Appendix B

The Healing Separation

An Alternative to Divorce

Bruce Fisher, EdD

I have a vision of a relationship more beautiful and loving than both of us can imagine or know. It is truly a relationship that is a laboratory for growth, where we are able to grow and completely be ourselves, while still in relationship with each other. I am not a whole enough person to be able to have such a healthy relationship with you without building a better relationship with myself first. I think I will need to separate and live apart from you for a while. I love you.

—Nina

For many years, a popular women’s magazine ran a monthly column called “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” which gave advice to couples who were really in trouble. For those who want to try to save their marriages, there’s a very powerful tool that has helped a number of relationships called the “healing separation.” Please give it thoughtful consideration if you’ve not yet actually divorced.

A healing separation is a structured time apart that can help a couple heal a relationship that isn’t working. It can also help revitalize and renew a relationship that is working. The healing separation is designed to transform the basis of a love relationship—moving it from neediness to health. A successful healing separation requires that both partners be committed to personal growth and to creating healthier relationships with themselves and each other. Such a framework will allow them to carve out a new and more fulfilling relationship than they’ve known in the past.

When a relationship is in trouble, the couple has essentially three choices: (1) continue as is; (2) end the relationship; or (3) carve out a new relationship. If the relationship is already crumbling, not many couples want to continue it as is. That leaves choices 2 and 3. Chances are they haven’t thought much about the third choice—it probably seems impossible. What’s more, they don’t know how to go about it. So their choice, almost by default, is to end the relationship. And up goes the divorce rate.

There is another alternative: partners can work out a new relationship with themselves and with each other. The healing separation offers a process within which to do just that.

What Is a Healing Separation?

The healing separation, like the old-style trial separation, involves living apart for a while, with the decision as to whether or not to end the relationship put off until some future time. Unlike unplanned and unstructured separations, however, the healing separation is a working separation in which you and your partner dedicate yourselves to investing in your own personal growth. If you can create a better relationship with yourself, that can allow you to have different and healthier relationships with others. Sometimes your work during a healing separation may be on “the old relationship,” and sometimes it may be on “the old you.” The healing separation is a creative way to strengthen both partners and build a new relationship without dissolving the partnership.

As we talked about at the beginning of this book, a relationship between two people is analogous to a bridge. Each partner forms one end and provides half the support for the bridge. The connection between the two—the bridge—is the relationship itself. A healing separation gives the partners time to concentrate on themselves, on their own supportive end structures, rather than on the relationship. It’s a scary process because neither person is tending the relationship bridge for a while—it could collapse. Nevertheless, it may be worth the risk. When the two ends are eventually rebuilt, the possibility exists for a new healthy relationship bridge to be built, supported by bridge ends that are now stronger.

What Are the Purposes of a Healing Separation?

The goals of a healing separation are more profound than simply decisions about whether you’ll continue your love relationship. There appears to be a high correlation between the amount of personal growth each person does and the success of the healing separation. If both parties are committed and motivated to work on their self-relationship, the chance of their new relationship lasting is good.

Here’s a list of purposes for a healing separation:

Who Should Consider a Healing Separation?

Here are some key characteristics of partners who might want to try a healing separation:

Dumpers and Dumpees Again: The 80/20 Rule

A separation is seldom started as a mutual decision. In the Fisher divorce seminar, some 84 percent of couples ended their relationships when the dumper decided to leave. A similar division is estimated for a healing separation; that is, one partner is likely to be the initiator and the other is likely to be reluctant perhaps 80 percent of the time. Sounds like quite an obstacle to the success of the healing separation, doesn’t it? How can a couple overcome the differences in attitude, goals, and motivation of the initiator and the reluctant one?

First of all, couples must rethink the question “Who’s to blame?” When a relationship is not working as well as it should, both parties are equally responsible for the malfunctions. That statement is not easy to understand and really believe at first—even for therapists. But the longer we work with couples, the more we find that when you peel off the layers of pain and get to the core issues, the responsibility for the problems is equal. Thus the problems are mutual even though one person was the initiator in the separation. When you begin to understand and accept the notion of mutual responsibility for the problems, you have begun to build a foundation for a successful healing separation—and a successful new relationship.

Research with the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale indicates that the dumpee experiences much more anger and painful feelings than the dumper. Probably the reluctant one in a healing separation will experience more emotional pain. Whatever strong feelings are experienced by either party will need to be worked through before the separation truly becomes healing.

The parties in a healing separation have more alone time to work on themselves, on their careers, on projects and hobbies. This can be a positive aspect and helpful to both parties. The reluctant one may learn to appreciate having extra time to work on personal growth and eventually appreciate the initiator’s decision to have a healing separation.

When the reluctant one finally understands that the initiator was experiencing so much internal pain and emotional pressure that separation was a matter of survival, it helps the reluctant one to understand and accept the initiator’s decision.

Experience has shown that it is more likely for the initiator of a healing separation to be the female partner. Here are a few of the reasons:

Interestingly, after a few weeks, men who agree to work on the relationship often admit, “I didn’t think I needed this program. I was just doing it for her because I thought she needed it, but the learning over these past weeks has helped me discover that I need this more than she does.”

Guidelines for a Successful Healing Separation

Following the guidelines below will improve the chances of success of your healing separation. They’re not all absolute rules, but if you ignore more than one or two, your prospects will be hurt.

  1. Probably the most important requirement for both of you is a strong commitment to make the healing separation work. Feelings of love and commitment are tremendously helpful to motivate you both.
  2. Make a list that describes what your ideal love relationship would be like. Think of what aspects would be important to you. Allow yourself to develop a fantasy of what your relationship might be like after the healing separation. Share and discuss your lists with each other.

    Commit yourselves to communicating with each other in an open and honest manner. Learn to use I-messages rather than you-messages. Communicate by stating, “I think ______________,” “I feel ______________,” “I want ______________,” I need ______________,” and “I will ______________.” Learn to be as honest as you can be with yourself and with your partner. Learn to say what is true for you. Complete honesty may include owning that portion of the relationship problems for which you have been responsible. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

  3. Do not file for divorce or start any court proceedings during the healing separation. You must agree to not take any legal action without first conferring with the other person. The adversarial legal system is antithetical to the goals of a healing separation. Even the threat or the thought of the other person filing is enough to release the brakes of the train headed for dissolution, so you need to make it clear in the healing separation agreement (see appendix C) that neither of you will consider undertaking any court action. The exception to this is when one or both of you needs to let the old relationship die by having a final decree stating you are divorced. You need to work toward obtaining the final decree together and avoid the adversarial court process. Anything you can do to help end the old relationship is helpful in the healing separation. This may be the step that really gets your partner’s attention and lets the other person know you are serious in your need for emotional space.
  4. Quality time together might nourish this new relationship (see the next section). It is helpful to think of the new relationship as a tender young plant just emerging from the seedbed. It needs frequent, gentle, and loving care to grow and not be squashed by the storms of the healing separation.
  5. Continuing a sexual relationship may help nurture the relationship, but it could also hurt. Review the material in chapter 17 for cautions.
  6. Sometimes you will need to talk out issues with a person other than your partner. You will need a good support system or a therapy relationship, or both, to resolve these issues without them being added to the storms that will most likely occur during a healing separation.
  7. It is a great time to keep a personal journal. You will need a place to express and dissipate the strong feelings that are bound to emerge during this difficult time and a place to sort out the many thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.
  8. Read, take classes, attend lectures and seminars. Awareness can really help to put the brakes on your runaway relationship train. Reading and learning all you can will help make the process healing rather than destructive.
  9. You will need to do some self-care so you don’t become emotionally and physically drained. The whole process can be very draining emotionally, and sometimes you feel like giving up because you don’t have enough energy to continue. What can you do to restore yourself and keep from becoming emotionally drained?
  10. Use the “Contract for a Healing Separation” in appendix C—with modifications to suit your relationship needs—as a firm commitment to each other. A formal agreement such as this will give your healing separation the best chance of success.
  11. Seriously consider an ongoing therapy relationship (preferably joint counseling) with an experienced licensed marriage and family therapist or psychologist.

Other Considerations

Quality time together. You may find it beneficial to set times to be together on a regular basis during the separation, as often as feels right and okay. It should be agreeable to both of you to spend “quality time” together. This quality time might include one or more of the following activities: (a) important sharing and active listening, using good communication skills; (b) verbal intimacy and/or sexual intimacy, if appropriate; (c) time to nurture each other; (d) trying out new patterns of interaction leading to carving out a new relationship; (e) doing fun activities together; (f) sharing your personal growth with the other person.

When your old dysfunctional patterns of interaction start happening, you need to be apart rather than continuing the old unproductive patterns of behavior together. Remember to stay honest with each other!

Length of separation. You may be asking, “How long are we going to be separated?” Part of the goal for this process is to encourage and support you to be as fearful and insecure as possible! It would be easy for you to make a commitment for three months and then use that deadline as a way of not dealing emotionally with the problems. “I can put up with anything for three months” might be your attitude. It is suggested that you agree on a time limit for your healing separation, but realize it needs to be flexible and may be renegotiated. This insecurity of not knowing how long you will be separated may help to keep you on your toes, and you may be able to use the insecurity of no time limit as motivation to keep growing.

Insecurity about the future of your relationship can be frightening. You don’t know how much to work on yourself and how much to work on the relationship. (If you’ve been trying to change your partner, that may be one of the reasons you’re having a healing separation!) Sometimes it feels as if you are walking on ice. One false step and down you go, into the icy water of loneliness, rejection, guilt, anger, and the other feelings of the divorce pits.

The healing separation will probably consume a year or so of your life.

Timing of when to move back in together. The question of when to end the separation by moving back in together is crucial. Usually, the couple is uncomfortable living apart, and the pain motivates them to move back in together too quickly. One party is usually pushing to live together more quickly than the other. Males usually want to resume cohabitation sooner than females. The reluctant partner usually wants to move back in together before the initiator does. Time itself is a factor: early in the process, one or both are eager to move back in together; the longer the separation lasts, the more hesitant both partners are to return to their previous living arrangement.

It is very destructive to move back in together too quickly and have the patterns of the old relationship come back. This increases the possibility of separating again, and each separation increases the chances of the relationship ending.

Take your time about moving back in together. Beware of the “honeymoon phase.” You may start to feel emotionally close, intimate; sexual satisfaction may improve (maybe because you have let go of sexual expectations); you want to live together again—but maybe for the wrong reasons. Wait until you both agree that you sincerely choose to be in relationship with each other and to share the rest of your lives with each other. Paradoxically, when you both believe you can live alone the rest of your lives and be happy, it may be a good indicator you are ready to live together again.

Outside love relationships. As a general rule, having an extra love relationship during a healing separation will diminish your chances of improving your relationship with yourself. Time and energy invested in the outside relationship diminishes the time and energy available to invest in your own growth as a person.

Partners who initiate the separation seeking personal growth, healing, or transformation are so involved in their personal growth process that an extra relationship is often not of interest. They have a strong commitment to the healing separation and are willing to risk everything in their relationship with their reluctant partners just so they can work toward becoming whole people.

Reluctant partners have many opportunities for outside relationships, but they usually find out they are more “married” than they thought. Often they discover that a potential new partner carries the potential for a multitude of new problems. Dating may leave them much more committed to the healing separation.

The person, male or female, who initiates a separation while in the rebellion process is much more likely to have an outside relationship that looks like an affair and may include sexual intimacy. He or she usually thinks of it as part of the process—the primary purpose is to have someone to talk intimately with—and does not think of it as an affair. This extra relationship may become a long-term union, but the chances of it becoming a healthy relationship are small.

Outside relationships usually have an adverse effect upon a healing separation because the people involved make the extra relationship more important than it is. A partner who is in rebellion finds it exciting and believes it has much promise for the future. (This excitement rarely lasts beyond the early or “honeymoon” stage.) The other partner will feel hurt, rejected, and angry about the extra relationship and may decide to end the healing separation and let go of the relationship altogether.

Lack of support. Another area of difficulty in a healing separation is your support system. Both partners need an emotional support system to help them deal with the pressures of the difficult situation. The problem is that very few people have seen a healing separation in action—they might not even believe the concept—and the view of many friends and relatives will be that the relationship is going to end. Thus when you need emotional support the most, your friends are going to be urging you to end the relationship, saying things like, “You’re still in denial. Can’t you see that the relationship is over? … Are you codependent? You don’t seem to be able to disentangle… . You are just opening yourself up to be taken to court by some shark attorney. You’d better strike first… . Why are you staying in limbo? You need to get on with your life… . Why don’t you get rid of that bum?”

The idea of a healing separation is contrary to the values of many people. A commitment “till death do us part” is a strong belief in our society, and a healing separation is somehow seen as undesirable, not spiritually okay, a form of radical behavior. That’s one of the reasons many people are unable to support and accept the couple attempting this alternative to divorce.

You need the support of your friends, but it can make you more insecure if they tell you the relationship is going to end. So continue to reach out and build your support system, but understand that some people may not always be there to help you make the healing separation succeed. (Maybe having them read this material will help them be more supportive of you?)

Paradoxes of a healing separation. There are many paradoxes (perhaps even contradictions) in healing separations. Here are some of the more important ones:
  1. The person who initiates a separation often does it out of a need for emotional space. But the reluctant one often uses and benefits from the emotional space as much as or more than the initiator.
  2. Initiators appear to be selfishly seeking ways of meeting their own needs, but often they are providing an opportunity for their reluctant partners to meet their needs.
  3. The initiator appears to be leaving the relationship but may actually be more committed to the relationship than is the reluctant one.
  4. As soon as initiators feel they have the emotional space they need, they reach out and ask for more closeness with the reluctant one.
  5. The initiator wants the separation but is not looking for another relationship. The reluctant one wants the relationship to continue but is more likely to enter into another love relationship.
  6. When the partners separate, they are often more “married” than they were when they were living together.
  7. Most love partners project some of their hang-ups onto the other person. The healing separation makes these projections more obvious and identifiable. It’s harder to blame another person for what happens when he or she doesn’t live there anymore!
  8. One of the reasons initiators give for wanting a separation is the opportunity to enhance their personal growth. But reluctant partners may experience as much or more personal growth during a separation.
  9. The initiator may actually elect to have the marriage legally ended by a final court dissolution so the partners can begin again to build and create a new and different relationship.
  10. The healing separation makes it look to others as if the relationship is not working, when in reality, it may be the healthiest it has ever been.
  11. In the process of seeking a clearer personal identity, the initiator may find a stronger sense of “relationship identity”—personal identity as part of a relationship.
  12. Initiators often give reluctant partners what they need rather than what they want.

Is This a Healing Separation or Denial?

It is a time for action, not promises. If both parties are not actively engaged in working on themselves and rebuilding their ends of the relationship bridge, it is probably not a healing separation but a step toward the ending of the relationship.

Here are some important questions to consider when determining if you are working on a new beginning or working toward the end:

How does your healing separation rate on these questions? Are both of you working at the relationship? If only one of you is, then you are most likely in denial and your relationship is going to end.

Afterword

The structure of the healing separation is designed specifically for couples in a primary love relationship; the lessons are most relevant to their needs. Nevertheless, the lessons presented in this appendix will work for many kinds of relationships, including friendships, family relationships, coworkers in a business setting, therapy. A “time-out” is often helpful to allow the people involved to gain breathing space and perspective—a chance to take a fresh look at what’s actually happening in the relationship and to build a foundation for a stronger partnership in the future.

Checklist for a Healing Separation

Both partners should read this material about the healing separation and complete the following checklist: