Chapter Fifty-Two

 

Later that week Shane and I set about preparing for the trip; Andrew said he’d happily stay home and look after the cafe and the dogs for the weekend. Shane said we could take his car and share the driving. We planned our route and I thought about what a different place I was in now, mentally, to when I was planning the first trip to Skye with Hayley. What a lot had happened in that time. I’d left Bath a scared, hurt wife and returned a slightly happier, more upbeat ready-for-a-divorce woman. And since then I’d messed Aiden around, I’d gone to an ice hockey match I’d rather forget … but I was finding myself. Perhaps this trip would allow me to get some closure on Will and finally tick the last box on my becoming independent list. I didn’t need him, or any man. I was doing it alone and I was doing fine, as it turned out. And if Ross and I dated for a while, perhaps we’d be happy again. But if not – that was okay, too.

I pictured myself shining the feminism medal I would surely receive sometime soon, and walked home that night imagining myself as the British Beyoncé. Or perhaps just Keira Knightly in those adverts for Chanel. I was a cool, calm, confident woman in control of her own life.

Then I lay down in bed and thought about being at the wedding with Will and his wife. Eek.

Hayley emailed me detailed instructions about the bridesmaid dress she wanted me to buy, which I loved the second I saw it: a dark magenta, knee length in a floaty chiffon material. I’d never heard of the designer but the price tag was high enough to know it was someone pretentious – sorry – well-known. I had the shop assistant, a serious looking girl named Megan with perfect eyebrows, call Hayley who gave her credit card number.

“She says I also need to help you pick some shoes,” Megan said as she hung up the phone.

“Oh, I can do that,” I said, smiling.

“No, she said you’ll need help.”

“I guess I’m fashion-challenged!” I said, laughing awkwardly.

Megan looked at my current outfit – skinny jeans and a t-shirt I’d had so long I forgot where I bought it – and nodded her head in confirmation.

“Come with me.”

An hour later I was walking around my studio, hoping the silver strappy sandals Hayley had also paid for would be more comfortable when I’d worn them in a bit. I wasn’t used to high heels and the risk of my falling over, especially after a few glasses of bubbles, seemed pretty high.

I was just taking them off when my laptop buzzed to tell me my mum was calling me for a video chat. I told her about Hayley, showed her the dress, and she whooped with excitement and said she loved a good wedding – well, we all knew that already, I felt like saying but didn’t – and asked me lots of worrying questions about money, about being alone at night, and finally the weather.

“You know, Sadie has lived alone since university. Do you ask her all these questions?”

“Sadie has always been strong and independent. You were always clingy. Plus you always had Ross, well since a young age.”

“Well, I’m quite happy,” I told her. “Honestly. I’ve had my ups and downs but I’m finally starting to feel good about my life again.”

“Well, that’s wonderful to know. I’m happy for you.”

I deliberately didn’t tell her I might be getting back together with Ross; I knew she’d encourage and push me to make it happen, and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it all.

We finished with yet another empty promise from me about coming to visit.

I gazed out of the window for a while and considered if visiting Mum might actually be a good plan. Get some distance; forget about all the emotional ups and downs of the past year. Let Andrew have some Shane time without me calling every ten minutes.

And that’s when I realised it. I really was independent. I was coping financially – just about; I was thinking about taking trips on my own. I was making decisions about what to eat, what to do with my time, what to watch on TV, just simple every day decisions, but based solely on what I wanted and what would make me happy. And I liked it.

Still, Independent Jenny might be getting her life together; but she was still thinking a lot about a certain man. A married, unobtainable man.

As Friday got closer, I felt more and more nervous about seeing Will and Mandy. I wasn’t sure how I’d cope but when I said so to Shane, he said it’d be fine and maybe I wouldn’t even have the same feelings when I saw him. I didn’t believe that’d be the case but just knowing Shane would be there with me providing rational advice and a drunken shoulder to cry on, was kind of reassuring.

Three hours into the journey however, I wasn’t sure having him along was a good idea.

“How much further?” he asked as we swapped turns for driving.

“Another seven, eight hours maybe,” I told him.

“Wow, it’s such a long, long way.”

“It’ll seem even longer if you moan every other mile. Put some music on or something.”

He did as I suggested and onwards we went, slowly getting closer to our friend, and to her fiancé, and his brother. Eek. And his sister-in-law. Double-eek.

Shane relaxed a bit once we passed Glasgow. He was enthusiastic about the mountains, although they weren’t as visible as when I’d seen them a few months ago; it was raining and the water made the view hazy.

“It really is stunning,” Shane said, peering out of the window. “I can see why you fell in love with this area.”

“I fell in love with Skye,” I told him. “But yes I love it here too.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing this Will.”

“I’m not.”

“I know. But you’ll be fine.”

“So you keep saying.”

“What can go wrong? It’ll feel a bit weird but he’s not going to chat to you non-stop with his wife there, is he?”

He had a point.

“I’ll just get drunk and forget he’s there, I guess.”

“Good plan. Just go easy in those shoes.”

I chuckled. “Perhaps I’ll take them off after the ceremony.”

“Good idea, I hate to see a woman cripple her feet in the name of fashion.”

“I can’t believe Hayley’s getting married like this, so fast.”

“Well, she’s loved this guy, what’s his name?”

“The guy’s name is Guy.”

“Oh yeah,” Shane laughed. “She’s loved Guy since she was … what, fifteen?”

“True.”

“Sometimes you just know, I suppose.”

I thought about Will and sighed. “Yes, I suppose.”

“Hurrah, the bridge!” he said as it came into view.

“Not long now,” I told him.

The happy hormones started to buzz around as we crossed the bridge, and then finally we were on the Isle of Skye. I was thrilled to be here again, despite the very different and potentially awkward circumstances. I wondered if Will and Mandy had arrived yet. I hoped not. I wanted to spend as little time around them as possible.

We drove along the familiar roads, up and down hills, passed sheep, looked down on the town of Uig. The sky was grey, it was drizzly and not so bright and pleasant as the sunny week I’d enjoyed here with Will, and yet it was still beautiful. I’d rather spend a cold rainy day on Skye than be at home in the sunshine.

When we came to the familiar track, I jumped out and opened the gate for Shane to drive through. And then we were driving down the lane, and there was Guy’s house. And outside, next to his Land Rover, was Will’s Audi.