Chapter Forty-Two

 

The next morning, I took photos of a couple and their new baby. After I said goodbye, thoughts of Ross and the baby we never planned started buzzing in my head. Despite what he’d done, I still felt he’d make a good father someday; he loved children and had a lot of time for them. The thought that he’d probably become a father with someone else made me ache inside. If I stayed with Aiden, that’d make me Ross’ children’s Aunt. How strange. Would I rather be the mother? I tried to push the confusing thoughts out of my head and was just about to sit down and look at the photos I’d taken, when my laptop started alerting me to my mother’s incoming Skype call.

“Hi darling, how are you doing?”

“I was just thinking about Ross actually.”

“Oh yes?”

“Yeah, just about how things were. We were happy, I don’t know when or how we stopped being happy.”

“I’ve often thought that about some of my ex-husbands. It all seemed so great in the beginning and then somehow, it just goes wrong. I think people get complacent.”

“Yeah, I guess so. I suppose I took it for granted that we’d be together forever. You know, I’m starting to realise it wasn’t all his fault. I thought we were happy, but we weren’t. We were coasting. We weren’t making the effort we used to.”

“How’s it going with Aiden?”

“It’s good, yeah. It’s nice.”

“And have you been having fun with him?”

“Yes, fun, but I don’t know Mum, the spark for me is fading already. I’m not sure I’m falling in love or anything.”

“It’s not all about love, Jenny, or spark. It’s about finding a decent man, and Lord knows there’s not many of them out there, and so long as you can trust him and get along reasonably well, that’s enough. This isn’t the movies.”

This thought seemed so depressing I couldn’t find an answer.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I said, not wishing to discuss it any further. I was bored of thinking about it.

“Well, see how it goes.”

“So how are you?”

“I’m well, very well. But I’m having doubts about Ken.”

Of course she was.

“How so?”

“I don’t know. He plays a lot of golf.”

“So you think he’s having an affair?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you happy, do you love him? You said he was your best friend.”

“He was.”

“So?”

“So, I don’t know.”

“Have you ever lived alone Mum?”

“Umm, let me think. Well, I moved straight from my parent’s house in with your father. Then, I went straight to living with Henrich. Then I ran off with Gordy, you remember him? He was so handsome. Then when he left me, I stayed in a hotel for a week or so before I went travelling with his friend, Ron … Let me think … you know what? No – I’ve never been alone for more than a week or two. I don’t think it’d suit me much, do you? I’d get depressed if I was a spinster. No, far better to find a new man as soon as you’re done with the last.”

She laughed nervously. Somehow, this made me even sadder.

“Do you ever think, maybe if you’d waited, just been on your own for a bit, you might not have just settled for what was right there in front of you?”

“Maybe, I don’t know.”

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“I just think the thought of being single terrified me. I expected to be with Ross forever. Then Aiden was right there, offering his heart up and I took it without really thinking about whether I wanted him.”

“That seems a bit cruel, Jenny.”

“I know. I like him a lot but … just not as much as he likes me.”

“Well, give it time. I wasn’t sure about Albert when I met him, but he was the man I think I loved the most, God rest him.”

“I’m sorry, Mum.”

“Look, you do what you think is best. But I’m telling you now, being alone is no fun at all.”

“How would you know?”

“Well, after Albert.”

“You met Wayne not long after.”

“Wayne was my cruel mistake too. I used him.”

I sighed.

“I’m sorry, dear, I need to go,” she said with the familiar sign that she didn’t want to talk about the men she’d been with anymore than I wanted to remember them all, either.

I said goodbye, grabbed my coat and walked to Shane’s, where I repeated the conversation while munching on chocolate cookies, watching him put up signs in the window for his new marketing campaign: Free cupcake Thursdays. I got free cupcakes every day but I was still coming down on Thursday for an extra freebie.

“Chill, Jenny,” he said after I’d repeated the conversation. He stroked his beard and took a sip from a cup of coffee.

“But it’s all such a mess.”

“Her life is a mess. You can still clean yours up.”

“I can’t keep living with Aiden, can I?”

“No, maybe not. But you know what? You’re gonna be just fine on your own. You’ll have Wentworth, and I’ll come round all the time.”

“Will you drop everything every time I need a new light bulb?”

“How about I show you how to change one yourself?”

“Okay. And maybe buy me a step ladder.”

He laughed. “Sounds like a good house-warming present.”

“What am I going to tell Aiden?”

“Just be honest with him.”

“Ugh. Sounds hard.”

“It will be, but better now than months or years down the road, right?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I just wish I hadn’t got myself into this mess.”

“You were fragile and lost and he offered you what you thought you needed. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Maybe I could join a dating site.”

“Jeez, Jenny! Give yourself some time, why are you so desperate to find the next love of your life? You complain about your mother but you’re just like her.”

Well, he didn’t have to say it, even if it were true. I glared at him.

“I’m just telling you the truth.”

I bit my lip.

“You need to know what you want from a relationship. How can you know that if you keep jumping from one person to the next?”

“I know what I want. Friendship and bonding and mutual interests. Like I had with Will that week on Skye.”

“That was a holiday, not real life.”

“I know.”

“You’re starting to bore me now.”

“Gee, thanks Shane.”

“Stop whinging and sort your life out! You’re in control of your destiny, Jen. Starting right now. Sort. It. Out. Go!”