3 What Autistic Girls Wish Their Parents Knew About Friendship

Jane Strauss

I knew that it was not necessary or even usual for one to have large numbers of friends.

ONE OF THE THINGS that many parents seem to be unhappy about when their child is labeled “Autistic” is this: “But they will not have play dates.” Friendship, “socializing,” and human interaction are seen as central to our very humanity. Females often fly under the radar for being labeled on the autism spectrum because their social development is different from that of males, generally resulting in more social orientation, better imitation skills at a younger age, and earlier speech, of whatever kind, than their male counterparts.

In modern society—where doing things in groups seems to have become the norm—parent education, daycare, and early childhood programs result in children being put into groups at ever-younger ages. The groupification of society results in challenges for any person who has sensory issues or does not like change. And those in charge of such programs, in my experience, are not very good at dealing with such folk, no matter how young. I still remember the extreme confusion of staff at our local “Early Childhood Family Education” program where my eldest daughter spent the entire time I was in the parent group screaming instead of interacting and exploring. The only time she did not scream was if the room she was in had a fan or a similar rotating object, which I suspect she used as a stim.

This being the case, and as in most modern societies where females are held to a higher standard of social behavior than males, girls on the spectrum are even more likely to be pushed socially than boys—if they are even identified. In addition, the huge amount of energy it takes to behave in a “social butterfly” manner is often ignored or overlooked. Especially if it has not been difficult for Mom to make friends, easily interact, or read social cues, her daughters seem ever more alien when they do not adopt those behaviors easily or naturally. Sometimes Mom has had challenges making friends but has nonetheless muddled through. She may or may not see herself in her daughter. And often those on the spectrum become chronic targets for bullies, even when they have not been labeled, or are not considered disabled enough for their quirks to “count.”

It is no accident that Autistic girls are more often labeled with depression or eating disorders than with their real neurodivergent natures. When, from early childhood, you live out of sync with social norms and expectations, it’s easy to feel as if you are alien, wrong, and bad. In such a situation, one would have to be catatonic not to be at least a little depressed.

As an Autistic woman who struggled through over five decades before being properly identified, and who learned, through trial and error, about friends, friendship, what they are, and what they are not, there are a number of things I wish that my parents had known and had been able to teach me. These include how to make friends, how to tell if people really are friends, how to deal with bullies and bullying (as I have learned that often institutions don’t do this effectively), and that it is okay not to live in herds. The one thing my parents tried to teach and seem to have done a reasonably good job of is Shakespeare’s old statement: “This above all, to thine own self be true.”

What would I suggest that parents know or do? Here you go . . . and there is no “whole body listening” or “theory of mind” involved in any of them.

First, you might wish to take a long, hard look at yourself if your support systems seem inadequate and you are struggling. Autism does run in families, so far as we know. Until recently, many females skated under the radar, and you just might be one of them. Getting support for yourself can be and is, in the long run, better for your children, whichever gender they may be. And as you learn to cope, you will be a better role model for your child.

Second, realize that your daughter is an individual with her own strengths and weaknesses, and that she is not a smaller version of you. No, really. She may well be introverted and dislike being in large groups. The stress of dealing with noise, motion, and even flickering lights can result in an inability to cope at all and obvious withdrawal. Or, she may seem to do well, until she is at home, where she explodes. Remember, stress can cause a delayed response, bursting out once she is in a safe place.

If large groups seem to result in stress, put those off and preferentially deal with small groups. Yes, Virginia, you can have play dates for your child, they just may be more low-key than you thought they “should” be. An hour or less interacting with a single child while the moms have coffee is perfectly fine as a play date.

A piece of old research I wish parents knew about is that kids on the spectrum are often more comfortable with playmates chronologically younger than themselves. That does make sense, if you look at the spectrum as a developmental delay relative to the mythic norms. Delay does not mean never developing; it does mean doing so more slowly than usual. This may change the nature of play dates, but your child’s time playing with a child two or three years younger than herself is still interaction, and may be more beneficial to both than pushing them to interact in a group of age mates.

All of my own children showed at least traits of if not full-blown autism, four of them in the years when sensory issues were emerging as a thing and before the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) categories for autism (apart from cognitive impairment) even existed. Our family’s first response to this was to avoid large, group childcare when childcare was needed. We joked that we had managed to find the smallest existing licensed daycare in the entire city that did not include a nanny at home. In a group of four to five, our kids thrived. Once they reached preschool age, again, small groups of fewer than ten were the norm for us. All were in the mainstream, with the exception of the one who narrowly qualified for early intervention after being found “too hyper” to be acceptable for a Waldorf preschool in which her older sister fit in well.

I strongly recommend that in the early years, children not be separated out from the broad range of others, and that their deficits not be emphasized, although limiting group size is usually helpful. The best goal of early intervention, properly executed, is to identify barriers to growth and find ways of getting around them. It is not to separate children with challenges or differences from others. It is not to emphasize the negative characteristics, and it is not to make those children the “other.” Doing so, in my experience, results in bullying, depression, isolation, and lifelong stress.

Third, I wish parents knew about the option to teach their children at home or at least to look for small learning environments in which their children’s challenges will not be held against them. My daughters were all delayed in their motor skills. The one who completed kindergarten was treated as though she were “not quite bright” because she performed poorly at all the gross and fine motor skills tests that the schools thought were mandatory to pass at five years of age. Expectations for her were low, and I had to constantly fight the schools and their assumptions, despite her lacking a label. Her ability to learn improved immensely once I brought her home for learning, and the other children were not put in school until they had completed at least several years at home. As a home educating family, we were able to have somewhat more control over who the children spent time with and under what circumstances and arrange for them to meet a wide variety of people of different ages. We went on field trips, met with other homeschoolers, and did volunteer work; 4H, religious school, summer camp programs, community education, park programs, and art classes rounded out learning opportunities.

Our family then put all the children in a very small non-public (as it happened, religious) school in which no class was larger than twelve students. They thrived there, and from that base continued on in carefully selected public options for secondary school, with three of them placed in a small learning environment of the “open” type, where creativity and individual quirks were valued, and one in a highly structured academic program. All developed friendships in those schools, through meeting others with like interests, and they all learned to advocate for themselves when they did encounter bullies. All have since continued in post-secondary education, pursuing their respective passions.

Similarly to my own children, I had the possible advantage of having been labeled in middle adulthood, and having not spent my early years in special education, where the authorities often keep students separated and, based on what some of my friends have said, teach dysfunctional “social skills.” This may be why I knew that it was not necessary or even usual for one to have a large number of friends. It seemed normal to me to have one or two close friends and some acquaintances, rather than traveling in a mob. I am still in touch, fifty years later, with a friend from grade school, and I have friends from high school, college, and a variety of other points in my life. I have successfully raised four kids on the spectrum to adulthood and they have found their places in the world. Unlike many in the world, I have been divorced only once and have maintained long-term romantic relationships as well. That said, I have come up with several skills and behaviors that I recommend, based upon my decades of experience, which I have shared with younger spectrumites, and I respectfully suggest that parents would do well to know and share these six guidelines.

1. Take part in activities you like, if possible, outside of your room. If you like gaming, do that. If social fear means you have to start online, by all means do, but look for gaming groups, conventions, clubs, and meet-ups, so that you can meet people in the real world. Take small steps, as it profits nothing if panic at dealing with the world means you are not enjoying yourself.
   In high school, my friends were also involved in orchestra, theater, art, Scouts, and folk music groups. We started out with interests we had in common and we were able to build interactions and relationships on our commonalities. In college, I made friends with people in the Outing Club, as I liked climbing, hiking, and camping. It’s best to try to get involved with a group that meets on a regular basis—weekly, monthly, etc.—or more often, as with performing groups. As an adult, I have met people through science fiction and community interests.

2. Do not take part in something you do not like to do, just to meet people. One example is going to bars. If you don’t like drinking alcohol or being around people who do, then don’t go to bars to meet people there. Another is going to large parties if you don’t like noise or crowds. I have found that doing those kinds of things leaves me unhappy and sets me up for failure.

Think of it this way:

• If you like doing the activity, then you will be more likely to enjoy going to do it.

• When you enjoy the activity, you will be more likely to look happy, and people are more likely to approach and want to meet people who are smiling.

• Sometimes you might even forget your anxiety in meeting people who share your interests.

I met both my partners through science fiction activities that I enjoyed. There are many unique personalities in these groups, and we raised the children attending the activities within this community, which provided learning and association opportunities that were not otherwise available. One advantage these days is that science fiction and fantasy have become mainstream in my lifetime, so they are now considered just another interest and do not separate fans as far from society as was the case in the 1950s, ’60s, and even ’70s.

3. If you do not understand something a potential friend does or says, ask them what they mean. There is nothing so sad as losing a potential friend through a misunderstanding. This is the case whether you may have misunderstood something they said or if they may have misstated it. Remind your daughter that she may take something literally that is not meant to be taken in that way, so it is better to check on meanings than to be hurt without need. Similarly, if a statement truly is cruel or meant to be hurtful, it is best to know this and consider if the person who said it really is worth the time to develop a friendship with.

4. Remember that getting to know someone does take time. Even if it feels to you as if you must become best friends within a week or two, this is not realistic. Try to let the other person take the lead on getting together.
   This does not mean that if you will be going someplace fun that you think they might also like and want them to come along, you don’t ask. It does mean that you might not succeed if you think you should get together every day or even every week when you have first met. They have other people in their life, and it looks like stalking if you try to monopolize their time. That can get you into trouble.

5. Not everyone will be kind to you and learning to identify when they are not being kind is a useful survival skill. Some people may be unsure of themselves and try to make themselves feel more important by putting others down. They may think it is funny to make another person think they are friends and then behave in a nasty or exclusionary way. Sometimes when you think people are excluding you, they really are. Role-playing or practicing ways to respond to bullying and nasty behavior can be useful. Teaching that bullying reflects more on the person doing it than on the person being bullied is useful, too. Starting early on with books such as My Name Is Not Dummy, by Elizabeth Crary, a “make your own decision” social story written in the 1980s, can be helpful.1

6. Be nice to people. You never know where friends may come from. Sometimes “popular” people may be imitating others or saying mean things about them behind their backs, saying that they are “just joking,” and you think that joining in will make you popular, too. It won’t. It will just make you as mean as they are. Try to find people who are kind to others, watch what they do, and copy them. In the long run they make the best friends, to you and to others, and are models for how you can be a good friend, too. And being nice to your friends is a good start to keeping them over the long term.