INT. SAUNA. ATHENS – DAY
Socrates enters and sees the young athlete Protagoras.
SOCRATES: Hello, Protagoras!
PROTAGORAS: Hello, Socrates.
SOCRATES: You seem far from your usual carefree self.
PROTAGORAS: Wise, observant Socrates! This is so.
SOCRATES: Here, let me give you a back rub.
PROTAGORAS: Thank you, Socrates.
SOCRATES: Gosh, I can really feel the tension in your shoulders.
PROTAGORAS: I am beset by worry.
SOCRATES: Is it the coming games? You need not be anxious! You throw that discus like Zeus himself. I’ve watched you practise. It’s quite a spectacle.
PROTAGORAS: It is true, the training progresses well.
SOCRATES: Anyone can tell you’ve really been working out just from looking at you. These biceps are like rocks.
PROTAGORAS: Thank you, Socrates.
Protagoras loosens his toga and stretches.
PROTAGORAS: No, it is not the world of sport but affairs of the heart that hang heavy with me.
SOCRATES: Sorry, what? I got a bit distracted just then.
PROTAGORAS: Perhaps you might help me, kind Socrates. You are familiar with the mysteries of women?
SOCRATES: Oh. Yes. Obviously. Good old women. Can’t get enough of them.
PROTAGORAS: There is a young Spartan maiden whose eye I wish to catch, but she seems oblivious to my very existence.
SOCRATES: Ah.
PROTAGORAS: I have tried wearing an interesting hat, but to no avail.
SOCRATES: Well then, young, fresh Protagoras, I suppose I must tell you.
PROTAGORAS: There is a solution to my problem?
SOCRATES: There is. Listen close though, for it is a secret only a few of the most noble born Athenians are privy to. The key to the human heart itself. Are you sure you wish to know?
PROTAGORAS: Tell me! Oh tell me please! I would do anything to know such things.
SOCRATES: You cannot unlearn this knowledge. It will change your world. Are you sure?
PROTAGORAS: I beg you, Socrates!
SOCRATES: In order to win the heart of the one you love, you must remember this.
Socrates pauses, and does a drum roll on an urn.
SOCRATES: First you must cultivate an air of General Disinterest. Then you must demonstrate Great Wit. And finally you must appear Distractedly Philosophical. It never fails, because it’s foolproof. Though, if it should fail, a further stage would be to pretend that you had a terminal illness.