I needed to be wanted
So I made myself into
Someone you would look at
If he looked at you.
You were cute (or not) and smart (or not),
A lovely soul (or not)—
What mattered most to me about you
Was if I made you hot.
You think I didn’t know even then
What this meant about me?
I was not the only one
Locked in fantasy
Because real life was terrifying
And difficult and dull.
Which made you (plural squared)
Irreplaceable.
Of all enslavements, not the worst.
But there weren’t enough of you,
And many too many others
Who so easily saw through
The ecstatic adventure I offered
To my self-loathing despair
That the creep with the come-on look
Simply was not there.
He’s still not there, or anywhere.
It’s years since he’s been fed.
But he likes to bite my brain
To show me he’s not dead
And means to own my life again
And flip it north to south,
All my sweetest thoughts of you
Dripping from his mouth.