan, but it never seemed to get to him. He rolled with the punches and never seemed to take anything seriously.
“I guess he decided one day that he was going to give it a shot. He told my parents he needed some time away from the farm and was going to South Dakota. He met some guys that were amateur riders and they got some jobs on a ranch out there. In exchange for work, they would get room and board and to train for rodeo competitions. He had already competed in some amateur competitions and didn’t tell any of us.”
“Holy crap. I don’t think I ever, in a million years, would’ve imagined Max doing that,” I said.
“It took us all by surprise. Mom was fit to be tied when he left. She had it in her head he was going to get himself killed. Dad wasn’t much better. He told Mom “if the boy wants to get his head kicked in by a damn horse, who are we to stop him?” he said trying to mimic his father’s deep, baritone voice. “It was not a good time in the Hallowell house.”
“I can imagine,” I said. “But, how does this tie into TJ convincing your dad to breed horses?”
“Well, things were tense for a long time around the house after Max left. He would call and let us know how he was doing. Eventually, Dad and Mom calmed down. It did not thrill them, but I think they were trying their best to live with it. Mom hung the schedule for his competitions on the refrigerator and we would all take turns leaving the farm to go see him and watch him compete. Things were alright for a while.” Jack paused as he took a gulp of coffee from the thermos lid. “Then, he got hurt. He got hurt bad.”
“He was competing in Arizona. None of us were able to make it to that one. He got thrown off the bronco and landed badly. He had a concussion, and he was kicked and trampled by the bronco before they could get it away from him. He had broken ribs and an arm, multiple contusions, and torn abdomen and groin muscles.”
“Mom and Dad flew to Arizona to be with him in the hospital. TJ, Nick, and me had to stay behind and keep the farm going. Dad made a deal with Max in the hospital. Give up the rodeo and we would get into the horse business. Max could be up to his eyebrows in horses if that’s what he wanted but no more rodeo.”
“Wow, I guess I can see why he changed course if he thought it would help keep Max home and safe,” I said. “Did it bother TJ at all, the way it came about?”
“No, Dad called TJ first before he talked to Max. Dad said Max was in rough shape and it would be a long recovery. He and Mom couldn’t handle watching him go through recovery to turn around and go right back to the rodeo. He said Mom was ready to hog tie Max and lock him in the cellar if she had to. Dad thought getting into horses might be a more effective way to keep Max around. TJ was immediately on board and started looking into what they would need to do to get started.”
“Your parents are pretty awesome.”
“Yes, they are,” he said, nodding his head. “Yours were too”.
“I know.”
He hopped off the tailgate. “And Benny’s not half bad,” he said with a smile.
I smiled back. “He’s got some good points.”
I handed the thermos lid to Jack and hopped down. He would need to get going. He’d probably already stayed longer than he planned. Jack closed up the tailgate and paused, resting his arms on the back of the truck. It seemed like he was trying to choose his next words. Finally, he turned around and looked at me.
“I missed you. I didn’t realize it until I saw you sitting in your car in front of my house. But, I’ve missed you for years. How can you miss someone without knowing that you are missing them?” he said, more to himself than to me it seemed.
So many emotions swirled in me at that moment that it was hard to figure out what I was feeling. Happy that he had missed me, sad that we lost so many years, nervous about what happened next. It was hard to define.
“I missed you too Jack. For so long, I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for the way I handled things, the way I ended things, and the way I ran away and didn’t look back.”
Jack moved forward and wrapped his arms around me in a hug, and I laid my head on his chest.
“No more apologies, at least not to me,” he replied. “I’m not sure where we go from here. I can’t pretend to know all the answers. But one thing I do know is we have to put the past behind us. So, from this point forward, you’ve apologized for the past and I’ve forgiven you. It’s done, as far as I’m concerned. And now, you and I can take it a day at a time and see where things go, good friends like we always were or possibly something more if that’s what we both end up wanting.”
“Does that sound good to you?” he asked, pulling away so he could look me in the eyes.
“Yes, it sounds perfect. I need to figure out some things for myself before trying to do anything more with us right now than rebuild our friendship,” I said. After a moment’s hesitation, I quietly added, “but, I like leaving the door open for something more.”
“Me too,” he said. He walked around and got into his truck and started it.
“You know my family is going to be at Leigh’s funeral,” he said. “Maybe you should come by the house and see them. It’s going to be a hard enough day without the added stress of worrying about running into my mom.”
And there go the bees again. The thought of facing Jack’s mom was going to give me a panic attack.
“I don’t think it’s going to go as bad as what you’ve built it up to be in your head,” Jack said. “Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight?”
“But, Benny,” I started but Jack cut me off.
“Bring Benny too. It might make it a bit more comfortable for you to have him there, and we always have more than enough food.”
I grew up with Jack and have known his family almost as long as I’ve known my own. They were an extension of me. I knew coming back and making things right with the people that I pushed away the hardest would not be easy. But it was going to be worth it to get back what I had lost.
“Okay,” I said after a moment. “I’m going to the shop later and I will see if Benny can come too. I’ll text you and let you know.”
“Sounds good. The dinner bell is at 8 p.m., as always,” he said as he shifted the truck in reverse.
I nodded and stepped away as he backed the truck up and turned around. He waved and pulled out onto the road.
The sun was high in the blue sky as I got in my car and started it. The morning was already getting warmer, and I looked forward to the day despite my anxiety over trying to clear the air with Uncle Rob and the rest of the Hallowell’s. This had been a long time coming and it felt like a weight was slowly lifting off my chest. I was finally facing everyone I cared about. They were going to be part of my life again. And maybe they were what I had been missing all these years.
The shadow that blanketed my happiness was that Leigh wasn’t here to see it. I would never get the chance to make things right with her. But, the one thought that comforted me was that I really didn’t need to. Leigh stuck by me with a relentlessness that bordered on obsession. She refused to be pushed away. She was the one person I kept the door cracked for over the years. Losing her left a hole in my life that will always be there, but I know I will live with it better by keeping the people I care about most in my life. So, with these thoughts going through my head, I headed home to start my day.