“You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. She is dead. You are alive. So live.”― Neil Gaiman, Fables & Reflections
my parents’ gravestones. This was the first time I’d visited since I came home. There was a bouquet of sunflowers on my mother’s grave. Benny had been here recently. I wondered how often he came.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Even though I was alone in the cemetery, it seemed like I should talk quietly, similar to how you would in the sanctuary at church. It was sacred ground.
“After you died, I lost who I was and didn’t behave the way you taught me.”
I could feel the lump in my throat already. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I hadn’t been here for five minutes. So much for keeping it together. I don’t know why I ever thought I could.
I sat down between their graves.
“Hopefully, Leigh is with you. She was taken from us too soon, but I feel better knowing she’s up in Heaven with you. I hope that comforts her parents some too. It was her death that finally brought me back home. She never gave up on me, never gave up trying to get me back. In the end, she finally succeeded.”
I sat there quietly for some time, lost in my memories of Leigh. My mind kept jumping around from remembering camping trips to going to the mall to just hanging out watching movies. The grief could overwhelm me if I let it, but I refused. I hated Leigh was gone. I hated it took her death for me to finally come home. But I was not going down that dark hole again where I lost myself and forgot to live. To pull myself back from the abyss of grief that I knew all too well could swallow me whole, I changed the subject.
“I guess Benny has probably already told you he bought Uncle Rob’s shop and he bought a salvage yard, too. He’s got some big plans. I didn’t realize how ambitious he was until I helped him with the business plan. He’s been thinking about this for a long time, just waiting for the right opportunity. I was so stuck in my own crap, I never thought about what Benny wanted. I figured he was happy working for Uncle Rob and living in the house he got for us after you died.”
I plucked some blades of grass and twisted it between my fingers. They were smooth and cool to the touch despite the warm spring day. Every day was getting warmer, and it wouldn’t be long before we were amid another hot Virginia summer.
“Jack is gone too,” I whispered. “I’ve been trying to hold up and not let people see how much I miss him. He left about a month ago. At first, he was texting and calling a lot. Sending pictures of what he was seeing and telling me about Colorado. But, after a few days, it became less. Then, it was more brief texts than calls. Now, I haven’t heard from him in two weeks.”
“I had to let him go. I could’ve asked him to stay, but we both would’ve been wondering if that was what he wanted. He needed to take this shot. I know that. I know it was the right thing. Just like it was the right thing for me when I left, even if the manner in which I left wasn’t the best.”
I pulled my knees up and laid my head on them while my hands incessantly pulled up blades of grass. There was going to be a bare patch in the grass soon if I didn’t stop.
“I just miss him.”
Picking my head up off my knees, I took a deep breath and looked at the clear blue sky and the mountains that rose to meet it. That was the one thing I always missed when I was living in northern Virginia. The mountains. In the Valley, there are mountains always in the background. Growing up, I took it for granted. They were always there, like sentinels guarding the Valley from invaders. It took me a little while to place why I felt like something was missing whenever I walked around Arlington until one day, it just hit me. There were no mountains to add the perfect backdrop to every photo. Without the mountains, it just never felt like home.
Despite what brought me here, and even though Jack moved away, I was still glad to be home. Even though I still missed my parents so much, it physically hurt in my heart and sometimes I was back where I started, surrounded by constant reminders of them. I was happy. I was finally in a better place and living life again.
“Don’t worry about me,” I said to my parents. “I’m going to be okay. I have plans of my own. Let me tell you about Tess’ Cafe.”
I laid back in the grass and stared at the clear blue sky while I told my parents all of my plans for my new business that I was launching. As I talked about my plans, my sadness over Jack leaving melted away and, while still grieving for Leigh, I could put it in the background as my ideas for my future took shape and my excitement over getting started grew.