Chapter Three

 

After a restless night, the last thing I wanted was a phone call at 7am from Ross asking how I was.

“I need more time,” I told him. “Can you just give me a few days to think about this?”

He sighed. “Ah, right, I see. Well, if that’s what you need.” He sounded sad, and for a moment I almost told him to come over and we’d find a way to work it out. Then I remembered what he’d done and hung up on him.

“Morning,” said Shane, as I came down the stairs smiling at him. He was standing by the counter in the kitchen, having cleared up the soggy pasta I’d left on the stove.

“Thanks for staying, and for cleaning up,” I told him, squeezing his arm as he flicked my kettle on.

“Did you manage to sleep?”

“Not much.”

“I know it’s a tough time but things will get better.”

It all felt too surreal with Shane here instead of Ross, plus the pain in my chest. This wasn’t supposed to be happening.

After a bowl of porridge and a nice warm hug, Shane set off to open up his cafe, and I spent the rest of the day with my brain in overdrive, contemplating what had just happened, and what I’d do next. I kept changing my mind about how to handle this; one minute I was a tearful mess who just wanted Ross to come back and get on with our lives, the next I was furious and determined to make it a difficult and painful divorce for him. Neither state of mind seemed very attractive, but I couldn’t seem to find a middle ground.

Ross and I had been through so much together: friendship, falling in love, moving in together, getting engaged, buying a house, a fancy wedding, adopting a puppy. Eight years of my life spent with someone I trusted, that I had fun with, and who I thought I’d be with forever.

Last night was originally going to be something special. I’d planned to tell Ross I wanted to start trying for a baby. We’d not really talked about it much up until now, but I was ready. I saw the babies and children of my friends and I yearned to be a mother. I wanted to carry a baby and look into its eyes and know that, through the miracle of life, Ross and I had created that baby, and we’d love it unconditionally. I was going to tell him all this, seduce him and spend the evening trying to conceive for the first time.

As I lay on the sofa with Wentworth, I realised how that unborn baby would never be more than just a concept in my mind. No matter how I tried to remember the good times Ross and I had had together, I kept picturing his naked, sweaty body on top of some skanky tart he met in a pub, and I knew I’d never be able to let him touch me like that again. More tears came.

Eventually, somehow, I managed to get a few hours sleep. Then I had a shower, got dressed and walked to the corner shop, returning with a large bar of chocolate, before getting back into my pyjamas.

Wentworth wandered in and sat beside me on the sofa. He rolled onto his back with his paws in the air and I rubbed his tummy for a while until my phone started to ring. Ross had been calling regularly but I ignored him. He’d come and tried to get in a few times too but I’d locked the front door from the inside and left my key in the lock. I didn’t want to see him.

I picked up my phone and saw it wasn’t Ross this time, but my friend Hayley.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Jen,” she said in an upbeat voice.

Hayley and I had been friends since the first day of secondary school. She’d come bounding over to me during a lunch break and asked me if I thought it was a good idea for her to audition for the drama club. I told her to go for it, and she dragged me along too. She was always the star of the show. I was always an extra or on the lighting crew, but our friendship grew from then, and we were inseparable.

Hayley was always the one in and out of trouble, chasing after boys, making quick decisions, handing her homework in late. One time she ran away from home and no one knew where she was for almost twenty four hours, except me. She’d made me swear not to tell her parents that she was in her gran’s shed and it was only when I saw her mother’s tears that I confessed to knowing where she was.

By contrast, I avoided getting into trouble. My schoolwork was always the best I could do, I procrastinated before every decision, constantly seeking my parents’ approval.

Somehow, as teens, Hayley and I balanced each other out. She’d encourage me to have a little fun and I’d hold her back when she excitedly jumped feet first at every opportunity.

We drifted apart for a few years while at different universities, but found ourselves, by coincidence, both living in Bath a few years ago, and our friendship reignited. Ross and I had entertained Hayley and her fiancé Kieran for dinner during this past week to celebrate their engagement. We’d all sat there, eating dinner, drinking champagne, laughing and joking, while Ross hid his secret. He hadn’t acted any differently; hadn’t seemed out-of-sorts or guilty or anxious at all. I thought I knew him well enough to know when he was hiding something, but obviously not.

Hayley bought me back to the present.

“Jenny, are you there?”

“Sorry. Hi. How are you?”

“Is something wrong? Your voice sounds weird.”

I started crying again and Hayley said she’d come over. An hour later we were drinking coffee and I felt a bit better.

“You know you’ve got that time booked for a holiday?” Hayley said gently after I’d blubbed all over her shoulder and told her what had happened.

Ross and I had booked the first week of September out of work for a holiday but hadn’t actually planned where to go. We figured we’d go get a last-minute deal a few days in advance.

“Yes?”

“Well, if I could get the time off work, maybe we could go away together? I’d like a girly holiday before I get … um…”

“What?”

“Well, before I get married, and it’d give you some space and time away from Ross.”

“Where would we go?”

“I don’t know. We’d have to see what’s available.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course.”

I liked the idea but I couldn’t think that far ahead right now, it was still two weeks away.

“Do you think she was pretty? I mean, she must’ve been pretty, right? Or he wouldn’t have done it.”

“Oh Jenny, no way. She couldn’t be anywhere near as pretty as you. I’m going to get us more drinks. You stay there and take a breather.”

Easy for her to say, she hadn’t seen the skank. And she was biased. This cow must’ve been attractive or he wouldn’t have gone for her. I sighed. How could a perfect stranger have ruined my marriage without me even knowing what she looked like?

Hayley returned with two cups of hot tea.

“Ross is such an idiot. But you know, sometimes people make mistakes. Don’t rule out your ability to forgive.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I could even be in the same room as him, let alone consider forgiveness. Hayley left late and I went to bed where I cuddled up next to Wentworth again. He stretched out and let out a big sigh, again enjoying the extra space. Dogs are loyal, I thought. Much more loyal than husbands, as it turned out. I couldn’t fall asleep so I picked up my mobile, planning to bore myself into sleepiness by reading Facebook posts. Instead I saw that Ross had texted me several times.

4:05pm:You okay babe? Can I come home? I don’t want to come if you don’t want me there but we do need to talk. Please answer the phone. I love you x

6:13pm:I’m so sorry about all of this but tomorrow I’ll come home and we can talk, yeah? We can sort this out. I’ll do whatever you need. I love you x

6:14pm:By the way, Aiden says I’m an idiot. He’s right. I will make this up to you babe. Love you x

8:21pm:I guess Shane knows as he sent me an angry text. You see? You talk to him and not to me. I’m not blaming you, I’m just saying, you should be closer to me than him, that’s all. I’m here when you’re ready to talk to me x

10:32pm:Just let me know you’re okay or I will have to come round and be sure for myself x

I thought I’d better reply to that one.

Of course I told Shane, he’s my friend and I need friends right now. I am fine, no thanks to you. Please stop texting and calling, I will contact you when I’m ready.

Another text came in right away; couldn’t he leave me alone for one minute? But it was Shane.

Shane: Hope you’re alright. Just finished in the shop, you want me to come over? Xx

Me: I’m okay but thank you. What did you text Ross?! x

Shane: Glad you’re okay. I just text the word ‘bastard’ lol – sorry – I had to vent it!

Me: Love you x

Shane: Lol. Thank you. Love you too x

Somehow in the past twenty four hours my love for Ross had started to fade, much like the British summer I thought, as I heard the rain start to pelt my window.

The hurt and betrayal was too much. I didn’t think of him with love right then, but with anger. My imagined future no longer had him in it. Yet, what the future did hold was a scary prospect. I could never afford to live in our house alone, so I’d have to move out. Maybe I could rent a flat. I could join a dating site. I could go on a walking holiday. I’d make spare time to take up some hobbies and keep busy. Maybe I could be happy again. It’d be a fresh start.

The realisation of all the possibilities before me lifted me for a few minutes, but then I looked across at the empty pillow beside mine, and my heart sank once again as all the pain came flooding back.

I turned my phone off, pulled the duvet around me and listened to Wentworth snoring. I spent the rest of the night wondering how it’d happened. How did a married man go from having a drink in a bar with mates, to chatting to a total stranger, to having sex with her in a cheap hotel? Didn’t this girl see his wedding ring? Didn’t she care? And yet my anger was not towards her; it wasn’t her fault. It was his. He was the one who betrayed me.

The path before me was cloudy and I wasn’t sure which way to turn. The only thing I knew for sure was that life would never be quite the same again.