‘Mum, Dad wants to speak to you,’ Flora said, passing Tasha the phone. It was Thursday evening and, as agreed, Charlie was pretending he was abroad.
‘Hi,’ she said, conscious to make her voice sound as normal as possible in front of the children.
‘Hi. I just want to talk to you about this weekend.’
She walked out of earshot. ‘Right. Will you be coming home? We miss you…’
‘I want to take the children to my parents’. Without you.’
‘Oh.’ She took the handset into the sitting room, not wanting the children to notice that her eyes had filled with tears.
‘I’m not ready to see you. To be honest, Tasha, I’m not even ready to talk to you. I just can’t stop thinking about…’ He couldn’t even finish his sentence. The unspoken words hung heavily in the air.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I really am.’
His voice broke. ‘Christ!’ There was a long pause. ‘Anyway. I want to see the children.’
‘I understand.’
‘I’ll tell my parents you’re on a girls’ weekend with Rosie.’
‘OK.’ Tasha swallowed. ‘I’ll tell the children the same thing. When do you want to leave?’
‘I’ll leave work early and come over at around four. I’ll grab a few things and then we’ll set off so we’re there in time for dinner.’
‘Right.’ Tasha was trying very hard not to cry.
‘I’ll bring them back on Sunday.’
‘What about Sunday night? Will you stay here?’
‘I doubt it.’
‘OK,’ she said. ‘When you’re ready.’ She hoped to God that day would be soon.
*
The next day she watched the clock nervously as the hours ticked by. ‘Daddy is taking you to Granny and Grandpa’s house this afternoon,’ she had explained to the children that morning. ‘You need to pack a bag each for the weekend.’
‘Are you not coming with us?’ Bella had asked.
‘No. I’m afraid not. I’m going to stay with Rosie for the weekend. She has arranged lots of things for us to do and I can’t really say no… she’d be very sad. Though obviously I would much rather be with you all…’
The children had seemed completely unfazed at the thought of spending the weekend without her. It was a good thing, she reassured herself, though it didn’t exactly make her feel great. Tasha had made sure they had everything they needed: toothbrushes, pyjamas, clean clothes, raincoats and wellies.
At four on the dot, Charlie let himself in through the front door.
‘Daddy!’ Bella squealed as she jumped into his arms.
‘Daddy!’ Max hurtled down the stairs at the speed of light, joining Bella.
‘Hi, Dad,’ Flora said, more self-conscious than her siblings but coming over to join the group hug nonetheless.
‘It’s good to have you home.’ Tasha smiled. She wanted to give him a kiss but knew from the way he was struggling to make eye contact with her that it would not be a good idea. Her heart wrenched at the sight of him. He was wearing a smart navy suit and a blue shirt, which made his eyes look even brighter than usual. His tie, covered in pink elephants, had been one of the ties she had given him for his anniversary present. She knew how hard it must be for Charlie to be right opposite Javier’s house. She remembered his pure anger on Monday night as he had stormed across the street and hammered on the door. He must be finding it so difficult to bottle up all his emotions and remain calm in front of the children.
It didn’t take long for Charlie to pack a bag and before she knew it they were all traipsing out to the car and loading the boot with their suitcases. She kissed the children goodbye, plastering a false smile on her face. ‘Have a lovely time with Granny and Grandpa!’ she said.
Charlie got in the car.
‘Wait, Dad, you forgot to kiss Mummy goodbye, silly!’ Bella scolded.
‘Silly me indeed,’ Charlie replied. He almost winced as he wound down the window. He glanced over to Javier’s house where mercifully there was no evidence of anyone home. Tasha came over to the open window, bent through, and pecked him on the lips.
‘Bye!’ she said, trying to appear bright and breezy.
‘Have fun with godmother Rosie,’ said Flora. ‘Say hi from me!’
‘I will!’ Tasha called as she waved goodbye.
They drove off without further ado, leaving Tasha standing on the pavement, furiously blinking back tears. She had nothing to do. She could hardly call up her friends and make plans without explaining why Charlie and the children were away without her. Rosie and Josh were in Paris for the weekend. She had offered to cancel but Tasha had adamantly refused. She looked at Javier’s front door and rued the day she had stepped through it. She glanced up at the bedroom window. The curtains were open. In her mind’s eye she could see the room, she could see the two of them lying naked on his bed. She turned around and walked inside. Closing the door behind her, she let out a deep sigh. She looked around her family home. What would it be like to live here without Charlie? Suddenly overwhelmed, she howled in despair. She didn’t want to find out. She’d never wanted this. How could she have let this happen?
Tasha spent the evening drowning her sorrows in red wine and watching reruns of Friends on the television. It was about the only thing she felt she had the mental capacity to do. She stared mindlessly at the screen, mostly lost in her thoughts. When she eventually went up to bed she found one of Charlie’s jumpers lying in a bundle of discarded clothes and held it close, breathing in the familiar scent of his aftershave. She cried herself to sleep clutching it tightly.
When Tasha opened her eyes again her bedside clock informed her it was 10 a.m. She couldn’t remember the last time she had slept in that late. The emotional stress of the previous weeks had clearly taken its toll. She was grateful that she had finally managed to catch up on some sleep but the house felt horribly empty without the patter of children’s feet and the constant babble of chatter that usually filled it. It was a family home, not designed for one person, and by herself it felt awfully big and lonely. She checked her phone: nothing from Charlie, the only person she ever wanted to hear from these days. She imagined them all at Caroline and Stephen’s house. They had probably been up for hours; maybe they were playing in the garden or taking the dogs for a walk. She wished she were there with them but she knew this was the price she had to pay. She scrolled down to the message from Javier that had started it all and pressed delete.
It occurred to Tasha that she should warn Javier that Charlie knew. Charlie would never make a scene in front of the children, but he might well confront him at some stage. She dreaded making contact but knew it was probably better to get it over and done with, especially while she was alone. It would happen sooner or later, after all. Having showered and dressed, she summoned the courage to cross the road and ring Javier’s doorbell.
A couple of minutes later, the door opened. Javier stood in front of her looking quite dishevelled, as though he had only just woken up.
‘Tasha!’ he said in surprise, his brown eyes twinkling warmly. ‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’
‘Hi, Javier. Do you mind if I come in for a moment?’ she asked.
‘Of course!’ He opened the door and gestured for her to go inside, closing it behind him as he followed her.
‘Before you say anything, I-I’m not here for the reason you might expect…’ Tasha stammered rather awkwardly.
‘Right!’ Javier laughed. ‘Can I pour you a coffee? I just made a pot.’
‘No, thank you,’ she said.
‘So, what’s up?’ he asked, obviously realising she had something to discuss.
‘It’s Charlie. I was out on Monday night with a friend. I’d left my phone behind… your message popped up on my screen and he saw it.’ Realisation dawned on Javier’s face as she spoke. ‘He knows what happened between us…’
‘Oh.’ Javier winced. ‘I’m sorry, Tasha.’
‘It’s my fault.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m the one who is married.’
‘Where is he?’
‘He’s gone to stay with his parents. He’s taken the children. They don’t know anything. He hasn’t stayed at home since… They think he’s been away with work.’
‘OK.’ He nodded.
‘I just thought I’d better warn you. He was pretty furious when he found out, as you can imagine.’
‘Yes.’
‘It’s probably best to keep your distance, if you can avoid him.’
‘Right. Well, thanks for letting me know.’ It was suddenly extremely awkward between them. Javier was looking very uncomfortable, the opposite of his usual relaxed demeanour. She didn’t know what else to say. In fact, she wanted to get out of there as quickly as she could.
‘Right, well, I’d better be off…’
‘OK.’ Javier nodded. ‘Have a good weekend.’
‘Yes.’
‘Bye, Tasha.’ He held the door open again. She avoided contact with him, ducking awkwardly around him to get outside.
‘Bye,’ she replied as he closed the door behind her. She crossed the street, again looking to see whether anyone might have noticed her movements. No one was around. She went back home, retreating to safety, and returned to her spot on the sofa. She didn’t leave it again all day.
By Sunday Tasha was feeling extremely claustrophobic, trapped within the four walls of her house. She decided to get out, aiming for the river and the Thames pathway that ran alongside it. She bought herself a coffee from the vending truck at the start of the old towpath and set off towards Hammersmith Bridge and beyond. The sky was heavy with charcoal clouds, the water absorbed their reflection. She walked for hours, lost in her thoughts, trying to come up with a plan of action. She knew Charlie well enough. She knew that if she pushed him to come home he would retreat further away from her. He needed time to process what she had done. When he was calm he would decide whether he wanted to talk, to try and work things out. But she knew she had to let him come to her. She had to leave the ball in his court.
When she got home she sat at her desk and wrote him a letter.
My darling Charlie,
I hardly know where to start, what to write, but I know I need to try – to somehow explain myself, and to ask, beg, for you to somehow find it within your heart to forgive me. My actions have been desperately wrong. Javier meant, and still means, absolutely nothing to me. I regret what I did, that moment of insanity, more than anything else I have done in my life. I keep hoping this is all some kind of horrific nightmare, that I’ll wake up and you’ll be here.
I know I promised you I would never betray you, that you have suffered enough in the past and I meant it… There are no excuses, I just feel I have lost myself these past few years. I don’t even recognise myself right now. I just felt like I’ve been moving blankly from one day to another, drowning in the repetitive monotony of daily life staying at home, running the house. I’m not trying to make excuses for my behaviour but I haven’t been able to get my feelings out in the open to you as I should have and when I tried it always seemed to end up in an argument…
I love you, Charlie, I love you so much. I will wait for you, for as long as it takes you to find a way to forgive me. I will do anything for us to be together, as a family, again.
Yours, always and forever,
Tasha
She put the letter in an envelope to give to him when he came back that afternoon.
*
‘Mum!’ Max hugged her as she opened the door to greet them. She had been waiting by the window for them to arrive. It felt as though they had been away from her for weeks.
‘Hi, darlings,’ she said, hugging them one by one as they came through the door. ‘Did you have a lovely time?’
‘It was so fun.’ Bella beamed. ‘We went to the village fete!’
‘There was a tombola,’ Flora said. ‘I won a bottle of wine, but I gave it to Granny and Grandpa.’
‘That was very kind of you!’ Tasha smiled.
Charlie was hovering by the door, looking awkward, as if he would rather be anywhere else than in her presence. She wanted to give him a hug, but he was looking grateful that none of the children had noticed their lack of physical contact this time.
‘Dad won me this!’ Max exclaimed, holding up a huge cuddly monkey. ‘He knocked all the coconuts off their sticks in the coconut shy.’
‘Clever Daddy!’ Tasha said. ‘How was the traffic?’ she asked Charlie.
‘Fine,’ he replied, clearly not in the mood for a chat.
‘I’ve got a roast chicken in the oven for your dinner,’ she said, turning to face the children.
‘Oh, Mum! We had roast chicken for lunch!’ Flora laughed.
This threw Tasha. Why hadn’t she thought of that? ‘Silly me, of course you did…’
‘Can’t we have bacon and eggs?’ Max pleaded.
‘Well, we don’t want to waste the food. Maybe you can all have a little bit and we can use the rest up tomorrow?’ The children charged into the kitchen, tummies rumbling. ‘Would you like some dinner?’ she asked Charlie quietly.
‘No, thanks. I’d better be off.’
For a moment he looked as though he wanted to say something but then he hardened his features, as if mentally clamping down on his emotions.
‘But… what shall we tell the children?’ she whispered. ‘I can always sleep in the spare room, if you’ll stay?’
‘I’m afraid that’s just not an option for me. I’ve told them I’m very busy at work, that I am staying at the office for a while.’
‘Did they believe you?’
‘They’ve got no reason to doubt it.’
‘I suppose not…’ She swallowed. ‘Charlie, I’ve written you this.’ She presented him with the letter. ‘Please read it.’
He took the letter and looked at it. For a moment she thought he was going to refuse it but then he folded it in half and put it in the back pocket of his jeans.
‘Right, kids, I’m off,’ Charlie called. They came back to say goodbye.
‘When will you be staying at home again?’ they asked.
‘When this big deal at work is over,’ Charlie said. ‘I will miss you but it’s very important that I’m in the office in case someone needs me.’
‘Do you really have to sleep there?’ Flora asked. She was looking at her parents somewhat suspiciously.
‘Yes, I’m afraid I do… and I’ll be having lots of meetings late at night so it’s easier for me that way anyway.’ Thankfully Flora seemed to accept this response.
They said goodbye and Tasha saw him out. ‘Are you staying at the same hotel?’ she asked quietly.
‘Yes,’ he replied.
‘Will you read my letter?’ she asked.
He nodded. ‘Bye, Tasha.’ He turned and walked towards the Tube. She noticed that he didn’t look up though she imagined he was using all of his self-restraint not to look over at the house across the road. She closed the door and gathered her strength before turning around and immersing herself in the children’s dinner, bath and bedtime routines. At least being busy with a houseful of children was better than being alone with just her thoughts for company.