“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained.”― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Boys
the keyboard on my laptop were the only sounds in the tiny house. Everything else was quiet. I sat in the kitchen putting the final touches on the business plan for Benny’s shop and salvage yard. He was meeting with the bank this afternoon about his small business loan and had to present the plan.
Leigh’s funeral was a week ago, and it was only two weeks ago that I was living in Arlington. It felt like a lifetime had passed since I had lost my job, packed up my life, and moved back home. Reconnecting with friends and family, preparing for Leigh’s funeral, helping Benny with his business plan, and debating taking the offer in New York made the past two weeks feel so much longer.
Two days after Leigh’s funeral, I finally called Katrina Lucas about the job offer at Frankie’s restaurant in New York. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. Being back home, I felt like I was finally starting to really live again and have actual connections with people. But, it was because I had changed my mindset, moving to New York shouldn’t change it back. And the job was a hell of an opportunity. If I passed, something like it may never come along again. So, I agreed when Katrina asked me to come see her in Arlington while she was in town. We were scheduled to meet up tomorrow.
Sitting back in the chair, I looked around the tiny kitchen. The fresh light-yellow paint offset light brown, worn wood cabinets above old butcher block counter tops that held my mom’s old clay kitchen canisters and pots that were various bright colors and scattered all over. Some women had tons of shoes or jewelry, my mom collected clay—clay pots, clay canisters, clay vases. She always wanted to learn pottery but life got in the way. Kids, a full-time job, running a small farm with dad, all of it didn’t leave room for much else in the way of hobbies.
Taking a sip of coffee, I brought my head back to the here and now and focused on what I was doing. I continued to scan through the business plan and make some tweaks here and there. It was good. Benny had great ideas and vision for what he could do with the shop and salvage yard. I hoped the bank would see the vision. I had money saved and could help with some of the expense, but it wasn’t enough for everything Benny wanted to do. Uncle Rob kept trying to lower the price of the shop or create a payment plan, but Benny wouldn’t hear of it. Uncle Rob counted on that money for part of his retirement. He needed it. If Benny couldn’t pay him properly for the business, he’d help Uncle Rob sell it to someone who could.
But the shop belonged with Benny. He’d put nearly as much blood and sweat into it as Uncle Rob. “This has to work. The bank has to approve the loan.” I took a deep breath and saved the document.
I stood up to stretch and refresh my coffee when I heard a car coming up the driveway. Benny wouldn’t be back yet, and I wasn’t expecting anyone, but that didn’t stop people from dropping by. It was probably Ms. Ruby. When we were younger, she often came by while she was out running errands, just to check on us or more often to drop something off like some cupcakes she made or once she brought a potted plant that would look “perfect on the porch steps.” That poor plant didn’t have a chance. Benny gave it water out of pity once in a while when it was looking exceptionally brown and dry. I was still young and lost in my head from losing my parents so caring for a potted plant wasn’t happening. One day the poor plant was gone from the steps. I later saw it at Ruby’s house. She had nursed it back to life, and it was thriving there.
A glance out the window revealed a dusty Ford truck parking next to my worn-out Toyota. It was Jack. I wondered what he was doing here. We hadn’t seen each other since Leigh’s memorial though I had been by his house to talk to his mom a couple of times. I enlisted her help to review the business plan and provide any suggestions. She had some great insight, and I was grateful to have her help. But Jack was always out, either working on the farm or his photography.
I opened the kitchen door as he got out of the truck in his normal outfit of worn jeans and an old t-shirt. He’d probably already been working for four or five hours this morning, as evidenced by the dirt he tried to brush off his jeans.
“Hey,” he said as he walked up to me.
“Hey, this is a surprise. What brings you around?”
He snagged my coffee from my hand and drank as he entered the house. “Coffee.”
Smiling and rolling my eyes, I followed him into the kitchen and topped off the coffee in the cup he’d taken and got another cup for myself.
“Okay, you have coffee” I said. “Now, what else brings you around?”
“Well, I wanted to know when we were going out?” he said casually.
“Out.” I repeated, a little taken aback. I know we had talked about seeing where things led when I was at his house for dinner the other night, but we didn’t make any plans to go on a date or anything.
“Out,” he repeated, taking another sip of his coffee.
“When did we decide we were going out?”
“We said we want to see where whatever is still between us goes. Why wait? What did your dad always say? Shit or get off the pot.”
“Charming.”
“And true,” he shot back.
I got the feeling that there was something he wasn’t saying. Something that made this a little more pressing than it had been but he didn’t elaborate.
“Come on Tessie, let’s seize the carp,” he said, looking at me over his cup while he took another sip of coffee. His eyes laughed at his own joke. It was from one of our favorite movies, Out Cold. We’d watched it too many times to count and could probably recite the whole script by heart until the day we died.
“You are quoting a character named Pigpen to get me to go on a date with you,” I said.
“And its working,” he replied.
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t get overconfident.” But, I was smiling.
I enjoyed being able to talk like this with him. I had missed it.
I didn’t want to lose it.
I leaned against the counter, staring at the floor while my coffee got cold in my hand. Jack patiently sat at the kitchen table drinking his like he didn’t have a care in the world and would wait for me to come around to his way of thinking.
“Okay,” I said. “One date and we’ll see how it goes from there.”
“Great, does tomorrow night work?” he asked after he drained the last of his cup, stood and stretched. I admit my insides did a little leap of excitement watching him.
I debated telling him I had a meeting in Arlington tomorrow and seeing if we could wait but then I would have to explain why I had a meeting and with who. For whatever reason, I wasn’t ready to talk about the job offer. I wanted to know more before bringing it up to my friends and family. The meeting was in the morning so I should be back in plenty of time to go to dinner, albeit I would probably be a bit tired.
“Where are you taking me? Hot dogs and fries?” I asked teasingly while he washed his cup and put it in the strainer.
“No, I’m a gentleman. Burgers and fries.” He winked at me as he finished washing his cup and putting it in the strainer. “I’m still working on where we’re going to go. Just be ready around seven.”
“Okay.”
He reached around me to get the towel off the counter and dry his hands. I looked up at him as he stood in front of me. Slowly, I think to give me a chance to duck and run if I wanted, he leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. Then another deeper kiss. One of his hands cupped the back of my head and the other was on my waist. My coffee cup was squished between us.
Damn, I really wished I wasn’t holding that cup.
“See you tomorrow night,” he said, looking into my eyes, then let go of me and walked out the door.
Sitting in the chair he vacated, I stared at my laptop. I didn’t need to go on a date with Jack to see how things would go or if I wanted to take our relationship beyond friendship. I already knew. It had always been Jack for me. I don’t think I ever stopped loving him truly. The feelings may have gone dormant all those years ago but the second I looked in my rear-view mirror the other week and saw him in his truck behind me, they came alive again.
But I couldn’t help wondering if he needed the date to know if he wanted to move forward with me? I sensed there was something he wasn’t saying. Did he really wake up this morning and decide today was the day to figure this out? I had been gone a long time, and we didn’t end things well last time. The circumstances were different but still; it was ugly. Jack said he hasn’t really connected with anyone since then except maybe that grad student who’d moved to Colorado, but that didn’t necessarily mean he was ready to go back down that road with me again either.
“Stop,” I mumbled to myself. “You will drive yourself crazy thinking about this.”
Refocusing my attention back onto the business plan, I read through it again for the millionth time and saved it to a thumb drive. Benny still had the same black and white printer that he bought for me when I was in high school. The thing probably had cobwebs in it from lack of use. I wanted his business plan to be printed in color on good quality paper which I couldn’t do here.
I cleaned my coffee cup, hit the bathroom, and was out the door within a few minutes. I headed to Ms. Ruby’s house to use her printer, and then we had plans to have lunch with Mrs. Shay. The Shays were doing as well as could be expected, I supposed. They were trying to go back to work and get back into a routine, but it was going to take time. I stopped by there on Wednesday evening and the lights were out and the doors locked up tight. It was 6 o’clock and still light outside. Mrs. Shay normally would’ve had the front door open so a breeze could come in through the screen. More often than not she would sit on the porch with a glass of wine talking on the phone with her sister or chatting with neighbors.
It was weird to see the house closed up tight and dark. Their cars were in the carport, so I knew they were home. I called Ruby and told her we had to do something, so she called Mrs. Shay the next day and talked her into having lunch.
The funeral was over. We had laid Leigh to rest. And life kept going. People went back home, back to work, no one forgot Leigh, but they had lives to get back to. It was natural. For me, watching everyone else carry on with their lives had been the hardest part after losing my parents. I felt like my world had stopped, and I didn’t know how to start it back up again. Even worse, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to. I imagined the Shays were feeling the same way. But Leigh wouldn’t want them to spend the rest of their lives in mourning. She would want them to find happiness again. It was going to take time, but we had to start somewhere.
I pulled into Ruby’s drive and parked. She was out front watering her flowers and looked a bit more like her old self. She wore a huge, bright pink woven sun hat that could probably provide shade for a few people, a black shirt with different colored triangles all over it, and a long, flowing green skirt. Her sandals were dark brown with straps covered in multi-colored beads. This was the Ruby I remembered from my childhood.
She waved as I got out of the car. She had on make-up and had pulled her hair back into a smart chignon at the base of her neck.
“Hey honey,” she said as I came up the walk.
“Hey, can I go in and use your printer real quick before we go?” I held up the thumb drive.
“Absolutely. I’ve been praying for Benny. I hope this goes his way. He’s worked so hard all his life. I want him to have this.”
“Me too.” I entered the house, which hadn’t changed that much, though you could see some wear and tear. I guess it would’ve been hard for her to keep up with things when she was so sick; but there were paint swatches on the table, so I had a feeling paint rollers were in my near future.
If I was still around. The thought drifted through my head, but I put it aside. I had a long drive tomorrow, plenty of time to contemplate my future then.
I went onto the little enclosed back porch where Ruby kept her office and stuck the thumb drive in her laptop. After I got the business plan printing, I looked around the small room. There were old pictures hanging on the walls. There was one of Ruby holding me when I was a baby sitting next to my mom with little Benny squeezed in between them. I imagined it was my dad holding the camera for that picture. There was another picture of an older Benny and me eating ice cream outside on Ruby’s back steps. You could watch Benny and me grow up and my parents get older from the pictures on Ruby’s wall. Turning back to the laptop, I picked up the picture that had sat on Ruby’s desk for as long as I could remember. It was one of the few family portraits we had done professionally when I was growing up. I was maybe 10, Benny would’ve been about 13, and Dad had hired a photographer to come to the house and do a family portrait. Mom had decorated a small spruce tree in front of our house with Christmas lights and a bright star. Benny and I sat on a straw bale that was covered in a red plaid blanket while Mom and Dad stood on either side of us with the tree in the background.
I picked up the picture and could feel the familiar ache in my chest that I still got when I thought about my parents and our family the way it once was. The ache wasn’t constant anymore like it was when I was younger, but it would still come around now and then. I had a feeling it always would. But now I had learned how to acknowledge it and then move on with the business of living so it would fade away again until some other thought or memory brought it back.
The printer stopped, and I set the picture back down on the desk. I heard Ruby come back in the house and I went back out into the kitchen to meet her.
“You look great. Is that a new outfit?” I asked.
“Oh, no, I’ve had this for a while but haven’t worn it in some time,” she replied. “I have good news. I just got offered a full-time position at the high school next year teaching senior biology. I cannot wait! Lunch is on me today.”
“That’s great Ruby! I’m so happy for you.” I pulled her into a big hug. This was a big step toward getting her life back. While being so happy for Ruby, I wasn’t sure how much Mrs. Shay would feel like celebrating anything.
Ruby knew what I was thinking. She pulled back from my bear hug and looked me in the eye.
“We have to start somewhere with getting her to remember to live. I’m not even going to pretend to imagine what she’s going through. There is nothing worse in the world than losing a child, but Leigh would want us to make sure her parents are okay. So, that’s what we’re going to do.”
“You’re right. I wish I knew better how to do that, but whatever it takes, we’ll help them through this.”
“You got your printouts? Are you ready to go?”
“Yes.” I held up the business plan. I had made multiple copies, figuring Benny would need more than one at the bank. “Can we swing by the shop so I can drop these off to Benny?”
“Of course, of course, let’s roll,” she said, grabbing her keys.
We pulled up in front of the Shay’s house and parked. Uncle Rob’s truck was in the driveway. He wasn’t at the shop when we dropped the business plan off to Benny. Apparently, he’d been here for a while, according to Benny.
“I didn’t know that Uncle Rob and the Shays were that close of friends.”
“Well, Rob and Patrick were best friends in high school,” Ruby said absently while digging through her purse.
God only knew what she was looking for. The purse was the size of a small suitcase. All of her purses, and she had a fair number, were like that. When I was a kid, I thought she was Mary Poppins. Anything you could want, Ruby could pull out of her purse.
“They were?! How did I not know that for all these years? You never see them together.”
“Well, it’s a long story and happened a long time ago. Truthfully, it’s not my story to tell, but it is a good one,” Ruby said wistfully. It was killing her not to tell me. “Let’s just say there is one thing that will ruin a lifelong friendship every time.” She gave me a “you know what I’m talking about” look.
I thought for a second. “They liked the same girl?”
“Oh, they more than liked. They were both head over heels in love with her. The little trollop,” Ruby said.
“Wow.” I was truly shocked. For one, Ruby never talked bad about anyone, so this girl must have really done a number to have Ruby call her something like that. Two, I guess I was still child-like in how I thought of my family and couldn’t imagine Mr. Shay or Uncle Rob in high school going after the same girl.
And three, “Who says trollop anymore Ruby?” I said jokingly as I got out of the car.
Mrs. Shay opened the screen door before Ruby could reply. “Hi Ruby, hey Tess, come in,” she said.
It seemed like she was trying to seem happier than she actually was, but I would take it. Sometimes, you had to fake it until you make it. But that would only get her so far. She would need friends, family, and maybe even therapy for the rest. Today was a small first step to moving, not so much on, as forward.
Uncle Rob and Mr. Shay sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and laughing over something as we walked in. Despite the laughing, I could tell Mr. Shay had also been crying. His eyes were red and slightly bloodshot. That he hadn’t been getting much sleep lately was a safe assumption.
“Hey Uncle Rob,” I said, leaning over and giving him a quick hug. “What are you guys up to?”
“Oh, just trying out this retirement thing,” Uncle Rob said. “I’m heading to the shop a little later to cover things while Benny’s at the bank. Is he all set with the business plan?”
“Yes, we just came from there. I dropped off seven copies.”
“Rob was just telling us about some of his ideas for growing the shop and getting the salvage yard,” Mr. Shay said. “It’s a big undertaking. Let Benny know if he needs any advice from an accounting standpoint to call me. I’m happy to help him out.”
“Actually, that would probably be great,” I said. “I think he’s been so focused on getting the funding for everything he wants to do, I don’t know if he’s thought about how to handle it all when he actually gets the money and needs to put it to work.”
“Patrick would be a good person for him to talk to,” Uncle Rob agreed, nodding his head. “I’ll talk to Benny about it.”
Ruby touched my arm and sent me a look. She nodded her head over toward the front door. I looked over to see Mrs. Shay standing by the coat rack. She was staring at a simple pink purse hanging there. Leigh’s purse. My heart caught in my throat as a wave of grief rushed over me, but I took a breath and squelched it. Me breaking down would help no one, least of all Mrs. Shay, who looked so lost.
Ruby walked over and put an arm around her shoulder. “You ready to go to lunch, honey?” she asked quietly.
Mrs. Shay took a deep breath and nodded. Her hair was a bit of a mess and she didn’t have on any makeup. Were we pushing her to go out too soon? Maybe we should give her more time?
“Patrick, Rob, do you want us to bring you back anything?” Ruby asked.
“No, I think we’re good,” Mr. Shay said. “Becca made us some eggs and bacon earlier.”
Ruby nodded and turned back to Mrs. Shay, gently nudging her towards the door. She moved quietly out the door without looking back.
Later that afternoon, I pulled into a parking space outside of Uncle Rob’s—hopefully soon to be Benny’s—shop. I cut off the engine but let the keys hang there for a minute and laid my head back in the seat. I finally let a few of the tears I’d been holding back all afternoon fall. Mrs. Shay had been quiet for most of the lunch. She congratulated Ruby on her new teaching position and offered to help with the shop, but she mostly just listened while Ruby and I did all the talking.
“It was a start, Leigh,” I whispered. “We’ll get them through this. Don’t worry.”
Drying my eyes quickly with the back of my hands and grabbing the keys, I got out of my car and headed into the shop. There were a couple of people in the waiting room watching television. One guy stood staring at the vending machine but didn’t seem to find anything that interested him and sat back down to stare at his phone.
I went around the counter to go back into the garage. Benny really needed to have someone working the counter full-time instead of people sitting in the waiting room for him or Uncle Rob to come out of the garage.
Benny was digging through a toolbox at the far end of the garage while Uncle Rob talked to one of the other part-time mechanics.
I walked as quick as could without breaking into a run over to Benny.
“Well?!”
He sighed and looked down at the floor. For a second, my heart stopped. Then he broke out into a big smile. “I got the loan.”
I smiled back and grabbed him into a hug.
Shit just got real.