“She took a step and didn't want to take any more, but she did.”― Markus Zusak, he Book Thief
by as I pumped my legs harder around the field. Sweat ran down my face as the sun came up and the air quickly got warmer. I finally slowed to a stop near the gate, taking a minute to catch my breath, and then going into a slow walk to cool down.
I felt my eyes, almost of their own volition, drift to the road, waiting to see a familiar old pickup truck driving down it. But none came. At least, not the one I wanted to see.
Jack dropped me off at home after dinner last night. The ride was quiet. I guess he said everything he needed to at dinner. I’m not sure I did.
I meant it when I said I didn’t want to go into a relationship with him when he was wondering what his life would be like if he chose differently. So, I didn’t say I wanted him to stay. That I wanted a relationship with him. To start a life together. Did I even have a right to tell him I wanted him to stay? Would he always wonder ‘what if?’ if he did stay? Maybe. Probably.
A slight breeze blew through the field, cooling my face and body. The pecking of a woodpecker in a nearby tree, and the crickets chirping in the field were the only sounds. I could feel my heart rate slowing down and a calmness came over me, quieting the emotions that had been battling inside me all night. I climbed to the top of the fence and sat, looking over the field, letting my thoughts wander until they settled on a conclusion.
Jack needed to go.
He was right. His life has stayed constant; he’d never shaken things up. And, if he was okay with that and happy, then I would say great, let’s see where you and I together might lead.
But he wasn’t okay with it. He questioned why he’s never lived in a different room than the one he grew up in, if he’s missing out by not going after photography as a career, or even just living someplace new with different people. And with a different lover than the one he’s known since he was in the second grade.
He needed to go.
Plus, I had to get things figured out for myself. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be for us. Time would tell. Glancing at my watch, I realized I only had an hour to get home, get showered, and get to the shop for work.
Hopping off the fence, I rushed over to my trusty, slightly rusty Corolla and got her started up and seatbelt on as quickly as possible. Me and the Corolla bounced out of the field, onto the gravel drive, and down the road to home.
Freshly showered and dressed in my McCabe’s Garage button-down shirt, I waited behind the counter for customers to come in as Benny and Uncle Rob unlocked the front door and opened the garages. Almost as soon as soon as they had opened, Ruby came bustling through the door with an enormous basket of muffins and fruit.
“Hey Ms. Ruby, what is all this?” I asked, running over to help her. I grabbed the basket out of her arms and set it on the counter before the whole thing spilled onto the floor.
“Well, I know Benny got approved for the business loan so he can start taking over and I just wanted to do something for you all to celebrate,” she said in one long, nearly out of breath, statement.
“Aw, thank you! This is great!” I said and wasted no time snagging a blueberry muffin for myself.
The sound of a car being pulled into the garage came through the service door behind the counter, and I saw a customer walk by the window toward the front door. Ruby noticed too, so quickly put the basket out with napkins and paper plates.
“I know you guys are busy, so I’ll be going. Have a great day,” she said while giving me a quick kiss on the cheek before running out the door. I snagged a couple of muffins and some fruit to put under the counter and save for Benny and Uncle Rob before greeting the day’s first customer.
Later that evening, Benny and I sat on the front porch sipping a beer and watching the sky turn to night. I was in my comfiest, oldest, thread-bare pajamas that I refused to throw away and Benny was in his favorite flannel pajama bottoms and old AC/DC t-shirt. It was quiet except for the creaking of the old front porch swing we sat on. It was the same porch swing we sat on as kids at my grandmother’s house. Grandma was not rich in material goods—most of her stuff was hand-me-downs from relatives or yard sale scores—but what she had we kept and treasured.
“Are you going to keep the same name?” I asked Benny, breaking the peaceful silence.
He sat for a minute and stared at the fireflies that were holding their nightly dance in the yard before responding.
“I think so.” He shrugged and took another sip of the beer he’d been nursing since we sat down. Leaning his head back against the swing, he said, “I don’t see a point in changing it. It’s been McCabe’s Garage for nearly 35 years now. People around here know it. I think I’d be shooting myself in the foot if I changed it.”
I nodded. “I agree. Plus, it’s kind of Uncle Rob’s legacy. He put everything he had into that shop.”
“Yeah, I know. I just hope he’s okay with the other changes that I’d like to make,” Benny said.
“He saw the business plan and you’ve been talking to him about it, I assume, for some time now. Uncle Rob isn’t known for being shy or holding back. He’d let you know if he thought you were going in the wrong direction.”
“That’s true,” Benny said with a chuckle. We sat in silence for a little while longer. I finished my beer and was getting ready to go inside when Benny said, “I ran into Jack today.”
My forward momentum stopped as if someone had me on a leash and just yanked on it. I collapsed back into the swing somewhat dramatically, and tipped my head back so I was staring at the porch ceiling, mimicking Benny’s pose.
“I could’ve gone all day without hearing the name Jack.”
“So, it’s like that?” Benny asked, looking at me out of the corner of his eye.
I sighed, loudly. “No… maybe… I don’t know. He has things he wants to do. Things he needs to do for himself before he can decide he wants to start a relationship with me or even keep working on the farm.”
“I didn’t know he wasn’t happy,” Benny said.
“That’s the thing. It’s not that he’s not happy,” I said. “He just doesn’t know if maybe he could be happier. Maybe there is another life out there for him besides the one he’s grown used to.”
“Grass isn’t always greener,” Benny said quietly, almost like he was talking to himself.
I wondered how often he had told himself that over the years but was afraid to ask him. “No, I know firsthand that the grass isn’t always greener. But, sometimes, it is. It's a matter of perspective. I think Jack needs to peek over that fence and try to find out for himself. If he doesn’t, he may always wonder about it.”
“I guess that’s true,” Benny said. “But I think no matter what, there will always be something that makes you wonder if you should’ve chosen differently. Everyone has their ‘what ifs’ but, if you like your place in life, I think that’s enough to make the ‘what ifs’ nothing more than a passing thought you may have on occasion while waiting in line or sitting at a red stoplight.”
“Maybe, but some ‘what ifs’ are bigger than others.”
We sat there for a few more minutes and listened to the local night life come out to play. An owl hooted nearby, and a symphony of insects were playing their favorite songs. It was completely dark now and a cloudless sky allowed the Milky Way to show up in all its beauty. The unfiltered view of the night sky would never get old.
“I’m pretty wiped out,” Benny said. “I’m going to bed. Are you going to be, okay?”
He looked at me like he was afraid I wouldn’t be there in the morning when he woke up. He’d already had to go through one morning of waking up and finding my bedroom empty, my closet cleaned out, and me gone. I would never put him through that again.
“I’m good Benny,” I said, trying to reassure him I wasn’t the same messed up teenager that had run out on him all those years ago. “Jack is going to do what he needs to do. I’ve got my own life to focus on as well. It just isn’t our time.”
He nodded. “Maybe not right now.”
“Maybe not never,” I said.
“Maybe not,” he agreed quietly.
“Benny, I’ve been through worse. So have you. We both know life keeps going. This will not break me. I promise.”
“I know,” he said. He sounded like he meant it. I hoped so. I put Benny through hell in the past. But I survived the loss of my parents, albeit not without scars, but I was still going. I lost Leigh. Jack leaving hurts but I can put that pain in perspective and not let it wreck me.
“Go to bed. I might watch a movie or something since we’re off tomorrow.”
“Okay, enjoy,” he said. “See you in the morning.”
When he was inside, I pulled out my phone and opened the messages app. I quickly texted Jack before I could change my mind and then texted Ruby to see if she wanted me to pick her up for church tomorrow.
When I finally went inside the house, I wondered what movie to watch and looked forward to a day off work.
----
“It was good to see the Shays at church,” I said to Ruby as she drove us to her house for lunch. If I knew Ruby, that lunch would probably come with a big side of gossip. Ruby ended up picking me up that morning as the trusty, rusty Corolla gave up the effort to be trusty anymore. It wouldn’t start. Benny and Uncle Rob towed it to the shop and were working on it right now. I had a bad feeling it would not be good news. Buying a new car did not exactly fit into my plans for all the money I saved during my many years of self-imposed exile and not having a life.
“I’m glad they were there,” Ruby said. “I’ve been checking on them now and then. Trying to make sure they are okay but not make a nuisance of myself. I’m sure some days are worse than others, but they are trying to keep going for Leigh. She would’ve wanted them to be happy.”
“More than anything. I’ve called and talked to Mrs. Shay a couple of times but haven’t been over for a visit since we took her to lunch.”
“You’ve been busy and now you’re working at the shop. I’ve been keeping her updated. She knows,” Ruby said.
“I know, but I need to make the time. Maybe I’ll see if she wants to meet for lunch one day. Is she back at work? She doesn’t work far from Benny’s shop, so we could probably meet somewhere.”
“She goes back to work tomorrow,” Ruby said. “They’re both going back. It will be good for them to get out of the house and back into a routine.”
“I’ll call her later and try to make plans for lunch,” I said as Ruby pulled into her driveway.
We went inside the little Cape Cod house and Ruby made her rounds checking on her two cats, Fred and Wilma, and her green parrot, Captain Jack, named after Johnny Depp’s character in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I poured us both some sweet ice tea and looked through the refrigerator for lunch stuff. Ruby had made homemade potato salad and had bought some fantastic, salted ham, judging by the piece I stole on the long trip from the refrigerator to the table. Some deli-style brown mustard and baby Swiss cheese on homemade rolls completed the sandwiches, or so I thought, until I saw the crown jewel in her refrigerator.
“I love that woman,” I said to myself as I grabbed the jar of her homemade canned pickles that were chilling and just waiting for me to find them.
I smiled as I put the pickles on the table with everything else. It was good to be home. Even though it had not been all sunshine and rainbows, especially with Leigh’s death and memorial and now Jack possibly moving away, it didn’t change the fact I was happy to be home. I felt like me again. I felt like I was living again. Life—with all its ups and downs—was welcome over the mere existing I had been doing for all those years. As we sat down to eat, I made a mental note to get Ruby’s recipe for her potato salad. It might just come in handy one day soon, I hoped.
The sun was getting lower in the sky and evening setting in when Ruby drove me home. We had an excellent lunch and then went to Grand Caverns and walked along one of the hiking trails that ran through the park. Luckily, I still had a dresser of clothes and shoes at Ruby’s house from when I was younger. And they still fit, which was a bonus. Hiking in my flats and dress I wore to church would not have worked well. Now, I was tired and looking forward to a shower and my pajamas. But, as we pulled up outside Benny’s house, it became apparent that I would not get either anytime soon.
“Well, at least your car is fixed,” Ruby said as we both stared out the window at the person sitting on my front porch in my grandma’s old swing, nervously twisting an old baseball hat in his hands. The hat was well worn and didn’t look like it could take the abuse for much longer.
To Ruby’s point, my car was parked out front in the driveway. Hopefully, that meant Uncle Rob and Benny had fixed it. I don’t think Benny would bring it back home if it didn’t run. We did not need a rusty Corolla as a lawn ornament.
Ruby pulled to a stop behind my car and waved to Jack. He stood and waved back but didn’t make a move to leave the porch. He stared at me and I stared back at him through the windshield.
“I think he wants to talk to you,” Ruby said after a minute, when I didn’t make a move to get out of the car.
“Right,” I said quietly. I leaned over and gave Ruby a hug. “Thank you for lunch. It was excellent. And thanks for the leftovers.”
“You’re welcome sweetie,” she said, hugging me back. “Good luck with whatever this is about.”
“I didn’t feel like talking about it earlier. I’ll fill you in later.”
She nodded. “I’m here whenever you need me.”
“I know, thank you, love you.”
“Love you too.” She gave my hand a squeeze before I got out of her car.
I trudged up to the porch as Ruby turned around in the driveway and left. Though I stared at the ground and deliberately did not look at Jack, I could feel his eyes on me as I made my way to the front steps. Finally, I didn’t have a choice but to lift my eyes to his.
“Hey Jack,” I said with resignation.
“Hey.”
He said nothing else for what felt like an eternity. I could see him struggling with how to start.
“Did you have a good time with Ruby?” he asked.
Small talk. I guess that was one way for him to get started.
“Yeah,” I said. “Where’s Benny?”
“He said he had to run out and do some things, but to tell you he would be home soon.”
“He left you sitting on the front porch?”
“No, door’s open,” he replied. “I just felt like sitting out here. It’s a nice evening.”
“I’m going to put these leftovers in the fridge and get a glass of wine. Do you want a beer?”
“Sure,” he said. “Do you need any help?”
“No, I’ve got it.” As I went through the door, I made sure it closed behind me. A not-so-subtle hint to give me a little space. I needed a few minutes to myself. Shoving the leftovers inside the refrigerator, I closed the door and leaned my head against the cool metal. I didn’t want to face what was coming. I had just laid one best friend to rest and now was going to have to say goodbye to another. And it was not lost on me I was the one that left them first.
I took a deep breath and went through the motions of pouring a glass of wine and grabbing a cold beer for Jack. Taking another deep breath, I went back out onto the front porch. Jack still sat on the swing, quietly staring out into the yard. He didn’t even look my way as I came back out.
“Hey, you okay?” I asked as I walked over and sat down next to him.
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine,” he said. “Just lost in thought.” He took the beer I offered and twisted the cap off. “Thanks.”
I sat back against the swing and took a sip of wine. The sky was getting darker, and the night had nearly taken over.
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he said.
“Tomorrow?” I said, shocked. “I didn’t think you would leave that soon.”
“Neither did I,” he said. “But they need someone right away for this position and if I can’t get there this week, they are going to find someone else.”
“Wow, how did your parents take it?” I asked.
He shrugged. “It took some talking, but they came around. They were a little shocked too, that I’m leaving so soon. But they understand my need to give it a try. They said they would make it work on the farm without me. Reminded me I can always come home whenever I wanted.”
“You know that,” I said. “Just like I knew I could come home to Benny.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
“I want you to know that I’m not leaving to be with Victoria,” he said. “I don’t know how I feel about her anymore. This is more about this opportunity and not passing it up.”
“You need to go. I don’t want you to stay here and always wonder what if. First and foremost, we’re friends, Jack. We have been since the second grade, we grew up together, you were my first lover, and have been my only true love. I will not be the one to hold you back.”
He leaned his head back and drained the rest of his beer and set it down on the porch. He looked over at me. The light from the porch light bathed us both in a yellow glow.
“I’ll miss you,” he said. “I’ll let you know how I’m doing. What I’m doing.”
“Okay.” I met his gaze. He leaned towards me, and I met him halfway. When we met in the middle, the kiss wasn’t one of passion or two lovers reuniting. It was tender. It was goodbye.
We pulled back, and he stood up. He headed down the porch steps and stopped. Turning back, he said, “We went our separate ways once before, but we came back together. We could do it again. Paths are funny like that. We could be on different paths now, but who knows down the road. They could come together again.”
“Yes, but will we be at an intersection or will we be running parallel again like we used to? That’s the question,” I said.
He nodded and looked down at the ground. “I guess that’s true,” he said. “Only time will tell. Later Tessie.”
“Later Jack.”
I sat on the porch and finished my wine as he turned his truck around and went down the driveway towards the road.