It is okay to feel good about yourself. You can learn to feel better about yourself and thus gain strength to help you adjust better to a crisis. As you successfully adjust to a crisis, you will feel even better about yourself! If you are experiencing a personal identity/rebellion crisis, you may be seriously straining your love relationship.
When I was a child, my father continually warned me about getting a “big head” and becoming “stuck on myself.” Then I went to church and learned that I had been born sinful. At school, it was the jocks and the brains who got all the attention. Finally, I married so there would be someone who thought I was worthwhile. It made me feel good that someone cared. But then she became a pro at pointing out my faults. I finally reached a point where I began to believe I was truly worthless. It was then that I decided to leave the marriage.
—Carl
Wow! This self-worth portion of the trail is crowded with people who appear unable to continue the climb. Some sit on rocks, dejected, without energy left to climb. Some are lying on the ground like doormats, expecting everyone to walk on them. The faces of some show the effects of criticism and feelings of worthlessness. Some seem almost invisible, as if a shield surrounds them, blending them into the background.
Notice those people who are followed everywhere by a black cloud! Rain falls on them, but not on those around them. That woman over there seems to have misplaced her black cloud for a while. She is anxiously peering over her shoulder, stumbling over rocks—can she be searching for the lost cloud? Sure enough, the cloud has caught up with her and is raining on her again, and she actually seems more content now.
In this portion of the climb, learning more about self-worth and ways to improve it are our main concerns. Self-worth—also known as “self-concept” and “self-esteem”—refers to the way you see yourself, your core beliefs about your value as a human being. Heavy stuff.
Growing up, Bruce thought he alone suffered from an affliction called an “inferiority complex,” never realizing that the term was used so often because many others feel inferior. (Indeed, hasn’t everybody at some point?)
When Fisher divorce seminar participants are asked to raise their hands if they want to improve their self-esteem, all hands usually go up. Do you see how important this rebuilding block is?
Have you ever wondered whether self-concept exists at birth or if it is learned later? These days, psychologists believe it’s about fifty-fifty. Apparently, we are born with certain tendencies, and then we learn much of how we feel about ourselves during the early years from the significant people around us, including parents and siblings, teachers, coaches and counselors, and relatives. This basic level of self-concept is later influenced strongly by peers—especially during the teen years. As an adult, a love partner becomes a primary source of validation and feedback, greatly affecting one’s feelings of self-worth.
Many marriages that end in divorce developed a pattern of interaction destructive to the self-concept of one or both of the parties involved. In fact, some become so destructive that the parties may not be able to end the marriage: “I don’t even deserve a divorce!” For example, a battered wife may think she deserves to be emotionally and physically abused. She may be unable to risk leaving the marriage because she’s convinced she would not be able to make it on her own. Many people suffer serious erosion of their self-esteem in bad marriages before finally seeking relief in divorce.
But when the physical separation comes and the love relationship ends, self-concept hits an all-time low. So much of a person’s identity is involved in the love relationship that when the marriage fails, the identity suffers.
Bruce once had a group of separated people complete the Tennessee Self-Concept Scale (a paper-and-pencil psychological test designed to measure feelings of self-worth). It would be hard to find another group of people whose average score was as low as theirs. Ending a love relationship can be devastating to self-concept. In fact, feelings of self-worth at this time may be the lowest ever experienced. A low self-concept immobilizes some people emotionally, making them unable to function in their jobs, in their parenting of their children, or in their interaction with others.
Further study of the self-concept scores of this same group of people showed that those with a good self-concept were better able to adjust to the ending of their love relationship. The research confirms what our common sense tells us: a good self-concept makes adjustment to a life crisis easier.
Obviously, feelings of self-worth are very important to the way we live. Since ending a love relationship is usually detrimental to selfconcept, most of us need to improve our feelings about ourselves after experiencing a major life crisis such as this. It is reassuring to know that self-concept can be enhanced. That is an exciting and optimistic viewpoint—you can relearn, grow, and change! You don’t have to be saddled with old feelings of low self-worth.
During the course of the ten-week Fisher divorce seminar, changes in self-worth are among the most significant outcomes for participants. What techniques are used? How do people make such big changes? Let us share with you some tools you may use to improve your own self-esteem. These are not magical, and your attitude toward yourself will certainly not change overnight, but we hope you’ll try them. We think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Frustrated, Bruce decided to take a solitary hike up Big Thompson Canyon in the Rocky Mountains. Near the top of the trail was a little sign pointing out a Douglas fir tree uprooted by the wind. The tree had been lying on the ground long enough for the end of the trunk to bend around and continue growing toward the sunlight—about twenty feet of new growth was pointing toward the sky, in fact. Because the old trunk’s roots were mostly out of the ground, you have to wonder how the tree could keep growing for so many years! Besides the trunk, several branches also reached from the upper side of the trunk to the sky, one more than thirty feet high.
“I thought to myself,” Bruce recalled, “as I studied this tree, that it was uprooted in its life just as a person’s life is uprooted by a crisis such as a divorce. The tree sought its own fullest potential, continuing to grow and reach for the sky. I was greatly moved by the sight of this tree. I realized that there is a force within each of us that will help us to reach our full potential after a crisis has uprooted our lives. The tree’s continuing reach for the sky led me to develop my belief in changing self-concept.”
We need to find and listen to that inner source of emotional energy that encourages the development of our potential. If you get in touch with that source—whether it’s called a religious “soul,” a psychological “ego,” the “inner source,” or the “life force”—you will be capable of making the changes you desire. Look within yourself for this source of strength, and use it to become the person you would like to be.
If you make a decision to improve your self-concept, almost everything in your life will be affected: your work; your relationships with other people; the way you parent your children; your choice of a partner in a future love relationship; and, most of all, the way you feel about yourself. Enormous changes may occur in your personality and your life if you proceed to improve your self-concept. The decision is the first and perhaps the most difficult step. If your commitment is firm, the steps that follow will come much more easily.
This is an important task; take the time to do it. Be sure to write out your list so you can complete the next step.
Those voices inside us are especially loud if a critical person influenced us when we were growing up. Russ resisted doing this step, explaining that his parents had often warned him “not to get a big head.” He had been a good athlete in high school and might have built up his confidence that way, but his parents’ voices were louder than his desire to feel good about himself. He had learned to be “humble.” As an adult, he could not say good things about himself out loud because he still feared his parents’ displeasure. That may sound ridiculous to you, but it wasn’t to Russ. He was finally able to read his list aloud to his seminar group—although with a pained look on his face—and when he finished, everyone applauded. “Boy, I feel good!” he said.
Much of your self-concept is validated by feedback you get from others. Take a hard look at your relationships. Which are constructive for your self-concept? Which are really more harmful than good? If you see that some of your relationships with other people are destructive to your self-concept, choose either to end those relationships or to make them more productive and positive for you. Old and established patterns of interaction are hard to change. Nevertheless, to remain in a comfortable relationship that reinforces a poor self-concept is to choose to keep a major obstacle in your own path of growth.
As a probation officer, Bruce often heard people say that any given juvenile in trouble needed only to “find a new peer group” or “stop hanging with the wrong crowd” to solve all that kid’s problems. In reality, it’s not that simple. Troubled teens generally need to change both their peer group and their feelings about themselves. They tend to seek feedback from others that basically agrees with their own self-concept. Peer group relationships powerfully reinforce the present level of self-concept. This happens partly because the group was chosen as a reflection of the self-concept: “I really feel at home with these people.”
Changing your relationships may be very difficult due to your tendency to follow old patterns and seek relationships that reinforce your present level of self-esteem. But if you sincerely want to feel better about yourself, you will need to invest in positive relationships—those that help you feel good about being you!
As adults, we choose whether we want to continue to listen to those messages or not. Recite your own “tapes” out loud and record them or write them down. Think about whether they are appropriate. Analyze these “parental” or “childish” messages from your adult point of view to see if they are rational and healthy at this time in your life. Then rid yourself of those that prevent progress toward feeling better about yourself.
You may need to express these feelings of not being okay in a counseling or therapy session, with lifeline friends, or perhaps in self-introspection. You need to somehow “carry out the emotional garbage of the past” so you can stop letting it control and burden you now. Allow yourself to air, ventilate, express, and verbalize those old messages of inadequacy. Then let go of them—move them out of your path toward improving your self-concept.
Tammy came to a weekend seminar and was like an emotional corpse. She had a great deal of difficulty paying attention, but for some reason, this exercise rang a bell for her. She reported the following week that she had written about a hundred notes to herself, even placing one on the toilet! She became a different person; her self-concept improved almost miraculously. Writing notes to herself appeared to make a big difference. Such a dramatic change is rare, but it shows the potential power of active effort.
The next time someone praises or compliments you, try to let it soak in rather than defending yourself against hearing it. This may be hard for you to do. But it is very important to break your pattern of hearing only the negative. When you allow yourself to hear positive comments, you will feel better about yourself.
Each day that you meet your goal, perhaps you’ll want to make a check mark on the calendar to reward yourself a little and track your progress. At the end of the week, you can look back and say, “I accomplished it! I’ve changed something! I’m different in this particular area of my personality.” After you’ve made this first change, pick another one for the following week. If you do this several weeks in a row, you will notice that you can make significant changes that will improve your self-esteem.
A warm and meaningful hug from a friend reinforces far more than spoken words can. A hug helps heal emotional wounds and can help improve self-concept rapidly. It frees us, warms us inside, heightens our feelings of self-worth. “I’m worthwhile enough to be hugged!” may be one of the nicest messages we can hear. If you can overcome any fear you have of touching and even ask for a hug when you need one, you will make a big step toward improving your regard for yourself—and you will enjoy the process as well!
If you work diligently at all these steps, you are likely to make significant improvements to your postdivorce self-esteem. All you have to lose is your poor view of yourself. Make this part of the trail an important facet of your growth. This rebuilding block will probably affect more aspects of your overall life than any of the others.
Be aware that divorce can be very damaging to a child’s self-concept also. Suddenly, life has been uprooted. Children feel rejected, lonely, alienated, and perhaps guilty, wondering what they did wrong that contributed to their parents’ divorce.
Children’s adjustment to divorce may be further complicated by growth stages they are going through, which are themselves threatening to self-concept. As a prime example, there is some evidence that the junior-high years are the most difficult for most children in terms of growth and development. Over the years, we’ve heard many adults talk about the painful difficulties of their junior-high years. Puberty brings dramatic changes in the body: height, weight, sexual characteristics, body hair, and voice. Suddenly, an adolescent’s identity—who they thought they were—comes into question. They experience new attitudes and feelings, such as attraction to the opposite sex. Relationships with peers become much more important. This rapid period of change is a real strain upon a youngster’s self-concept, even under the best of conditions. So when tweens or young teens who are going through these extreme changes in themselves are simultaneously faced with the stress of their parents’ divorce, their self-concepts are more likely to be affected.
So share the steps in this chapter with your children. Doing the exercises together is not only a good way to increase family communication, but as you follow the steps toward improving your self-concept, you can assist them in improving their own as well.
Here is your checklist for this portion of the trail. Once again, allow yourself adequate time to deal with this important area. When you are comfortable with most of these items, you are probably ready to resume the climb. Take care!