A lady by the name of Chelsea Handler is responsible for this book’s existence. Honey bunny, I love you. You have given me so much, from the opportunity to really develop my point of view to a platform from which to express it and so much more. Everyone knows how funny you are, but I am honored to know firsthand how generous, kind, and loving you are. I also loved that you would call me at seven in the morning from your treadmill with notes on this book. I just love a lady who’s hands-on.
Jay Leno is responsible for anybody knowing who I am in the first place. Jay, if you hadn’t taken a risk on a wacky intern over a decade ago, I have no idea where I would be right now. Who would have thought that over eleven years after we met, I’d be writing about you in a book about my life? Unreal. I am eternally grateful.
These two amazing people, Jay and Chelsea, have been instrumental in the course of my life and career. A mere thank-you seems like much too simple a phrase to express the gratitude I feel, but thank you both so, so much.
Also, the people with whom I work on both Jay’s and Chelsea’s shows continue to inspire and support me. Thank you to Debbie Vickers, Tom Brunelle, Anthony Caleca, Joe Medeiros, Jack Cohen, Scott Atwell, Steve Ridgeway, Larry Jacobson, Kevin Frasier, Ken Gomez, Izzy Centeno, Sue Murphy, Michael Cox, Brad Wollack, Rene Mooshy, and all the hilarious and talented people I’ve had the privilege of performing with on both The Tonight Show and Chelsea Lately. Rising up to your level is an honor.
I still can’t believe I even know Gywneth Paltrow, let alone know her well enough to have her e-mail address. And I find it unfathomable that I would have the audacity to e-mail Gwyneth Paltrow and ask her to write the foreword in my book. A book that, by the way, contains an entire chapter about how creepily obsessed I am with her. And it is laughable that she agreed to do it, even after reading it. But that’s why I love her. She’s been a true BFF to me since the day we met. I love you, lady.
Thank you to the people who have inspired me as I’ve watched hours upon hours upon gazillions of hours of TV throughout my life, including: Jay, Howard Stern, Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O’Donnell, Rikki Lake, Steve Edwards, Jillian Barberie, and Dorothy Lucey (formerly) from Good Day LA, and Oprah…Oprah…Oprah…
A special thank-you goes out to Michael Broussard, my literary agent, and Beth de Guzman, my editor, as well as everyone else at Grand Central Publishing. Thanks for being in my corner and for guiding me so well.
Thank you to all my agents at CAA for their constant support and guidance. You’re all the best in the business.
Thank you to everyone at E! for always being so supportive and kind.
Austin Young shot the cover photograph for this book. From the first time I saw his amazing work, I knew I wanted him to shoot my first book cover. Ten years later, he did so, and he did an awesome job.
My manager, Mark Degenkolb, has been a constant in my life for years. Thank you for being the person at the front lines of our business who not only has the job of giving me the good news, but knows how to deliver the bad news as well. Thank you, also, for that time you told me I was getting fat again.
My mom is a kind, giving caretaker and a real trouper. Thank you for not only loving me no matter what, but also never once asking me to remove something from this book. I love you!
Thank you to my brother, Eric, for allowing me to share our stories and for being a major source of support. I love you, buddy.
I wish my father could’ve read this book. He would’ve thought it was hilarious. I miss you, Dad, and I love you.
There are so many others to thank for their kindness, friendship, love, and support throughout my life, including: Kim, Boni, Kai, Ryan MacD, Kathy Clark Smith, Mr. Zickler, Ms. Smith, Ms. Watson, Mac, Karen Paterka, Dr. and Sistah Neighbor, Dan Pasternack, Mike Laponis, Dr. Kim Martin, Esther, Nikki Boyer, Daria Benedict, Susan and Butch Kisler, Bill and Mike, Arleen and Pat, Diana DegenKolb, Don, Jackie Collins, Carlos, Christina, Uncles Jon, Billy, and Jimmy, Aunts Jill, Sandy, Betty, Marilyn, and Rosie, Grandma Bonnie, Bunka, both my grandfathers, my cousins, all the blog buddies, and so many others. I am so lucky to know you all.
Jackie Beat and Taya Faber, two of the funniest people to grace this planet, consulted with me during my writing process. Together, laughing in my house as I typed, we became a troupe of misfit writers determined to tell a funny, honest, and worthwhile story. Look at what we did, you guys! I’m proud of us and I love you both.
My paw-fect pups, Louise and Mijo, are always there for me with a million kisses. Daddy loves you!
To my Salvador, who thinks I’m absolutely ridiculous. On our first date, as I became frazzled while looking for parking, he told me, “You need to calm down.” He’s been that kind of consistently calming presence ever since. Thank you, Salvador, for building a life with me and for being patient as I finished this book. You are an essential source of strength for me. I love you so much.
And finally, to my future children, I will always love you, no matter what. Here’s hoping, even after you read this book one day in the distant future, you’ll extend me the same courtesy. I can’t wait to meet you.
If I forgot anyone, I’m sorry. It’s like that time Hillary Swank won the Oscar for Boys Don’t Cry and totally forgot to thank her husband, what’s-his-name. They ended up getting divorced. So, if I did forget you, let’s be honest—it doesn’t look good for us. Thanks anyway, though.
Mathews out.