“He must have known I'd want to leave you." "No, he must have known you would always want to come back.”― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
my brother’s knocking on the door woke me out of a deep sleep. I snaked my hand out from under the covers into the cold room just enough to reach my phone on the nightstand - 5:02. Rolling my eyes, I covered my head with the comforter. He’s up and leaving for work at five in the morning. Some things don’t change.
“I’m taking your car to the shop today. I’ll leave you the keys to my Jeep. See you tonight,” he called as he was going back down the stairs and conveniently giving me no time to argue.
I pulled the covers down and stared at the ceiling. My car would come home tonight with new tires, an oil change, and probably a long overdue tune-up. All of which would cost Benny, Uncle Rob, and the shop money. And they won’t let me pay for a cent.
But they will let me write a business plan for them. I started thinking about the money I had saved and how I could use it to help Benny with the shop… if he would let me.
Laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, I thought of the business plan and how I would organize it. Then I started thinking about Leigh’s eulogy, which I still needed to write. The next time I looked at the time, it said 5:48. Groaning, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood. Going back to sleep clearly would not happen. That’s when my gaze landed on my old running shoes.
Over the years, I tried to get back into running the way I was before my parents died, but I just couldn’t find the passion for it anymore after they were gone. My mom got me into running. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be with her all the time. When she went for a run, I begged her to take me with her. So, she started training me and teaching me to build up my endurance and go faster and farther. We would explore different paths and trails. Eventually, I would run more and more without her, but we would still go together at least once or twice a week.
With the memories of running with my mother going through my head, I went outside and climbed into Benny’s Jeep. The Hallowell’s field that I used to run in nearly every morning before school was a few minutes down the road. Leaving the Jeep parked at the gate, I climbed over the fence and hopped down into the field. I started walking the perimeter, trying to warm up and get a feel for the shoes again. After a few minutes, I broke into a slow jog. It didn’t take long for my legs to remind me it had been some time since I tried to go for a run. My breath started coming a little harder and I could feel the exertion in my chest. I kept going, picking up my pace here, slowing down there until I made a couple of laps around the field. I stopped back at the gate where I parked the Jeep. The sun was beaming down at me, bright in the blue sky. It must be around seven now. A cool breeze blew across my face and birds chirped in the trees that dotted the field. It was peaceful. A calm I hadn’t felt in a long time settled inside me. For a minute, I let my mind go quiet. And that’s when I felt it. Being here felt right.
But, then my brain kicked back into gear and I remembered that I needed to call Katrina today about the job offer at Frankie’s. I would be lying if I didn’t say a little thrill of excitement ran through me at the thought of moving to New York and helping to get a new Frankie’s restaurant established in Manhattan.
And then I thought of Benny and helping him get his dream off the ground. I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to watch Benny grow Uncle Rob’s garage into what he wanted. I wanted to see it happen. I wouldn’t be able to from New York.
After my run, I came home and got cleaned up. Breakfast ended up being toast with what little butter I could scrape out of the bottom of the container. Benny needed some food in the house. The refrigerator was pathetically bare.
Deciding to stop by the Shays first and see if they needed anything from the store, I headed to their house. When I got there, the door was open with just the screen door shut. I knocked lightly and waved as I saw Mrs. Shay walking toward the door.
“Tess, hey, come on in.” There was a little more warmth and feeling in her voice than she could manage yesterday. Though sadness and grief still shone in her eyes and coated her face, she had showered and put on fresh clothes, so I took that as a good sign.
“Hi Mrs. Shay.” I gave her a hug. I didn’t ask how she was doing or if she was okay. I remember after my parents died, everyone wanted to know if I was okay. What are you supposed to say? The truth? Most people wouldn’t know what to do if you told them the truth. But, saying “I’m fine” to everyone you run into gets old quick. Of course, if I had taken the time to reach out to one of those well-meaning people, maybe I wouldn’t have blown up every important relationship I had with my family and lifelong friends and snuck out of town in the middle of the night. But that was for contemplating on a different day.
We walked into the kitchen where Mr. Shay was drinking a cup of coffee and trying to eat some toast and scrambled eggs. He had showered too and was attempting to appear okay. I sat down at the table with them, being careful not to sit in the chair Leigh always used and accepted a cup of coffee from Mrs. Shay.
“I’m going to the store; Benny has no food in the house. I wanted to see if you need anything?”
Mrs. Shay looked around and shrugged. “I don’t think so. People have been bringing so much food that I can’t imagine we will eat it all.”
“That’s nice of everyone,” I said.
She just nodded.
For a few minutes, we sat there, sipping our coffee, each lost in our thoughts. It was actually a little comforting and, hopefully; they got some comfort from sitting with me. There was no explanation or empty gestures required. We shared our grief in silence.
I finished my coffee and took a quick look through the refrigerator and cabinets to see if there was anything I could pick up for them. They needed milk and probably some more coffee and drinks for all the friends and family coming by. I added some things to my list and promised to be back in an hour or two.
I was making my way through Walmart, grocery list in hand, when I heard “Tess!” yelled from halfway across the store. Turning around, I saw Ruby Kemper, one of my mom’s best friends. Ruby wasn’t a small woman and if you didn’t see her, believe me, you heard her. Because she wasn’t a quiet woman either. She dressed loud, talked loud, and was always in everyone’s business and lives. But she didn’t have a mean bone in her body, and everyone loved her. She came rushing through the store, arms wide open to envelop me.
“Tessie, I can’t believe it’s you!” she yelled as she folded me into a big hug.
Hugging her back, I felt the sudden urge to cry. Why had I pushed this woman away too? I hugged her until I got some control over my emotions.
“Hey Ms. Ruby, it is so great to see you!” The words “you look great” were forming in my mouth, but died before I could get them out. One look and I realized this was not the Ruby Kemper I remembered.
“It’s great to see you, too. I missed you so much! Your Uncle Rob told me you moved back home when I saw him yesterday. I can’t wait to get together and catch up. I’m so glad you’re back…, but I hate what brought you home,” she finished quietly, the momentary happiness draining out of her face.
Ruby watched Leigh grow up right alongside of me. Leigh and I spent many Sundays after church at Ruby’s, hanging out and talking about boys or clothes or movies, baking brownies or cookies, and laughing. Always laughing.
“Oh, honey,” Ruby said, wrapping her arms around me. She said nothing else. She just stood there holding me in the middle of Walmart as the shoppers passed by around us. After a minute, I pulled back and really looked at her.
She looked much older than I remembered. Instead of her usually immaculate and colorful clothes, she wore a dull, well-worn sweatshirt and faded jeans. She had no make-up on and her hair was flat and pulled into a ponytail, which just highlighted her streaks of gray. When I left town, this woman wouldn’t have gone to 7-11 with a gray hair showing. Ruby never missed a hair appointment. She certainly wouldn’t come to Walmart dressed like this, knowing she was bound to run into at least ten people she knew before she got past the produce.
What had happened to Ruby while I was gone? It couldn’t all be because of the grief of Leigh’s death. It was obvious this had been going on far longer than a couple of days.
“Do you want to come over tonight and have dinner with Benny and me? I’m trying to stock up the house now. I think he hasn’t been home much lately, so there is no food. I was glad he at least had coffee.”
She thought about it for a minute, but then I saw a little of the old Ruby come back and she gave me a big smile.
“Honey, I would love that. What do you want me to bring? Maybe some brownies?” She gave me a knowing look. Brownies were a weakness. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for a brownie and Ms. Ruby made the best homemade brownies, never box or store bought.
“Ummm, yeah,” I said in my best five-year-old, like duh, voice.
Ruby laughed, and it was like some years and worry melted off her face. How long had it been since she laughed?
“What time?” she asked.
“How about seven? I know it’s a little late, but I think Benny has been spending long hours at work and I have some more errands to run after getting the groceries home.”
“Seven is perfect.” She glanced into her cart. “And I better get going before my ice cream melts in a puddle on the floor.”
Despite her melting ice cream, she wrapped her arms around me again and held me for another minute. She pulled back and studied my face like she was afraid I would disappear on her again.
“I’ll be there,” I whispered.
She nodded, “Leigh always knew you would find your way back to us, eventually. Benny and I started to lose hope over the years, but Leigh never did. She never gave up.”
With that, she turned away and made her way toward the checkout area. Facing head on all the pain I had caused and hearing how the people I cared most about in the world tried to hold on to the hope that I would come back to them, was humbling. Knowing that I was too late coming back to the best friend anyone could ask for left me gutted. I would never have the chance to make things right with Leigh.
Shoppers bustled by, talking, laughing, arguing, but I was rooted to that spot. Carts clattered along the hard floor. It all faded into the background. My mind had left and traveled back to the past.
“Honey, why don’t I drive you to college instead of Benny? We can see if Leigh can go, and she and I can get a hotel room and help you get set up in your dorm room, then scope out the town. I’ve never been to Blacksburg before. Maybe we can even go into Roanoke for a little shopping,” Ruby said while she helped me fold my laundry to pack for school.
“Maybe,” I uttered with a shrug, but that was the last thing I wanted.
It was the end of summer. I had graduated high school in May and now it was August. I was leaving to go to Virginia Tech the next day. Benny was going to follow me down and help me move into my dorm room. As the time for me to leave got closer, Ruby, Leigh, and even Uncle Rob started coming around more, no longer giving me the space they had been my whole senior year. They were trying to help me get ready to go and make sure I knew I could always come home and they would miss me.
It was suffocating.
The only thing that kept me going was knowing that I would be out of this place and away from them all soon. Away from the questions of how I was doing and did I need anything or worse, the advice on how to move on and suggestions to “talk to somebody.” Logically, I knew it had been well over year, nearly two years in fact, since my parents died, but somehow, it still felt so fresh. Like it had just happened yesterday.
“I’ll call over to Leigh’s and see if she can go,” Ruby was going on excitedly. “We’ll get up bright and early so we can try to get there before most of the other freshmen.”
I nodded but was cringing inside. Ruby was chattering on excitedly about going out to breakfast on the way down and shopping in Roanoke. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I should be excited, too. But all I could think was this was something my mom would’ve loved. And, as hard as she tried, Ruby was not my mom and never would be.
When she finally left, I’d sat on the end of my bed in the waning light of evening. Benny would be home from work soon. He wanted to take me out to dinner, just me and him. I had no interest in going or even changing out of my torn jeans and worn-out sweatshirt. All of my packed suitcases and bags sat by the door waiting to be put into the car. So close to gone. I could just throw my bags in the car and leave now.
As soon as the thought occurred to me, it felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. There would be no goodbyes and we’ll miss you's. I could just drive away. The dorms didn’t open until around 9am but I could park outside and nap in the car while I waited if I had to. I just needed out of here. Before I had a chance to rethink or second guess, I started grabbing bags and throwing them in the car. I recognized this was crazy on some level, but the need to be away and start over fresh where no one knew me overpowered it.
As I was taking the last of my stuff to the car, I had thought of Benny coming home, looking forward to going to dinner, probably starving because he wouldn’t want to ruin his appetite with lunch. Instead of me waiting for him, it would be an empty house. Groaning, I had closed the car door and went back inside. Going to dinner with my brother was the least I could do after everything he had done for me.
Later that night, after Benny and I had our dinner out and he went to sleep and hours before Ruby and Leigh came over, I wrote a note to Benny, ignoring the feelings of guilt and shame that crept into my psyche.
Decided to beat the traffic. Don’t worry about helping me move in. I only have a few bags of clothes, I’ll manage. Tell Ruby I’m sorry, but maybe another time.
Love you,
Tess
I stuck the note on the front of the fridge using the magnet we got from the aquarium on our last family vacation to Myrtle Beach. My mom had loved magnets and always got some as souvenirs when we went on family trips. My finger traced over this one, a family photo of us standing in front of fake palm trees and a beach backdrop in a magnet frame. I fought the sudden tears that came to my eyes. This was why I needed to leave. I couldn’t get past anything surrounded by everyone and everything that reminded me of what had been lost. Taking one last look around at the house my brother tried so hard to make a home, I dimmed the kitchen light and left. A moment later, I started my car and headed down the driveway and away from this place. I had no intention of ever coming back.
“Sorry,” someone muttered when they bumped me on their way down the aisle. My mind came back to the present where I was still standing in the middle of Walmart. Giving myself a mental kick, I went back to my list and tried to shake off the memories.