106
Apologizing to a Coworker for Unintended Gender Insensitivity

STRATEGY

Gender issues among peers are probably not as fraught as those with direct reports. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be tackled immediately or treated seriously. Offhand comments that may have gone unnoticed or commented on in the past could be gossip‐worthy or offensive today. If you have coworkers from younger generations this could be a particular danger. Your feelings don't matter. What counts is how your coworker feels. Approach this, as much as possible, as an apology to a friend. The more camaraderie you can create or draw on the more likely you'll be quickly forgiven. Include a clear “I'm sorry” statement, express regret, demonstrate that you know why your comments or actions were insensitive, and express empathy for how your coworker feels. Offer to reach out to others who saw your actions or heard your comments. Often, the offer is enough.

TACTICS

  • Attitude: Sincerity is vital. You're not apologizing for their perceptions, you're apologizing for your statements or actions. Accept that you may need to apologize more than once during the conversation and that there's no explanation that will excuse the comments or actions.
  • Preparation: Delivering a fulsome apology, even an informal one, isn't simple or easy. Draft your apology and commit it to memory before the conversation.
    Flow diagram depicting a course of action for 106. Apologizing to a Coworker for Unintended Gender Insensitivity with an opening statement, situations, and responses.
  • Timing: Make this approach as soon as you realize you've offended one of your coworkers. Don't wait to hear from someone else that you were out of line or for HR to require you to do this. The quicker you apologize the more likely it will be accepted.
  • Behavior: This should not be done electronically. It should be done in person rather that over the telephone, if possible. And you should go to your coworker's office to reinforce that you're humbling yourself.

ADAPTATIONS

This script can be modified to:

  • Apologize to a child or spouse for gender insensitivity.

KEY POINTS

  • Try to create an environment of camaraderie.
  • Make a clear “I'm sorry” statement, express regret, show that you know why your comments or actions were inappropriate, and express empathy.
  • Don't offer an explanation or rationalization: it will never be sufficient.
  • Offer to make a more public apology if it will make your coworker feel better.