‘Charlie wants to tell the children we are having some time apart,’ Tasha said as she poured herself and Rosie large glasses of wine. Rosie had come over for dinner the following evening. Tasha was in desperate need of some moral support and encouragement having spent the day furiously fighting back tears, trying to quell the sheer panic that relentlessly pulsed through her.
‘Oh, Tasha. I’m so sorry.’ Rosie gave her a hug. ‘Was Dorset a complete disaster?’
‘It was so awkward, like being on holiday with a stranger, not my husband. We had a bit of an argument on Friday night but I didn’t think it would come to this.’ She shook her head. ‘He’s been staying in a hotel. He said he can’t bear the thought of being in the same house as me.’
‘I guess it’s all still a bit raw.’
‘More than a bit. He is so hurt. I just can’t believe I was capable of causing him so much pain. What was I thinking?’
‘I think that’s the problem when things like this happen. If you had all your wits about you and knew the consequences you probably wouldn’t have done it in the first place. It’s just hard to think of the bigger picture in the moment. I can completely understand how it happens.’
‘There’s no way Charlie will ever see it like that. Especially after everything that happened with Chessie. I don’t even expect him to. It’s my fault. I know how he feels about cheating but I did it anyway. I keep thinking how I would feel if it was the other way around.’
‘Look, Tash, it’s happened now so there is no point torturing yourself.’
‘I can’t help it.’
‘You have to look to the future, not the past.’
‘The future looks pretty shit from where I’m standing.’
‘Well, you just have to do your best to change that, Tash.’
‘How?’
‘Firstly, you need to give Charlie this space right now. That much is for sure. If he has made his decision, which it sounds like he has, then you need to respect his wishes, as hard as that may be. He needs to get over it and if the best way to do so is to be away from you then that is how it must be. At least that gives him the chance to miss you, to realise how lonely life would be without you and the kids.’
‘You’re right.’ Tasha sighed and took another sip of her wine.
‘I’m sure he will come back eventually. But in the meantime, you have to get on with your life as best you can, for the children’s sake. You’re just going to have to take each step as it comes. So, the next thing to face is telling the children?’
‘Yup.’
‘Saturday, right?’
‘That’s what Charlie wants…’
‘OK. So, you have until then to prepare for that. You can make sure you have done your research so you know you are doing the best you can for the children in terms of supporting them through this.’
‘I’ve already started. It’s all so depressing.’
‘That’s great! And in the meantime, you can continue to make sure they have a wonderful end to their summer holidays, as you always do.’
‘What about my family? I’ll have to tell them. I’m sure Mum must be suspicious – the kids told her Charlie was staying at work when she came up.’
‘Did she say anything?’
‘No, but she might be thinking it.’
‘Are you going to tell them what you did?’
‘I guess I’ll have to.’
‘Well, maybe that’s another conversation to have with Charlie.’
‘Oh, God. They’re going to be so disappointed.’ Tasha thought of her parents, her sisters, Becca and Andrew; her spirits plummeted.
‘Don’t even think about that until after you’ve told the children. One thing at a time, remember?’
‘You’re right. Thanks so much, Rosie. What would I do without you? Speaking of which, I’ve got another favour to ask. Charlie wants the house to himself this weekend. Do you mind if I stay at yours on Saturday night?’
‘Not at all. I’ll tell Josh that I am busy with someone far more important…’
‘You don’t have to do that. I could always stay without you?’
‘No way. I’ll make us a nice meal if you don’t feel like going out, or we can have a takeaway. We can even go wild and paint the town red if that’s what you want.’
‘I’ll probably be having an emotional breakdown. You might be better off leaving me to it.’
‘As if!’ Rosie squeezed her hand.
‘God, this is so miserable. I keep thinking “what if?” – it is driving me insane!’
‘That’s why it’s pointless. What does it achieve? You can’t change the past so you might as well stay in the present.’
‘I know. I just can’t bear it. I literally hate myself.’
‘Tash,’ Rosie reprimanded her. ‘You mustn’t think like that. We are all human. We all make mistakes – Charlie included. It takes two people to let a relationship get to the point where somebody strays.’
‘I’m not so sure…’
‘It does. You said it yourself, you didn’t feel like he was listening to you, you weren’t that happy.’
‘I suppose. Anyway, God, this is so horrendously boring for you, not to mention depressing.’ Tasha took a deep breath. ‘Tell me about Josh.’
‘Tash I am hardly going to bang on about my new relationship at a time like this!’ Rosie rolled her eyes.
‘Please. I am dying to hear all about him.’
‘No!’
‘Come on! Seriously, Rosie. I need the distraction. How is it going?’
‘It’s going well…’ Despite herself Rosie couldn’t help the soppy smile that spread across her features.
‘I’m so happy for you. Tell me more! What’s he like?’
‘He is a gentleman. He’s got lovely manners.’
‘I love that in a man.’ His good manners were one of the things she had always loved about Charlie.
‘I think you’d really like him.’
‘Maybe I can meet him this weekend?’ Tasha suggested. ‘If I can pull myself together.’
‘Let’s see. We won’t plan anything, but he’d love to meet you at some stage. I’ve told him all about you.’
‘Oh, God. He’s going to think I’m awful.’
‘I’ve painted you in a very sympathetic light, don’t worry.’
Tasha couldn’t help but laugh. What a pitiful state she had caused herself to end up in. ‘How is the blog coping without your usual dating antics?’ Tasha asked.
‘I’ve actually had really good feedback from my last post.’
‘That’s brilliant. Perhaps this could be a new direction for you?’
Over dinner they brainstormed more ideas for Rosie’s blog and the possible advice she could dole out to her followers. Afterwards, Tasha waved her off in an Uber as she headed over to Josh’s flat. Tasha was extremely grateful to have such loyal friends in her life. Both Flo and Rosie had been brilliantly supportive, always ready to talk and to cheer her up when she needed them. If only she could tell Becca too; she hated keeping it all a secret from her. But the thought of her reaction when she found what Tasha had done terrified her. Becca’s loyalties lay with both Charlie and Tasha, she had no idea whose side she would take and the thought of losing her friendship as well as Charlie, was heartbreaking.
Having cleared up their dinner and tidied the general detritus a day with three children on school holidays resulted in, Tasha went upstairs and ran herself a bath, pouring generous amounts of lavender bath oil into the hot water. She thought about what Rosie had said. She knew that living in the moment was her only option. If she allowed herself to live in the past she would be swamped by guilt and regret; if she spent too much time thinking about the future she would be overcome with panic. The answer had to be to stay mindful and present in each passing moment. She tried to quieten her mind and enjoy her bath but the voices in her head were clamouring for attention. She definitely had a long way to go before she achieved any form of mindfulness but she was determined to try her best.
As Saturday approached and with it the deadline for telling the children, Tasha began to feel increasingly anxious. She continued researching the impact of separation and how best to minimise the damage. On Friday afternoon she caught a glimpse of Javier as she ushered the children and their scooters inside on the way back from the park. He waved and she nodded before scurrying inside as quickly as possible. She half thought about warning him that Charlie would be spending the weekend but she couldn’t face talking to him.
The house phone rang late on Friday evening. ‘Tasha?’ It was Charlie.
‘Hi,’ she said.
‘I wanted to talk things through.’
A dart of hope shot through her. ‘Have you changed your mind?’ She couldn’t hide the desperation in her voice.
He sighed down the line. ‘No.’ There was a long pause. ‘I just thought it would be a good idea to discuss how we are going to do this.’
Tasha swallowed. ‘Me too. If you are sure that this is what you want…’
He ignored her. ‘I’ll come over at about nine. They should have finished their breakfast by then. We can have a chat with them, you can stay for as long as they need to talk with us both, and then you can leave us to it. Will you stay at Rosie’s?’
‘Yes.’ There was silence down the line. ‘I can’t believe this is actually happening.’ Her voice wobbled with emotion.
‘I can’t either. But I don’t see how we can avoid it. I can’t change the way I feel.’
She nodded her head and bit back tears. ‘I know.’
‘Let’s just try our best to explain it in the simplest terms possible.’
She swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice from breaking. ‘The advice I’ve seen says we shouldn’t go into any detail.’
They discussed the various articles that they had read and came up with a few key lines to use. They both agreed that they should appear united in the decision, that Charlie wouldn’t blame Tasha in front of them and that they would reassure them that they both loved them, that they would still see Charlie at weekends and sometimes in the evenings too.
‘Are you going to tell your parents what I did?’ Tasha asked nervously. ‘And Andrew and Becca?’
‘No. I’m not going to give them any details. I don’t want them to judge you and risk someone saying something that the children might pick up on. And I don’t think you should tell your family what happened either.’
Tasha felt relief course through her. ‘What shall we say?’
‘Just say we are separating and we don’t want to discuss why.’
‘Becca will never let it go. Neither will Chloe. They’ll want to know exactly what happened.’
‘You’ll just have to stick to the same line. That we don’t want to discuss it and that’s that.’
‘OK.’ Tasha paused. ‘Can we say we are separating temporarily?’
‘I wouldn’t set a time limit on it, Tasha.’
Her cheeks were damp with tears. She dabbed at them with the sleeve of her jumper and nodded to herself.
‘I just wish there was something I could do to change your mind. If only I could turn back the clock I would never make the same mistake again.’
‘Does Javier know that I know?’ Charlie interrupted her, reminding her once again exactly why this was happening in the first place.
‘I’ve told him. I thought it for the best so he can avoid you.’
‘So, you’ve seen him?’ She could hear the anger in his voice at the thought.
‘I just went around for a few minutes to tell him that you knew. Then I left as quickly as possible. I haven’t seen him apart from that.’
‘Right.’ Tasha hoped fervently Javier would make himself scarce for the weekend. ‘Or at least I certainly hope that’s the truth.’
‘I wouldn’t lie to you, Charlie.’
He laughed acerbically. ‘You say that now… you didn’t exactly volunteer the information in the first place. If I hadn’t seen that text…’
‘You can trust me.’
‘I can’t. That’s precisely the problem.’
‘I know. But I promise you can now.’
‘They are just words, Tasha. Sadly, your actions speak far louder.’
Tasha could see she was digging herself in deeper so she decided to end the conversation before it took a turn for the worse. ‘I’ll see you in the morning, then,’ she said, sadly. Perhaps overnight he would do some thinking and change his mind? She could only pray that might happen.
‘Yes. See you then.’
‘God, I hope the children will be OK.’
Normally he would be the one to reassure her, the calming voice of reason, but not today. ‘So do I,’ he said. ‘Whatever happens, they must know just how much we love them.’
‘I love you too, Charlie.’
‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He hung up the phone.
Tasha tried to concentrate on her breathing, to stay in the moment and not race back in time or forwards to the dreaded conversation that would have to happen in the morning, but it was impossible. She was terrified that the children would completely fall apart, especially Max. He had been so good lately, she hoped against hope that this wouldn’t set him back. Bella was such a quiet, calm child, she would probably internalise any upset. And Flora already had a tendency towards anxiety; this could be disastrous for her. She was so mortified that she was hurting the children she loved more than anything, that she would do anything to protect. In her heart of hearts, she knew there was no changing Charlie’s mind at this point. If only she could be punished for her actions alone, rather than dragging everyone else down with her.