Rainey
I tried to open my eyes. My tears had fused them together and made them feel like cement against my puffy face. I smacked my lips; my mouth was dry and coarse, the lingering taste of the wine that Levi and I had enjoyed the night before coating my tongue.
The sun blared into my living room, signifying the start of a day that I didn’t know if I could face. Putting up my hand to block the incoming light, I moaned as I sat up from the couch where I must have fallen asleep last night. My back cracked, my muscles crying out from the fitful sleep I’d had. Stumbling over to the window, I pulled the blinds tightly shut.
Nothing last night had gone as planned. Everything I had imagined about how kissing Levi would feel was a thousand times better. The way we laughed, danced, and finally came together after months of him being patient and kind with me as I healed.
But all those wounds that had scabbed over were reopened last night when Parker asked me to take him back. All the work I had done, gone in an instant with words that many women would love to hear.
I love you.
I didn’t want those words. Not anymore. Maybe before, but now all I wanted was not to feel like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I wanted peace in my mind, which right now was a battlefield. I was at war. Not with Parker or Levi, but with myself. My own emotions, which tugged at me and pulled me toward a man I fell in love with at sixteen. He was all I’d ever known. Parker was comfort, routine, and normalcy wrapped in a frayed package. Levi was excitement, newness, shiny and bright.
My cell phone buzzed on the table, and I saw Ava’s name flash across the screen. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for her reaction to what happened last night. While I was calm and introverted with my emotions, Ava was loud and outspoken. We were opposites, but I loved her like a sister.
“It’s nearly noon, and you didn’t call me to give me the juicy details of your date. Tsk, tsk,” Ava scoffed.
“Sorry, I just got up.” I plopped down on the couch and tucked my feet underneath me.
“Damn. It was so good that you didn’t wake up until now? I want to know everything. How big is his schlong? Does he kiss like a porn star on crack?”
I let out a small laugh. Ava always knew how to make me smile. Even in my darkest times, she was my light. My constant.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” As my best friend, she knew when something was wrong without me even having to say it. It was both a blessing and a curse.
I whimpered, biting my lower lip to prevent myself from full-blown sobbing.
“Parker came back. He gave up the military for me. He laid it all out there. How he loves me. How he’s sorry. He wants me back.”
Ava was silent. Silence and Ava were never a good thing. I gripped the side of the couch, preparing for her outburst.
In three… two… one….
“That motherfucking asshole. After all these years he says those things? Well, it’s a little too late for that. You’ve moved on,” she yelled into the phone. I had to pull it away from my ear, she was so loud.
Now it was my turn to stay silent.
“Jesus Christ, Rainey, don’t tell me you took him back. You were doing so well, taking control of your life and living for you.” I heard Ava fumble with her phone and the sound of her laptop powering on.
“I didn’t. He left and went to stay somewhere else. I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not confused. I always wanted him to love me. It’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted my marriage to work.”
Ava sighed as she clicked on her laptop.
“I know, hon. I really do. But are you willing to go back to the way things were? Can you forget the infidelity? The way you lost yourself in your marriage to make him happy? Parker won’t be able to change overnight. It will take time. Counseling. All things that you have already tried. Remember, he didn’t try. But now that you’re happy, he’s taking that away from you. He’s taking away parts of my best friend, and it’s killed me for the past decade to watch you slowly lose your light in the name of love. That isn’t love, Rainey.”
Her words sliced me with their honesty. I didn’t want to give up any more of myself. I wanted to grow, to become the happy, balanced person I knew I could be. That had nothing to do with Parker and Levi. It had everything to do with me.
There it was again. The truth, that I had all of the control. It was easier to put the ball in someone else’s court. The reality was, I could have taken control whenever I wanted and demanded the respect I deserved, or walked away. But when you’re drowning in depression, you take what you think you deserve, and during those parts of my life, I’d felt like I deserved the anguish Parker put us through.
“You’re right. It’s just hard. Even this morning, I feel like I’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. The sun hurts my eyes. My body aches and my mind feels foggy. I hate feeling like this. I was so close to finding my happiness.” The tears fell, and Ava whispered soothing words in my ear.
“It’s going to be okay. Listen, I just booked a ticket to come see you. I’ll be there Tuesday night. I’m going to get my mother-in-law to watch the kids and help Beckett. I’d like my kids in one piece when I get back.” Beckett was her husband, and while he was a good spouse, he struggled with taking care of the kids all at once. I couldn’t say I’d handle three kids under the age of six well, either.
I sat up straight and patted down my hair like it was magically going to make me get my shit together.
“Don’t rearrange your life for me. I’ll be okay.” I felt guilty that she was going to all this trouble for me. I would be okay. Eventually.
“You sound as convincing as Beckett telling me my cooking is good,” she grumbled. “Let someone do something for you. You’re always trying to make someone happy. In your job. In your relationships. I’m coming, and we’re going to work through this together. Because that’s what best friends do. We stick together. Always.”
I was crying again. Damn Ava and her sudden poetic side.
“Thank you,” I whispered into the phone.
“No thanks necessary. But let me go and start getting things together. I love you, Rainey.”
“I love you too.”
Ending the phone call just made me feel even more alone. I stood up and glanced around my house, everything igniting fury within my body. My hands shook as I looked at everything that had once brought me such happiness. I was a fool. A damn fool to let Parker leave here last night thinking he had a right to fight for me. I would set that straight, but right now I needed something, anything to keep me from going off the deep end.
Still clutching my phone in my hand, I dialed work and picked up a shift for tonight. At least there I had something to focus on other than how much I was falling apart.
I ran my fingers along the walls, heading to the bathroom to take a bath and brush the day-old-wine taste off my tongue. I was going through the motions.
“You can do this. You can survive this bump in your life and come out happy. Stronger.” I said it out loud, my own voice sounding weak and foreign.
I stopped in the hallway, pictures lining the walls. There were pictures of Ava and me in high school, and various stages of our lives. All my nieces, from infants to the crazy toddlers they were now. Then there was Parker and me, smiling and holding hands on the bleachers of our high school. It was one of my favorite pictures of us, before he left for basic training and things changed. We were young and carefree and not yet out of goodbyes or familiar with the heartache and turmoil that distance brought to relationships. I snatched the picture off the wall, sending it shattering into pieces on the floor. Parker and I were once picture-perfect. The epitome of love and devotion. Now we were nothing but shattered pieces in a broken frame.