"There is no place like home."― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
the Shays one last time before leaving. They were still in the same positions, facing each other and holding hands. My heart broke for them. I left a note that I would be back tomorrow, made sure the house was locked up, and left another note on the door asking people to let them rest and come back at another time.
When I got in my car, I looked at the text from Vito again. As I sat there and let my car warm up, I debated calling him. I liked Vito a lot, but I couldn't pretend that whole experience with Cass and being fired after I had busted my ass helping get that restaurant off the ground and keeping it going when half the place came down with the flu didn't effect me. I definitely never wanted to see or talk to Cass again. And, if I'm being honest with myself, part of me wanted to avoid Vito too.
I guess I should at least hear about this opportunity that would be so great for me. But I didn’t want to seem desperate. After hovering over the little green phone emblem with my thumb for at least a full minute, I finally pressed it. I put it on speaker as it began to ring. I halfway hoped it would go to voicemail.
“Hey Tess,” Vito’s voice came through the phone. He picked up on the third ring.
Damn.
“Vito, hey, how are you?”
“Feeling better, thanks,” he responded. “I’m glad you got back to me. Do you remember my friend Katrina Lucas? I went to school with her.”
“Yeah, I remember her. She came by the restaurant quite a bit when we were first getting going.”
“She always thought a lot of you, so I called her after everything that went down here,” he said. “She’s been working for Francesco Fiorelli and helping him open his Frankie’s restaurants in big cities all over the country. She’s made quite a name for herself.”
“Wow, that’s amazing. He’s all over the Food Network. I watch his shows all the time.”
“Well, she’s in Manhattan and working on getting a Frankie’s open there next month. There’s a job for you there if you want it. She said she would love to have you. She said for you to give her a call to talk about it as soon as possible.”
The excitement in Vito’s voice was palpable. He wanted this for me. I knew it wasn’t just so he could make himself feel better about having to let me go. He’s always encouraged me and really was a great boss. The restaurant industry was a brutal business but working for him and with the people at The Olive Branch made it fun. It was hard to imagine going somewhere else. Especially a high-end chain like Frankie’s. But this was a big-time opportunity.
“Thanks Vito, that’s amazing. I really don’t know what to say.” I stammered a bit.
“I just texted you her contact info.” My phone dinged confirming I got the text. “You need to call her Tess. This will open so many doors for you.”
“I know and I appreciate that. It’s just I’m back home right now. A friend of mine growing up passed away,” I said. “My best friend actually.”
“Oh no, Tess, I’m so sorry,” he said. He hesitated like he was going to say something more.
“What?” I asked.
“It’s nothing. I guess I’m just a little surprised. I’ve never heard you talk about your family or friends growing up and I’ve known you for years.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said quietly. “I messed up some things when I was younger. Now I’m back home. I don’t think I can just pick up and leave right away.”
“I get that but you really need to at least call Katrina and explain the situation. You don’t want to miss out on this,” Vito said.
“I know, I’ll call her,” I responded. I blew out a silent breath and banged my head against the car seat. “I’ve got to go but thank you for everything. I do appreciate you talking to her and putting my name out there.”
“Of course, don’t mention it. Call me and let me know how it goes and if you are, okay. Don’t lose touch,” he said.
“I won’t, I promise. Later.”
This was so unexpected I didn’t know what to think. On one hand, I couldn’t help but be excited and terrified at the thought of working for a big restaurant in Manhattan. On the other hand, I just got home. Even after Tess’s memorial, the Shays would need a lot of support. And my brother was starting his own business and could use some help. Could I really pick up and leave again only days after getting back?
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On the way home, I picked up some steak and cheese subs and fries. Healthy would not cut it tonight, I wanted comfort food. When we were younger, Benny and Jack could eat steak and cheese morning, noon, and night and be happy. I seriously doubted that had changed in the years I’d been gone. As I pulled up the drive, I saw Jack’s truck already parked next to Benny’s Jeep.
I tried to remember the last time people were waiting for me to come home. I shook that somewhat sad thought off, grabbed the sandwiches, and headed into the house.
I could hear Benny and Jack in the kitchen at the back of the house as I came through the door. When I got there, they were sitting at the little round kitchen table that we all used to drink juice and eat a snack at as kids. I guess things can come full circle. Only now they were drinking beer.
“Hey, I hope steak and cheese sounds good,” I said as I came into the kitchen and dropped the greasy bags onto the table.
“When does steak and cheese ever not sound good?” Benny said while taking the sandwich I held out to him. Jack must have agreed wholeheartedly as he went after his own sandwich like a man who was starving. I grabbed some paper towels and sat down with the guys to eat.
“How are the Shays?” Benny asked. “I haven’t been over to visit them yet.”
I thought for a minute while I chewed my bite of sandwich. When I finally got it down, all I could come up with is one word.
“Lost. They are lost. I don’t think they know how they are supposed to live without her. Leigh’s Aunt Trudy is handling the funeral arrangements. They haven’t been able to handle any of the details, except for saying they want me to do the eulogy.”
The table got quiet. I tried eating a fry but my appetite had left so I swirled it around in my ketchup instead and hoped no one noticed if I didn’t finish my food.
“I pushed her away.” The words popped out unbidden. I had been thinking them but really had no intention of saying them out loud. “She wouldn’t give up, though. She wouldn’t let me shut her out.”
I stared at the streaks of ketchup I had created on the foil sandwich wrapping and rubbed my grease and salt covered fingers together. I paper towel came into my field of vision. When I looked up, Jack was holding the paper towel roll and looking at me like he might want to beat me with it. I had pushed him away, too. A lot more harshly than I pushed Leigh. But he wasn’t the type of person who could kick someone when they were down. He sighed and reached out to squeeze my hand in support.
“You remember the tractor incident?” Benny asked quietly.
I looked over at him. “You remember?” he asked again. “The tractor incident.”
I choked out a laugh. “The incident that we swore eternal secrecy and to never speak of. No, don’t remember it at all,” I said with a sad smile.
“We were camping out at our farm,” he started.
We all knew the story but maybe hearing Benny tell it would help. I didn’t know how it would help. Maybe help ease the constant ache in my chest since hearing about Leigh’s passing. Maybe help remind me that we had good times in our past, not just tragedy. Whatever it was, he seemed to think telling the story we all knew so well would help something. “You and Leigh were about 12 and Jack was 13. Mom didn’t want you outside by yourselves in the tents, so she made me sleep out there with you. And it was hot as hell. I wanted nothing more than to go into the house with air conditioning and sleep in my bed. I was not happy with you guys at all.”
“You were definitely grumpy,” I said with a grin.
“Unlike the normal charming socialite that you usually are,” Jack teased, cocking his beer bottle in Benny’s direction. I couldn’t help but chuckle.
Benny smiled. “If I remember right, you all were whining about it being hot too, but you didn’t want to go inside because it was the last weekend to camp out before school started.”
“It was Leigh that had the bright idea of taking your dad’s tractor over to my parents’ farm and getting in the pond,” Jack said.
We all smiled. That night had been stifling hot and not a breeze to be found. Anyone with a lick of sense would’ve gone into the air-conditioned house and went to bed. Nope, not us.
“She had people so fooled. They all thought she was an innocent who would never cause trouble,” I said.
“She at least used to think things through and have a plan.” Benny paused and took a sip of his beer. “Except for that night.”
We all laughed. Only kids could do something so stupid, live through it, and actually get away with it.
“I definitely thought we were done for when the cows followed us out the gate before we could get it closed,” Jack said.
“The cows were no biggie, but I thought for sure we were busted when we got stuck in the creek,” I added.
They both nodded in agreement.
“My God, we were so stupid,” Benny said. “But stupidity can make for some great stories. I think it’s time to share that story with all of Leigh’s friends and family. Her life was cut short. And it is not fair. But they need to know that she had some great times and made the most of the time she had with her friends and family. That’s what you need to make sure comes through in the eulogy.”
I nodded. More stories swirled in my head. “I’ve got some ideas on how I’m going to put this together. Any pictures you have, please send them to me.” They both nodded in agreement.
We made a half-hearted attempt to finish our sandwiches for a minute, but finally gave up. All of us were lost in our own memories of Leigh. I felt like there was a weight on my chest again. Like it was hard to breathe. It was a familiar feeling.
“I met with the bank today,” Benny said. His statement snapped me out of my thoughts.
“How did it go?” I asked.
“Why?” Jack asked. He didn't mention that I told him already that Benny is taking over Uncle Rob's shop. It was Benny's news to tell. I appreciated Jack giving him the chance to tell it.
“Uncle Rob is retiring and I’m buying the shop from him," Benny said. "But I want to do some things, grow it, and make it my own. It takes money. More money than what the shop is worth right now. I met with a loan guy who specializes in small business loans and he was letting me know what I have to do. He said I may need collateral or a partner to co-sign or both. And I need to write a business plan.”
“Wow,” Jack said. “That’s pretty huge. Congrats, my man. I hope you can get it all worked out. Let me know if I can help, though I don’t know the first thing about writing a business plan.”
“I do,” I chimed in. They both looked at me like I had two heads. “What? I took some business classes in college and it’s one of the first things they had us do.”
For a minute, there was silence. Benny and Jack gave each other a look, silently communicating what they were both thinking. They didn’t have to say anything. They were wondering how long I would be here. My conversation with Vito and the job offer from Katrina rose to the forefront of my mind, and I knew their concerns were justified. But, even if I did have to leave soon after the memorial, it wouldn’t be like when I left for school. I wouldn’t be sneaking off like I did all those years ago.
After high school was finally over, I pushed everyone away and literally left in the middle of the night, abandoning everyone important to me. Honestly, at the time, I thought it would be best for everyone. Even now, I’m not sure I was wrong. I was horrible to anyone who was near me or tried to help me. I was alienating everyone; the worst probably being Jack.
The last straw had been his senior prom.
“We don’t have to go to the prom if you don’t feel like it, Tessie,” Jack had said to me as we were driving to the Crossroads Hotel, the one and only hotel in Crossroads, where the dance was being held. We were meeting up with Leigh and her boyfriend and a few other people there.
“I bought the stupid dress and got ready. We might as well go,” I snapped. We spent the rest of the ride in silence. Jack drove, and I stared out the passenger window. I was so angry. All the time, I was angry. I just wanted people to leave me alone.
When we got to the hotel, our friends were waiting for us in the lobby, and we went into the ballroom together. Leigh put her arm through mine.
“How are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” I said shortly.
“We’re going to have so much fun tonight.” She had a big smile, like she could be happy enough for both of us. I didn’t respond to her enthusiasm.
We found a table, and the guys went to get us some punch, joking about if anybody had added anything special to it for the occasion. I sat at the table and listened to Leigh talk with some of the other girls.
“I love your dress, Tess! Where did you get it?” Mary, another girl at our table, asked. I shrugged my shoulders and watched the band. “I guess Benny picked it up at some place in the mall.”
“Your brother picked your prom dress?” she asked incredulously. As I had just told her this, I didn’t feel the need to answer again. Prom was not high on my list of things I cared about anymore. Though, to be fair to Mary, going to prom with Jack would’ve have meant everything in the world to me six months ago. Before. Before my parents died. Before we lost the only home I had ever known. Before my whole world fell apart. All that kept going through my head is that my mom should've been helping me get ready tonight. My dad should've been talking to Jack on the front porch and telling him to drive safe. Not Benny.
“I went with him to help pick something out,” Leigh told Mary.
The guys came back with the punch and joined us at the table. Jack sat next to me and tried to put his arm around my shoulders. Instead of letting him, I got up and went to the bathroom without saying a word to anyone. I didn’t need to go, but I wanted to be away from all of them. After wandering past the bathroom, I walked around the hotel a bit. I don’t know how long I was gone, but when I got back, Jack was sitting at the table alone. I saw the rest of the group scattered around the dance floor.
“Hey, you feeling okay?” he asked. “You’ve been gone awhile.”
I sat down next to him with a loud sigh. My entire demeanor screamed that I would rather be in any other place in the world than where I was. This whole prom thing seemed silly and superficial now. Who cares about dresses and hair and dancing.
“For the millionth time, I’m fine,” I replied.
Jack was a great guy. He was funny, patient, kind, but even he had his limits.
He said nothing. After a few minutes, I stopped staring sullenly at the people dancing and looked over at him. He was looking at me with such a sad look on his face. I knew I was hurting him and everyone else around me, but I just didn’t care. It was like something in me was broken. The part that used to care about my life and the people in it just stopped working.
Jack picked up his truck keys and stood up. “Come on.”
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Taking you home. You very clearly do not want to be here,” he said as he turned to walk toward the exit.
He was right. I didn’t want to be there. But I didn’t want to be at home either. I really didn’t know where I wanted to be.
I caught up to him and grabbed his arm to get him to stop walking away. “Jack, I didn’t say we had to leave.” I knew people were staring. Teenagers can smell impending drama from a mile away.
Jack turned to me and his face was so resigned, it made me take a step back in shock. It cut through all the anger I was constantly feeling and allowed me to feel something else. Shame for the way I was acting. It wasn’t me. I kept hurting everyone around me. Lashing out at anyone who tried to get too close. I was in a sea of misery and the only way I could handle it was to spread it around apparently. For an instant, Jack cut through it all and reached the real me. But, it didn’t last. The anger and pain rushed back over me and blocked off any other feelings.
“Tessie, I don’t want to do this here. Please, let’s leave, and we can talk somewhere private,” Jack whispered.
“No, you have something to say, then say it!” I screamed.
Now, everyone at the prom was staring at us. I even heard the band falter, like they weren’t sure if they should keep playing. One of my favorite teachers, Mrs. Peacock, had made her way through the crowd to me. She had grown up with my mom and knew me since the day I was born.
She came over and put her arm around me. “Tess let’s go outside and get some air, honey. You need to calm down.”
Stepping away from her and turning on Jack, I yelled, “I don’t want to go outside and calm down. I want to know what your problem is.”
Jack had been nothing but patient and kind with me since my parents had died. Perversely, the nicer he was to me, the meaner I got. It was like I was trying to push his buttons. I wanted a knock down, blow out fight. If nothing else, maybe it would get some of the anger out. But that wasn’t Jack. He was the silent, angry type. He didn’t do screaming matches.
So, I knew he was done when he yelled back at me. “My problem is you!” The rest of the room got silent. The band even gave up on playing. Why would they? No one was listening.
Jack ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t do this anymore Tess!” he yelled. He pulled his tie loose and undid the first button of his shirt like it was strangling him.
I knew what was coming. And that I couldn’t stop it.
“I know you have had a rough year,” Jack said, no longer yelling. “The roughest. No one should have to go through what you and Benny have had to handle. I have done everything I can to help you deal with it. I know losing your parents like you did is not something you just get over. But you have to learn to live with it, Tess. They wouldn’t want you to stop living, stop hanging out with your friends, and they definitely wouldn’t want you to stop being a decent human being."
He turned away from me for a minute and took a deep breath, like he was trying to get control of his emotions. When he turned back towards me, I could see it on his face. We were over.
He sighed. “I hope you can be happy again. I know you will never be the same as before your parents died, but I hope you at least remember some of that girl and can bring her back. She’s the girl I grew up with and fell in love with. But, I can’t do this anymore, trying to make it work with this angry shell of a person you are now. You need help, Tess. You need to talk to someone - a professional - and get some help. But, you have to want to do it. No one can do it for you.”
I stood in silence. I had nothing to say. It was like I was dead inside. I knew I should feel something, but I was numb.
“Would you take her home?” Jack asked Mrs. Peacock.
“Yes. Tess, I will be right back. I’ve got to go grab my purse,” she said as she made her way through the crowd.
Jack looked at me one last time, then he turned around and left.
After he graduated high school, he immediately started working at his family’s farm and taking classes part time at the community college. I still had one more year of school, but after the scene at prom, everyone left me alone. Which is what I wanted. I didn’t go out on the weekends, get a part-time job, or even go to my own senior prom. I went to school and came home. Only to get Benny off my back and because I knew it would be a way out of this town, I applied to colleges. Luckily, my parents had college funds for both of us. Since Benny didn’t go to college, he let me use the money they saved for him as well as my own, even though he probably could’ve used it trying to support us both.
I don’t think I ever told him how much I really appreciated everything he did to keep us together and to take care of me. I just counted down the days until I could leave. The day I left for college, I got up hours before the sun was up, got in my car and drove away without saying anything to anyone. I left Benny and everyone else behind.
And now, I was back and asking the people I had hurt so much to trust that I wouldn’t do it again. Jack and Benny were both looking at me like they were waiting for me to get up and bolt out the door any second. Pack my crap in my car and leave like I did all those years ago after high school. And, more recently, like I did last night when I packed up my life in northern Virginia and came home.
“I’m not leaving like that again.” I looked both of them in the eye.
“Tess, you have a college degree and your whole life ahead of you,” Benny said. “You could go anywhere in the world.”
Images of New York City flashed in my head. The job that anyone in the restaurant business would give their favorite chef’s knife for was mine if I wanted it. I should be thrilled. But, so far, excitement wasn’t on the menu. All I felt was apprehension and guilt whenever I thought of the job that Vito had managed to get lined up for me. The offer had a time limit. Accepting it would mean leaving again and very soon. And the job would keep me away. There wouldn’t be a lot of free time available to come all the way back home to Virginia for family visits. There wouldn’t be time for me to make amends. To try to set things right.
I decided not to bring up New York. Not yet.
“I know that, but right now, I want to be here. It may not be forever. Who knows what will happen down the road, but I’ve grown up. I’m not a stupid, angry teenager anymore. Let me help you with this. Please. I owe you.”
Benny looked at me in bewilderment. “You don’t owe me Tess. What could you owe me?” he said a little angrily. “They were my parents too. I wanted to do right by them and you. They wouldn’t have wanted us to be apart.”
“I know,” I said quickly. “I didn’t mean it to sound like … that.” I didn’t know what I was trying to say. I just knew I had deeply insulted my brother. “I’m sorry.”
Benny stood up from the table and walked a few steps away. He had his back to Jack and me. He stood there for a minute, gathering his thoughts. I tried to catch Jack’s eyes but he was very focused on staring at his now very cold fries.
Finally, Benny turned around an faced me. “You don’t owe me anything. And you don’t have any making up to do with me,” Benny said. He sat back down at the table and looked me in the eyes. “We’re good. We always were. I’m glad you’re here for however long that ends up being.”
I smiled at him. “Even if I move away at some point down the road, I promise it won’t be like it was before. I won’t be running away.”
Throughout this exchange, Jack sat quietly, sipped his beer, and continued to stare at what was left of his food. He stood up after I finished speaking and threw his beer in the recycling and food wrappers in the trash.
“I’m going to head out. I have to get up early tomorrow. We have to do some bush hoggin in the fields.” He said this while looking at Benny. He finally looked over at me. “I’ll send some pictures for the memorial.”
“Okay,” I said. He turned to walk away but then turned back and looked at me. “Your field is still there. It’s still clear. I’ll see you around Tessie.”
“Bye,” I replied softly, but he was already going out the door. My field. The Hallowell Farm had a field that I used to run in every morning before school. The whole family started referring to it as “my field” and they always tried to keep it clear of brush for me.
Jack hadn’t let go of the past, but maybe he left the door cracked for moving forward from here. Could we restore a semblance of what we once had? Not dating but being the friends we had once been. We were friends for far longer than we were lovers. Could I get that back?
It was something to hope for.