Lazarus had always had a hard time looking away from Esau, but today was even worse. He was pretty sure it was embarrassing, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
Last night, Esau had fallen asleep while kissing Lazarus. It had taken Lazarus a bit longer to also go to sleep, but when he’d woken up this morning, Esau’s arm and wing had been wrapped around him. He’d hesitated between slipping out of bed and staying where he was, and he’d finally decided to stay because he didn’t want to hurt Esau when he moved. The problem was that because of that, they’d had to face each other as soon as Esau was awake, too.
Lazarus couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so awkward.
He didn’t regret kissing Esau, and he didn’t think Esau regretted kissing him. If anything, it was the opposite. When Esau had opened his eyes, he’d smiled and kissed Lazarus. The kiss was short but sweet—but then Cyarea had screamed, “You’re okay!”
Everything was a blur after that. Lazarus and Esau hadn’t found any time to talk to each other, focused as they’d been on Cyarea and getting out of the tavern. Luckily for them, no one had tried attacking them again, and the owner had been nowhere to be seen when they’d gotten downstairs. Lazarus hadn’t paid for their night. He wasn’t going to leave money after they’d been attacked and Esau had been wounded.
And now they were on the road again. It was comfortably familiar, yet at the same time, entirely new. Esau and Lazarus kept exchanging glances and small touches, and Lazarus had no idea what to think about any of this. Did it mean he and Esau were a couple? They hadn’t talked about it, and now wasn’t the right moment. They had to get to the human realm as soon as possible, and both of them were focused on that and on keeping Cyarea safe.
Lazarus was worried. The three of them had been on the road for several days now, and every day they spent there, the chance that someone would find them got higher. They still had no idea how the first three demons and the ones from last night had reached them, but somehow, they had, and it made their situation even more dangerous than it already was.
“I’m hungry,” Cyarea complained.
Lazarus and Esau looked at each other.
“We can stop for a snack,” Esau said.
Lazarus didn’t protest. Once Cyarea was sitting on the ground snacking on some fruit, he moved closer to Esau. “How are you feeling?”
Esau shrugged. “I’ve been better, but I’m not going to die.”
That was a relief. “You’ll tell me if the wound hurts or feels warm?”
“I promised I would, didn’t I?”
“You did, but I’m not holding my breath that you might keep that particular promise.”
“I’m offended. You should know by now that I keep my promises.”
“I know you do, but I also know you don’t want me to worry. I’m pretty sure that even if you started bleeding, you wouldn’t say anything until we reached a safe spot.”
“I can’t exactly ask you to check my wound in the middle of the road.”
Lazarus glared. “You can, and you will if I need to check it.”
Esau sighed. “Fine. I promise I’ll tell you if I don’t feel okay.”
That was all Lazarus would get, and he hoped it would be enough. He gave Cyarea another glance, then said, “I’m worried.”
He didn’t have to explain what he was worried about. “I am, too. I don’t understand how those demons found us, but I’m afraid it’s going to happen again. I don’t think I can withstand another fight, not today.”
Because that would be three fights in three days, and Esau was banged up. Even though Lazarus could and would help, he doubted he’d be able to defend the three of them as efficiently as Esau had. “We have to be careful.”
Esau snorted. “Because we haven’t been until now? I don’t think we can be any more careful, Lazarus. It would be better if we could find a room tonight, but even if we do, we can’t be sure we’ll be okay. After what happened last night, I doubt we’ll be safe until we reach the human realm.”
Lazarus agreed. There was nothing else they could do, and no matter how much he didn’t like it, they had to move on.
“Let me take care of Cyarea for a bit,” he tried, already knowing what Esau’s answer would be.
“I can do it.”
“So can I, and I’m not wounded.”
“You were honest when you said you didn’t want to deal with her. It’s already a lot that you’re traveling with us. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t feel up to.”
Lazarus shook his head. “I want to take care of her. It’s not as bad as I thought, and you could use the help.”
Esau stared at Lazarus for a moment before nodding. “Fine. I’ll let you know if it gets to be too much. Is that enough for you?”
It would have to be. “Better than nothing.”
Esau laughed, getting Cyarea’s attention. “I suppose it will be.” He turned to the child. “Are you done? We need to start walking again.”
“I’m tired,” Cyarea whined.
Even though she’d slept the entire night, this was hard on her. She no doubt wasn’t used to walking so much. Even Lazarus, who’d made this trip several times, was exhausted and couldn’t wait to get to Sal’s so he could go to sleep for an entire week. It had to be even worse for a child, but unfortunately, there was no way around it.
“I’ll carry you for a bit, but not too long,” Esau said.
Lazarus frowned. “You shouldn’t carry her.”
Esau shrugged. “I don’t mind.”
“I never said you did, but you’re wounded.” How could Esau forget that?
“I won’t push myself too hard. I promised, didn’t I?”
“And you know what I think of your promises.”
Esau ignored Lazarus and opened his arms to Cyarea. She was quick to scramble into them, but Lazarus was relieved to see she avoided touching the wound on Esau’s side. Still, he kept an eye on them as they started walking again. If Esau’s steps faltered, Lazarus would be there to help. He understood why Esau wanted to be the one to take care of Cyarea, but he had to remember he wasn’t alone anymore. Lazarus might have been keeping his distance in the beginning, but that had changed, and he hoped Esau would realize that.
He had no idea what the two of them were doing, if they were headed toward a relationship or if kissing had just been a way to relieve the stress and tension, but he wanted to find out. Unfortunately, he doubted he and Esau would be able to talk until tonight at the very least. It might have to wait longer, depending on where they decided to stop.
The situation only added to the tension Lazarus already felt, but there was nothing he could do. He could only put one foot in front of the other and follow Esau and Cyarea down the road, hoping nothing would happen to them until they reached the portal to the human realm.
* * * *
Esau was doing his best to hide how much pain he was in. If he allowed it to show, Lazarus would insist on being the one to carry Cyarea, and while Esau didn’t have a problem with that, he wasn’t quite sure how to behave with Lazarus this morning.
When he’d opened his eyes and found Lazarus so close to him, he’d been shocked. Then he’d remembered how he’d fallen asleep, and he hadn’t known how to behave.
Until recently, he and Lazarus had spent their time sniping at each other. That was what was familiar between them, and Esau didn’t know how to deal with how things were changing.
This was why he didn’t do relationships, dammit. He had no idea what he was doing, and he hated feeling that way. It was easier to use Cyarea as a buffer, but that wouldn’t last forever.
What did the kisses mean? Lazarus had confessed he liked Esau, and Esau liked Lazarus. Did they like each other the way Sal and his boyfriend liked each other, though? Was Esau supposed to ask, or should he continue avoiding talking about it and acting as if nothing had happened? Would Lazarus be offended and hurt if Esau did that? Or would he want them to talk once they were alone?
Esau had no idea what to do, and there was nothing he hated more than feeling powerless.
Thankfully, something in the distance caught his gaze, and he could stop thinking about Lazarus for a moment. He moved closer to Lazarus, whispering, “Someone is coming.”
Lazarus’s back went ramrod straight. “Where?”
Esau tilted his chin toward the road ahead of them. It wasn’t the first time they crossed paths with other travelers, but after what had happened to them over the past two nights, they were both tense. Esau hoped he wouldn’t have to fight again, because he didn’t feel up for it, but if he had to, he’d gladly die if it meant Lazarus and Cyarea would be able to save themselves. He knew better than to mention that. Lazarus would start yelling at him for being so self-sacrificing or something like that, and now definitely wasn’t the moment to do that.
“At least they’re not hiding,” Lazarus said.
“I don’t think they’re going to attack us.”
“Travelers?”
Esau nodded. He wasn’t completely sure, but it was the best bet. He and Lazarus had to act as if nothing strange was happening. It would get those demons’ attention otherwise, and since they still didn’t know how the demons who’d attacked them had found them, they couldn’t afford for that to happen. The fewer people who remembered seeing them on the road, the better it would be.
As they moved closer, Esau could see three of them, one male and two females. They seemed to know each other, since they were walking together and talking. They didn’t act strangely, but Esau stayed vigilant while their paths crossed. Lazarus walked so closely to him their arms brushed together as they moved, but instead of feeling stifling, it felt oddly safe. Even though Lazarus wasn’t the best at fighting, he could hold his own, and Esau knew he would do everything he could to keep him and Cyarea safe.
The male demon looked up at them and cocked his head. “Where did you steal that girl?” he asked.
Esau tightened his arms around Cyarea. His first instinct was to attack, but he had to act as if Cyarea belonged with him and like he wasn’t worried about anything but finding shelter for the night.
One of the females slapped the male in the chest. “So rude. Don’t you see she’s their daughter?”
“She doesn’t look anything like them,” the male demon protested.
“She’s at least part oni, and so is one of her fathers.”
“I think the three of you are adorable,” the second female said.
The male demon opened his mouth again, but both the females glared at him. He snapped his mouth shut, which almost made Esau laugh.
“I love my dad,” Cyarea suddenly announced.
Esau’s heart raced, but thankfully, the only reactions that got from the three demons were smiles. “Of course you do,” the first female said.
She’d obviously assumed that since Cyarea was in Esau’s arms, she was talking about him.
He and Lazarus hadn’t talked about looking like a family, but Esau had thought about it, and he was pretty sure Lazarus had, too. They’d been acting close every time they met other demons, and maybe that was part of the reason Lazarus had kissed Esau yesterday.
Esau thought about it as the three demons walked away and he and Lazarus continued their way.
What was going on between them? He doubted Lazarus had kissed him last night only to keep up the pretense they were a family. There had been no one with them in the room, so he wouldn’t have had to. No, Lazarus had kissed Esau because he’d wanted to.
Esau didn’t know what that meant. He’d wanted to kiss Lazarus, too, but his emotions were a tight knot of not knowing what was going on, fear, and excitement. They were on the run, which was the worst situation to fall in love.
Was that what Esau was feeling? He’d never been in love. He’d had a few relationships, but he always felt better left on his own. He never wanted to have anyone close to him, especially after his brother had left him. But he and Lazarus had been walking together for days now, and Esau didn’t hate it. If anything, he quite enjoyed it, but he didn’t know if it was because of Lazarus or because he wasn’t alone.
Maybe he had been lonely alone in his cave. Everything had changed over only a few days, and he didn’t know how to deal with that or what it meant. He didn’t even know if he wanted whatever he and Lazarus had going on to last. They didn’t have the same goals in life. Lazarus enjoyed traveling and visiting the human realm, while Esau couldn’t think of anything worse.
Well, that was before. Maybe now, things would be different. They were traveling because they had to, but Esau could easily imagine him and Lazarus walking the same roads a few years from now, going to visit Sal and his boyfriend in the human realm.
Was that something Lazarus would want? Esau desperately wanted to ask, but he kept his mouth shut.
He kept peeking at Lazarus. He didn’t seem to have a problem with the demons thinking they were a family. It might just be because it was good for them and could help them stay anonymous as they traveled, but maybe he felt good about it the way Esau did. Cyarea wasn’t their daughter, yet in this situation, she kind of was. They’d been taking care of her since they’d started walking, and they didn’t know how long it would last. Maybe they’d be able to find her parents soon, or maybe they wouldn’t. There was no way to know, but they’d find out soon enough.
Tomorrow, they should reach the portal. Everything would change then, and Esau was surprised to realize he wasn’t ready for it. But they couldn’t afford to linger on the roads, so he kept his mouth shut and continued walking. Whatever happened in the future, he’d have to face it, willing or not. Wasting time would only put them in even more danger than they already were, and he couldn’t allow that to happen.
* * * *
Esau was still visibly reeling from what Cyarea had said. She’d called him her dad, or at least, that was what it sounded like. She might have been talking about her father, but there was no way to know without asking her.
Lazarus kept an eye on Esau as they walked away from the travelers. Even though he was walking normally, Esau had to be in pain, and Lazarus wanted to offer to take Cyarea again. He knew better than to do it. After what had just happened, Esau wouldn’t want to be separated from the girl.
That might prove to be a problem if they found her parents. Esau had gotten attached, and while Lazarus could understand it, he wasn’t sure how that would play out in the future. It would make it easier for Esau to accept it if he had to raise Cyarea as his own, but if they found her parents, he might never see her again. How would he react to that?
However he did, Lazarus would be there by his side. He didn’t know if what they had would last, or even if they had anything different than an odd friendship they’d developed on the road, but he wouldn’t abandon Esau. Esau might be used to being on his own, but that didn’t mean he had to be. Like anyone else, he deserved to have friends, and Lazarus didn’t have a problem being one of those.
Actually, he wanted to be more than friends. He wanted them to be a family like those travelers had thought they were, and even though it would be nearly impossible, he found himself thinking about what their future could be like.
Neither he nor Esau could continue living in the caves if Cyarea stayed with them. It wasn’t a place to raise a child, even though both Lazarus and Esau had grown up there. Lazarus didn’t know if raising Cyarea in the human realm was any better, but he supposed he and Esau would have time to talk about it before they made decisions. He didn’t even know if Esau would allow him to be part of their life after this was over. Lazarus had been an asshole in the beginning, and he wouldn’t be surprised if Esau held a grudge. It didn’t look like it, but what did Lazarus know?
“We should reach the portal sometime tomorrow,” he said. He wanted the conversation between them to be open. He didn’t even care what they talked about.
Esau nodded. “Good. I don’t think I could stand spending more than one last night on the road.”
“I’ll keep watch tonight.”
Esau glared. “You won’t. I can keep watch as well as you can.”
Lazarus had no doubt that was the case. He didn’t have to like it. “You’re wounded, and the more you rest, the faster you’ll heal.”
“It could be dangerous. What if we’re attacked and you’re the only one awake?”
“Then I’ll wake you up.” Lazarus eyed Cyarea, but she’d lowered her face to Esau’s neck, and she seemed to be napping. “We don’t know what we’ll face tomorrow. You should rest as much as you can.”
“And we don’t know what we’ll face tonight. What if we’re attacked again?”
Lazarus wanted to ignore Esau’s question, even though he’d already asked twice. “Then I’ll defend us and wake you up. But you won’t be in any shape to help or protect us if you’re in pain and lightheaded because of the blood loss.”
Esau had his stubborn expression on, so Lazarus knew he wouldn’t win this one. If he tried anything, Esau would find a way to wake up, and he’d make sure Lazarus never forgot about this. He might decide not to go to sleep when they stopped, and Lazarus didn’t want that to happen.
He sighed. “Fine. I’ll wake you up.”
Esau’s eyes narrowed. “When? Will you wait until an hour before dawn?”
Dammit. Why could Esau read Lazarus so well when they barely knew each other? “I’ll wake you up whenever you want. Is that okay?”
Esau stared at Lazarus for a moment before nodding. “Half the night. I know you want to do more, but you don’t have to, and you shouldn’t. It’s our last night on the road anyway. I can do this.”
“I know you can. I just don’t want you to have to.”
That exposed too much of how Lazarus felt, so he shook his head and hurried his pace. He didn’t walk too far away from Esau and Cyarea, just enough to have some privacy. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he had to watch Esau any longer. He desperately wanted to kiss him, and he suspected Esau would let him.
What were they doing?
Hopefully, they’d reach the portal tomorrow. Lazarus would be happy to get out of Hell, especially considering how the last few days had gone, but it meant things would change between him and Esau. They already were shaky enough as it was. What would it mean for them?
Esau didn’t belong in the human realm, or at least, that was what he thought. Lazarus wasn’t sure he shared that opinion, but he knew Esau well enough by now to realize he couldn’t be forced to do anything. That included going to the human realm.
But Lazarus didn’t have to move there. He’d considered it because he wanted more time with Sal now that both of them were mortal, but he might have to choose which brother was more important to him.
How was he supposed to do that?
He loved Sal. They’d been best friends for hundreds of years, and he didn’t want to lose that. Besides, Sal would understand. Well, he wouldn’t understand why Lazarus wanted to be with his brother, since Lazarus suspected Sal didn’t truly know Esau, but he wouldn’t mind. Besides, it wasn’t like Lazarus had mentioned he’d thought about moving to the human realm to anyone.
No matter how much he enjoyed visiting the human realm, it wasn’t his home. His home was at the caves, and it would be perfect if there was a portal closer to them. If that was the case, he’d be able to move back and forth between Hell and the human realm much easier. He couldn’t create a portal, though. Only very few demons could, and all those demons were powerful. Lazarus didn’t know them personally, so he couldn’t ask for a favor, and he knew better than to petition the Hell princes to see if they would do it.
Lazarus couldn’t make plans for now. He and Esau had to talk first to find out what the other felt. Thinking about all this would be pointless if Esau didn’t want to be with him. Even if they both wanted a relationship, they might not be able to make it work.
Lazarus hated this situation. He hated not having answers to vital questions. Most of all, at this point, he hated the road and the black dust that surrounded them. He wanted to go home, but he wasn’t sure where that home was anymore. Was it at the caves with Esau? Was it in the human realm with Sal?
Or was it on his own?