As Tasha walked to school that afternoon to pick up Max and Bella it seemed as though she was seeing the world through a newly-acquired veil of guilt. She was no longer the same person who had traced those exact steps that morning.
Max was first out. ‘My tooth fell out!’ he cried, proudly showing her a labelled envelope. ‘It was dangling on one thread of gum. Mikey pulled it out for me at lunch.’
‘Eurgh! How disgusting!’ Tasha grimaced, pocketing the package carefully, ready for the tooth fairy later that night.
‘It was awesome!’ Max beamed. He was definitely not as squeamish as his mother.
Bella arrived in the playground moments later. ‘I had the best day ever!’ she squealed, completely oblivious to her mother’s turmoil as she jumped into Tasha’s arms for a hug.
‘Oh, great!’ Tasha fixed a smile to her face. ‘What happened? Tell me all about it!’
‘We had a special visitor who came in to show us his owl.’
‘His owl?’
‘Cool!’ said Max, his eyes rounding with intrigue.
‘We’ve been learning about them all term and today we got to see one for ourselves! It was so fun. It was just like Hedwig in Harry Potter…’ As Tasha listened to Bella’s joyous ramblings her heart pounded. She was still flushed with shame that she could have jeopardised her precious family’s happiness so readily.
‘What can we have for tea?’ Max asked. ‘I’m starving.’
‘I’ve got crumpets for tea and then it’s fish pie for dinner.’
‘Crumpets!’ Max pirouetted with excitement. ‘Thanks, Mum, you’re the best!’
Only Tasha knew how completely untrue this was. She had to keep fighting back tears. She was dreading seeing Charlie. What if he took one look at her and knew what she had done? Maybe the betrayal was written all over her face.
‘Let’s cross here,’ Tasha said at the top of the road, determined not to go anywhere near Javier’s house. ‘We’ll have crumpets and jam then get your homework over and done with, shall we?’
Flora came home an hour and a half later, following netball club, buzzing with excitement, which made a change. ‘Guess what, Mum? I’ve been moved up to the B team!’ She grinned proudly.
‘Oh, Flora, well done, darling! That’s so exciting!’
Flora munched her way through a crumpet and recounted to her younger siblings exactly what had happened, who listened with grave admiration. Even the mountainous maths homework she had been set could do nothing to dampen her spirits. Tasha sat beside her, doing her best to help her whenever she got stuck. She kept half an eye on the door, waiting for Charlie to get home.
The fish pie she had made that afternoon went down a treat. By the time bath time and bedtime were complete, with only minor protest from Max for a change, Tasha felt like a nervous wreck. She had drawn her bedroom curtains without so much as a glance across the street. Charlie had texted to say that he was on his way home. She turned on the television and watched whatever programme was showing without taking in a word. Eventually she heard Charlie’s key in the lock. Her pulse quickened as adrenaline coursed through her veins.
‘Hi, babe,’ he said, loosening his tie as he came in, bending over to kiss her on the cheek and revealing an enormous bouquet of flowers in a dramatic flourish. ‘These are to say thank you for taking the children to Aunt Marigold’s yesterday. I realised I didn’t thank you properly last night, I was on such a high from the business trip…’
He looked so pleased with his romantic gesture, standing there in front of her with eyes full of love. Bile rushed up her throat and she felt pure disgust at herself. She swallowed heavily and took the bunch of flowers.
‘Thank you so much, Charlie,’ she said. ‘You didn’t have to do that!’
Charlie shook his head. ‘I think I don’t always tell you just how grateful I am for your efforts. I know how much you do for us all – it never goes unnoticed even if I am rubbish at saying it out loud as often as I should.’
Tasha blinked back tears, desperately trying to stay in control of her emotions. She was unbelievably moved but it made her feel her betrayal even more acutely. She had to fight back the urge to blurt out her confession, knowing it would be another purely selfish act. Looking for forgiveness would only serve to cleanse her guilty conscience whilst plunging Charlie into a whole world of heartache. There was no way she could do that to him.
Trying to act normally, she said, ‘Ha! Well, thank you. I’m touched!’ She got up from the sofa, threw her arms around him and kissed him on the lips. She felt extremely self-conscious and was almost certain he would notice that she was acting strangely. ‘I’d better put these in water,’ she said, walking into the kitchen.
Charlie followed her through. ‘What’s for dinner?’ he asked.
‘Fish pie.’
‘Delicious!’
‘I hope so,’ Tasha said. ‘Are you going to shower first or do you want to eat now? It’s ready when you are…’
‘I’ll jump in the shower first, I think. It’s so clammy out there. That storm last night was unbelievable! Even the Tube station had flooded.’
‘I know, it’s very muggy, isn’t it?’ Tasha’s mind flashed back to the similar conversation she had had with Javier that morning, and where it had led. While Charlie went upstairs to have a shower Tasha sat on one of the chairs at the kitchen table, staring at the vase of flowers. A vivid flashback of Javier kissing her stomach flickered unbidden into her mind. She felt a strong pang of lust at the memory and was furious at herself for indulging her salacious thoughts. How could she sit here feeling guilty and ashamed only to have flashbacks at the same time? She wished she could eradicate the whole episode from her mind but the truth was the sex had been incredible; she would have a hard job ever forgetting it. To distract herself she tried to think of the last time Charlie had bought her flowers. It must have been years ago. Why was she such a horrible person? She had been furious with him for not being grateful, for not appreciating her efforts, but he had clearly been noticing all along, he had just needed a bit more time to show her.
Tasha set the table and played some music through the speakers. She even lit a candle. She needed to make every effort with Charlie that she could, in an attempt to make amends. As Charlie thudded down the stairs fresh from the shower there was a knock at the door. Tasha’s heart jumped into her throat as she heard him open it. Male voices echoed down the hallway. She strained to hear who it was, she was sure she could hear Javier’s voice. She steadied herself on the island.
‘That was Javier,’ Charlie said, coming into the kitchen. Her heart skipped a beat. ‘He said you told him about Ella and he’s looked up a contact that he has remembered who works in a hospital in Port-au-Prince. He’s written the number down for you with his below.’
‘Oh, great!’ Tasha said, turning away from him in an attempt to conceal the crimson flush she could feel rising up her neck and onto her face.
‘What a nice guy!’ Charlie said, reaching into the fridge and pulling out a chilled beer. ‘Isn’t that kind?’ He flicked the cap off with a bottle opener and took a swig.
‘Very,’ Tasha said, trying to keep her voice normal.
‘What’s the latest with Ella? Have there been any updates?’
‘Mum messaged us earlier. Apparently there have been further improvements and she is starting to feel a lot better, thank goodness.’
‘Excellent news!’
‘I’m going to try and call her tomorrow.’
‘Is she planning on continuing with her trip?’
‘Apparently. I’m not surprised. She’s been looking forward to it for so long I can’t see a setback like this stopping her. And so long as she is given a clean bill of health by the doctors it should be fine.’ Tasha could feel herself talking too fast.
‘Poor old Ella.’
‘I know. It’s been a terrible week but hopefully the worst is over.’
‘Let’s hope so. And at least you have this doctor’s contact details if anything else happens.’
‘Exactly,’ Tasha said. She went about serving up the fish pie on autopilot. Her pulse was racing at the thought of Javier and Charlie talking at the door. How could Javier have been so brazen to come over like that? To look her husband in the eye mere hours after sleeping with her… She suddenly worried that she was trusting him to keep quiet when she barely even knew him. She could hardly vouch for him keeping his word, yet she had entrusted him with the future of her marriage. She looked at the Post-it Charlie had stuck on the fridge, held in place with a heart magnet Max had given her for Mother’s Day. How ironic. She wondered whether she should get in touch with Javier to reiterate the importance of his silence. Or maybe she should wait ‘till she next ran into him…? She suddenly realised Charlie was talking to her, but she’d been too lost in her thoughts to hear.
‘Sorry, what did you say?’
‘I found out today that we won the new business. The clients from the weekend…?’
‘That’s brilliant!’ Tasha smiled enthusiastically. ‘So it was worth it in the end,’ she said as she put two steaming plates of fish pie and broccoli in front of them.
‘Absolutely. And thank you. This looks delicious!’
‘You haven’t tasted it yet.’ Tasha laughed.
Charlie devoured his plate quickly, his blue eyes sparkling as he talked animatedly about work. She loved seeing him in such high spirits and realised just how stressed his job could make him when it wasn’t going well. The sick feeling in her stomach was growing more and more intense. If only she could wind back the clock to this morning. It seemed impossible sitting here with her husband that she could have even contemplated doing such a thing. She had never kept a secret like this from Charlie before. It felt so wrong, so deceitful. A moment’s madness and she would be paying the price in guilt forever. The fact that he was so totally oblivious made it all the worse. As she listened to him she prayed that he would never find out what she had done.