You’ll feel a powerful rage when your love relationship ends, whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper. Those angry feelings are a natural, healthy part of being human. How you express them makes all the difference. Don’t bottle your feelings up inside, but you needn’t get aggressive either. You can learn to express both your divorce anger and your “everyday” anger constructively. And you can learn to reduce your anger altogether.
I don’t know what came over me. I saw his car in the parking lot and I knew he had met his girlfriend and left in her car. I went over and let the air out of all four tires. Then I went behind the building and waited until they returned so I could watch them find his car with the tires flat. I watched them trying to solve their problem and I felt so good. I’ve never done anything like that before in my life. Guess I didn’t know how angry I could get.
—Jean
You’re approaching a point in the trail where fire is a very real danger. The hazards of anger are great during the divorce process, and if you don’t deal with it effectively, your anger might start a fire that can spread to the other rebuilding blocks and keep you from making progress on the trail.
In this chapter, we’ll take a close look at two types of anger: the extreme anger that is such a common feeling among people going through divorce, and the everyday anger we all experience in response to irritating life events and encounters with other people.
Divorce anger is extreme. Rage, vindictiveness, and overpowering bitterness are common feelings when a love relationship is ending. It is a special kind of anger that most of us have never experienced before. Married friends don’t understand the strength of it unless they, too, have ended a love relationship.
Everyday anger, while less intense than divorce anger, is just as important to deal with over the long haul. Somebody treats you unfairly. You’re stuck in traffic. The plumbing fails twenty minutes before your dinner party. The children are driving you nuts. Your boss gives you a project five minutes before closing. Your neighbor’s dog barks all night… . The list goes on.
Let’s begin our exploration of this “hot” topic by recognizing that anger is a feeling (an emotion), not a behavior, and it’s one we all experience, though each of us responds in our own way. When you get angry, your body knows it, even if you don’t (consciously). Although you may not be conscious of them, anger events have physical, psychological, and social elements. Your heartbeat and breathing speed up, your muscles tense, your thoughts focus on “what (or who) went wrong,” and you may express your angry feelings in words or actions that involve other people.
A lot of angry folks—maybe you?—try to keep their anger inside and not express it, and one school of thought suggests that you may become depressed as a result of buried anger. The divorce process can be pretty depressing anyway, and people who fail to express their anger during the early stages of divorce often get even more down. Others view anger and depression as separate emotions. What’s important here is the point both views agree on: like other emotions, anger needs to be dealt with in healthy ways.
Dumpers tend not to express anger because they feel so guilty, and dumpees don’t express it because they fear the other person won’t come back if they do. Both are “nice” for a while, and both feel a lot of depression during the breakup.
Anger may be expressed in violent ways, of course. Given the opportunity while they are at their angriest, some people do commit acts of violence during the divorce process. You’re lucky if you are able to restrain yourself and find more suitable methods of expressing these feelings of rage and vindictiveness.
The anger rebuilding block falls rather naturally into three phases.
The first phase is learning to accept that it’s okay to feel angry—it’s part of being human. There are many myths in our society depicting anger as weak, childish, destructive, immoral.
Many of us learned growing up that it’s not permissible to feel angry. Now we have to relearn that it is okay after all. This may be easy to do in your head, but it is much more difficult to do emotionally. The strong emotional reactions of others when you become angry may make you very reluctant to accept your angry feelings now. Just remember there is a difference between your feelings of anger and the way you act to express them.
The second phase, after acknowledging that you’re human and can feel anger, is to learn as many positive ways of expressing anger as possible—ways that will not be destructive to yourself or to those around you. We will explore in this chapter a number of those ways, including humor, physical exercise, assertive communication, and other methods.
Let us add a note of caution here about one of the most destructive ways people express anger at their exes during the divorce process: using their children as a vehicle. Corinne, for example, tried to turn the children into spies during visits with their dad, expecting them to report back to her when they came home. Annette would not allow Russ to see the kids until he paid child support; Russ would not pay child support until Annette allowed visitation. We forget about what’s best for the children because we are so intent on “getting back” at that other person. Getting back through the kids is hitting below the belt.
For the sake of the children, if for no other reason, learn constructive methods of dealing with your anger.
The third phase of anger rebuilding is to learn forgiveness and other ways to minimize your anger. Those of you in the first two stages may react emotionally with a big outburst now: “I will never forgive!” Well, it’s not just forgiving the other person that’s important, but learning to forgive yourself as well. It will also help to discover the triggers of your anger, practice effective relaxation responses, and develop calming messages to say to yourself. You’ll cut your stress a lot if you reduce your anger.
“You make me so mad!” How often have you heard—or said—those angry words? But it’s not so. Nobody makes you mad. You get angry because something happened or someone did something you didn’t like, but you are responsible for your anger; it’s your feeling. Blaming someone else for your anger is a mistake we all make, and learning to take responsibility for your anger is another important goal for rebuilding your life.
There is a powerful anger statement in the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale: “I blame my former love partner for the ending of our love relationship.” People who have not yet dealt with their anger will completely agree with that statement. Those who have done sufficient rebuilding work to have dealt with their anger begin to realize that failure, blame, and responsibility are two-way streets. What happened was part of a complicated interaction that did not work, not the fault of one person.
Taking responsibility for anger takes a long time for most of us. It requires a great deal of maturity and strength to do that. It’s so much easier to blame the other person! The stage of forgiveness is actually about learning to forgive yourself and letting go of your anger. A key step in that learning is to discover the triggers of your anger.
A helpful exercise when exploring anger is to identify and list the “triggers” of your anger. Some of the life events that trigger anger include unrealistic expectations, frustration, delays, interference, disrespect, abandonment, rejection, and discrimination, among many others. When you get really angry, can you tell which of your buttons someone has pushed? What are some of the things that set you off? It is worth a break on the trail to think about it for a time.
Elaine was so angry about Steve’s efforts to gain custody of the children because she was doubting her own abilities as a parent. Charles was so angry about Marie leaving the marriage because it reignited the feelings of abandonment he experienced in the past when his mother died.
Dumpees, as we have discussed, tend to feel more anger than dumpers. When relationships end, most of the power is in the hands of the dumpers. They hold the cards, and the dumpees have to take whatever hand is dealt. It is frustrating to feel out of control, and frustration can lead to anger.
How about rejection? Dumpees are usually still in love, and they suddenly find out that the people they love don’t love them anymore. Such deep rejection often leads to anger.
The future can be another push-button issue. Dumpees thought their future was all planned. Then suddenly they’re alone (and lonely), forced to develop a brand-new life plan. This step is often accompanied by worries of making it financially, which is very difficult and frustrating to face. The dumpee feels afraid—often really afraid. Anger can seem an effective way to fight that fear, to get the adrenaline going to overcome it. Dumpees thus tend to feel more anger, and their scores on the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale tend to reflect that.
Have you thought about how appropriate it is to feel very angry when your love relationship ends? “What,” you may ask, “is appropriate anger?” Anger that is in proportion to the present situation is appropriate. Harry was mad because someone ran into his new car; Jan felt angry because someone said something mean to hurt her; Sharon got quite frustrated when she was unable to accomplish a simple task, such as threading a needle. Appropriate anger is realistic for the situation—the feeling fits the event.
Inappropriate anger is out of proportion to the event. When Bea is driving and the light turns red, she also turns red. A chance remark causes Bart to start a fistfight. These excessive responses are not consistent with the importance of the event. Of course you feel angry when your love relationship ends. It’s not only appropriate, it’s beneficial and productive. “What?” you say. “Anger is beneficial?” Yes, because anger helps us to let go and become emotionally distant from the former love partner. People who are unable to express anger will prolong the letting-go process. They often experience a great deal of depression, stay stuck, and are unable to end the strong feelings they have for the former love partner.
Many people find that obstacles from the past block the trail for them in this stage of rebuilding, keeping them from learning about the positive aspects of anger. Theresa had been badly abused as a child and had accumulated a great deal of childhood rage. In trying to help her express her anger, she was asked what she thought would happen if she expressed her feelings with her therapist. Theresa was silent for a long while, and then she admitted that she was afraid the therapist would hurt her. The fear of retaliation keeps many of us from expressing anger.
Anthony came into the office with a “Buddha smile” on his face. His son was flunking out of school by doing nothing, and his daughter was running away. An always-smiling face is often a mask for anger. Anthony, a self-ordained minister, was unable to express his anger because he had an image to maintain: “Preachers don’t act angry” was his motto. But his anger came out with his children through physical abuse. His children reacted to the divorce with appropriate angry feelings, but their behavior was harmful and not constructive. The children needed to learn positive ways of expressing anger, but emotionally, they were learning from Anthony to abuse their future children instead. We often learn to express anger the same way our parents did.
Sometimes it is a reaction to our parents’ anger that we learn. Jim saw his father throwing temper tantrums and acting childish, and as a result, he decided that he would never be like his father by acting childish around his children. So when he felt angry, he became stoic, putting on a stone-faced mask, like Anthony’s always-smiling mask. His face would look like granite, and he would never admit that he was feeling angry.
If your angry feelings were validated when you were a child, if you were taught to express your angry feelings freely and in constructive ways, you’re not likely to accumulate and “sandbag” anger. But if your anger was punished, if you weren’t allowed to express anger in constructive ways (such as those described later in this chapter), or if you grew up among very angry people or others who pushed your normal frustration up to abnormal levels, you probably accumulated what might be called “childhood rage.”
Anger that accumulates unexpressed may lead any small event to trigger inappropriate behavior. You won’t have to think very long to imagine someone you know whose anger expression is always out of proportion. Look out for such people during the divorce process. They sometimes do violent things, like run over people with cars!
Some families need someone to blame for everything that goes wrong. They find a scapegoat and dump all of the blame upon that person. A person who has been the scapegoat in his or her family (were you?) will have great difficulty expressing anger. This person will have a great deal of childhood rage.
Perhaps it’s not surprising, then, that scapegoats are prone to divorce. They have to do a great deal of emotional relearning before they can overcome the feeling that they are too worthless to have the right to be angry. Being the scapegoat is so harmful that professional counseling may be needed to heal from this destructive role.
And let’s not forget the martyr. Almost every divorce seminar we’ve conducted has either a martyr or an ex-partner of a martyr in it. Martyrs try to live through other people. They sacrifice themselves to “helping” others, seemingly without limit, at great personal cost to themselves. The feeling behind martyrdom may well be genuine, but the giver is not giving because he or she cares, but because there is a fear of losing the other person or because giving as a way of connecting was learned at an early age. Perpetual giving, for selfish reasons, will eventually cause resentment in the martyr’s partner. But the partner will find it very difficult to express this resentment because the martyr’s self-denying style generates a nurturing response.
Martyrs try to find their identities through other people, and living through others makes the martyr relationship destructive to both people in it. (Chapter 15 contains an exercise that may help clarify the martyr role.)
How do you escape being a martyr if you are one yourself? Or how do you help another person to escape being a martyr? The martyr who doesn’t have an identity of his or her own needs to work at finding that identity; to stop giving exclusively and learn to take and accept from others as well; to feel good about himself or herself; to establish his or her own activities, interests, goals; and to escape the martyr role.
If you’re a martyr or the partner of a martyr, find a friend or therapist to talk to so you can begin to work through your feelings.
It’s important to emphasize again the difference between the special divorce anger you may feel about your dissolution and your everyday anger in connection with other life situations: Divorce anger needs to be released (by yourself or in therapy) in nondestructive ways. Your goal is to get over it. Everyday anger—in relationships with friends, family, lovers, children, coworkers—needs to be expressed constructively, directly, firmly, and honestly. Your goals are to encourage communication, to develop deeper relationships, and to move on.
Let’s take a look at some methods for constructively expressing divorce anger, then we’ll examine ways for you to deal with anger whenever it occurs in your everyday relationships.
It is tempting to act on your strong desire to take your divorce anger out on your former spouse directly. Most of us want to call up the ex and do what we can to hurt, get back, be vindictive, and vent our anger directly. This is not helpful. When you throw a few logs on the divorce anger fire, your ex will likely throw a few logs back in retaliation. Pretty soon, the fire is consuming both of you. It’s better to express your anger in other ways, such as those suggested here, rather than taking it out directly on your former spouse.
Couples who have learned to express anger to each other in their relationships often are able to continue to express this anger as they go through the divorce process. However, if you—like most of us—had trouble expressing anger in your marriage, you’re not likely to find it any easier during the adversarial and often inflammatory divorce process. We hope the ideas in this chapter will help.
Humor can be a very effective way of expelling angry feelings. Harriet became the “comedian” of one seminar group. “I don’t know what to tell people when they ask me where my ex is,” she told the group. “I don’t want to tell them that he’s off with another woman.” One week she arrived with a big smile. “I finally decided that the next time a person asks me, I’ll tell them that he croaked!” She laughed, the whole group laughed, and everybody was able to vent at least some of their angry feelings temporarily through laughter. A sense of humor is always valuable in life, but it is especially valuable in dealing with anger.
Another effective way to express anger is to call a friend and say, “I need to talk about this anger that I’m feeling toward my ex. I know I may not make sense sometimes. I know that I may become very emotional. And I know that some of the things that I say may not be what I’m really feeling all of the time. But right now, I’m feeling really angry, and I need you to listen to me talk about my anger.” A lifeline support friend who will help you through these times is one of your best tools for dealing with anger.
Many people who experience intense divorce anger are able to use fantasies to help them express it. Sandy was an expert at conjuring up scenarios like this: “I go to the garden store and buy a sack of hot lawn fertilizer. Then, in the middle of the night, I go over to my ex’s house and write obscene four-letter words with the fertilizer all over his front lawn. Every time he has to mow the grass all summer long, he’ll read them!” We have to keep in mind, of course, that fantasies are just that and should not be acted upon! If you’re someone who doesn’t have much self-control, you probably shouldn’t try this tactic, because acted-out fantasies are likely to be destructive.
Physical exercise of any sort is usually helpful for a time. Physical games, jogging, housecleaning, beating a rug, or anything like that is especially useful. Anger is a source of energy, and it’s healthy to use up that energy. Physical activity is a good way to do that. You can be more effective in expelling anger through physical exercise if you use other techniques along with it. For example, when you play a game of golf or tennis, you can fantasize that the ball is your ex’s head. If you add some grunting and groaning, using your voice along with your muscles, that would be even more effective. When you go jogging, you can mentally picture your ex’s face on the ground in front of you, then pounce on it with every step.
If you feel comfortable using cuss words, this can be an effective way to vent strong feelings of divorce anger. Using your vocal cords provides a vehicle for getting your gut feelings to literally come out your throat and mouth and be expelled from your body.
Try getting your feelings out by screaming. Most of us would not be comfortable screaming with people around, but maybe you can find a place to go and scream alone. Charlene was able to do this by driving her car to a private place. Then she would park for a while and scream, cry, and yell, which she found so helpful to get out her anger. Her kids became aware of it, and when they saw her getting upset, they would say, “Mom’s about ready to go to her screaming place again!”
(Keep in mind that the purpose of your cussing and/or screaming is to get your feelings out, not to attack the target of your anger.)
Tears are another way to express divorce anger. Crying is a positive, honest expression of feelings. Many people, especially males, have difficulty crying. Give yourself “permission” to cry—it will help you feel better. Crying is a natural body function for expressing sadness or anger.
Yet another effective way of getting divorce anger out is to write a letter saying all of the things that you would like to say to your former love partner. Write it in really big or bold letters, maybe using crayon or marker, to show your anger. But after you have written the letter, do not mail it. Instead, take the letter to the fireplace and burn it up. In this way, you will have both expressed your anger and symbolically burned it up.
You may find the empty chair technique to work for you. Imagine that your former love partner is sitting in a vacant chair in front of you, and say everything that you would like to say to that person. If you’re good at this kind of thing, you can even switch chairs and say the things that you imagine the person would say back to you. Then go back to your chair and continue the dialogue until you’ve adequately expressed your emotions.
As you can see, there are many ways for you to vent your divorce anger. You will not find all of these ways helpful—in fact, you may have a great deal of resistance to some and be completely unable to use them. But you are limited by only your own creativity, ingenuity, and inhibition in finding ways to vent your divorce anger.
Keep in mind, as you consider and perhaps try the divorce anger expression methods noted above, that venting, while it can be healthy if handled constructively, is not a cure for anger. Again, your goal is to get over it, to get it out so you can let it go.
Incidentally, some people are not able to express anger because of a need to “keep” it, like a security blanket. If you let go of that anger, you will not have it as a tool for punishing the other person. So you may get some sort of payoff or reward for holding on to your anger. The question for you to think about is: What kind of person would you like to be? Do you like being an angry person, or would you like to let go of the anger?
And once again, remember that these are ways to release some of your divorce anger. We do not recommend any of the above methods as healthy ways to express everyday anger. That’s coming up next.
As we begin this discussion of everyday, garden-variety anger—the kind we all experience in response to the ups and downs of daily life, we encourage you to keep in mind that how we act (our behavior) is not the same as how we feel (our emotions). Feelings and behavior are really two different parts of who we are.
Anger is a feeling. Assertion and aggression are types of behavior. Remember Jean from the beginning of this chapter? She’s the one who let the air out of her ex’s tires. Jean was feeling such strong anger that her behavior was definitely aggressive. It would have been possible for her to express her anger in other ways. For instance, she could have been even more aggressive and acted in some violent way toward her ex—maybe by physically attacking him. Or she could have expressed her anger by confronting him directly and telling him exactly how she felt: “I’m so mad at you, I feel like letting the air out of your tires! You’ve been unfair and unreasonable!” You get the idea: angry feelings can be expressed through many different behaviors. Put yourself in the following situations:
You have been waiting in line for concert tickets for two hours. Two “friends” of the man in front of you walk up and say, “Hey, Joe, how about letting us in here?”
The child support check is two weeks late, and you really need the money to buy clothes for the kids before school starts next week. When you call your ex, the answer is, “Well, I had a lot of expenses from my trip to Hawaii, and I won’t be able to pay you until next month.”
You read in the newspaper that your state legislature has just voted itself a 20 percent raise—and voted to cut support for schools by 10 percent.
Angry? Well, you should be! These situations and a thousand other examples of unfairness, abuse, thoughtlessness, and other mistreatment are good cause for anger. Never mind what you were told as a child—anger is natural, normal, healthy, and human! We all feel it at times. (If you think you never get angry, maybe you have already forgotten the difference between feelings and behavior. Go back and reread the paragraphs above.)
The question now is, “What do I do about my anger?” We have already discussed some ideas for releasing the strong feelings of divorce anger—humor, fantasies, exercise, screaming, crying, and others. These ways are helpful while you are getting rid of that powerful anger toward your former partner. But they do not give you much help for dealing with your anger in everyday situations because they are designed to release anger about a situation you are no longer in. We need methods to use in situations involving ongoing relationships.
One of our favorite communication techniques is the use of I-messages, first introduced years ago as a part of the Parent Effectiveness Training programs of psychologist Thomas Gordon. As mentioned in chapter 4, I-messages start with the word “I” and place the responsibility for your feelings on you, rather than blaming the other person for your anger. I-messages allow you to get anger and other strong feelings out of the way so that closeness, intimacy, and love may come into the relationship. I-messages also help you identify what it is you are feeling, rather than covering up your feelings by blaming the other person.
Learning to use I-messages will help you communicate with all of the loved ones around you—lovers, children, friends, relatives. Start practicing I-messages as a way of improving your interactions with others and as a way of expressing anger constructively. A simple example: instead of “You make me mad!” try “I get so mad when you…” The difference may seem subtle, but notice that, when you say “I get so mad,” you accept responsibility for your own feelings. And you take back control over your feelings rather than giving that power to someone else.
(Note that I-messages are great for expressing positive feelings as well!)
Expressing anger constructively is probably as important as anything you can do to make your love relationship productive and keep it clear of all the garbage that accumulates. (That garbage is another cause of divorce—how many is that now?) Talking out anger is the relief valve that keeps the relationship from exploding. And talking out anger usually leads to intimacy (and often to good sex). It is worth it!
Anger expression has been a special interest of Bob’s for many years. His best seller Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships, coauthored with Michael Emmons, offers a system for positive, constructive anger expression. It takes some effort, but you and your relationships will benefit a great deal if you follow the steps below, adapted from the book.
Before you get angry:
When you get angry:
As noted earlier, not all anger is justified (appropriate), and not all anger must be expressed. Sometimes an act of forgiveness is the healthiest thing you can do. We’re not saying to “turn the other cheek” all the time, nor are we going back on our advice to express your anger and keep your life clear. What we’re saying here is that you must make a choice as to where you’re going to expend your energy.
You can’t address all the wrongs in the world, not even those in just your own life. Sometimes, as the old saying goes, discretion really is the better part of valor. Take a moment to decide if a situation is worth making the effort to express your anger. If it is (as when someone has treated your child unfairly), then by all means do so assertively. If not (as when someone has cut you off on the freeway), take a deep breath and get on with your life.
Don’t stop climbing when you feel the fires of anger starting within you. This chapter has given you permission to feel angry and has offered you ways of expressing anger positively and constructively so you can work it through until there’s nothing left but ashes. The fire may smolder for a long time, but it is better to let it burn out so that you can be free. Take your time on this part of the trail, with forest fires raging around you, and be careful. It is important that you get through without destroying the people in your environment or destroying yourself. Uncontrolled anger can be very destructive.
Our research indicates that the average person going through the divorce process stays angry at his or her ex-spouse for three years. How long will you choose to be angry at your former partner? Who is being hurt by your anger, and what does it accomplish?
Anger is one of the most important rebuilding blocks because it spreads to the feelings in the other blocks. If the fires of divorce anger are burning out of control in you, then you will have trouble working your way up the trail until you get them under control.
A great sense of relief will result from working through your anger until there is nothing left of it but ashes. This will free energy for other areas in your life. You can forgive yourself and your partner for the love relationship not working out. You can stop blaming yourself, stop feeling like a failure; you can find the internal peace that comes from letting go of painful things. You will then be able to talk to your ex in a calm and rational manner without becoming emotionally upset. Now you can deal with friends—either your partner’s or yours—without becoming irritated. You suddenly wake up and find there is sunshine back in your life instead of the stormy cloud of anger. You realize that things just happened the way they happened and that there is no point in blaming somebody.
Zack, a seminar participant, picked up a slogan that is very useful when working through the divorce process: “It just doesn’t matter.” So many things that seemed important to us before just are not anymore. Once you reach the stage of forgiveness, you’ll no longer feel the need to punish or be vindictive toward your former partner.
Children of divorce experience the same type of extreme divorce anger that their parents do. The daughter of one divorced parent became uncontrollably angry at her father in the swimming pool one day. She screamed at him about some very minor oversight. The anger was far stronger than the situation warranted and was apparently a direct result of a feeling of abandonment, for which she blamed her father.
It is very easy for divorced parents not to allow their children to be angry. The custodial mother will many times try to establish a good relationship between her children and their father, even though he has not kept visitation appointments and appears to be involved in activities without the children much of the time. The mother may try to help the children to accept their father without being angry. But it is appropriate for children to be angry at the noncustodial parent who lets them down.
It is also easy for us to withdraw love when our children express anger. We may be so emotionally uptight ourselves that when our children get angry, we immediately become unaccepting: “Go to your room until you can learn to behave properly!” We need to find that extra energy to listen to and accept our children’s anger. But we also need to see to it that they do not become aggressive, have temper tantrums, or break things. Allow your children to express their anger in the same positive, constructive ways explained in this chapter. When they express that they are very angry at their father or mother for not showing up, just accept that and say, “I think it’s right for you to feel angry in this situation, and when you get over it, you’ll feel better.”
Most of us learned our emotional blocks for expressing anger through some interaction with our parents. We were punished for being angry, or we were not allowed to be angry, or we were sent to our rooms for showing anger, feeling rejected and unloved because of it. It is far better for children to learn that anger is part of being human and that it is okay to express anger in a positive way.
Check up with yourself with these statements before you go on. Remember to be honest with yourself!