You need to stop investing emotionally in your dead love relationship. It is easier to let go if your own life bucket is full rather than empty. Dumpers tend to let go more quickly, often because they let go even before they left. Failure to let go may be a sign that you are not facing some painful feelings within yourself.
Stella: “Harry left me four years ago, and he immediately remarried.”
Counselor: “I notice you are still wearing a wedding ring.”
Stella: “Yes, it’s very important to me.”
Counselor: “And you wrote me a check for the therapy with Harry’s name still on the bank account.”
Stella: “I guess I just can’t let go.”
Did you ever get a song in your brain that you keep humming over and over? How many songs can you think of that have to do with letting go? Here are a few to get you started:
Most of us have ended a love relationship at one time or another in our lives, even if it was when we were teenagers and dating. It is interesting that this common phenomenon has been researched so little. We seem to depend a lot on poets and songwriters to teach us about ending a love relationship.
Let’s start with a clear idea of just what letting go is. Try this: Clasp your hands together with the fingers loosely intertwined, then pull your hands apart while you continue to clasp. That gives you an experiential description of what we mean by “disentanglement.” It involves the painful letting go of all your strong emotional feelings for that other person.
The feeling of being in love is not the only thing that’s hard to give up. There are also feelings of anger, bitterness, and vindictiveness. Someone who still talks about the former love partner a great deal, whether in endearing or in angry terms, has not let go of strong feelings for that person.
It’s common for people to claim during the “honeymoon period” of the divorce process that they want to continue being friends. Then when the dumper guilt and dumpee anger set in, the desire to stay friends begins to disappear. But many people strive so hard to remain friends that they fail to let go—and fail to allow the anger to come and help them do it. Because of this, it is advisable not to maintain the friendship during that early stage; wait until after you have disentangled. Trying to be friends may prolong the process and even endanger the possibility of being friends later on. (That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be civil, or even cordial, just not friendly.)
Another aspect that needs to be mentioned is “runaway syndrome.” Most divorced people at some time in the process have a strong urge to run away. They want to move to a new community, away from where the former spouse is living, to avoid the pain of running into the former spouse or mutual friends.
Coleen had been married to a college professor who left her when he became involved with a young student. Driving her car down the street one day, Coleen saw him in his car with the younger woman. Before she could even pull over, she vomited. Needless to say, it is very painful to see the former love partner with a new mate.
If you are running toward something, such as a new job, a former home with a support system of family or friends, or anything that is an advancement in your life, maybe a move is advisable. But if you are running away from dealing with the unpleasant situation, you should reconsider. You are already under a stressful situation, and a major move will only add to the stress.
Difficult as it will probably be, there are advantages to staying in your present community and dealing with the painful feelings of seeing your former spouse and his or her friends. (“So you were married to the president of the chamber of commerce? I know him well.”) People who move may just be burying and denying the process of letting go. Those who stay and tough it out will likely be able to see and talk with the former spouse sooner without becoming emotionally upset. They will have dealt with the disentanglement rebuilding block more effectively by confronting it.
There appears to be a connection among three key rebuilding blocks: denying that the love relationship is ending; grieving the loss; and letting go of the dead relationship. As we climb the trail, we may be working on all three interconnected blocks at the same time.
Let us talk to you dumpers for a moment. (You dumpees may listen in if you want, because we’ll be talking about you!)
Dumpers often want to “be kind” to the dumpee to avoid feeling guilty, but this only prolongs the process. If you are going to be a dumper, do it with strength, courage, and firmness. It is far kinder than being timid about dumping.
Richard thought he would be a kind dumper, making it a point to take Barbara (the dumpee) out to dinner every week, supposedly to make her feel better. But each time he did it, it was like throwing a few crumbs to a hungry cat. It kept the cat from finding other places to eat, and it kept the cat at a starvation level. Barbara failed to let go as long as there seemed to be some hope of reconciliation. Bluntness may be far kinder than “kindness” to the dumpee. Richard was being “kind” only to himself—easing his guilt feelings.
There are other situations that prolong letting go. Lengthy court hearings will drag things out. Children and pets that have to be exchanged at regular intervals may prolong the process, as may continuing to live close to each other. (The same town is okay; next door is not!) A joint business that forces you to keep dealing with each other is another delaying factor. (Business matters often do make disentanglement more difficult; weigh carefully any decisions in this area. You’ll want advice from your attorney and tax advisor.)
Another problem in letting go has to do with in-law relationships. Divorce usually includes separation from the ex-partner’s family as well. While in most cases, the ties with in-laws are broken or much loosened at the time of divorce, the breakup may have the opposite effect. In some situations, the in-laws’ emotional ties remain stronger to their son- or daughter-in-law than to their own son or daughter.
All fifty states have laws that give grandparents visitation rights with their grandchildren regardless of who has custody. However, it’s not a sure thing. In 2000, the US Supreme Court overturned a Washington State law that granted grandparents broad visitation rights. Currently, about twenty of the states have statutes that restrict visitation, usually under “best interests of the child” criteria. Even in states with more permissive laws, grandparents may have to petition the court to gain access to their minor grandkids if the parents object. It appears likely that grandparents’ rights will be more clearly defined—and perhaps more limited—in the future. In the meantime, we advise grandparents to view visitation as a privilege, not a right and, if this is an issue in your family, check out the current law in your state.
With or without all of these complications, the big question remains: How do you let go? For many of us, “How do I stop loving that person?” is the tough issue. It is much easier to let go, of course, if you have other things going for you. A good job, a good support system, friends and relatives who are helpful and supportive, some sort of internal fullness rather than emptiness—all of these will help fill the void created when the beloved person is removed.
There are some specific things you can do to help yourself let go. Start by going through the house and removing all of those things that tend to keep you thinking about your former love partner. Pictures, wedding gifts, birthday gifts, and similar mementos can be removed so that they are not a constant reminder. You may need to rearrange the furniture in the house, perhaps even make the house look as different as possible from the way it was when you were living there as a married couple. The marriage bed is often an especially important symbol. You may need to get a new spread, move the bed to a new spot in the bedroom, put it in another room, sell the bed, or even give it away.
You may want to make a collection of all those reminders of your former love relationship and store them in a box in the garage or basement. Some weekend you may choose to do some implosive grieving, bringing out all of these mementos and setting aside a period of time to grieve as heavily as possible. This heavy grief period will probably be very depressing, and we suggest you have another person around for support. Becoming as out of control as possible in your grieving may help you to let go more rapidly. By increasing the intensity of the grief, this implosive grieving may shorten the number of weeks or months it takes you to let go fully.
Another area that is a problem for many people is dealing with phone calls, letters, and visits from—or for—the former love partner. If it is evident that he or she is hanging on, you may feel irritated. But the fact that you keep allowing it to happen may indicate that you have not let go either. It takes two to keep this game going. If you simply refuse to play the game, it will be easier on everyone in the long run. You will have to become assertive, perhaps hanging up the phone or returning letters unanswered and unopened.
You also can make a decision to control your thinking and fantasizing about the former love partner. Whenever you find yourself weeping about that person, think about something painful or something unpleasant in the love relationship. That will lead you to stop thinking about the person. As an alternative, you may simply choose another image or subject to concentrate on, instead of focusing on the past love.
There is a more abstract answer to the problem of letting go. Often a pattern of behavior has at its core a specific feeling—such as guilt, fear of rejection, fear of being unlovable, or low self-worth and lack of confidence. It is surprising how often we set up our lives to feel the feeling we are most afraid of! If we fear rejection, we either consciously or unconsciously set ourselves up to be rejected. If we have a need to feel guilty, we set up situations that make us feel guilty.
When Teresa and Patrick came for marriage counseling, his pattern of behavior was to seek rejection, and hers was to feel guilty. Their neurotic needs fit together perfectly. They went through years of marriage with her feeling guilty because he felt rejected. She set up reasons to feel guilty, thus feeding his feelings of rejection.
When love relationships end, we tend to respond with the feeling that is at the root of our behavior. If it is rejection, we feel rejected; if guilt, we feel that. Unfortunately, such a feeling may be so great that one is not strong enough to endure it and let go at the same time.
If you are having a difficult time letting go, ask yourself, What feeling would I feel the strongest if I did let go of my ex-love? Maybe your reluctance to let go is actually covering up your inability to face yet another painful feeling. For instance, you may be afraid to let go because it will force you to deal directly with your fear of being alone. So you avoid feeling alone by not letting go. You will probably have to face that feeling directly before you will be able to let go. Get help from a lifeline friend or a counselor if you feel the need for support.
The goal of working through this rebuilding block is to emotionally invest in your own personal growth instead of in the dead relationship. There is no return on an investment in the relationship’s emotional corpse. The greatest possible return comes from investment in yourself.
Children of divorce deal with this rebuilding block by letting go of their past concept of the two-parent family. Suddenly, it is a one-parent family, with a custodial and a noncustodial parent. Even if there is joint custody, the children still have to deal with two different lifestyles in two different homes. It is hoped that the children will not have to let go of the quality of their relationships with both parents.
Children may have difficulty, however, in dealing with their parents’ ability to let go or not. This may become an important rebuilding block for children if they continually hear from one parent about all of the good things (or bad things) the other parent is doing. If the parents have not let go of the relationship, the children will tend to get caught in either the positive or negative feelings between the parents. This will prolong the adjustment process for the children.
Take time on the trail now to stand still and shake off those feelings from the past that keep you investing in the dead relationship. Jump up and down to feel strong inside, shake off the heavy burden you have been carrying, and find the free feeling that comes from not carrying that dead love relationship on your back.
Finally, check yourself out on the items listed below. Have you really let go?