Tom

Chapter Five

Old Demons

Today’s a bad day; the sort where your head fills with all the negativity life has thrown your way and you begin to feel yourself sinking. It’s chilly outside, so I throw on my coat and head off to see Alysha.

As I trudge through the forest I try not to dwell on things from the past that I’d rather forget and turn my attention to Kristi. How worried should I be about her odd behaviour? She’s a workaholic and she goes where her work takes her without question. Suddenly she’s staying home to write a book and ‘settle in’. Both are worrying statements; she’s written two books and never had to stay home to do that, simply because she has no home. The house is just an investment, that’s what she’s always said and now she wants to … what … turn it into a cosy place to invite friends back for dinner? That’s not her style.

My heart thumps ominously in my chest and I slow my pace a little; the anger I’m trying to shake off still lingers beneath the surface. Old hurt and old disappointments. Maybe I should be worrying about the potential for new wounds, instead.

A noise to my left makes me stop in my tracks. I spot a deer, which stops chewing grass to turn his head and gaze at me. Deciding I’m not a threat he saunters away and I carry on along the trail.

If Kristi is turning the house into a place to stay, a base, why isn’t she talking to me about that?

I angrily swipe my boot at a stone on the path in front of me. I’m used to being on the fringe of her life and for many years it has worked both ways. Building the cabin was labour-intensive and then setting up my art business hasn’t been easy. Heck, we’ve both had to be workaholics, although my reason is to earn enough to keep ticking over. Kristi’s reason is her obsession with being the best at what she does. She’s revered, but few know her as I do. The person I see is very different from the one she shows the world.

So is this about moving on and letting go of old burdens? An icy chill catches me unawares and it has nothing to do with the sharp, northerly wind. It’s a long time since we talked about her moving to the forest and the last time we did have the conversation she’d just said, ‘One day, maybe.’

My response?

‘Is that a real, considered maybe, or a maybe never?’

‘Yes, it’s a possibility.’

But that was a long time ago and what if she’s beginning to tire of the moods I constantly battle to control? It’s just that I have this passion inside of me and when I’m painting everything has to be perfect. Every single brushstroke and when it isn’t, it’s as if—

‘Woof, woof, woof.’ Ash appears from nowhere, frolicking around and watching my hands for any sign of a ball, or a stick. I glance around and moments later I see Alysha appear in view from beyond the sharp bend ahead of me. Tall, almost willowy, she has a sense of grace that is enhanced by her relaxed style. She jokes that she wishes she was a sixties child because the hippy, flower power age would have suited her so well. However, that mop of unruly, short, almost black curls adds a sense of fragility to her look that I know she hates with a passion. If she’s one thing it’s a strong woman, that’s for sure.

‘Tom, I was just coming to see you. How’s the internet connection today?’

Ash has stopped jumping around and sits, expectantly. Alysha pulls a treat from her pocket.

‘Good boy. There you go.’ She rubs his head and moments later he’s running around us in circles.

‘We might as well head back to the cabin for a coffee, then.’

‘Great. I needed some fresh air, to be honest, and Ash had to run off some of that energy. You look a bit stressed. Bad start to the day?’

We turn and head back in the direction that Ash has taken, clearly heading straight for the cabin.

‘Sort of. This commission I’m working on just isn’t coming together. With every brushstroke I take I’m beginning to hate it more and more. I guess it represents a lot of things that are wrong in my life at the moment and it’s the canvas that is bearing the brunt of my frustrations.’

Alysha reaches out and touches my arm and when I turn my head I can see the compassion in her eyes. She’s a lady who knows a lot about pain and disappointment. Her ex-husband has a history of alcohol and drug abuse; he robbed her of just about everything she had materially. Now she’s struggling to make ends meet after foolishly selling everything of value to pay his debts. Supporting him even ended up costing her the job of her dreams, because her attendance became erratic. She’d admitted there were times when he simply couldn’t be left alone.

I slow my pace a little, realising I was striding out and she was trying to keep up. We exchange smiles and I know Alysha understands I’m grateful for her company and the way we can talk openly. The fact that we aren’t involved in each other’s lives makes it easier – there’s no history and no worries about crossing any relationship lines.

‘You know, meditation might help, Tom. You seem to be rather overwhelmed by everything at the moment; am I right?’

It’s like talking to an old friend. Alysha senses the turmoil in me at a glance, just like my mother always managed to do. But she’s no longer here and my father … well, I guess I’m living up to his expectations.

‘Talk to me. Come on … empty out that head of yours. What were you thinking, just then?’

Ash is back and looking for more treats, but Alysha pulls a ball from her pocket and sends it flying ahead of us. He runs off, tail wagging in delight.

‘My father would say that I’ve wasted every opportunity life has ever presented me with and now my business is going the same way. But I can’t just churn out the work; it has to mean something. In here!’ My fist hits my chest with a muffled thump.

We walk on in silence for a few minutes and stop while Ash deposits the ball at Alysha’s feet. He stands, tail wagging furiously and ready to run again. This time the ball goes high into the air before bouncing off a tree stump and disappearing among the trees. He scampers off after it.

‘It’s a great painting. Why are you so dissatisfied with it?’

The anger is back, like a fire that suddenly flares up and threatens to engulf everything around it.

‘Because he’d see it for what it is … a sell-out. The painting isn’t about what I feel inside, or what I want to express. It’s about some nice little painting to fit in with the design of a building. Art should be an expression of something meaningful. I know I messed up when I was young, but I thought I could move on and be different. Guess he was right when he said I was a quitter and that I didn’t have the ability to see anything through.’

Alysha sighs, loudly, and I ignore it, striding ahead to unlock the cabin door.

‘That is a very cruel thing to say, you are not a quitter. You built this and that took patience and determination.’

She holds out her hands, referring to the cabin, then fixes me with a stare from which I don’t waver.

‘Tom, there’s no shame in wanting to seek perfection. But there’s also no shame in producing commercial art to order. It pays the bills and it’s a great way of getting your name out there.’

‘Maybe, but at the moment it’s eating me alive.’

‘Then do something about it. Finish it and move on.’

‘You sound like my girlfriend, Kristi. That’s the sort of thing she’d say.’

Alysha’s face registers a faint smile; her mouth twitches with amusement.

‘Well, she sounds like a wise old soul.’ Her laughter is good to hear. Life isn’t giving her much to be joyful about at the moment, either.

‘And that’s another problem. Suddenly I’m not so sure I know where I stand with her. If she turns her back on me, I don’t know if I have the strength to keep going. She’s always been there for me.’