67
Apologizing to a Direct Report for Unintended Gender Insensitivity

STRATEGY

Gender issues are among the most rapidly evolving matters in the workplace. What was an acceptable comment or phrase yesterday may be considered insensitive today. And today's workplace can include individuals from four generations, so different staffers could have different sensitivities and thresholds for being offended. Your sensitivities, even as a manager, don't matter. What counts are the perceptions of your direct reports. Apologies aren't matters of losing face, they're sound management tools. Every effective workplace apology must include a clear “I'm sorry” statement, an expression of regret, an acknowledgement that norms were violated, and an expression of empathy. Consider offering some form of recompense, but don't bend over too far backward. As a supervisor your sincere apology and a modest form of reparation is sufficient. Don't even try to offer an explanation: it will only weaken your apology. Instead repeat the apology, even if it isn't accepted.

TACTICS

  • Attitude: Sincerity is vital. You're not apologizing for their perceptions, you're apologizing for your statements or actions. Accept that you may need to apologize more than once during the conversation and that there's no explanation that will excuse the comments or actions.
    Flow diagram depicting a course of action for 67. Apologizing to a Direct Report for Unintended Gender Insensitivity with an opening statement, situations, and responses.
  • Preparation: Delivering a fulsome apology isn't simple or easy. Draft your apology and commit it to memory before the conversation.
  • Timing: Make this approach as soon as you realize you've offended one of your staff. Don't wait for HR to require you to do this. The more proactive you can be the more likely the apology will be accepted.
  • Behavior: This cannot be done electronically. It should be done in person rather than over the telephone, if possible. And you should go to your direct report, rather than having them come to you, to subtly reinforce that you're humbling yourself.

ADAPTATIONS

This script can be modified to:

  • Apologize to a friend or family member for gender insensitivity.

KEY POINTS

  • Make a clear “I'm sorry” statement, express regret and an acknowledgement of your violated norms, and express empathy.
  • Offer “compensation” as long as it doesn't put your role as a supervisor in danger.
  • Don't offer an explanation or rationalization: it will never be sufficient.
  • Always repeat the apology to reinforce your sincerity.