90
Asking a Coworker to Stop Backstabbing

STRATEGY

The secret to stopping a backstabbing peer is to show that the attacker, far from being constructive, is being unfair and personal. If the actions have been covert, deliver your message indirectly—that way the attacker can't simply deny involvement and end the conversation. If the attack was overt, or if the indirect approach doesn't work, deal directly. Ideally, you should conduct the discussion privately, which increases the chance of an honest exchange. But if that doesn't work, or if the attack is so damaging you must respond immediately, do it publicly. If all else fails, stress your willingness to take the dispute to a higher authority.

TACTICS

  • Attitude: Don't feel defensive or uneasy. You are an aggrieved party looking for justice. You're coming from a position of honesty so you've a right to feel confident.
  • Preparation: Jot down some notes about past attacks. For this script they'll simply serve as reminders. If need be, they'll help you prepare a memo if this dialogue doesn't work.
  • Timing: If the incident demands an immediate public response, do so. If not, approach the attacker privately as soon as possible after the latest attack.
  • Behavior: Hold this meeting in the attacker's office. Don't schedule it—simply arrive. If this is an indirect approach, you can sit down. If this is a direct approach, shut the door behind you and remain standing, keeping yourself between them and the door. In effect, this puts you in the dominant position, keeps them a captive in their office, and forces them to listen to you. As soon as you finish your script, turn your back on them and leave.
Flow diagram depicting a course of action for 90. Asking a Coworker to Stop Backstabbing with an opening statement, situations, and responses.
Flow diagram depicting a course of action for 90. Asking a Coworker to Stop Backstabbing with situations and responses.

ADAPTATIONS

This script can be modified to:

  • Confront a backstabbing acquaintance or friend.
  • Dispel a rumor.
  • Handle an off‐color joke.

KEY POINTS

  • Respond in kind: indirectly to covert attacks, directly to overt attacks.
  • If need be, respond publicly and immediately. Otherwise, have the discussion in private.
  • If the attacker denies either being the perpetrator, or that the attack was harmful, appeal for privacy.
  • If the attacker rationalizes their action, appeal for unity.
  • If the attacker is confrontational, threaten to bring the matter up with higher authorities or go public with it.