“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”― Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
Rob’s shop. It was only 9:30 but Benny and Uncle Rob had already been at work for hours at that point and would be ready for some coffee. I grabbed the drink holder that held three cups of steaming coffee firmly in place with a pile of creamers and headed inside.
When I stepped through the door, it was like going back in time. Everything was the same as I remembered it. A bell jingled as the door closed behind me. The competing scents of grease, coffee, and the lemon cleaner that Uncle Rob used to clean the waiting area assaulted me. The white tile floor had scuff marks in the same places, the service desk was still a bright shade of turquoise blue that Uncle Rob hated but never got around to changing, and an old couch with cracked vinyl cushions sat against one wall facing an old television hanging on the opposite wall.
“Be right there,” my uncle yelled, his voice coming through the door behind the service desk that led to the garage. I glimpsed him standing next to a minivan he had up on the car lift. He looked a lot grayer than I remembered, but otherwise he hadn’t changed. Never a big man, he was about a foot shorter than Benny and dressed in one of the collared, short-sleeve polo shirts that he bought for the shop, a pair of jeans, and work boots. Uncle Rob wore a version of this same outfit every day, working or not. The only thing that changed was the color of the polo shirt. I smiled. It was comforting to know that he hadn’t changed.
He was talking to Benny, who was changing the van’s tires. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it seemed to be a happy, relaxed conversation. Uncle Rob patted Benny on the shoulder and headed my way. When he looked up and saw me, he stopped for a second and his expression almost brought me to tears. He went from surprised to happy to a mixture of angry and sad all in the blink of an eye.
I walked around the service desk and into the garage and set the coffees on the workbench that ran along the wall.
“Hi Uncle Rob,” I said. He didn’t answer. I tried to hold his gaze but couldn’t. I looked behind him and saw Benny watching us. He gave me a smile and went back to working on the van.
Pulling my eyes back to my uncle, I fumbled for words. “I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t fix anything, but I am sorry for how I behaved, for making you worry, and for running off like I did.”
“You didn’t just runaway Tess, you stayed away,” he said.
“I know. But I’m back now. I won’t run off like that ever again. Promise,” I said firmly, looking him in the eyes. I needed him to know I meant it. The only problem was that even as I said the words, the job offer I still hadn’t followed up on flashed through my head. The incredible offer that would take me far away from the people that I was becoming increasingly more desperate to reconnect with and have back in my life.
For what felt like an eternity, he stood there, and I began to wonder if he could read my mind. I wouldn’t have been surprised. But then he closed the distance between us and pulled me in for a hug. I sighed with relief and a little more weight lifted off my chest. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Me too,” I said.
Benny walked over. “One of those coffees mine?”
“Yes, right, coffee,” I said. I let Uncle Rob go and began passing out my coffee peace offerings.
“Uncle Rob, here’s black with a little bit of cream. Benny, black with a little bit of sugar.” I handed each of them their cup.
“And yours that is cream and sugar with a little bit of coffee,” Benny joked.
“Ha ha.” I rolled my eyes. “I actually take it the same as Uncle Rob now.”
We grabbed some stools to sit on and it got quiet as we each enjoyed that first glorious sip. The first sip of coffee is always the best.
“You guys busy today?” I asked, trying to start the conversation.
“Yeah, we have a few jobs lined up,” Uncle Rob responded. “We keep a pretty steady stream of work going most days.”
“Benny said you are retiring?”
Uncle Rob shrugged. “Not entirely. I’ll still be around to help Benny, but I don’t want to run the place anymore. Time to let someone else take the reins.” He clapped Benny on the shoulder. The pride he felt for my brother was clear. A tinge of jealousy washed over me, but I quickly dismissed it. I had no right to feel jealous. I used to be close to my uncle too and would be again. The door had opened. It would just take a little more time to get back to where we once were.
“We need to work on your business plan,” I told Benny. “You meet with the small business guy at the bank next week.”
Benny nodded. “I’ve been jotting down some ideas like you asked. I’ll finish today and bring it home tonight.”
“Benny’s got high hopes for this place. I have to admit, I’m curious to see what he does with it,” Uncle Rob said. “He got us into fixing up and customizing old cars after we close up for the day. He’s been showing some at local shows and has even sold a few.”
“Benny, that’s great!” I was truly excited for my brother. This was something he loved to do. Benny and my dad kept our old truck running for years. It’s not that we couldn’t afford to get a new one; it was just something they enjoyed doing. Benny was always fixing up old tractors and lawn mowers for our friends and neighbors when we were growing up. He made some good money doing it.
“There is a salvage yard off Airport Road that’s become Benny’s favorite hangout. If he’s not here or at home, you can find him there,” Uncle Rob told me.
“Actually, that’s part of the business plan,” Benny said. “Bryan is looking to sell.”
“You want to buy the salvage yard?” Uncle Rob asked with surprise.
Benny nodded. “Yep, I do,” he said with assurance. “That’s why I spend so much time there. I’m doing an inventory of everything Bry has and learning the business from him. It would tie in well with the plans I have for here.”
Uncle Rob was quiet for a minute, like he was debating whether to say what was on his mind. He usually didn’t hesitate too long before telling you what he thought.
“I’m glad you got plans Benny, and I’ll do what I can to support you; but be careful you don’t bite off more than you can chew.”
“I won’t,” Benny said calmly.
Uncle Rob drank his coffee in an effort to stop himself from saying more, I thought. I sipped my coffee to hide my smile while I watched him wrestle with figuring out how much he should say. He usually wasn’t so torn about whether to provide his opinion. I imagine he was worried about Benny getting in over his head, but he also wanted to be supportive and believe in him.
Fortunately, I knew a great way to change the subject and take some focus off Benny.
“Are you busy tonight?” I asked Benny.
“Not really. There isn’t anything I have to get done tonight,” he said. “Why? What’s up?”
“Jack asked us to have dinner. At his house. With his family. That would include his mom.” I suddenly became very interested in the coffee cup in my hand. I could only imagine what Uncle Rob and Benny were thinking. If Jack’s mom was the Russian fighter, Ivan Drago, in Rocky IV, I was Apollo Creed. Doomed from the get-go.
“Dinner at the Hallowell’s. It’s been a while since we’ve done that,” Benny said.
“Jack thought it would be a good idea before Leigh’s funeral. Maybe clear the air. He thought I might be more comfortable if you’re with me, so I have someone in my corner.”
“The Mickey to your Rocky?” Uncle Rob joked, somehow reading my mind—again!-about how I was picturing this night would go.
“I don’t think Jenny Hallowell is going to take a swing at me,” I said dryly. Though, I couldn’t entirely rule it out.
“Is Jack not in your corner?” Benny asked a little pointedly.
“He is,” I said. “We met up this morning and talked. It was good. I think we put a lot of what happened before to bed. It’s just that you know the whole family, too. You’re friends with his brothers, and Mr. and Mrs. Hallowell love you. It might help relieve any tension there might be between me and them to have you there.”
“Well, when you put it that way, it sounds like loads of fun,” Benny said sarcastically. He got up from the stool and tossed his cup across the garage into the trash. “I should get back to work.”
“Benny, please,” I pleaded. I was not above begging at this point. I did not want to go to this dinner by myself.
Benny rubbed his hand over his head with a sigh. “Fine,” he said with resignation. “Jack’s right. It would be best to see them before you run into them at the funeral. That’s going to be a hard enough day without adding that kind of drama.”
“I know,” I said, while standing up. The kidding around and happy feeling in the room vanished at the mention of Leigh’s funeral. “I better get going. I’m going to stop in at the Shays again to check on them, and then work on the eulogy.”
“Yeah, we better get back to work,” Uncle Rob said, giving me another hug. “Don’t worry about tonight. Jenny may have been upset about how things ended with you and Jack, but she also knows what you were going through then. I think she will be better than you think.”
“Thanks, Uncle Rob. I hope you’re right.” When he tried to turn away, I held on just a little longer. I had missed him so much. He put his arms back around me and held me.
“Dinner at 8?” Benny asked.
“Always,” I replied. I finally let Uncle Rob go as Benny went back to the van.
“We’re good honey.” Uncle Rob smiled.
I smiled back and nodded. “I’ll see you later.”
After leaving the garage, I racked my brain about what to do as I drove to the Shays house. I was beginning to feel more and more at home with each passing day. And, despite the grief I had over Leigh’s death, a feeling of genuine happiness and comfort that I hadn’t felt in a long time was starting to take residence inside me. I didn’t want to lose it. But, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity that Vito got for me on a silver platter.
I sighed as I pulled to a stop in front of the Shay’s house. Still completely undecided about what to do, I climbed out of the car. The front door was open with just the screen door shut to keep bugs out. I took that as a good sign.
I lightly knocked on the screen door. Mrs. Shay peeked through the kitchen and waved me in. Taking a quick look around as I walked through the living room into the kitchen, I noticed the blinds were open and the room was tidy and inviting.
Mrs. Shay came up to me as I entered the kitchen.
“Hi Tess,” she said as she gave me a hug. The hug lasted for a while. I think longer than she intended. I didn’t comment or complain. She could close her eyes and hug me and maybe for a split second it would feel like hugging Leigh.
When she pulled back, I could see her eyes watering even though she tried to quickly turn toward the counter to pour me some coffee. I gave her some space and sat down at the kitchen table. She brought a cup of coffee over both of us and sat down.
“Where is Mr. Shay?” I asked.
“He had to go by the funeral home with my sister to help with some arrangements,” she replied. “I couldn’t bring myself to go,” she added quietly.
I reached out and squeezed her hand. I made a mental note to swing by the funeral home to see if there was anything I could do to help. We drank our coffee and the only noise in the kitchen was the morning news coming from the small television on the counter.
“Are you hungry?” she asked, getting up. “Let me fix you some eggs.”
“Sure, that sounds good.” I wasn’t particularly hungry, but she needed something to keep her busy.
“So, how long are you in town for?” she asked.
“Oh, well…” I was caught off guard by her question. “Awhile,” I hedged. “I’m back home, living with Benny.”
She stopped what she was doing and looked at me with surprise.
“Really? Why now?” she asked.
I wasn’t going to get into getting fired and then hearing about Leigh and something inside of me just snapping. I tried to figure out how to respond.
“I don’t know,” I finally said. “When I heard about Leigh, I didn’t really think about it. Honestly, it was almost like I was on autopilot. I started packing up my stuff, got in my car, and left. There was nothing keeping me there.”
She nodded and turned back towards the counter and making the eggs.
I drank my coffee, lost in thought. Leigh had tried everything to get me to come home for a weekend. She said I could stay at her house if I didn’t want to go to Benny’s or we could get a hotel room in Harrisonburg and stay there. She promised to be by my side the whole time. Every holiday, she would ask me to come home.
I never did.
“Leigh was always trying to get you to come home,” Mrs. Shay said.
Did all the adults in this town become telepathic while I was away?
“I know. She never gave up on me. She was the best friend anyone could’ve asked for. I wish I had been a better friend to her.”
Mrs. Shay came over and put a plate of scrambled eggs and toast down on the table in front me and then grabbed a plate for herself.
We started eating our breakfast in silence. I don’t think either of us really felt like eating, but it gave us something to do.
“Thank you for breakfast,” I said after a couple of bites.
“You’re welcome.” She put her fork down and sat back in her chair.
“Tess, Leigh loved you. She would never give up on you coming home. I wish it didn’t take her death to get you to finally do it.” Her voice took on a little edge as she got angry.
“I know.” The eggs turned to lead in my stomach. I could understand Mrs. Shay’s anger with me. Or maybe she wasn’t angry with me, just life in general, and needed to get it out.
“You want to come home now and make things right with everyone? My daughter’s funeral is not your excuse,” she said, her voice rising and getting harder.
“Mrs. Shay, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to cause you any more pain, and I’m definitely not using Leigh’s funeral as an excuse to be back. I loved her too. She was the only friend that I would see or stay in touch with over all these years. I promise I’m not trying to disrespect her.”
As she was looking at me, the anger drained away like someone pulled a plug on her. She sat back in her chair; she looked defeated. I preferred her anger.
“I came home because I’ve been doing nothing but surviving all these years. Drifting from one life goal to the next with no real purpose. Checking things off a list. Graduate college, check. Get a job, check. Get an apartment, check. I didn’t hang out with friends or have any real relationships. All I did was work all the time. When I heard about Leigh, something clicked in my head and all I could think about was coming home. I wish I had done it a lot sooner.” I scooted the quickly congealing eggs around on my plate with my fork.
She sighed and dropped her fork on her plate. “I don’t know why I lashed out at you.” She got up and walked over to the stove. Grabbing the pan, she threw it in the kitchen sink and started running water and dumping dish soap on it. She turned off the water but didn’t leave the kitchen sink. Her shoulders started shaking and I could tell she was crying.
Unsure of what to do, I got up and stood next to her. “Please know that I don’t want to do anything to dishonor or take away from Leigh’s memory,” I whispered. “She was my best friend, and I loved her. One of my biggest regrets is how much time I lost with her.”
“She knew you loved her,” Mrs. Shay said. “She wanted to make things better for you, even though I told her many times the only one that could make things better for you was you.”
“You were right.” I grabbed her hand and gently pulled her back to the table to sit down. I picked up our plates and cleaned up the dishes while Mrs. Shay drank her coffee, that had long since gone cold.
After I cleaned the kitchen, I sat down at the table with her again.
“I’m working on Leigh’s eulogy. Do you still want me to give it?”
“Yes, of course I do, Tess,” she said.
“Do you mind if I grab some things from her room?” I asked. “You will get everything back. There are pictures and some mementos I would like to help with the eulogy.”
“Take what you need,” she said, patting my hand.
“Why don’t you go lay down for a little while?”
“No, I don’t feel like laying down anymore.”
“Okay.” I took her cup and got her more coffee and left her sitting in the kitchen.
I went up the split-level stairs and down the hall to Leigh’s bedroom. Stopping outside her room, my hand on the doorknob and my head leaning on the door, I paused and took a deep breath. I had already been in Leigh’s room once, but I didn’t think that meant it was going to be any easier to go in it again.
Finally, I turned the doorknob and slowly opened the door like you would if someone was sleeping and you didn’t want to wake them. God, how I wished that was the case here.
I entered Leigh’s pink room reluctantly. Like an invisible force was making me put one foot in front of the other. Running out of the house to get away as fast I can would not make Mrs. Shay feel any better about me. And I had a job to do. Supporting her parents as much as they would let me and doing a proper job with her eulogy was the last thing I could do for my friend. Running, again, would help no one.
Private pep talk for one done; I took a deep breath and got started. It was time to get what I needed and get to work.