FERDINAND FITZROY, OR TOO HANDSOME FOR ANY THING.

“My dear friend,” said I, the other day, to a mother who was expressing her anxiety that her son should be as handsome as herself—” Believe me, that if beauty be a fatal gift for women, it is an inconvenient one to men. — A handsome face is very much against a young gentleman destined to the professions. An attorney takes an instinctive dislike to an Adonis of a barrister. What prudent man would like Antinous for his family physician? The envy of our sex (much more jealous than yours) will not acknowledge wisdom unless it has a snub nose. When Apollo came to earth the highest employment he could obtain was that of a shepherd.”

“Pooh,” replied my fair friend—” Has it not been well said, that a handsome face is a letter of recommendation?”

“It is a Bellerophon letter, madam, and betrays while it recommends. Permit me to tell you the history of Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy.”

Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy was one of those models of perfection of which a human father and mother can produce but a single example. — Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy was therefore an only son. He was such an amazing favourite with both his parents that they resolved to ruin him; accordingly, he was exceedingly spoiled, never annoyed by the sight of a book, and had as much plum-cake as he could eat. Happy would it have been for Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy could he always have eaten plum-cake, and remained a child. “Never,” says the Greek Tragedian, “reckon a mortal happy till you have witnessed his end.” A most beautiful creature was Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy! Such eyes — such hair — such teeth — such a figure — such manners, too, — and such an irresistible way of tying his neckcloth! When he was about sixteen, a crabbed old uncle represented to his parents the propriety of teaching Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy to read and write. Though not without some difficulty, he convinced them, — for he was exceedingly rich, and riches in an uncle are wonderful arguments respecting the nurture of a nephew whose parents have nothing to leave him. So our hero was sent to school. He was naturally a very sharp, clever boy; and he came on surprisingly in his learning. The schoolmaster’s wife liked handsome children.—” What a genius will Master Ferdinand Fitzroy be, if you take pains with him!” said she, to her husband.

“Pooh, my dear, it is of no use to take pains with him.”

“And why, love?”

“Because he is a great deal too handsome ever to be a scholar.”

“That’s true enough, my dear!” said the schoolmaster’s wife.

So, because he was too handsome to be a scholar, Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy remained the lag of the fourth form!

They took our hero from school.—” What profession shall he follow?” said his mother.

“My first cousin is the Lord Chancellor,” said his father, “let him go to the bar.”

The Lord Chancellor dined there that day: Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy was introduced to him; his Lordship was a little, rough-faced, beetle-browed, hard-featured man, who thought beauty and idleness the same thing — and a parchment skin the legitimate complexion for a lawyer.

“Send him to the bar!” said he, “no, no, that will never do! — Send him into the army; he is much too handsome to become a lawyer.”

“That’s true enough, my Lord!” said the mother. So they bought Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy a cornetcy in the — Regiment of Dragoons.

Things are not learned by inspiration. Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy had never ridden at school, except when he was hoisted; he was, therefore, a very indifferent horseman; they sent him to the riding-school, and everybody laughed at him.

“He is a d — d ass!” said Cornet Horsephiz, who was very ugly; “A horrid puppy!” said Lieutenant St. Squintem, who was still uglier; “If he does not ride better, he will disgrace the regiment!” said Captain Rivalhate, who was very good-looking; “If he does not ride better, we will cut him!” said Colonel Everdrill, who was a wonderful martinet; “I say, Mr. Bumpemwell, (to the riding-master,) make that youngster ride less like a miller’s sack.” —

“Pooh, sir, he will never ride better.”

“And why the d — I will he not?”

“Bless you, Colonel, he is a great deal too handsome for a cavalry officer!”

“True!” said Cornet Horsephiz.

“Very true!” said Lieutenant St. Squintem.

“We must cut him!” said the Colonel.

And Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy was accordingly cut.

Our hero was a youth of susceptibility — he quitted the — regiment, and challenged the Colonel. The Colonel was killed!

“What improper behaviour in Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy!” said the Colonel’s relations.

“Very true!” said the world.

The parents were in despair! — They were not rich; but our hero was an only son, and they sponged hard upon the crabbed old uncle!

“He is very clever,” said they both, “and may do yet.”

So they borrowed some thousands from the uncle, and bought his beautiful nephew a seat in Parliament.

Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy was ambitious, and desirous of retrieving his character. He fagged like a dragon — conned pamphlets and reviews — got Ricardo by heart — and made notes on the English Constitution.

He rose to speak.

“What a handsome fellow!” whispered one member.

“Ah, a coxcomb!” said another.

“Never do for a speaker!” said a third, very audibly.

And the gentlemen on the opposite benches sneered and heared! — Impudence is only indigenous in Milesia, and an orator is not made in a day. Discouraged by his reception, Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy grew a little embarrassed.

“Told you so!” said one of his neighbours.

“Fairly broke down!” said another.

“Too fond of his hair to have any thing in his head,” said a third, who was considered a wit.

“Hear, hear!” cried the gentlemen on the opposite benches.

Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy sat down — he had not shone; but, in justice, he had not failed. Many a first-rate speaker had made a less flourishing commencement; and many a county member had been declared a phoenix of promise upon half his merit.

Not so, thought the heroes of corn laws.

“Your Adonises never make orators!” said a crack speaker with a wry nose.

“Nor men of business either,” added the chairman of a committee, with a face like a kangaroo’s.

“Poor devil!” said the civilest of the set. “He’s a deuced deal too handsome for work! By Jove, he is going to speak again — this will never do; we must cough him down!”

And Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy was accordingly coughed down.

Our hero was now seven or eight and twenty, handsomer than ever, and the admiration of all the young ladies at Almack’s.

“We have nothing to leave you,” said the parents, who had long spent their fortune, and now lived on the credit of having once enjoyed it.— “You are the handsomest man in London; you must marry an heiress.”

“I will,” said Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy.

Miss Helen Convolvulus was a charming young lady, with a hare-lip and six thousand a-year. To Miss Helen Convolvulus then our hero paid his addresses.

Heavens! what an uproar her relations made about the matter. “Easy to see his intentions,” said one: “a handsome fortune-hunter, who wants to make the best of his person!”—” handsome is that handsome does,” says another; “he was turned out of the army, and murdered his Colonel;”—” never marry a beauty,” said a third;—” he can admire none but himself;”

“will have so many mistresses,” said a fourth;—” make you perpetually jealous,” said a fifth;— “spend your fortune,” said a sixth; “and break your heart,” said a seventh.

Miss Helen Convolvulus was prudent and wary. She saw a great deal of justice in what was said; and was sufficiently contented with liberty and six thousand a-year, not to be highly impatient for a husband; but our heroine had no aversion to a lover; especially to so handsome a lover as Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy. Accordingly she neither accepted nor discarded him; but kept him on hope, and suffered him to get into debt with his tailor, and his coach-maker, on the strength of becoming Mr. Fitzroy Convolvulus. Time went on, and excuses and delays were easily found; however, our hero was sanguine, and so were his parents. A breakfast at Chiswick, and a putrid fever, carried off the latter, within one week of each other; but not till they had blessed Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy, and rejoiced that they had left him so well provided for.

Now, then, our hero depended solely upon the crabbed old uncle and Miss Helen Convolvulus; — the former, though a baronet and a satirist, was a banker and a man of business: — he looked very distastefully at the Hyperion curls and white teeth of Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy.

“If I make you my heir,” said he—” I expect you will continue the bank.”

“Certainly, sir!” said the nephew.

“Humph!” grunted the uncle, “a pretty fellow for a banker!”

Debtors grew pressing to Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy, and Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy grew pressing to Miss Helen Convolvulus. “It is a dangerous thing,” said she, timidly, “to marry a man so admired, — will you always be faithful?”

“By heaven!” cried the lover —

“Heigho!” sighed Miss Helen Convolvulus, and Lord Rufus Pumilion entering, the conversation was changed.

But the day of the marriage was fixed; and Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy bought a new curricle. By Apollo, how handsome he looked in it! A month before the wedding-day the uncle died. Miss Helen Convolvulus was quite tender in her condolences—” Cheer up, my Ferdinand,” said she, “for your sake, I have discarded Lord Rufus Pumilion!”

“Adorable condescension!” cried our hero; “but Lord Rufus Pumilion is only four feet two, and has hair like a peony.”

“All men are not so handsome as Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy!” was the reply.

Away goes our hero, to be present at the opening of his uncle’s will. —

“I leave,” said the testator, (who, I have before said, was a bit of a satirist,) “my share of the bank, and the whole of my fortune, legacies excepted, to” — (here Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy wiped his beautiful eyes with a cambric handkerchief, exquisitely brodé)—” my natural son, John Spriggs, an industrious, pains-taking youth, who will do credit to the bank. I did once intend to have made my nephew Ferdinand my heir; but so curly a head can have no talent for accounts. I want my successor to be a man of business, not beauty; and Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy is a great deal too handsome for a banker;. his good looks will, no doubt, win him any heiress in town. Meanwhile, I leave him, to buy a dressing-case, a thousand pounds.”

“A thousand devils!” cried Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy, banging out of the room. He flew to his mistress. She was not at home. “Lies,” says the Italian proverb, “have short legs but truths, if they are unpleasant, have terribly long ones! The next day Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy received a most obliging note of dismissal.

“I wish you every happiness,” said Miss Helen Convolvulus, in conclusion—” but my friends are right; you are much too handsome for a husband!”

And the week following, Miss Helen Convolvulus became Lady Rufus Pumilion!

“Alas! sir,” said the bailiff, as a day or two after the dissolution of Parliament, he was jogging along with Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy, in a hackney coach bound to the King’s Bench,—” Alas! sir, what a pity it is to take so handsome a gentleman to prison!”