The weather remained muggy and overcast for the whole week but they refused to let the odd spatter of rain dampen their spirits. They pulled on cagoules and headed off for bracing walks along the coastal paths, they ate picnics on the beach, looked for shells and went crabbing, rock-pooling and kite-flying. Despite Charlie’s best efforts Tasha was worried that the children might have noticed a change in their relationship, especially Flora. Surely they would pick up on the lack of physical contact between them? They were both making valiant attempts to keep things as normal as possible, focussing as much attention as they could on the children, doing their best to ignore the huge elephant in the room. But each evening when the children had all gone to sleep and it was just the two of them left alone the silences became longer and the awkwardness grew even more unbearable.
Despite her promise to herself that she would wait for him to initiate the conversation, by the last night, Tasha couldn’t take it any longer.
‘Charlie, please can we talk?’ she asked, turning to face him on the sofa. ‘I can’t bear feeling so distant from you. I know I deserve everything I get, but can we please discuss what’s going on?’
Charlie continued to stare at the television.
She tried again. ‘If we’re going to move past this you need to let me back in.’
With a sigh he picked up the remote and turned the television off, turning to face her.
‘I don’t know how to,’ he said.
‘Just talk to me.’
‘I feel like I don’t even know you any more.’
‘I’m exactly the same as I’ve always been.’
‘But that’s precisely the problem, Tasha. You are not. The Tasha I knew and loved would never have done something like that.’
‘I wish I hadn’t.’
‘So do I.’
‘It’s still me though, Charlie. I screwed up, I know. I completely screwed up, but I’m still the person you married. I made a mistake, that’s all…’
‘You promised me when we met you would never cheat on me.’ Charlie looked so forlorn; he was gazing into the distance as though reliving the heartbreak she had helped him overcome.
‘I know,’ she admitted sadly.
‘I told you how important that was to me. After Chessie… I swore I would never love again.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I promised myself that I would never get my heart broken like that. The thought of going through that for a second time was not an option. But you came along and gave me your word. And I believed you. When we got married you vowed to be faithful until death parted us. And yet you did the one thing you swore you would never do. You know how I feel about it, and you did it anyway. And seemingly without stopping to think for one second how I might react if I found out. You just thought I’d be fine, that I’d forgive you. Good old reliable Charlie… Well, it’s not as simple as that, Tasha.’
‘I know. I am not expecting it to be simple. But you do have to forgive me, Charlie. You have to at least try. We can’t carry on acting like strangers. We have been through so much. Surely you don’t want to throw it all away? Please… Please forgive me. I will never do anything to break your trust in me again…’ Her eyes brimmed with tears as she looked at him, trying to convey just how much she meant what she said.
‘But how am I supposed to believe a word that you say? You’ve said that to me before and look what happened.’
‘I mean it this time.’
‘You mean it this time? So, you didn’t mean it before?’ Charlie laughed bitterly.
‘No, that’s not what I meant.’
‘Well, what did you mean, exactly?’
‘God, I wish I’d never met that stupid man!’ She felt desperation rise within her as she tried to somehow claw back Charlie’s affection. ‘He means nothing to me, Charlie. Nothing. I love you, no one else has even come close. I have loved you since the moment I met you. It was nothing but complete and utter madness. I was out of my mind! I am so disgusted with myself I can barely even look at myself in the mirror. Trust me, I couldn’t feel worse than I already do.’
‘Trust you…’ Charlie ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his temples. He looked so exhausted. Sleeping on the sofa could hardly have helped. ‘That is the problem. I don’t think I can.’
‘But—’
‘Look, I’m going to stay at the hotel tomorrow, Tasha. I’ll tell the children I’ve got to catch up with work.’
‘No, Charlie, please.’ Tasha could feel the panic rising within her. ‘Don’t go to the hotel again. Stay with us. I’ll stay in the spare room…’
‘I’m sorry, Tasha. I need to think.’
‘Let’s just try to move on and look to the future instead.’
‘It’s easy for you to say.’
‘No. It’s not. But we must.’
‘I’ve made up my mind,’ he said, firmly.
Tears coursed down Tasha’s cheeks. She shook her head. ‘Please,’ she whispered.
Charlie looked at her. She wanted to hug him but she didn’t know how to cross the gap between them; she was terrified he would shove her away if she did. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath.
‘Please,’ she repeated once again. ‘I’ll do anything…’
His eyes were full of sorrow as he looked away. ‘We’d better set off in good time tomorrow,’ he said, trying to change the subject, to signal that there was no point continuing this conversation.
Tasha couldn’t bear it for a second longer. She had to leave the room before she broke down completely. She stood up and walked out, climbing the stairs up to their bedroom with a heavy heart. She had hoped that his agreeing to come back, to come to Dorset, was a good sign. She couldn’t believe he was leaving them again, that he needed more time to think. To distract herself from the panic that was welling inside her she packed her belongings into her bag. Charlie’s clothes were on the other side of the wardrobe, hanging neatly beside her own. She folded his clothes and laid them in his suitcase, waiting in vain for him to come upstairs to get ready for bed.
Eventually the door opened. Lying in bed, Tasha kept her eyes shut as she listened to him creak across the floorboards. He brushed his teeth and changed his clothes. She waited for him to go back downstairs but instead he got into the bed, careful not to wake her. No doubt he wanted to get a good night’s sleep before driving them back the next morning. He kept as far away from her as possible as he pulled the covers over himself. It dawned on her that this could be the last time they ever shared a bed and more tears slid across her cheeks. She turned around and stared at his back. She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder but he shifted his weight slightly and lifted her hand to move it off. She pulled it away. He couldn’t even bear for her to touch him. As she closed her eyes and allowed the tears to trickle onto her pillow she could hardly believe that they had come to this point. She would never have dreamed it possible.