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MALLORY
Why does everything hurt so much? Am I getting a yeast infection? Because my vagina feels swollen, almost to where it is throbbing. This is what I get for ignoring what I saw in the shower the other day. This is what happens when I pour all my energy onto other people and leave nothing for myself. I am left to suffer the consequences. I haven’t gone to my OB in over a year. These are the consequences.
This has happened before. But it has been so long that I had almost forgotten what it feels like. How my body starts to break down due to lack of attention. I have neglected myself; I know this. It’s a never-ending cycle that will continue because I have no way to end it.
First-morning pee is the real test. Okay, it comes out without a problem: no burning, nice, steady stream. Alright. Bladder is empty, and all is good. No reason to worry. I don’t need antibiotics; there is no infection going on there. Just another reason to avoid the responsibilities I continue to evade. Okay, I will circle back to those issues tomorrow. Or at least another day.
However, as I spread my legs, I notice a few ingrown hairs coming in. No, I do not have time for this. My vagina needs to get its life together because we do not have time for this crap. I am working non-stop for the next three days. Maybe in a week or so, I can take the time for some self-care; investigations, doctor’s appointments, and so forth. Today? No, there is no time for this today.
I know my body is breaking down along with my mental health because I refuse to fix genuine problems. Band-Aids are just going to have to keep working for now. I can’t stop to solve every problem I have. One: I don’t have enough time in the day. Two: my job is obsessed with me. Now, I know they are only obsessed with me because they are short-staffed. Nevertheless, that is a big problem, for both myself and them.
Okay, Mal, calm down. Your body is trying to tell you something. We can either listen to it or continue to ignore it. Sorry, body, but I am required at work in half an hour, so you will have to wait, like always.
The internal tears start. Always internal as I never have time to dry my eyes. Inside I am dying, but outside I am a ray of freaking sunshine! Move along now. It’s time to power through another day.
Pulling my scrubs over my hips, I find unusual bruises all over my thighs. Great, I haven’t been taking my iron supplements. This is on me. Anemia is a real problem that will only get worse if I don’t address it. Now that I think about it, that’s probably why I have been so tired lately. No, it couldn’t possibly be because I am working sixty hours a week. Way to deflect, Mal.
“Ouch!” Okay, the bruises might be something to worry about. Later anyway.
***
Of course, I am working surgery today. I get to deal with a bunch of irritated, and inpatient family members. The patients are never the problem. It’s always who they bring with them that causes an issue. Like, we get it—you love them—you are here with them; get over yourself already. I’m sure you are mentioned in their will.
At least I get to work with Dr. Pratt again. Wait, am I supposed to be happy about this? What Berkley said yesterday has me falling off course.
“Mallory, are you okay? You seem a bit frazzled this morning,” Dr. Pratt asks, sneaking up behind me. A question that I was not expecting and has me even more frazzled than I was before.
“What? Me? No!” I let out a forced laugh.
“Okay, good.” He eyes me. “Because we have a vascular stent in ten. Are you ready?”
“Always ready for you!” I blurt out. How freaking dumb did that sound?
“Alright.” He chuckles and gives my shoulder a squeeze. “See you after I scrub in.”
Has he always done that? He touched me! Why have I never noticed it before? Berkley and her damn mind games. She tried messing with my head and it is working. Let it go, Mal. This needs to stop!
I wash up, splash some water on my face, and get ready for the operating room. I have a job to do. Dr. Pratt is not interested in me. Why would he be? He has so many choices, I shouldn’t even be on his radar. Wait, no! Why wouldn’t I be on his radar? I am a young, independent woman. I am precisely who he would be checking out. Berkley might just be right in her assumption.
Okay, now is not the time to go there, I think as I get the call to prep the O.R. Yeah, my head is so far out of the game right now, there is no chance for a win.
Luckily, I am the second nurse in charge for the day and do not have to stand heel-to-toe with the man I am currently obsessing about. Hell, why am I even obsessing about him in the first place? These thoughts weren’t even on my mind a day ago. Note to self: choke Berkley the next time I see her.
The patient lives to see another day. No telling if I had anything to do with the outcome. I notice Dr. Pratt eyeing me after the procedure; not during, no. He is always laser-focused while he works.
“Mallory, are you okay?” I jump at the intrusion. I am washing up and did not know anyone was in the locker room with me. What has me on edge today? I am not usually this startled.
“What?” I turn, my palms plastered to the sink behind me. “Sorry, I didn’t know anyone else was here. I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
“No reason, really.” Dr. Pratt hangs his head, then runs a hand through his hair. “Look, I noticed that you seemed a little off earlier. We are all allowed an off day, but I have never seen that from you. You are always precise, always ahead of the game. I’m not saying you made any mistakes today. Just want to let you know I care because I noticed you might be dealing with some issues.”
“Um, thank you.” He has always been really nice to me, but something about his body language or the way he is talking to me has changed. Maybe it’s me. It must be all in my head, and it is there because that is exactly where Berkley placed it.
I turn to leave, but Dr. Pratt says something else before I can make my escape. “Mallory, when was the last time you took a vacation?”
Oh, no. He is going to say something to HR. I heard about them forcing people to use their vacation time. We don’t lose it. Whatever isn’t used of our allowed two weeks every year rolls right over into the next. I now have six weeks stacked up because I have never taken a vacation, not since I started working here. Actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t taken one since my graduation trip to Disney with my parents and little brother. Madeline was already gone at that point. She didn’t even stick around to graduate with me.
“I’m fine, really. You’re right though. It has been a while since I’ve taken a break. That might be all I need.”
“What do you like to do on your time off?” Dr. Pratt asks as he restfully leans against the wall. Great, I am never getting out of here. Doesn’t he have another surgery to prepare for?
I turn away from the door because it looks like he wants to have more than a little chat. “What do you mean?” I ask.
“You know. Your go-to when it comes to relaxation or fun. This might sound crazy, but I love taking cruises. They are almost the ultimate escape. You are forced to get away from reality while on a cruise. Literally sailed away from your everyday life and taken to a new place at every stop. I try to go on at least one a year. They are inexpensive, all-inclusive, and just a short drive down to Galveston.”
Why is he telling me all of this? Also, Galveston is not a short drive, its six hours away. “Oh, I see. Well, I haven’t been anywhere recently. I’m more of a staycation kind of girl.”
Dr. Pratt checks his watch, then stands up straight, realizing that he has wasted enough time on me. Good, because I do have a job to get back to.
“You should check one out sometime,” he says. “I’m looking at one for Thanksgiving. Holiday cruises are always the best. Let me know if you are interested. If multiple people book together, the price tends to drop drastically.”
Is he inviting me on a cruise? This conversation has turned way too peculiar. Also, why is he worried about saving money? He’s the top doctor at this hospital; money must fall out of his butt when he farts. Gross, that’s not a pretty picture.
I want to ask about his family. Why doesn’t he spend Thanksgiving with them? It’s none of my business, and I have no desire to open that door today.
“Yeah, I’ll be sure to look them up when I have a minute to spare.”
He smiles as he walks by—a little too close—and I think he might come in for a hug or something that involves contact, but then he just opens the door for me.
“Go to the Carnival website; they always have the greatest deals. I enjoy doing the shorter four and five-day cruises and taking an extra day to hang out in Galveston. Let me know if you are interested in buddying up. I always meet new people on those things, but it would be nice to already have someone around that I know.”
“Will do, Dr. Pratt, and thanks again,” I say while walking through the door and entering the chaotic hallway.
“My pleasure, Mallory. See you in twenty.”
He walks away, leaving me confused. What just happened?
***
The next eight hours fly by. Seven surgeries in total. Dr. Pratt is a robot! I don’t know how he does it. Well, I guess I do know his secret now; he cruises, that’s how he recharges. So very odd; no one would ever suspect. I would have pegged him as a bird watcher or something.
I manage to get through the rest of my shift with no more awkward conversations with him. As I start my walk home, I pull my phone out of my pocket to send Berkley an angry text. What has she done to me?
The evening air is crisp and hot, making me walk faster than usual. I love my job, but it always sucks away every ounce of energy I have, never leaving any to use at night. Berkley texts back a GIF, basically telling me she finds my life and predicament hilarious. She is not my favorite person right now. However, she isn’t my least favorite either. Madeline. Oh, hell, I still have to deal with her when I get home. When is she planning on leaving? That’s something I should ask her tonight.
Ugh, I do not want to deal with her crazy butt after the day I had. With my phone still in my hand, I scroll through my contacts and land on Shawn’s name. Why do I still have his number saved? I should have deleted it months ago. I could call him, ask if he would like to come over. Have some of that after break-up sex I never got. It might help me get Dr. Pratt off my mind. No! Stop it Mallory, this is not you. Do not call that has-been. He probably blocked my number, anyway, considering he never replied to my last messages.
I think I’ll just go home, heat up a cup of noodles, and hide in my bathtub until it’s time to pass out. Yes, a normal evening. That’s exactly what I need—some normalcy—Madeline and everyone else can wait for tomorrow.