‘I WANT to see my mummy,’ Ellie said. ‘Why can’t I go and see her? I made her a picture and I want to take it to her.’
‘I know you do, sweetheart,’ Hannah murmured. She finished washing the last of the crockery and left the pots to drain. Hurriedly, she wiped her hands on a teatowel, and went over to the little girl. ‘Just as soon as the doctor says it’s all right, I’ll take you to see her, I promise.’ She put an arm around Ellie’s shoulders. ‘I know it’s hard for you, not being able to see your mummy as you used to, but we saw her yesterday, didn’t we? You gave her a big kiss.’
Ellie’s lip was jutting. ‘Want to see her today.’
‘She wasn’t feeling very well today. Anyway, I thought we could go and buy her some flowers in the morning, so that she’ll have a nice surprise when we go and see her tomorrow. Which flower does she like best, do you know?’
‘Roses. Ones that smell nice. She loves those.’
‘Good. Those are what we’ll get for her, then.’ Hannah went to a cupboard and brought out some tissue paper left over from a present-wrapping session. ‘Shall I show you how to make some flowers out of tissue paper? I bet we can make some really pretty ones.’
Ellie nodded, intrigued, and came to sit down at the table, watching as Hannah cut the coloured paper and twisted it into shape. ‘See, doesn’t that look lovely? Now we need to fix it with some wire, to make a stem. I’ll have to see if I can find some.’
Ellie was momentarily distracted and started to make flowers of her own accord. Watching her, Hannah breathed a small sigh of relief. It was difficult sometimes, not knowing what to do to soothe the child and keep her happy.
Abby’s condition had improved a little, after a brief setback, but the medical team wanted her to get as much rest as possible. Hannah had gone to visit her every day, and she had taken Ellie with her as often as was possible, but obviously it wasn’t often enough as far as Ellie was concerned.
‘We’ll go and see her early tomorrow morning, if you like, before I start work.’ It would mean dropping Ellie off at her childminder’s house afterwards, instead of taking her straight to nursery school, but that was a small price to pay.
The flower shop was closed when they set off after breakfast next day, but Ellie didn’t seem to be too upset about that. She was clutching the paper flowers they had made, and she was waiting expectantly to see how her mother would react to them.
Hannah felt good inside. Two letters had arrived in the post that morning, and they were both from the same source, the missing persons line, and one of them was for Abby. She wondered how her friend would respond to her own surprise package.
‘Oh, they are so beautiful,’ Abby said, her face lighting up in a smile when she saw the flowers. ‘Thank you, Ellie. These are lovely.’
‘We was going to get you real ones, but the shop was closed.’
‘These are just as pretty. They’re perfect.’
It was good to see that Abby was looking better today, and after a while Hannah gently broached the subject that was on her mind. ‘I had a letter this morning,’ she said, ‘from the missing persons agency. They’ve given me a phone number to pass on to you…It’s your parents’ number, I believe, and there’s an address, but neither of them are the same as the ones you had. Do you think you might feel up to giving them a call later on?’
Abby’s mouth dropped open, and her eyes widened. ‘How did the agency manage to find them?’
‘I’m not sure. They checked the electoral register for different areas, as far as I know. It took a while, and I suppose there’s a chance that they may have the wrong people, but at least the agency managed to come through with a result.’ Hannah handed the letter to Abby.
‘I don’t know what to say.’ Abby sank back against her pillows. ‘Thank you for doing all this for me, Hannah. I’ll have to think about it for a bit and try to take everything on board. For some reason it’s taking a while to sink in.’
‘Don’t hassle yourself. It was bound to have come as a bit of a shock. Just try to rest and concentrate on getting well again. Ellie wants you home.’
Ellie sat on the bed and snuggled in the crook of her mother’s arm. ‘You come home soon?’ she asked.
‘Just as soon as I can,’ Abby promised.
When Hannah walked into A and E half an hour later, Adam was assigning patients for treatment. ‘You can take the angina patient,’ he told her. ‘Sarah has put him on an ECG, but he’s not responding to glyceryl trinitrate.’
‘I’ll go and take a look at him.’
Adam stopped her as she would have walked away. His hand lightly gripped her arm and he was looking at her oddly. ‘You seem different this morning…though I’m not sure what it is that’s changed. Has something happened? Is your friend, Abby, being discharged from hospital?’
She shook her head. ‘Not yet. I’m hopeful that it won’t be too long before that happens, though, and in the meantime we’ve had news of her parents. Or, at least, we think we’ve found them.’
‘I’m glad for her…but there’s something else, isn’t there?’ His eyes narrowed. ‘Does it have something to do with your search for your mother? Has something turned up?’
She nodded. ‘I’m trying not to get too excited about it just yet. These things have a way of not turning out as you expect, but the missing persons line has given me the name of a company where my mother used to work at one time. Apparently she was a textile designer there. There’s a possibility that they might have a forwarding address, or they might be able to tell me something about her. Anyway, I’m going to follow it up just as soon as I have the time…perhaps later, after I finish work.’
She had already made up her mind to give Ryan a call and see if it was possible for him to come and sit with Ellie while she went to find the place.
‘Perhaps you had better leave early. These organisations tend to keep to business hours. If we’re not too busy then, I’ll arrange cover for you.’
‘Would you?’ She gave him a beaming smile. ‘Thanks, Adam. It means so much to me.’ She laid a hand lightly on his arm but he shifted away from her and her hand slid down.
‘I know it does.’ He didn’t say any more, but turned away to attend to his patients, leaving her stung by that sudden rejection. Why had he done that? Was he remembering how she had ultimately pushed him away that day at his apartment, or did he still believe that no good would come of her search?
She couldn’t talk to him about any of that now, though. He wasn’t in a receptive mood, and she doubted she would get anywhere for her trouble. Right now her work had to take priority.
She went in search of her patient. He was in a good deal of pain, and was clearly anxious about what was happening to him. She carefully examined him.
‘I’m going to give you an injection to relieve the discomfort,’ she told him, after a while, ‘and I’m going to set up an infusion of glyceryl trinitrate, so that you should soon be feeling much better. It should work better for you that way, rather than taking it by mouth as you’ve been used to doing.’
Adam came and found her a few minutes later. ‘How’s it going? Is his condition improving at all?’
‘Not really,’ she said. ‘I’m worried that the angina is unstable and I think he probably needs to go for angiography.’
He nodded. ‘Contact Cardiology and have someone come down and take a look at him. With any luck, they’ll probably want to come and deal with it right away.’
‘I’ll do that.’
She went back to her patient and carefully explained to him what might happen.
‘Why do I need to see a surgeon?’ he asked. ‘I’ve always just had tablets before.’
‘The tablets don’t seem to be very effective any more,’ she told him. ‘We think that there could be an obstruction in your artery that is hampering your circulation and causing you pain. The surgeon will try to remove that obstruction.’
‘Are they going to cut me open?’
Hannah shook her head. ‘Nothing as drastic as that. You’ll be given a local anaesthetic so that you won’t feel any pain from the procedure, and then the surgeon will insert a catheter into the artery at your groin and feed it upwards until it meets the obstruction. He’ll try to remove whatever’s causing the problem.’
He seemed resigned to the procedure and, having gained his consent some time later, Hannah left him in the care of the cardiologist.
She was so busy for the rest of the day that she hardly had time to think about the letter sitting in her pocket. She wanted to follow up the lead about her mother more than anything, but work had to come first and she had to make a determined effort to concentrate on the job in hand.
Her angina patient was scheduled for angiography early that afternoon, and Hannah had to ensure that he was comfortable in the meantime. She was glad when the surgeon finally came and told her that the procedure had gone well.
‘You should go now,’ Adam told her, when she had finished writing up her notes. ‘I’ll take over for you from here.’ He sent her a quick look. ‘Are you going straight to the company’s address, or do you have to go home first?’
‘I’ll go and collect Ellie and see her settled at home. I’ve asked Ryan to come over and stay with her, but he has to go for a meeting with his tutor and might not be able to get away on time.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘It’s early yet, though. I might give the company’s personnel officer a call and let her know when I expect to arrive there. I spoke to her earlier, and she said they’re not really supposed to tell me anything, and she couldn’t guarantee any information, but in the circumstances she would do her best to see if they have something on file. I’m just hoping that she’ll be able to give me some clue as to what might have happened to my mother.’
‘Good luck.’
She gave him a lopsided smile. ‘Thanks.’ It was strange talking to him this way. He was so close to her that she could have touched him if she were just to reach out a hand, but after the way he had reacted to her that morning, she was wary of doing that. It was as though an invisible wall separated them and neither one of them was prepared to breach it.
She went back to the flat and waited for Ryan to arrive. Ellie was in a fractious mood, and it took all Hannah’s ingenuity to find ways to pacify her.
‘I don’t like my nursery school,’ Ellie stormed. ‘It’s horrible. They made me drink milk and I hate milk.’
Hannah sent her a thoughtful look. ‘You drink milk when I give it to you.’ She didn’t know what to make of this latest rebellion.
‘Your milk’s different.’ Ellie glared at Hannah. ‘I’m not going to school again.’
‘Oh, dear. That’s a shame. I thought you liked seeing your friends at school. You’ll miss them if you don’t go.’
‘Don’t care. I want my mummy.’
Hannah winced, at a loss for the moment, but just then the doorbell rang, and she hurried to let Ryan into the flat.
‘You made it, then,’ she said with a smile. ‘Thanks for coming over. I was a bit undecided whether to ring you…I wasn’t sure whether all your exams were over and done with.’
‘They’re all over now, so it’s no problem. We’re all just biding our time, from here on, waiting on the results.’
‘How do you think you’ve done? Is it hard to say, or do you think they went all right?’
He made a face. ‘All right, I think. My tutor seems to feel that I don’t need to worry about my grades, anyway.’
‘Does he?’ Hannah smiled. ‘That’s brilliant. I’m glad for you.’ She paused. ‘I take it that you’ve made up for arguing with him, then?’
Ryan nodded. ‘He’s been loosing his cool lately, but he’s not a bad sort, when all’s said and done. I think he was worried about cuts in staffing at the college, but he’s been told his job’s safe, so he’s calmed right down.’
‘I’m glad.’ Hannah put her arms around him and gave him a hug. ‘I knew it wasn’t your fault that you argued.’
A discreet cough made her turn around, and she stared in surprise to see that Adam was standing in the room.
‘Adam…you startled me.’ She frowned. ‘What are you doing here? How did you get in?’
‘The door was open,’ he said. ‘In fact, both this door and the front door downstairs were open. I did knock, but you obviously didn’t hear me.’ He sent Ryan a grim look. ‘Perhaps you were too busy.’
What had he meant by that? She let her arms drop to her sides and she straightened her shoulders.
She was still unsure about exactly what was going on, or what had brought him here. ‘I was just getting ready to go,’ she said. ‘Ryan’s going to stay with Ellie for me.’
Adam nodded. ‘I came as soon as my shift ended. I thought that if he didn’t manage to get here, I could help out myself, but I can see that’s not necessary after all.’ He glanced around, still unsmiling. ‘Where is Ellie? She isn’t usually this quiet, is she?’
Hannah’s gaze darted around the room. ‘I expect she’s in the bathroom,’ she said. She went to check, but there was no sign of the little girl, and she glanced into the kitchen in case she had gone in there. ‘I don’t understand. She was here just a minute ago.’ She was frowning now, a sudden feeling of panic growing inside her.
She looked back at the door and saw that there was a small imprint in the velvet-upholstered lid of the toy box that was placed to one side of it. Her pulse quickened. ‘Do you think she climbed up and opened the door? She’s growing fast, and perhaps she can reach the doorhandle.’
Panicking now, she flung open the door and raced downstairs. There was still no sign of Ellie. The hallway was empty and the front door was closed, but she guessed that Adam must have done that when he’d come in. When Hannah looked about her, she could see that Ellie might have been able to reach up and open it, perhaps by climbing up onto the low umbrella stand that was to one side. It was long and rectangular, and sturdy enough to hold her weight.
By now, Ryan and Adam had come downstairs to join her. ‘Have you checked all around?’ she asked. ‘I can’t find her.’
‘She’s nowhere in this building,’ Adam said. ‘I’ve tried Dean’s flat and Abby’s, but they’re both locked up and there’s no sound of anyone in there.’
Ryan looked concerned. ‘She can’t have gone far, can she? She was here when I arrived just a little while ago.’
Hannah pulled open the front door and looked down the street. There were no children to be seen. ‘Where can she have gone?’ Her mind was racing, but her anxious thoughts were getting her nowhere. ‘I know she’s upset about school, and she’s missing her mother, but surely she wouldn’t just have run out blindly, not caring where she was going?’
‘I’ll go and look down the street,’ Ryan said. He set off at a sprint, looking around him as he went, and Hannah went to follow him outside.
‘Stop for a minute and think,’ Adam said, laying a hand on her arm and holding her back. ‘What might she have had in mind? Does she know where you go to get to the underground station? Would she be likely to try to get to the hospital?’
Hannah shook her head. ‘I wouldn’t have thought she’d remember the way.’ Her brow indented. ‘We went to see Abby this morning, and I wouldn’t have expected her to be so desperate as to go there on her own. She would be too frightened.’
‘Where else might she go? Is there anything she wanted apart from her mother? Anything she was upset about?’
‘I can’t think straight. My mind’s all over the place.’
‘Take your time.’
Ryan came back, his breath coming in short bursts. ‘I’ve been down the street both ways and checked the road junctions. I can’t see her anywhere.’ He paused to suck air into his lungs. ‘I’ll try the neighbours.’
‘She wanted to give Abby some flowers,’ Hannah said, looking up at Adam, ‘but we were too early this morning and the shop was closed. I can’t see that she would have gone there now, though. She knows that you need money to buy them, and she doesn’t have any.’
Adam was thoughtful. ‘What about a garden nearby?’ He glanced around. ‘Are there any gardens around here, where she might have gone?’
‘Yes…’ A spark of hope sprang into life inside her. ‘There’s a park, just a couple of streets away from here—it’s only small, but there are lawns and a shrubbery and a formal rose garden. It’s possible that she could have gone there.’
Ryan came back from exploring the houses on either side. ‘I can’t find her,’ he said. ‘Shall I wait here while you go and look for her, in case she comes back?’
‘Would you?’ Hannah laid a hand fleetingly on his arm. ‘Thanks, Ryan. There’s a faint chance that she might have gone to look at the roses. Perhaps she had it in her head to pick some for her mother.’
She hurried away, and Adam went with her. By the time they arrived at the park, she was out of breath from rushing, and they decided to split up and go in opposite directions to cover both sides of the gardens.
Hannah skirted the stone-built water fountain and ran across the grass. Slowing down, she turned onto the footpath and approached the rose beds. Her heart was pounding so fast that she could feel the pulse thumping in her throat. Then she stopped and stood still. There, over on the far side of the beautifully laid out patchwork of flowers, a small child was reaching out to touch a pink rose.
Hannah walked up to her, going to stand quietly next to the little girl.
‘Mummy likes these,’ Ellie told her. ‘I want to give Mummy some flowers like these ones.’ She glanced up at Hannah. ‘Can I pick one?’
Hannah shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, but the park-keeper won’t let us do that.’
‘Why?’
‘We’re not allowed to take the flowers, because if we do that there will be none left for other people to enjoy.’
‘Why?’
Hannah’s mouth made an odd little quirk, but she was still too taken aback by what had happened for her to be able to answer the impossible question. Instead, she laid a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. ‘We’ll go and see if we can buy some from the flower shop. It should still be open.’
She was too overwhelmed at finding Ellie to be cross with her for giving her such a fright. Later, when she was calmer, she would give her the lecture about not running away. For now, she was content to hug the child and satisfy herself that she was safe.
Adam came and stood beside her. ‘Well, that’s a relief,’ he said.
Hannah nodded. ‘Let’s get her home, shall we?’ She gave a faint smile. ‘I need to stop by the florist on the way.’
Adam’s mouth made a wry shape. ‘I guessed as much.’
Ryan was glad to see them arrive. ‘Thank heaven for that,’ he said. He looked at Ellie. ‘We thought we’d lost you,’ he said. ‘We were all very worried.’
‘Why?’ Ellie asked.
‘Because we didn’t know where you were.’
‘Why?’
Adam made a coughing sound, covering a laugh, and Hannah did her best to hide a smile.
‘You went out without telling us where you were going,’ she said. ‘I thought you were in the sitting room, but when I looked around, you had gone. I was very worried. I didn’t know where to look for you.’
Ellie gave her a quizzical look, and she might have said something, but Ryan cut in, ‘I’ll take you to see your mummy, if you like.’
‘Now?’
‘Yes, right now. Let’s hurry up and get ready to go.’ He glanced at Hannah. ‘You should go and call on the personnel officer. I doubt she’ll wait around for much longer.’
Hannah gave a start. ‘Yes…I’d almost forgotten. Will you be able to wait around here for me after you’ve been to the hospital? Are you staying the night, or do you have to get back?’
‘I can stay the night,’ Ryan told her, ‘so you don’t need to worry about rushing home.’
‘Thanks.’ She glanced at Adam. ‘It was really thoughtful of you to come over to help out. I didn’t expect you to do that.’
‘I know how much it means to you to find your mother.’ His expression was serious, and now he glanced down at his watch. ‘Time’s running on. I’ll give you a lift over to the company’s office.’
‘Thanks.’
They set off a little while later. Adam didn’t say much on the drive over there, and Hannah wondered what was occupying his thoughts. She said, ‘I don’t think I would have known where to begin looking for Ellie if you hadn’t made me stop and get myself together. I needed that breathing space.’
‘It’s hard to think logically when you’re upset. I imagine Ellie was working on the same principle. Her mother was uppermost in her mind, and she wanted to please her.’ He manoeuvred the car through the traffic and then added, ‘Ryan must have know that when he decided to take her to see Abby. She won’t settle until she’s given her the flowers.’
‘You’re probably right.’ She sent him an oblique glance. ‘I thought Ryan was really good, the way he went looking for her. He just shot off and did whatever he could to make sure that she wasn’t nearby.’
Adam’s expression didn’t change. ‘Yes, he was quick thinking and he did the right thing.’
It didn’t sound as though his impression of Ryan had changed, though. His attitude was much the same as it had been before…as though there was still a line dividing them. Hannah was disappointed.
‘Ryan has been trying really hard lately to make things work,’ she said cautiously. ‘He’s cleared up his debts, and he’s been working really hard on his studies. He says the exams went well. He even patched up the dispute with his tutor, though it wasn’t his fault that they argued to begin with.’
‘He’s lucky that he’s had you to champion him,’ Adam murmured. ‘You always had faith in him and took the time to help him make the best of himself.’ He looked at her searchingly. ‘You care very deeply for him, don’t you? There’s a very strong bond between the two of you.’
She nodded. ‘We’ve been through a lot together.’
He didn’t say any more, but announced a moment or two later, ‘We’re here. This must be the place. I’ll wait here for you.’
‘Are you sure?’
He nodded. Perhaps he didn’t want to intrude on her personal space, but Hannah was nervous at the prospect of talking to someone who had news about her mother. Deep inside, she would have welcomed his support, or been thankful for his comforting presence. He had come this far, though, and she wasn’t going to push the issue.
The personnel officer was friendly and generally understanding of the situation, but she said, ‘I’m not supposed to give information out. All I’m actually allowed to do is to confirm that this person worked here at one time.’ Her expression was sympathetic. ‘I’m sorry…I wish I could tell you more.’
Hannah was crestfallen. ‘I’m desperate for news of my mother,’ she said. ‘I was fostered, and then adopted, and now I’ve come to London to look for her. I’ve been trying to trace her for the last few months, but I haven’t had any success, and this is the only hope I have of finding her. Did you know her at all? Could you tell me that? Any small thing would be a help.’
The woman shook her head. ‘I’ve only worked here for around five years, and I didn’t know your mother at all.’ She hesitated, and then seemed to relent. She said quietly, confidentially, ‘She worked for the company some twelve years ago, as a freelance textile designer, but she was only here for a short time. We still use some of her designs, though. I could show you, if you like?’
‘Could you?’ Hannah’s heart gave a sudden lurch. ‘Thank you…Yes, I’d like that, very much.’
Hannah was intrigued by the work that the woman showed her. The fabric samples were beautiful, with delicate patterns embroidered into the material or with thread woven into an embossed feature.
‘Your mother is a very talented woman.’
Hannah nodded. ‘Yes, I can see that she is.’ She hesitated. ‘Do you know why she left, or where she might have gone from here? I don’t suppose you had a forwarding address.’
The woman flicked through the file drawer. ‘I’m afraid I have very little. As far as I can gather, her mother died some six months before she left us. That would be your grandmother, wouldn’t it? There’s a resignation note in her file that tells us she wanted to move on after she had finished dealing with her mother’s estate. Other than that, there’s not much more I can tell you, I’m afraid.’
‘Could I have the letter, do you think? Or maybe a copy of it?’ It wasn’t much, but it looked as though that was all she might ever have of her mother.
‘I’ll make a photocopy for the file, and you can have the original, if you like…just don’t tell anyone that I was the one who gave it to you.’ The woman gave her a sympathetic smile. ‘I’m sorry that I’m not able to help you any more than that. As it is, we usually throw out any records after a certain length of time, so you’ve been fortunate that we still have these on file. Everything else has been updated onto the computers, and there’s no information about your mother on there.’
‘Thank you for your help, anyway,’ Hannah murmured. She glanced down at the letter, brushing a finger lightly over the handwritten words as though that would bring her closer to the woman she hadn’t seen for so long.
She went outside to where Adam was waiting for her in the car.
‘Was it any help?’ Adam asked as he opened the car door for her and watched her slide into the passenger seat.
‘Not really,’ Hannah said. ‘There was just this letter of resignation. The address is my grandmother’s house, and I’ve already looked at that and come to a stop.’ She pressed her lips together to stop them from trembling. ‘At least I have something that was hers.’ She showed the letter to Adam, and then when he handed it back to her, she folded it carefully and pushed it into the pocket of her jacket. Her hands were shaking, and she clasped her fingers together to hold them still.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I know that you were hoping for a lot more.’ He drew her to him, wrapping his arms around her, and that simple act was her undoing. Salt tears trickled down her cheeks, and she buried her face into his shoulder, quietly weeping for what might have been.
His hand gently stroked the silk of her hair, and she let him soothe her, absorbing the comfort of his nearness, his undemanding gentleness.
Slowly she cried herself out, and then gradually began to pull herself together. She brushed the dampness from her cheeks with trembling fingers and tried to make herself presentable again.
‘I’m all right,’ she said, straightening. ‘I’m sorry. I should have tried to hold it all together.’
‘Crying is probably the best thing you can do. It will do you good to let it all out and to let go. It’s one of the ways that we start to heal.’
‘Perhaps.’
‘Is there anything that I can do?’ He ran a finger lightly along her cheek, as though satisfying himself that she really was over the worst. Then he moved back from her and simply looked at her, waiting for her response.
‘I think I’ve come to the end of the line,’ she said huskily. ‘I don’t see any other avenue to explore.’
She was quiet for a moment, and then said, ‘Perhaps I’ll never know the truth of what happened, but I do believe that my mother didn’t do anything wrong, no matter what my father might have implied. How could he be the judge of her? Perhaps he let his guilty conscience do the talking. Throughout my childhood, he hardly ever made much of an attempt to take care of me, but I never heard my mother say a bad word about him.’
‘What will you do now? Do you have any idea?’
‘I think I’ll go home to the Chilterns and try to get on with my life when my stint in A and E here finishes. I’ve always been relatively secure there, and I know my mum will be pleased to have me nearby. She worries about how I’m doing.’
‘So you’re giving up? You’re planning to run away?’
She stiffened. ‘If you want to put it like that, yes.’
He turned on the car’s ignition and began the drive home. He didn’t say very much, and Hannah was lost in her own thoughts.
Had he wondered whether she might want to stay on in London? He hadn’t asked her to do that, and she honestly didn’t know whether she was up to it.
Being close to him had taught her one thing above all…she wanted him to stay close by. She wanted to see him and be with him, and most of all she wanted him to feel the same way about her. She loved him, that had become clearer to her day by day, week by week, but it had come as no surprise. She had always known that he was special.
The trouble was that in following through on that love, wouldn’t she be copying the pattern set by her mother, in loving a man who was more interested in his career prospects than he was in wanting to be with her?